By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Problem partners create problems which manifest as problem relationships. These relationships are often referred to as ‘bad relationships, ‘drama,’ or ‘dysfunctional’ when, in fact, often the dynamic at play is a result of what I have coined ‘Pathological Love Relationships.’

These relationships are related to the permanent personality structures and disorder of one (or sometimes both) of the partners. Mislabeled, undiagnosed, or misunderstood, these relationships churn out problems for the partners, their children, their families, and the therapists who try to help them.

Neuroscience has helped us understand some of the brain processes and problems involved especially in Cluster B patients referred to as the ‘Erratic and Dramatic’ disorders. The partners who are challenged by faulty brain processing and negative behaviors often associated with narcissism and anti-social personality disorders and the no conscience disorder of psychopathy make for some pretty lousy relational material.

I refer to this lousy relationship quality as ‘Inevitable harm’ because when someone’s brain processes are hard-wired, and they lack the ability to sustain positive changes through therapy or develop insight about how their negative behavior hurts others, there’s only one way this relationship is going to end up – harmful.

Even the court system now labels these relationships uniquely as ‘High Conflict Cases.’

In our work at the Institute, we have looked at Inevitable Harm related to partners who have problems bigger than what psychology can do for them and:

• The traits of those with chronic personality problems that wreak havoc in the relationship
• The unusual pathological love relationship dynamics specific to these disorders
• The neuroscience about what is wrong with their brain
• The elevated temperament or ‘super traits’ of those who have gotten into relationships with people with this kind of disorder
• The affected language, communication and meaning in these relationships and how it drives the other partner crazy
• Understand why these relationships feel more intense than others
• Realize why break ups are so hard and why they are fraught with ‘Boomerang’ attraction.

Along the way we have reviewed the characteristics in the disorders related to impulsivity, sexual acting out, interpersonal exploitation, low to no empathy, excitement seeking, and conning. And of course, we have also looked at the physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and financial harm of these emotionally lethal predators and parasites.

Next week we’ll talk in greater detail about the damage they do.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Change is redemptive. It’s transformational and it’s healing. No wonder none of those things happen to pathologicals—they don’t change, so they don’t redeem, or transform or heal. But for those negatively affected by a pathological, change is your only hope. Without the transformation of change you are hopelessly stuck on what feels like the karmic treadmill of relational bad choices that just gets worse with each selection.

But change is not only our hope, it’s God’s hope, too. Why? Because God is the God of Ecology—He recycles everything we live through to make something out of the dung of our nasty experiences. He’s invested in what happens to us, in us, and through us. As the original ecologist, He always has an eye toward what can be recycled in us for better use because that which is used is not wasted. So our experiences with the pathological that are used to help ourselves first and others second is not a wasted experience of pain and suffering—it has been transformed into a healing gift for us and for others.

This is Psycho-Ecology at its best… the good use of our bad psychological experiences; the recycling of our pain and bad choices into insight and help for others. Psycho-Ecology is the path of recovery.

Psycho-Ecology recycles:

• your naiveté into prevention,
• your experience into intervention,
• your story and makes it into a book, a support group, a website, or a speech,
• your intrusive thoughts and turns them into a meditation on tape,
• your tears and turns them into a poem,
• lethargy and manifests exercise,
• pain and creates a prayer, and
• creates hope out of hopelessness.

In fact, that which is not transformed is stuck—stuck inside you, stuck in your life, stuck in your path, stuck in your heart. Transform it!

That which isn’t redeemed is toxic. Pain that is not redeemed into the gift of hope and life for others is just pain, crammed in your body converting your health into something sick and bad. Redeem it!

That which isn’t healed by paying it forward is an emotional cancer cell metastasizing in your heart—eating your hope, your future, and your potential healthy relationships. Pay healing forward. Heal it!

You have the largest, most magnificent force behind your healing—The God of Economy who will take one bad thing and use it to help and bless thousands. Did you read that—thousands! He wants your healing so it can be broken, blessed, transformed, and released to others.

He multiplies in His economy—so your one bad pathological experience can help many, many more women than just you. His plan includes economically using your experience by releasing it to multitudes and includes recycling it from bad to good. That which we don’t use gets wasted. That which is wasted is not transformed and that which isn’t transformed we are victimized by.

I can always tell those women who are going to be recycled and used in Psycho-Ecology in others’ lives. They are searchers—examining everything they have been through for the opportunity to heal it and use it. They are not lethargically waiting for healing to come to them while hyper-focusing on and memorizing every horrid thing the pathological did this week… their eyes are on themselves, today—what needs to heal in them, where they will transform this train-wreck of a life into something worth living.

These are the women who are willing read the books, go to counseling, come to a retreat… (Or these women find alternative community resources to help them heal right where they live. When money is a challenge, they use their community resources to help bring healing. They use what they have right where they’re at!) They find every resource and use them to beat out the feeling of victimization that wants to swallow their life. These women are silent powerhouses of potential that, when healed, are going to rock the women’s issues field! I grin to myself and can’t wait to see what they allow God to recycle in them.

