Loving Your Self

“Something inside you emerges…. An innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness.  It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence.  It is what you had been looking for in the love object.  It is yourself.”  ~Eckhart Tolle

 In the tradition of Valentine’s Day, February becomes a time when we celebrate love and romance.  We give or receive tokens of love in material forms, and hopefully, love is given and received in emotional, physical, and spiritual ways.  This is very beautiful, when it is truly love.  With all the emphasis put of love between lovers, we forget the most important form of love – loving your Self.

Loving the Self can be challenging for most people, but can prove beyond reason for those who have had life experiences with pathological individuals.  Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with a pathological, whether in a family, career, or love situation knows how damaged one can feel as a result of the relationship.  It can be described as a psychologically invoking lockdown of the mind and soul, an emotional coma that robs one their freedom.  The most amazing part is that the psychologically wounded individual does not even realize the damage that has happened until they awaken from the effects of pathology.  It is in this awaking that one can begin the process of loving the Self.

Self can be viewed as one’s true nature, their essence or spirit, who one truly is.  It is said to be pure consciousness, presence, or awareness.  We are a triune being made up of body, soul, and spirit, so our Self could be looked at as the part deep within that was created in the image and likeness of God.  It is the deepest part within each one of us that is our home base, the part that transcends above the wounds we endure.  The key is to be able to tap into this part of our being, so that we may see ourselves as we really are – our wholeness.  If we could come to the point where we awaken from our present state, this ability to love our Self is possible, and without question, attainable.  But, it takes time, and a deep wanting to get to the truth about who you are, so that you may come to find your true Self – and that’s where loving your Self begins.

The concept of self-love can seem arrogant or even narcissistic to some people.  We can see how this might be the case through misguided teachings within our families, schools, and religious institutions.  Because of this, many have a skewed idea of self-love.  But to love your Self in balance is to love at the core of your innermost being.  If you don’t love yourself it is impossible to love others.  Having said this, take a good look at the ‘love’ that you have brought to some of your relationships.  The feelings might be there, as well as the emotions and the intentions, but love in its true essence is missing.  This is especially true in a pathological relationship.  If the pathological is unable to truly love, and their partner is not aware of their own Self, how can love be the foundation of the relationship?

Many people, especially those in pathological relationships, are so busy trying to generate ‘love’ within the relationship, and keeping the other person content, that they eventually loose sight of who they have become.  They forget to love and nurture their Self.  Many have never even known what it is like to love their Self.  It is hopefully, at the point of frustration, of hitting bottom, that the desire to know ones Self comes about.

The desire to find oneself, and the steps one may take to begin this process varies with each individual. Some may take a religious approach, finding peace within their place of worship, others may gravitate towards a more psychological approached, some may use physical exercise and body works, while others take from various disciplines and integrate several practices. Whatever path one chooses, the first step is always the same – a desire to come to a place of peace.  When we open ourselves to wanting to know the truth of who we really are, it is amazing to see how people and situations are put in our life that assist in leading us to this knowledge to awaken.

My point of awakening came on a Saturday morning one February.  I had always known that my true Self was somewhere in me, and needed to be found, but I had no idea how to find me.  After many years of hearing ‘what’ I was, ‘who’ I was, or what I was suppose to ‘be,’ I decided to search for the real me.  When I became serious about this desire, things began to unfold like a map.  Sometimes I knew the direction to take, and sometimes I just went along, but I kept moving forward searching for the most important person in my life – me.  Situations and people were put into my life, one after another, and then one day I realized why a particular person was placed in my life. That person’s presence would change who I was in a most profound way and I would never be the same.  It was because of this individual, and the surrounding circumstances, that I awakened and was able to see my true Self, and then to love my Self.

When you come to this point, a shift takes place within, and every distorted thought about yourself is seen as misinformation.  You learn to separate fact from fiction – what others have projected onto you, as opposed to your true identity.  The shift is so profound, and the truth so clear, that you experience a sense of freedom within like never before.  Someone once told me, “I feel so free that it scares the heck out of me.”  This is understandable.  For so long, maybe for most of your life, you have been imprisoned by the parameters of others thoughts and their behaviors toward you, not to mention your own self-induced fears that limited your ability to see the truth in you.  Because of this, freedom can be unnerving.  Once you become accustomed to this freedom, real peace, love, and contentment become commonplace in life.  You are then able to move forward in confidence.  It is always wise to be aware of who and what is placed in your life, because you don’t know whom or what is there to bring you to this point of awakening.

