Survival Tips

by Grace Belafonte, Life Coach

Living in the aftermath phase of a pathological relationship can be a grueling experience. These tips are a vital way to cope.

Acceptance

You will not find any peace until you accept what is happening in your life. Try the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

(Hear the meaning of the words as you say this.)

Disengage with the Pathological

Create distance between you and the pathological. Do not communicate directly with the pathological unless you are forced to by the court. Then, set up a voicemail system that can transcribe and forward messages to you via e-mail.

Establish a Reliable Support System

Sounds like an overused recommendation, but as a survivor, a strong support system is a life-saving grace. It is important that those you lean on are completely trustworthy and “get” what is happening.

Spiritual Nourishment

If you believe in God, use God to get through this. If you don’t believe in God, rely on something else; 12-steppers believe in a higher power. If you have to, trust someone else’s belief that things are going to be ok.

Physical Nourishment

Eat healthily. Cut out simple carbohydrates (refined sugar in candy, cakes, cookies, etc.) And add daily exercise (walking is good) between 20 to 40 minutes a day. Take Vitamin B12 which reduces the effects of stress on the body and helps calm the nerves naturally.

Intellectual Nourishment

Validation offered in books by credible sources can be amazing; but, if you find that the books are making you feel more powerless because of the seriousness of your situation, then put them down and read positive books.

Com-PART-MENTAL-ize

In the aftermath, you may feel overwhelmed with issues. Try to visualize little compartments in which each issue can be stored. Work on one issue at a time. While working on one issue, detach emotionally from the others so you can focus.

Next Indicated Step

Think in terms of your next indicated step when you are overwhelmed. If you are open to solutions in your life, they will show up. When you wake up in the morning, ask “what can I do next in such and such area.” And just do it. Stay out of the future.

Quiet the Ache

First, acknowledge that how you feel is normal. Even though this person is bad for you, the pathological is usually quite conning and extremely charismatic. Have someone available who “understands” the situation and who can talk you down from the “compulsion” of wanting to talk to or be with the pathological. You do not, however, need someone in your life who will tell you shouldn’t feel that way. You just do. What you need is someone to help you act appropriately despite your feelings.

Create a Positive Outlook

Know that one day this will be over. At some point, you will feel certain doubt that you will not get through this. Every day that passes is one day closer to the whole situation being a thing of the past. Look for any good things that could arise in your life because of this.

Gratitude

Sit down daily, close your eyes, and find one thing to be grateful for. It could be as simple as being able to breathe, or walk, or that you have a great friend who loves you and believes in you. It could be the joy you get from a child, a pet, etc.

Forget about Revenge

Revenge does not serve anyone. It may be a nice thought to have a predator get his karma… you cannot be the one to do it. Thinking and planning revenge only feeds the resentment you have inside. Let it go. Live emotionally free.

Right size the Predator

It helps to look at the person who has harmed you in ways that reduce his/her power over you. For instance, nick names that are funny or lessen his or her power are great.

Don’t Hammer Yourself

If you are dealing with a pathological, please don’t take it personal. There is probably a long list of others hurt too by this person. This happened because you were vulnerable, not bad. Evil people target loving, caring people. This does not mean you should stop being loving and caring. Please continue to be the beautiful person you are. You are armed, now, with information. Use that information so that you are no longer vulnerable and easy prey. Yes, it IS possible.

(All articles are copyrighted and cannot be reproduced, however feel free to put a link to this page.)

Relapse Prevention Tips

by Grace Belafonte, Life Coach

The only thing worse than being in the aftermath of a pathological relationship is getting involved in a new pathological relationship!

Stop

Before you get involved in another relationship, give yourself time to heal and reveal why you were in a pathological relationship in the first place. Before you are a psychopath’s PICK, learn what makes you TICK! Do not get into another relationship for at least one year. If that sounds impossible, you might already have a hint to the WHY behind your unfortunate journey. Keep in mind, it takes most people four to five pathological relationships before they STOP!

Look

Do a complete relationship inventory. In the workbook for ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man before You Get Involved’, you will get an opportunity to survey your relationships. If you are willing to look, you will see life-changing information in your history. If you are honest with yourself, you will probably see your part in the ordeal. You cannot move out of being a victim unless you see why you were vulnerable.