I’m already seeing it… those that will go on to redeem their experiences in their lives and others’, those that jump on anything that can move their healing forward as they eagerly wait to pay it forward.

These women are the face of Psycho-Ecology. Their horrible pain is being recycled into something positive. They are the faces of hope in Public Psychopathy Education. They are, or will be, single-handedly responsible for saving women’s lives. The lives they save through recycling their pain will only be known by the Great Recycler in the end because we never know whom we have saved. We only believe we have saved someone.

Every single week I get emails from people thanking The Institute for saving their physical, emotional, financial, sexual and spiritual lives. The book, the website, the newsletter—something touched them and got them out of the Pathological Love Relationship. It’s the most satisfying life mission there is: saving a life!

The question is: Will you be the next face of Psycho-Ecology? Will your pain teach other women? Will it speak to them?

Will your pain teach others how to help these women? Will it speak to a community through a presentation?

Will it go into schools, churches, women’s organizations, prisons, jails, and others’ hearts?

Or will it stagnate inside you, producing the most insidious bitterness and paranoia?

Change and growth for us is always a choice—a choice that allows the transformation of recycling so nothing is wasted. The Institute’s mission is Public Pathology Education, which means every single one of us does SOMETHING for the cause. Each week people contact us asking about how to start a group, come to a retreat, get phone counseling, get a workshop in their community, be a speaker in their community. The Institute is here to help you heal first so you can help others heal. There is no shortcut (here, let me tell others how to heal when I haven’t done it myself!) Nope.

There is only one letter differentiation between Nope and Hope—to not only heal but be recycled.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

(DISCLAIMER: We, at the Institute, celebrate and recognize spirituality in all forms of religion, not just the Christian version. In our work, we often speak of other beliefs and utilize many of the concepts in our model-of-care. This article in no way is intended to minimize or diminish the spirituality that may be found in other cultures or religious beliefs. However, we DO believe that pathology harms one spiritually no matter what the survivor’s spiritual beliefs may be. For those people, we ask that you substitute the Christian viewpoint of spirituality with your own.)

By Sandra L. Brown

I was often asked what my red flags are when I was counseling a couple and I sensed he might be dangerous. There certainly ARE specific things that I have trained my ear to listen for because they are often indicators of more serious problems often attached to dangerous behavior.

These include:

• Pacing of the relationship. If its 24/7 it’s not that he’s “just that into you.” Pathological men have agendas about getting the relationship to appear intense and deep quickly. They want to usher you into the middle of the relationship before you figure out his agenda or respond to your own red flags. Predators told me in group sessions that their move is to ‘sweep them off their feet’ by overwhelming them with intensity of emotion, time, and gifts. Women who get into intense relationships in which they are very quickly seeing each other constantly, not having an outside life, and have the sensation of being ‘breathless’ from the pace of the relationship are often with a dangerous man. Many different types of dangerous men often try to move in quickly or marry quickly – both of which should be a red flag to a woman. Women should always be in charge of the pace of the relationship which should be SLOW. Women should also change the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. Normal men accept that you ask for more time to yourself whereas dangerous men do not. They guilt and shame you into keeping the pace at THEIR rate, not yours.

• Serial Relationships. Women often ignore a man’s history of failed relationships. Guys with histories of multiple failed relationships have difficulty being alone so they rapidly seek other relationships without reflection on the failed one. This lack of insight in the failed relationship increases his pacing so that women are hurried into a relationship before figuring out why he has so many failed relationships. One clue I always listen for is his relational history — how many relationships, why they ended, what he has to say about his own responsibility in them ending, and what he says about the woman now. Men who take no responsibility for their actions often have mental health issues as do men who never say anything good about any of the women they have been with.

• His History. Women need to find information about his criminal, mental health, and relationship history. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are on-line background search sites[1] that can do this. Women often discount a man’s criminal history. His criminal history is a good predictor of future violence, other criminality and sometimes mental health issues. Likewise, his mental health history matters! If he has been diagnosed with a mental condition, most conditions INCREASE with time, age, and stress. Mental conditions are highly unpredictable and how he appears now is not a guarantee of any stability in the future. All of his histories matter: criminal, mental health, and relational.

• Enduring Patterns of Behavior. Women often believe they can change a man once they are in a relationship. It’s one of our characteristics we don’t like to admit, but it is often part of our belief system. If he has always been this way he may have a pathological disorder which is determined by looking at enduring patterns of behavior that don’t change. Chronic womanizing, unrelenting unemployment, long histories of addictions, etc. are all examples of enduring patterns of behavior. We begin to suspect pathological (which means a permanent disorder) when people have long histories of certain behaviors. These behaviors will not be changed by you or anyone else, including professionals.

• His pattern of selection. The types of women he has dated can reveal the type of woman he targets. A history of emotionally unhealthy women should be a red flag. Some men love victimized women, others like women with low self esteem, or those who are financially dependent. What are the women like that he has been with and why are you now the one he wants to be with?