If you have lived with the frustration of not knowing who you really are, if you have been subject to pathology and the inner turmoil that it causes, and if you know that somewhere along the way you lost yourself, then it is time to put all else on hold and concentrate on finding you.  Coming to your true Self is a climatic part of your life journey.  It is the missing piece that is needed in truly loving your Self.

Trait Examination or Character Assassination?

Part of the problem we face in trying to get to the nitty-gritty of pathological love relationships is that ‘how we do it’ or ‘what we call it’ is judged so severely, that it impairs sharing the valuable outcomes that are learned.  There are groups of professions, women’s organizations, and service agencies that tiptoe around what we ‘call’ patterns of selection in relationships.  There are unspoken rules and heavily weighted opinions about ‘what’ we can discuss and ‘how’ we discuss the outcomes.

What am I talking about?  Since the 1970′s and the women’s movement, discussing the specifics about women’s choices in relationships, patterns of selection, personality traits, mental health, and sexual addiction/deviancy has been largely discouraged as ‘labeling the victim’ or ‘victim blaming’.  It has put the victim off limits for any in-depth understanding other than a victimology theory that was developed in the 1970′s.

It is hard to get around the billboard image of ‘victim’ to talk about any kind of relationship dynamics or other psychological aspects (including biology or temperament engrained traits) that is happening in the pathological love relationship.  We may study him, but we already have a ‘theory’ for her that is not to be disturbed.  Compare this to any other field of mental health and it’s absurd that we would say, for example, ‘Being as we already understand depression, no more theories, no more studying!  Don’t call it depression or you are blaming the patient for their own depression.’

To study her is to blame her.  To measure her traits to see if there are vulnerabilities or pattern typing is to suggest she is flawed.

•    The victim assuredly has been through trauma.

•    Studying the victim in no way says they have not been through trauma.

•    The victim is not to blame for what happened to them.

•    Studying the victim in no way says they are responsible for what happened to them.

•    The victim did not ‘choose’ the victimization, but in relational dysfunction, she did choose the victimizer.

Can we learn something about that?

How will cancer be eradicated, or a cure for AIDS be found if we don’t study the problem from all angles?  If we conclude that studying the victim blames them, then we have cut off an entire segment of research that can help us in prevention, intervention, and treatment – whether it’s a medical disorder or a pathological relationship.

Studying victimology, including various aspects, is not victim character assassination.  It might be trait examination or pattern of selection analysis.  It might be a lot of things that have nothing to do with blame and shame, and everything to do with understanding or creating new paradigms in which to see these relationships.  It might piggyback off of theories developed in the 1970′s… surely we have learned SOMETHING new about relationship dynamics, pathology in relationships, personality disorders as intimate partners, violence and addiction and their part in these relationships…surely we can UPDATE a theory without our own assassination or that of the victim?

In some ways, I envy the scientific and research communities that look at the data, and pass all the political correctness and emotional politics of ‘labeling’ something certain groups find offensive.  They test and crunch the numbers and put it in a journal without all the rig-a-ma-roar.  But in our case, what we study and how we describe what we found, is subject to so much scrutiny that many clinicians and writers hesitate to publish what was found.

So it has been with what The Institute has studied, found, reported, and written.  In many organizations the first book, ‘How to Spot a Dangerous Man’ was rejected for looking at family role modeling, patterns of selection, and other aspects that women themselves said contributed to their pathological relationship.  On the other hand, it has been hailed by many domestic violence agencies and used widely in shelters, treatment centers and women’s prisons.

We stepped it up a big notch in ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’ where we used testing instruments to test women’s traits to see if there were temperament patterns in women who ended up in the most dangerous and disordered of relationships.  This caught huge attention from some groups as the groundbreaking trait identification that was, and still is.  However, victim groups saw it as labeling.  How can we help women if we don’t understand their biological make up?

