By Sandra L. Brown
I was often asked what my red flags are when I was counseling a couple and I sensed he might be dangerous. There certainly ARE specific things that I have trained my ear to listen for because they are often indicators of more serious problems often attached to dangerous behavior.
These include:
- Pacing of the relationship. If its 24/7 it’s not that he’s “just that into you.” Pathological men have agendas about getting the relationship to appear intense and deep quickly. They want to usher you into the middle of the relationship before you figure out his agenda or respond to your own red flags. Predators told me in group sessions that their move is to ‘sweep them off their feet’ by overwhelming them with intensity of emotion, time, and gifts. Women who get into intense relationships in which they are very quickly seeing each other constantly, not having an outside life, and have the sensation of being ‘breathless’ from the pace of the relationship are often with a dangerous man. Many different types of dangerous men often try to move in quickly or marry quickly – both of which should be a red flag to a woman. Women should always be in charge of the pace of the relationship which should be SLOW. Women should also change the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. Normal men accept that you ask for more time to yourself whereas dangerous men do not. They guilt and shame you into keeping the pace at THEIR rate, not yours.
- Serial Relationships. Women often ignore a man’s history of failed relationships. Guys with histories of multiple failed relationships have difficulty being alone so they rapidly seek other relationships without reflection on the failed one. This lack of insight in the failed relationship increases his pacing so that women are hurried into a relationship before figuring out why he has so many failed relationships. One clue I always listen for is his relational history — how many relationships, why they ended, what he has to say about his own responsibility in them ending, and what he says about the woman now. Men who take no responsibility for their actions often have mental health issues as do men who never say anything good about any of the women they have been with.
- His History. Women need to find information about his criminal, mental health, and relationship history. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are on-line background search sites[1] that can do this. Women often discount a man’s criminal history. His criminal history is a good predictor of future violence, other criminality and sometimes mental health issues. Likewise, his mental health history matters! If he has been diagnosed with a mental condition, most conditions INCREASE with time, age, and stress. Mental conditions are highly unpredictable and how he appears now is not a guarantee of any stability in the future. All of his histories matter: criminal, mental health, and relational.
- Enduring Patterns of Behavior. Women often believe they can change a man once they are in a relationship. It’s one of our characteristics we don’t like to admit, but it is often part of our belief system. If he has always been this way he may have a pathological disorder which is determined by looking at enduring patterns of behavior that don’t change. Chronic womanizing, unrelenting unemployment, long histories of addictions, etc. are all examples of enduring patterns of behavior. We begin to suspect pathological (which means a permanent disorder) when people have long histories of certain behaviors. These behaviors will not be changed by you or anyone else, including professionals.
- His pattern of selection. The types of women he has dated can reveal the type of woman he targets. A history of emotionally unhealthy women should be a red flag. Some men love victimized women, others like women with low self esteem, or those who are financially dependent. What are the women like that he has been with and why are you now the one he wants to be with?
If these are red flags for me, they certainly should be for women as well. Women who end up with dangerous man after dangerous man are women who ignore the warning signs like these and often hope they are going to get different results than what the professionals are advising. Don’t be one of them!
[1] On-line criminal record and/or background checks may not be complete due to a variety of reasons. He may have lived elsewhere or used a different name (John instead of Jack, Allen instead of Al, etc.) Not all jurisdictions have their criminal records on-line.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