If these are red flags for me, they certainly should be for women as well. Women who end up with dangerous man after dangerous man are women who ignore the warning signs like these and often hope they are going to get different results than what the professionals are advising. Don’t be one of them!

[1] On-line criminal record and/or background checks may not be complete due to a variety of reasons. He may have lived elsewhere or used a different name (John instead of Jack, Allen instead of Al, etc.) Not all jurisdictions have their criminal records on-line.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

This is about spirituality and recovery—they are, after all, connected by an umbilical cord of hope. In Christianity, which is my practice path of hope, God, the only known unbroken thing which makes Him Holy, chooses to dwell in broken things. Someone undefiled with darkness, pathology, lethargy, hopelessness, depression, bone weariness, confusion, intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance chooses to infuse this purity into the chaotic whirlwind called ‘soul.’ I don’t understand that any more than the 50-some years I have read “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth and the earth was without form and void.”

All I can see is that from the beginning God was going into things that were empty and dwelling there to infuse them with something holy. He found formlessness a good place to inhabit. God could choose to inhabit anything, anywhere, any one but seems to look for the empty places in which to stuff His hope. Our own brokenness from pathology is the place we want to recover from. It’s a dark, dank, hell hole full of disintegrated minds. Why anything so integrated and whole would want to park in there, I do not know. But I’m fascinated that Holiness wants to dwell inside people—and mostly broken people. God wants to prove that pathology does not have the last word—in anything. Everything stripped away from lying, cheating, and violence can be redeemed in its brokenness by the dwelling, the indwelling, of Holiness. Like a truffle-sniffing dog, God LOOKS FOR the place of brokenness that has made room for Him, and goes to that place.

The rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous have given me such hope of this message – recovery as a holy place to dwell – because millions of people have sat in those rooms broken and ravaged by pain and have had God in the room with them, hanging with them in their recovery, then choosing to move right into their soul so pathology doesn’t win. If recovery were a place of hopelessness, God would not dwell there and it would not be holy. This brings a different view to recovery.

Our brokenness is the entry point, the point verge of coming to a holiness we would not have had any other way. It is not that we have learned from our stupidity of choosing a pathological partner, it’s that we get the gift of finding recovery as a holy place to dwell because it’s where the holy himself, dwells. Sure, take the insight that comes with the pain (otherwise the pain has been useless) but by all means see recovery as a holy place upon which God sees worthy of journeying with you. Kum-by-yah mountain peak experiences are not the only place to find God. He finds something of His heart in others when they are broken. When their soul is seeping out of the cracks of their broken heart vessel, it’s where he imagines His balm of Light that is needed.

Brokenness and dissociation does not feel like a place of recovery, much less a place the holy wants to dwell. But it is, in fact, exactly where the holy indwells—right there in the fetal positioned part of our pain. When we want to curse God and die, we have forgotten God lives in our recovery and that holiness is finding it’s home inside of our dissociation—something fragrant is germinating—hope, change, a different way of being. Every symptom we hate about the aftermath is a place where holiness dwells. When your brain fog is knee deep, wonder to yourself “this place right now, the way I am, is where Holiness is.” The issue of the ‘sacredness of place’ is not that we have to pilgrimage to a cathedral to have a goose bump encounter with a sacred place, it’s that our brain fog is as sacred a place as anywhere else. The chanting of the Book of Hours is perhaps not even as touching as your chanting of the laundry list of harm done by pathology.

I didn’t make the rules—I am just an observer and it appears God finds the broken a special place for holy and the path of recovery, the indwelling journey He prefers. Scoot over.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Anxiety Triage – The 30-Second Check-In
Anxiety Triage begins with a 30-second check-in followed by one or more techniques that are easily done on the spot.

When you find yourself in the throes of an anxiety or panic attack, observe your physical sensations. What’s going on in your body?

• To the best of your ability, make grounded statements about your symptoms. “My neck muscles are tight,” is a grounded statement. “My neck muscles are unbearably tight” is not.
• Scan your body, starting with the crown of your head and moving down the neck, shoulders, back, torso, belly, hips, thighs, calves, and feet.

That’s the 30-Second Check-In. Perform this simple process and watch your anxiety attack begin to subside. It’s the key to Anxiety Triage, because it brings you back into the Creative Moment.

Once you’ve done a 30-Second Check-In, you’re ready to re-orient yourself and reclaim the energy trapped in the anxiety trance.

Now, pick one of the following techniques to completely break the hold of the anxiety attack.

Anxiety Triage Technique #1: What’s That Sound?

• Identify the sounds you hear, one at a time.
• Start by identifying the closest or more obvious sounds. Let’s say you’re driving in your car. So the first sound you identify is the radio. Listen to it for a moment, and pay attention to nothing else. Shift your attention then to the next sound, perhaps the whoosh of the wind rushing by your window. Next, listen to the sound of the tires on the road surface. Now direct your attention to the sound of the vehicles around you.
• Finally, see if you can hear all the sounds at once, without focusing on any one in particular.