Ironically, what we found was significant – super-traits so perfectly and symmetrically seen in 80 cases.  Did we hurt a victim by studying that? Or have we helped thousands of women who have read the books, been counseled by our trained therapists, and come to our treatment programs?  How would we have got here today without daring to look deeper…to even risk looking at her?  Not to blame her, but to understand her!

Some of the biggest breakthroughs that have been happening are in understanding the biology of our brains and the consequences of biology on our behaviors, choices, and what ramifications these have on our future.  We know that MRI’s are being done on psychopathic brains, revealing areas of the brain that work differently.  Someday, I think that may cross over and other personality disorders and chronic mental illnesses will be able to be detected by MRI’s as well.  This will assist immensely in understanding how those disorders effect biology and brain function.

How can we understand the victim of the pathological?

•    If we used the word ‘damaged’ and looked at how different brain regions of victims function – over or under functioning, influences of stress, PTSD, adrenaline, cortisol, and early childhood abuse – could we come to understand how their brain might function in their patterns of selection in dangerous relationships?

•    Could we come to understand that even temperament traits might give proclivity to how the brain ‘chooses’ or how the brain categorizes, ignores red flags of danger, or is highly reactive to traumatized attraction?

•    Could we understand brains that have higher tolerance levels because of certain brain areas that operate differently than other people?

•    Could we understand traumatic memory storage and why good memories of him (as awful as he might be) are so much stronger than the memories of abuse?

•    If we know what part of the brain distorts memory storage, can we work with that?

•    Could we come to understand trait temperaments as risk factors or certain brain functions as possible victim vulnerabilities?

•    Would we know who is at risk and understand better how to more effectively TREAT the victim in counseling, and develop prevention and intervention programs?

•    Or, how intensity of attachment could be either a temperament trait or a brain function instead of merely calling it ‘victim labeling.’

I am not only interested in the psychobiology of the victim, but how the psychobiology affects patterns of selection and reactions in the most pathological of relationships.  When we really start dealing with an open dialogue about these survivors, looking past ridiculous theories that imply asking questions is victim blaming, then maybe we can really offer some new theories into victimology that by-passes band aid approaches to complex psycho/bio/social understandings.  This is what The Institute intends to do.

Pacing and Planning Your Own Recovery

Becoming Part of The Institute’s Path to Recovery

Since the beginning of the year, we have been focused on discussing your recovery in great detail.  That’s because the power of pathology saws people off at the knees.  In order to heal, you have to have a plan for your own recovery.  We consider this so important, that a portion of all of my counseling including phone, in person, or during retreats, is focused on how to pace and plan your own recovery.

Women fantasize that ‘somehow’ getting over this pathological relationship will just ‘happen’ and don’t realize they should be planning their recovery, or even how to go about planning it.  In fact, most women have done zero to plan or facilitate their own healing process.  Those of you who have found the website are at least that much further ahead than the women who haven’t even begun reading about the topic of her relationships yet!  So finding the information is a great first step.  But, it’s only a first step, and too many women stop there only to relapse and get into yet another pathological relationship.

Last year’s newsletters spent a lot of time examining the depth of damage done at the hands of your pathological.  We have looked at PTSD, The Cracked Vessel, the need for Living the Gentle Life, about intrusive thoughts and obsessions, healing spiritually, healing sexually, and about fantasy and hatred.  We have spent almost 52 weeks looking very deeply at the issues of how this relationship has hurt you emotionally, physically, medically, spiritually, sexually, and financially.

There will always be those women who won’t do anything about their lives except continue to be a victim of it.  How do I know this?  I get the same emails from the same people week after week asking me the same ‘loophole-based’ questions about ‘do I think she should leave him because after all, he SAID he would change.’   Week after week the same people with the same questions who haven’t read the book, who haven’t spent time in the workbook, who haven’t listened to one mp3 or CD, who haven’t spent one hour in counseling…. keep asking the same questions, expecting things to get better, and getting the same results.