Listen

You must heed red flag warnings, but, before you can do that, you need to see them! Most victims will tell you that they did NOT experience the same creepy feeling about the psychopath that their friends and family did. And, they will tell you that they DID ignore what they later learned were flaming hot red flags waving wildly right before their very eyes. Additionally, they would not even listen to the warnings of others when they were told of the red flags they should be heeding.

Learn

Read, study, and go to therapy. Understand pathology and how it impacts your life. Learn what healthy love is and what it is not. If you have been in multiple pathological relationships you will need to unlearn your beliefs about relationships and take on new healthy beliefs. Learn how to set FIRM boundaries. Boundaries will save your life. With weak boundaries and a caring heart you are putty in the hands of a pathological.

Live

Live a rich, full life. Create the life you desire or at least set goals and get on the path. Find your passion again. What makes you feel good? If you are a LONELY VICTIM, you send out radar signals to pathologicals. Loneliness smells like a filet mignon to a hungry psychopath.

Love

Go where the love is, you deserve to be loved and to love freely. Connect or reconnect with people who are solid for you. Put yourself in the center of loving, accepting people who add to your life. Ask someone to help you stick with reality when Prince Charming knocks at your door. People who love you unconditionally will most likely serve as a mirror for you. Be open to their input.

(All articles are copyrighted and cannot be reproduced, however feel free to put a link to this page.)

Experts Speak Out

The Institute will be interviewing some of the great influences in the field of pathology. Stay tuned for interviews with:

  • Dr. Susan Forward, author of ‘Men Who Hate Women & The Women Who Love Them’, ‘When Your Lover Is a Liar’, ‘Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy & Reclaiming Your Life’, ‘Emotional Blackmail’, ‘Obsessive Love’, and more.
  • Dr. Kent Kiehl, Ph.D., Associate Profession of Psychology and Neuroscience, University of New Mexico and the Director, Mobile MRI Core and Clinical Cognitive NeuroScience, The Mind Research Network.
  • Eleanor Payson, M.S.W., A.S.C.W., author of ‘The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists.’
  • Amy JL Baker, Ph.D., author of ‘Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind’ and is the Director of Research at the Vincent J. Fontana Center for Child Protection.
  • Theodore Millon, Ph.D., D.SC Dean & Scientific Director of the Institute For Advanced Studies in Personology & Psychopathology, Retired Professor from Harvard Medical School (Psychiatry). He is the author of:
    • ‘Handbook of Psychology, Volume V: Personality and Social Psychology’ (2003). (Co-Editor). New York: Wiley-Interscience.
    • ‘Personality Disorders in Modern Life’ (2000). (Co-author). New York: John Wiley & Sons.
    • ‘Oxford Textbook of Psychopathology. (1999, Editor-in-chief). New York: Oxford University Press.
    • ‘Personality-Guided Therapy’ (1999, author). New York: Wiley-Interscience.
    • ‘Psychopathy: Antisocial, Criminal, and Violent Behavior’ (1998, Co-editor). New York: Guilford
    • (And scores and scores of chapters in other publications as well as many testing instruments, books, and professional articles. Dr. Millon’s writing is prolific and extensive in the area of personality disorders.)
  • Nancy L. Thomas, author of ‘When Love Is Not Enough: A Guide to Parenting Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder’ and Director of Attachment.org—parenting resources for unattached and unbonded children.
  • Bill Eddy, Esquire & L.C.S.W., author of ‘High Conflict People’, ‘Splitting: Protecting Yourself When Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist’, and ‘Managing High Conflict People in Court.‘ He is the Director of the High Conflict Institute and is a Certified Family Law Specialist and a Licenses Clincial Social Worker.
  • James Dumesnil, MS, LPCMHC, CCFCClinical Director — Families By Design, Inc.
    President–CA Mental Health Counselors Assoc, Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
    Clinically Certified Forensics Counselor, Clinically Certified Criminal Justice Specialist
    Attachment Therapy & Forensic Counseling
  • And more being lined up.

Guided Relaxation for Repairing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships

Imagine lying down and relaxing to restful music, feeling your muscle tension ebb away.

As your body relaxes, your mind drifts, and you listen to the soothing sound of Sandra’s voice, easing your symptoms:

– intrusive thoughts
– gain emotional distancing
– reduce feeling tone and intensity
– flashbacks
– other mood management

Specifically designed to help you heal from the symptoms of pathological love relationships, this CD is approximately 60 minutes long.