When done, you will be completely present — and much calmer.

Anxiety Triage Technique #2: Name That Thing

• Name everything around you, speaking its name out loud.
• Start by identifying the closest or more obvious items. Back in the car again, you might start with the black steering wheel… the red speedometer… the blue car hood… the green pickup truck that just passed… a silver Mercedes… a white Toyota.

Continue until you have returned to a calmer state of mind.

Anxiety Triage Technique #3: Tapping

Tap several pressure points on the body until the anxiety attack subsides. (DO NOT attempt to use this technique while driving or while doing other tasks that need your full attention.)

Start by finding the sensitive spot between and just above your eyebrows. Using the middle finger of your right or left hand, tap that spot 32 times. Use even pressure.

• Now locate the tiny indentation in the eye socket just below your right eye. Gently tap this spot 32 times.
• Repeat with the left eye.
• Tap 32 times behind the right earlobe.
• Repeat with the left earlobe.
• Next, cup your right hand so all the fingertips touch. Find the spot on your sternum in the center of your body, in the location of the heart. Press that spot using the fingertips of your right hand with firm but comfortable pressure. Adjust the position until you feel a sudden release of tension in the shoulders.

Though this technique might seem a little odd, there’s nothing magical about it. You’re simply stimulating various pressure points and, in so doing, initiating the body’s natural relaxation reflex.

Other techniques:

• Learn diaphramatic breathing before it is needed so you are familiar with it and can use it when anxiety and panic attacks occur – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7ySGgAFAAo

• Put your hands in cold water and direct your attention to how they feel. Keep your focus on your hands until the anxiety subsides.

• Color (free printable) mandalas available from http://printmandala.com/

• Use lavender essential oil or Aura Cacia “Panic Button” (found online or at Whole Foods). Take a warm bath. Focus on what the warm water feels like on various parts of your body as you breathe in the relaxing aroma of lavender.

• Stand in the grass in your bare feet. Focus on what that feels like.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Each person needs to find their blend of techniques that creates their own well stocked tool kit. And each person’s tool kit is likely to be different than someone else’s because while each person may have anxiety (for instance), not each person will respond to anxiety techniques the same way. Don’t judge someone else’s use of what works for them or become adamant that what works for you MUST work for them.

Their trauma, their brain wiring, their neuro chemistry are all different than yours. As they say in the 12 Steps ‘take what works and leave the rest.’ So build the BEST tool box for yourself. And that means experimenting. Even though you may find a technique that works the first time you use it, don’t stop there! I can promise you there will be days when it doesn’t work as well so you need a variety of items in that tool box.

Mindfulness techniques for your tool box

One technique is the rubber band technique. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and gently snap it when you need to re-center or re-focus. Put that in your tool box. Or go online and download the mindfulness bell that will ding every X seconds/minutes which will serve as a reminder for you to return to the present.

Soothe yourself in nature. Put that in your tool box. Practice with it every day, long before you need to call on it in crisis. During your lunch break, go outside. Focus all your awareness on what you can see. Move your eyes around the landscape (don’t stare or you will go into a trance). Look deeply at things. See the texture – the ants crawling, the blades of grass, bark on a tree, the cloud formations. As your attention wanders, bring it back to your outside environment, even 50 times. You are strength training your ability to hold your mind on an object. The more you do that the more you recreate new neuro pathways that have nothing to do with your obsessional thinking.

Every day, every single day–even if it’s only for 10 minutes, go outside and work visually with your environment.

We don’t heal in isolation, we heal in community.

There are a lot of symptoms that drive people into isolation: trauma, depression, anxiety, fear, shame, and PTSD with its features of isolating behaviors due to dread of the future, and distortions about their future (I won’t live to have a normal life, healthy partner, be symptom-free, etc.).

PTSD, by its symptomatic nature, isolates. Recovery mandates that we find a balance between The Gentle Life with enough quietness for the anxiety and enough human contact for the depression. That is the fine line everyone struggles to find.

If you are isolating simply to reduce the external stimulation to ward off adrenaline surges, you have not yet found the balance of the need for human contact AND managing the stimulation at the same time.

“Live the Gentle Life”

Healing from the aftermath is not a destination. It’s not even merely a goal of ‘symptom reduction.’ For those who have been significantly altered by their Pathological Love Relationships, sometimes healing is a life style change–learning to embrace Living the Gentle Life. It’s not living the gentle life until you are symptom free, it is living the gentle life because your neurology, biology, psychology and theology have all been altered because of pathology. If you have lived the gentle life and think you are done because your symptoms are reduced, try stopping the gentle life. The symptoms return.

Aftermath is like a rolling wave — it comes in and goes out and you have to deal with those fluctuations for life. If Living the Gentle Life is simply to reduce your symptoms, you will soon be back with symptoms. Why not change your life and make Living the Gentle Life a life style change instead of a symptom management only technique!