Any 12-Stepper knows that the only way they can stay away from something so life-gripping like drugs, alcohol, gambling, or sex is with a concerted daily focused recovery on themselves, and the behaviors, habits, and beliefs that led to the life-damaging events that have altered them.  Women who will recover from pathological relationships are those who take the same serious and focused approach to the life-gripping and life-damaging relationship that has altered their life.

We spend forty-plus hours a week at The Institute developing ways to strengthen YOUR recovery – after all, this isn’t about US!  We do this by writing books, e-books, making mp3s and CDs, and other products.  By giving workshops and conferences, training therapists so they can do phone counseling with you, opening a retreat center so you can get specific and unique treatment for your issues, and intense research so we understand WHAT you need to heal from this.

We hope that 2012 is the year you really knuckle-down and focus on your recovery – taking the steps you need to heal from the life damaging experience at the hands of the pathological.  Why?  First of all we don’t want pathology to win by destroying the lives of strong and wonderful women.  We exist to kick butt on this issue!  Secondly, WE NEED YOU!

~ If you don’t teach the woman you sit next to, how will she learn to spot
and avoid pathology?

~  If you don’t heal and recover, who will be a teacher to others?

~  Who will run support groups?

~  Who will give community lectures?

~  Who will operate an outreach?

It’s not us.  Our focus is to educate YOU.  Your job is to reach others! The year 2012 can be the year that you heal and reach others.  Let us help you reach your recovery goals, and then, the world!

Are You Really as Far Along as You Think You Are?

For the New Year, in the month of January, we have been discussing recovery and finding your path to emotional wellness from pathological love relationships in 2012.

When women get mild relief from the unrelenting symptoms of the aftermath with a pathological, it can be palatable to them.  The relief from the intrusive thoughts, obsessions, PTSD, poor sleep, hyper-vigilance, or any other problematic symptom can feel ‘healing’ to them.  But it doesn’t always mean they ARE healed.

Over and over again, I have learned how damaging, how unrelenting the aftermath is from pathological relationships.  For some women, it reaches all the way back to childhood with pathological parents.  For others, however, it has only been in their intimate relationships during adulthood, yet it has left its distinguished mark.

Mild relief can often be mistaken for recovery.  Recovery is a life-long journey of self-care.  Recovery can begin at the moment you recognize the damage done to you by pathological individuals, but it doesn’t end with a counselor or a group.  For many women, the symptoms have crept into their worldview – how they see others, their environment, and themselves.  Weekly, I learn again and again, as I meet with women, that the damage is widespread.  This isn’t a quick fix or often, a quick treatment.  While her mild relief or symptoms instills relief or hope, it isn’t the end of her recovery journey.  It’s the beginning.

Like peeling an onion, each layer shows a level of damage that needs care.  All the way down to the core are layers of unperceived and unrecognized aftermath symptoms.  At the core are boundary issues – those necessary limits that shows that someone understands what is hers, someone else’s, or God’s.  From the center of boundaries are developed gates that serve as limits saying what one will tolerate and will not tolerate. Boundaries are the bedrock of all recovery.  Anything that is built will be built from the issue of healthy or unhealthy boundaries.  Many women don’t realize that pathological people target women with poor boundaries.  They test it out early in the relationship, and when small violations are not managed, they proceed on with bigger violations.  Every violation is a green light.  Boundaries are the first step in recovery.

In another layer of the onion lays hyper-vigilance issues.  High harm avoidance from PTSD weaves a level of distrust in new environments, people, and situations.  It affects fear of the future and even fear of the present.

Another layer of the onion is communication – the ability to listen in the midst of upset.  Since pathological individuals have skewed communication, this area is often seriously affected.  Long-term exposure to pathological people produces the same type of skewed communication patterns and linguistics in women who have normalized abnormal behavior.

A layer of emotional regulation is most assuredly part of the aftermath – anxiety, depression, irritability, the overflow of pent up emotions, and the inability to control the emotions can be experienced.

Layer after layer are aftermath symptoms that must be peeled away and treated in recovery.  Everyone knows how many layers are in an onion.  While it may be disconcerting to see all those layers, the layers are translucent and show the wounding on each level that recovery must touch.  Women who have begun recovery may be surprised at what feels like the unending layers of the onion, and wonder when they will reach the core.  A mild relief from anxiety or sleeplessness is welcomed, but should not be viewed as more than it is.  Reaching to the core is deep work and should be respected for the lengthy process it is likely to be.  What other choice is there?