Listen to an audio clip.

 
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Teaching About Pathology

Teaching About Pathology to Your Community

by Carol A. Lee Mooney, M.S., ICCJP

As a counselor/teacher for the adult probation department and a crisis counselor for the mental health department, I saw serious relationship problems amongst people particularly with addictions to alcohol, drugs, gambling, theft, and other self-destructive behaviors. Often associated with addictions is the added mental health issue related to ‘pathology’ which often dismantles healthy relationships and leaves in its wake, destruction.

But this common thread of relationship problems (which were not merely co-dependent, addictive, or abusive) was also woven throughout professional men and women’s personal relationships. Ooften overlooked is that white collar professionals can be targets of pathologicals just as anyone else can.

There is no immunity by career or education status that saves someone from falling into the most disordered of relationships. In fact, what I learned was those in professional positions are those ‘most likely’ to end up in pathological relationships. Why? The ‘why’ is the focus of this entire magazine.

I, too, like other educated and professional people was touched in my own life by pathological relationships through a marriage, through having children with a pathological, and through another significant relationship. All of these caused much pain, damage, and the need for specialized support through the aftermath.

Survivors of these types of pathological relationships, like myself, are those most impassioned with the message of ‘Public Psychopathy Education’ and those yearning to take the message to their communities! That’s exactly what I have done through my own coaching business ‘Coaching Alternatives to Lethal Men 78.’

My coaching business has enabled me to teach others about pathology in relationships through individual, group, and phone supportive care sessions. I have taken the message to my community through lectures, workshops, and into the schools with groups.

My purpose with The Institute is to help people like you get started in their own outreach to other survivors in their communities. On a professional level–therapists, counselors, probation officers, social workers, addictions professionals, etc. can become certified in this area of Pathological Love Relationships to add to their existing clinical focus in their practices.

On a peer level, individuals can become trained to lead support groups in churches, schools, or other community centers. These groups help individuals who have been devastated emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and financially from relationships they feel they are intensely attached to and can’t leave no matter what the behavior has been.

The Institute offers training for any one, at any level, so you can become involved in the solution of Pathological Love Relationships. This column ‘Teaching about Pathology to Your Community’ will discuss ways for reaching out to your community with the message of education about pathology. It will help you get involved in The Institute’s Educational Services to get trained for your community.

Education is the key to knowledge, freedom, and the road to healthy lives and relationships in the future! I look forward to bringing you educational ideas each month. See you next month!

(All articles are copyrighted and cannot be reproduced, however feel free to put a link to this page.)


Carol A. Lee Mooney, M.S., ICCJP is CEO and Founder of ‘Coaching Alternatives to Lethal Men 78, LLC’. She is an Internationally Certified Criminal Justice Addictions Professional and holds a Bachelor’s degree in both Psychology and Sociology, a Master’s Degree in Adult Education/Counseling, and is a Qualified Mental Health Professional through Northeast Texas MHMR.

She is certified in various Cognitive Behavioral Programs which include Moral Reconation Therapy, MRT-based programs, Anger Management, and Untangling Relationships. Carol has worked as a Crisis Counselor and been a speaker for the Victims Impact Panel through CSCD.

Currently, she is a certified Life Coach providing individual, phone, and group supportive care regarding Pathological Love Relationships and is a workshop and seminar speaker. Carol is a survivor having personally struggled with issues involving children of pathological men, dealing with pathological co-workers, and personal pathological relationships

Legal Information Services

Legal Information Services Insight & Strategies For Dealing with Pathologicals in the Legal System

The Institute is currently recruiting attorneys to accept our referrals who have experience in Domestic Violence and High Conflict cases. We are seeking attorneys for both legal representation and also consultation about High Conflict cases with other attorneys who may not understand the intricate use of manipulation by pathologicals.

If you are an attorney who has been trained in Best Practices regarding Domestic Violence or been active in High Conflict cases, please contact us so we can discuss how your might serve our clients. admin (at) saferelationships (dot) com.

California–LA Area

Law Office of C. Brian Martin

555 Pier Avenue, Ste, 4

Hermosa Beach, CA 90254

Phone 310-465-1949
Fax 310-3767085