We have, on our website, a series of articles covering the different aspects of Living the Gentle Life.

Cognitive dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is the process of holding two opposing belief systems at one time. How best to describe the internal experience of trying to have a relationships with Jekyll/Hyde? At the same moment you are in a pathological relationship you must have simultaneous skill sets for two opposing ‘things’ – Jekyll and Hyde, for Wonderful and Horrible, for Loving and Loathing. To correspond to these dueling relationships, you shift back and forth between Jekyll and Hyde.

Our cognitive dissonance is simply a relational process of trying to be in relationship with two distinctly different people and to hold two opposing views of “He’s good/He’s bad” at the same time.

Today, just recognize that your cog diss as simply a NORMAL response to the pathological’s splits, to their sides, to their dichotomous parts. Anyone who comes to know the pathological must also respond to both sides thus increasing their own cog diss. Now imprint the experience of bouncing back and forth between the parts of the pathological. Know what it feels like emotionally, physically, spiritually, and verbally.

The next time you feel cog diss in yourself while with someone else, you are probably dealing with pathology. The cog diss is a learning template. Use it!

Next week we will talk about anxiety and panic attacks and some techniques that can help easily and quickly calm it down.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Partners of pathologicals face chronic confusion about their reactions to his pathology. The woman feels the incongruency in her partner’s Jekyll-and-Hyde personality, reacts to it, and then gets labeled by him as being hysterical.

The fact is, pathologicals project their traits and behaviors on everyone else and say it’s the woman instead of him. That IS part of pathology. In fact, several different personality disorders DO that in relationships because it is a feature and a trait of pathology. So just maybe those are HIS traits, they are not yours! Maybe what you are seeing is a glimmer of his pathological self-view and worldview, and how he thrusts that upon others and labels them with his own disorder.

Is this normal?

Many of you wonder if what you DO feel in the relationship is the correct or normal way to react. SHOULD you have certain reactions to certain disorders or behaviors? The answer is a resounding “YES!”

Normal people have very strong reactions when exposed short- OR long-term to  pathological persons. In fact, it is normal to have these kinds of reactions, and non-pathological persons SHOULD have strong reactions to abnormal behavior. I have the same types of reactions to pathologicals—I have just had to learn over the years to contain my reactions for professional reasons.

These types of reactions in you can be: confusion, frustration, anxiety, wanting to hurt them (slap them, verbally assault them or fantasies of REALLY hurting them). Some women have reactions of “trying to help him understand himself better so I can alter his behaviors.” Others believe what he says about her and start to judge their own behavior, character, and history. She truly begins to think SHE is the one who is sick and not him. She begins to doubt her own perceptions (well I guess black IS white and bad IS good). Her whole worldview becomes distorted – like looking into a carnival mirror where the world becomes wavy and crazy-looking. Others shut down completely and stop communicating because every word is turned back on her by the pathological. Some become paranoid, knowing he is doing something but she is not able to prove it.

Long Term Effects

Long-term effects are a complete emotional shutdown, physical exhaustion with resulting medical issues, chronic depression and/or anxiety (including PTSD), and an altered sense of self-worth. Much like the elephant who only needs to be chained for a short time before it thinks it can never escape and, therefore, it never tries to—women do the same thing. The emotional operant conditioning by pathologicals renders normally strong and independent women into lobotomized ragdolls who don’t move or respond because they have been trained not to.

Reactions to Pathology

Outsiders who are around the pathological also have their own normal reactions to his abnormal behavior. If he has children, they too have adverse reactions, as does his boss, any normal family members he might have, the neighbors, or anyone else he has to deal with. It is normal to have BIG reactions to pathologicals. Even pets often don’t like them! Come on, now—if a dog avoids him—we should too!

Reactions to pathology are expected and, to a large degree, normal. Then there are those of you who not only have had your training at the hands of intimate pathological relationships, but you have been trained in your youth by pathological parents. By now abnormal behavior most likely looks and feels totally normal to you. The effects of pathological parenting are huge and set up reactions, behaviors and worldviews that need intense treatment in order to be set straight.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

“How sick is TOO sick?”

One of the characteristics of women who have been in Pathological Love Relationships is that they are very forgiving and tolerant of less-than-stellar mental-health qualities in their intimate relationships. That’s because, according to our research and to name but a few, the women have very elevated traits of compassion, empathy, tolerance, and acceptance. These are excellent and humanitarian traits to have… except in a relationship with a pathological person. These traits can then create ‘super glue’ that keeps you in a relationship you should NOT be tolerating, accepting, or being empathetic about. The problem is, women often don’t realize that someone can simply have ‘narcissistic traits’ or ‘psychopathic traits’ and still be a danger to them in a relationship.

That’s because it doesn’t take much pathology to dramatically and negatively affect her and the relationship. It only takes a drop of abnormal psychology to really screw up the relationship and the others around him. This is why even ‘just traits’ are important to identify. ‘Just traits’ means he has SOME of the criteria for, let’s say, narcissism or psychopathy, but not enough to fully qualify for the full diagnosis. But let’s not split hairs here! A few traits are enough to qualify for being TOO pathological. It DOES matter that he is a tad bit pathological because any of the traits of pathology are negative and harmful.

A little or a lot?

Would it matter that he had a little or a lot of low empathy? No. The result is the same–low empathy and the pain he causes others. Little-to-none is almost none—it doesn’t matter if he is a little unempathetic or a lot. Not being able to have empathy is the bottom line.

Would it matter if he had a little or a lot of poor impulse control? I doubt his poor impulse control affected his sexual acting out, his drug use, or his wild spending habits.

A little goes a long way in poor impulse control.

Would it matter if he had a little or a lot of rebellion against laws, rules, or authority? Probably not. Even just a little bit of rebellion has the propensity for getting him arrested or fired, ignoring a restraining order or refusing to pay child support. How about ‘just pathological enough’ to really screw up your children with his distorted and warped worldview? Or his chronic inconsistency, his wavering devotion to you or them, his role-modeling of his addictions, or his display of “the rules aren’t for me” attitude?

Minimizing

I watch women look for loopholes to minimize the pathology he has instead of looking at the ways he meets criteria for the pathology he has and finding reasons to get out. Indeed, they find reasons “it’s not THAT bad.” But just a little bit of a ‘bad boy’ is probably too pathological – too sick for a normal relationship. Since pathology is:

• the inability to sustain positive change,
• grow to any meaningful depth, or
• develop insight about how one’s behavior affects others

…even just some pathology is too much.

If he can’t sustain change (you know… all those things he promises to change about himself) or grow or have insight about how and why he hurts you… he’s TOO pathological—TOO sick—TOO disordered to have anything that resembles a normal relationship. Why would you want a relationship that has NO capacity to grow, change, or meet your needs?

Bad-boy enticement is very real… that edginess he has makes many women highly attracted to him. But beyond the edginess can be anything from ‘just traits’ to ‘full-blown pathology.’

Nonetheless, women must learn to draw a line in the sand that even ‘just traits’ is enough to guarantee their unhappiness and put them at risk for harm in the hands of a guy who is ‘too pathological’ for her!

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

I heard a universal “sigh of relief” go out around the world as women read the title of this article. Don’t you feel better knowing there really IS some science backing the whole issue of having way too much empathy?

When we began writing about women who love psychopaths, anti-socials, sociopaths and narcissists, we already assumed that maybe you did have too much empathy (as well as other elevated temperament traits). We just didn’t know how much, or why. When we began the actual testing for the research of the book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, we learned just how much empathy you had.

Do I need to tell you? WAY TOO MUCH!

By now you have probably already suspected that your super-high empathy is what got you in trouble in this pathological relationship. But did you know there is hard science behind what we suspected about what is going on in your relationship with your Super Trait of high empathy? It really IS all in your head—and your genes.

In fact, these genes influence the production of various brain chemicals that can influence just how much empathy you have. These brain chemicals include those that influence orgasm and its effect on how bonded you feel, while also influencing some aspects of mental health. (No, no! That is not a good mix!)

Other brain chemicals influence how much innate and learned fear you have. However, females don’t seem to assess threats well, and the chemicals then increase their social interactions while at the same time they are not assessing fear and threats well. (This is not a good thing!)

One of the final chemical effects delays your reflexes (like not getting out of the relationship), and also impacts your short- and long-term memory (how you easily store good memories that are very strong, and how you store bad memories which are easily forgotten). And, since it is genetic, it can run in entire families that produce gullible and trusting individuals who seem to just keep getting hurt.

Of course, the reverse is also true.  Genes can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence how little empathy a person has. We already know in great detail how this affects those with personality disorders. Personality disordered people (especially Cluster B disorders) struggle with not experiencing, or not having, any empathy.

Over the past few years, we have been writing about various aspects of personality disorders and the brain. This has included the issue of brain imaging. What we are finding out is how brain structure and chemicals can affect personality, empathy, behavior and, consequently, the behavior in relationships. As advances are made in the field of neurobiology, we are learning more and more of what The Institute has always believed—that there is a lot of biology behind personality development issues such as personality disorders. Genetics and neurobiology are proving that behavior associated with narcissism, borderline, and anti-social personality disorders, along with psychopathy, has as much to do with brain wiring and chemistry as it does with behavioral intent.

The Institute has long said to survivors that personality disorders are not merely willful behavior, but brain deficits that control how much empathy, compassion, conscience, guilt, insight, and change a person is capable of. Autism and personality disorders share a common thread as “empathy spectrum disorders” now being studied extensively within the field of neuroscience.

But, in some opposite ways, the women also share a common thread of an empathy disorder—hyper-empathy. We are coming to understand that hyper-empathy has much to do with your innate temperament. You come into the world wired with the personality you have – the genetic predispositions to high or low empathy, and brain chemistry configurations that contribute to levels of empathy. The old thinking, which assumes women with high empathy are merely doormats, is not scientifically correct when looking at current studies.

Neuroscience, with all its awesome information, has the dynamic power to blow us all out of the murky waters of assuming that our behavior is merely a reflection of our will.  As neuroscience graces our minds with new understanding of how our brains work, it brings with it incredible freedom to understand our own traits and the pathological traits of others.

For a mind-blowing book on the genetic and neurobiology of not only personality disorders but evil as well, read Barbara Oakley’s book, Evil Genes, or her latest book on hyper-empathy entitled, Cold-Blooded Kindness. Information on your Super Traits is in the award-winning Women Who Love Psychopaths, which is also taught during retreats, in phone sessions, and in training for mental health professionals.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Who isn’t driven crazy by the brain aftermath of a pathological love relationship? Often referred to as ‘scrambled egg brain’, the inability to focus, think one congruent thought, ping ponging monkey mind, cognitive fog, trance, mind control-like symptoms – are all the norm after the powerful pathology ‘mind meld.’

Do you know the number one and number two reasons why people come to the Institute for help?

1. Intrusive thoughts
2. Cognitive dissonance

Both are a vicious cycle feeding into each other.

Traditional approaches to ‘thought stopping’ with intrusive thoughts have only been found to be minimally effective with this population. Consequently we are really focusing in on finding better solutions for treatment of aftermath symptoms.

However, in the meantime, why not go with a tried-and-true approach that has been around for thousands of years? Yoga has had consistently good results with depression, anxiety (that increases intrusive thoughts which increases cognitive dissonance), and physical benefits that help to reduce blood pressure, tension, and other physical problems associated with aftermath symptomatology.

Twenty minutes a day of yoga can render good results. It’s a great ‘no excuses’ kind of activity that anyone can weave into their day. You can follow along on TV with yoga shows, or there are yoga programs on the internet, as well as how-to DVDs. Some churches and libraries offer low cost yoga groups. A couple of yoga centers in my town offer a free class every week so I make sure to hit those. Regardless, find a program that works for you and commit to 20 minutes a day.

Personally, I can tell a huge difference in my own body, health and mood when I am using yoga. How about you? How is it working for you?

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

“Dissociation isn’t a life skill.” ~ Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Dissociation is described as:

1. The splitting off of a group of mental processes from the main body of consciousness, as in amnesia.
2. The act of separating or state of being separated.
3. The separation into two or more fragments.

Let’s talk about dissociation a minute… it’s technically a defense mechanism—we separate from our memory things that we don’t want or can’t deal with. In trauma (like abuse or rape), that’s helpful at the time. If dissociation becomes your major defense mechanism, it can become one of several full-blown dissociative disorders which are very intense types of disorders. But outside of full-blown dissociative disorders, there is still the ability to heavily rely on dissociation even if you don’t have a disorder.

We can unknowingly learn to dissociate and use it against ourselves! Dissociation is when we separate the details of an event from our awareness. I think this happens with dangerous men as early as the first date – when we choose to not pay attention to our screaming red flags. We are dissociating their messages away from our awareness because, if we truly became aware, we might ditch them early on and we don’t want to.

Dissociation can become a primary defense mechanism if you grew up in a dysfunctional, abusive, addictive, or violent home. That’s because children can easily go on ‘overwhelm mode’ and check out—or dissociate—because they can’t handle what’s going on. If you never learned adult coping skills, it’s likely you use the ones you do know, which are from childhood. And, if your primary skill was dissociation, you’re probably using that now and it probably has gotten you into a lot of trouble in your patterns of relationship selection.

After a while, you don’t even know you’re dissociating. It’s just automatic. So you can dissociate away a lot of IMPORTANT stuff early on—like discrepancies in his stories, the not-so-nice words he says to you, the tone of his voice, or other behaviors that SHOULD cause concern but don’t.

Any time you separate a memory from all its components, you are dissociating from the whole memory, which is why remembering ALL the relationship issues—not just the good times—is important. The bad times are a part of the memory or the memory is merely a fragment of what REALLY happened. You can also separate other parts of the memory like sensations, words or phrases, physical or sexual pain inherent in the memory, things you tasted/smelled/saw, and various emotions that were prevalent in the relationship. That’s why women get these very skewed ‘snapshots’ of just the good times long after those times have passed. The whole snapshot would look very different indeed if it incorporated all the senses into the memory.

Sometimes women can dissociate—or fragment—the meaning, motive, or intent as well. So he uses all your money and your response is, “He meant well; he just doesn’t know how to handle money.” That’s not likely the situation, so the motive or meaning of what he was REALLY doing is fragmented so you don’t have to take action.

Dissociation can become an unconscious reason to say, “I didn’t notice…” because underneath, dissociation was naturally at work and it also worked for the ability to stay in the relationship and not notice. How long can you live on the reasoning behind dissociation which is, “I didn’t know, I didn’t notice”? This is why I say that dissociation is not a life skill. It doesn’t help you move forward. Instead, it keeps you frozen in time.

Women describe dissociation as a numbing or spacey feeling. They either don’t feel something or they are too spaced out to do much about it. In the middle of a traumatic event, spacing out and numbing is a good thing. Even as adults, I still advocate that there are times for ‘therapeutic dissociation’—like during a root canal. Who wants to be present and aware for that? But the problem is that dissociation becomes largely unmanaged. Then it becomes downright dangerous to you, robbing you of your ability to be aware, in tune, and vigilant.

Look back over your childhood for patterns of dissociation. Look back over your adult relationships and see how influenced your choices were by dissociation. Look at your life NOW for signs of when you check out, become aware, drift off, or stuff feelings at the speed of light so you don’t have to make a decision about something. These are all aspects of dissociation.

While it may have helped you in a time of trauma, as an adult your recovery is about growing healthier and developing stronger coping skills than mere dissociation. All of real life is happening now—are you missing it?

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about Pathological Love Relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

by Sandra L. Brown, MA

I wrote about ‘verbal bulimia’ in my Dangerous Man book, discussed it again in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone of it in the newsletters, and yet I still see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds inappropriate to anyone else listening, but also puts them at tremendous risk among pathologicals.

Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group therapy, I asked them how they chose their ‘targets’ and they said, “I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over-disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said—what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for and—VOILÀ—you’re in!”

On my flight back from our Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel a few years ago, I had one of those over-disclosing women sitting in front of me. Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so as not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. In fact, she was so loud, the rows around her couldn’t even have their own private conversations because she was ‘holding court’ in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.

LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started—which is why she YELLED—or afterward from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS’s golf course. (I am illustrating the way she talked with her volume up on the important parts of her braggadocio story.) And that she FLEW back and forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CLIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING. (Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within hearing range of this conversation…)

Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her). (The psychopath is totaling up how much her jewelry and big screen TVs are worth about now…)

Then it was on to her OTHER VACATION travels she had recently been on… while all those around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in their ears (except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their suntan lotion—dreaming of a future trip WITH her).

FINALLY, glory to God, the plane landed, and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked her stomach in as she noticed the guy in my row had a three-piece suit on (gag!), a gold chain and, to her, I guess, ‘potential.’ This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn’t manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O’Hara: “Could some big strong man help little ol’ me here?”

She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face, “You know what I HATE?” “What?” he asks. “There are three lanes on a highway—one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, the last one for me—which is get out of my way! The thing that drives me the MOST crazy in the whole world…” (I’m wondering—poverty? Abuse? World hunger? Obviously not psychopaths—what?) … is people who drive too slow so that I can’t roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour.”

She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my ‘therapy gaze’ on her now—like, “Girl, GET a therapist!” The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line shift their positions to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and going to the BACK of the plane, not out! What psychopath doesn’t want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her country club membership? Or that dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?

OK, OK… not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garishly and obnoxiously as this woman did. But they DO do it! There isn’t a pathological who isn’t wired to hear the hints and home in on them. They don’t have to remember to listen—it’s as natural as breathing to them.

Maybe your disclosure is more subtle, like at church: “Pray for me, I’m going through a divorce.” Or in personal ads—“Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate.” Or on a chat forum: “Yeah, I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I’m just looking for a nice guy to settle down with—someone who likes children and animals, a church-goer—someone who shares my love of art and hiking.”

TMI! TMI! Too.Much.Information!!

It’s hard to remember that all the ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not ‘normal’ ones…that pathologicals are listening for the signs that are a green light to them to make a move on you. That includes any hint of what you’re looking for (Fine, I can be that! he thinks) or loneliness (I’ll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you’ve gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren’t ALL like that!)

Some are listening for your financial info. Many are parasitic and are looking for ways to live with others so they can conveniently lose their job while with you or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.

Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, ‘just friends’ status, a stepfather for your children, a spiritual mentor, a shoulder to cry on…

Others are listening to your unrealized dreams so they can ‘support you’ in your journey to being a writer, a painter, a therapist, or going back to college, or starting your own business…

Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Not listened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?

Remember the church song when you were little: “Be careful—little eyes what you see… Be careful—little ears what you hear… Be careful—little mouth what you say…” Remember that? It reminded us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH need to be careful. The song went on: “For the Father up above is looking down in love, so be careful little mouth what you say.” If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn’t be an issue. One in 25 people have no conscience, and thus are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.

So, you’re probably wondering what I did about the obnoxious, verbally bulimic woman on the plane. I flipped my business card at her with my finger and, as luck would have it, it landed in her cleavage, and I kept on walking. Imagine her thoughts as she read my card: “The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education, Psychotherapist & Author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.”

Too bad the plane was too crowded to turn around and see her reaction!!

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about Pathological Love Relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com