Whether you begin at the core with boundaries, or start at the outer edge with symptom management and work into the core, allow the process because there is no healing without it.  We must never underestimate the damage done by pathological individuals at a deep emotional and even spiritual level.

Why A Focused Recovery IS Necessary Part II – Beginning 2012 with a Completely Different Mind Set

Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery, and moving forward.  In fact, during the month of January we are going to look at why starting 2012 ‘differently’ can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.

The past few years at The Institute have been a tremendous time of development.  (Don’t mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened at The Institute…)

A mere four years ago the newsletter started.  We now have over 35,000 subscribers each week.  That created a snowball effect, and the personalized  coaching began.  More e-books were written.  Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.

Research commenced, and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book is now in its second edition.  The retreat program started, along with training for therapists and coaches, and law enforcement/judicial. Sandra began to do more key note speaking at other organization conferences, including law schools and victim organizations.

All this development, and more, has happened as a result of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological.  All this research occurred after realizing there was really something to the ‘temperament’ of women who end up in pathological relationships.  All the phone coaching, therapist training and retreat center creation because so few people ‘get it’ about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics.  For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you, and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.

The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eyeballing closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound.  If there were lots of ‘his type’ relationships, then the damage is even more profound.  What this does over the long haul is that it takes some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying them.
Untreated, symptoms get worse.  Symptoms that get worse affect your life functioning and your children.  Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. If you do get a healthy partner, you don’t appreciate him, or you’re too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship, so he leaves.

Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse, so obsessions increase.  Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions.  This creates isolation.  Isolation makes you at risk of re-contacting him, and re-contacting him lowers your coping skills.  As your coping skills lower, your fantasizing increases—’Maybe he ISN”T pathological’, ‘Maybe he WILL stop cheating,’ etc., and your minimizing begins – ‘At least he…’
More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of
flashbacks, fears of the future, unbridled worry, depression, and insomnia.

Is any of this sounding familiar?  There is a typical de-compensation pattern that most of the women go through.  Recovery can stop that de-compensation and begin rebuilding your life.  By December 31, 2012, how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms?  On the other hand, how many of you will be ‘pathology free’ – symptoms reduced, a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future?  How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, have lost weight, have more friends, have a better job, have happier children, got more self-esteem, gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship?

I’m not a resolution-type person, so I don’t make them.  But, I AM an advocate for complete life changes.  Not tiny habits, but big overhauls.  Let’s face it if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul.  Something malfunctioned in your life that created this huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you.  That’s not a little issue – take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was ‘little.’  Ask others if they think it was little.

This year, 2012, is going to be a great year at The Institute – I can just feel it.  We spent the last several years laying a solid groundwork for super programming this year.  For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal the women who have loved pathological individuals.  I believe we have covered all bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in-person coaching (retreats, 1:1s), portable products (e-books, books, DVDs, CDs), and community outreach through workshops that we will be putting online. You can join the workshop from your living room.  We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible.  I have found out that the Dangerous Man book and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book is now in almost every country of the world! The Dangerous Man book has been translated into a couple of languages and the psychopath book is mentioned in various documentaries.

I hope in 2012 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you’ll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing.  Then, we hope you will run support groups in your community, give power-point presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group.  Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I’m tired enough!), how about stepping out and being the powerhouse in your own community?  How about taking it to the streets and passing it forward?  How about turning your life around so you can be a role model for other women?  All of this begins when you start healing yourself…and moving forward.

The truth is–there is only us to educate others.  You don’t see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships, do you?  That’s because it doesn’t exist.  Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others.
However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.

It’s you and me, babe!  As Gandhi said, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’

Join us in 2012 for Healing Your Heart!  We’re here.

Finding Effective Help in 2012!

By now, if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love relationship and can’t find effective and knowledgeable counseling, you have probably figured out what we have…that the pathological love relationship is NOT widely understood.

Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends, and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as ‘codependent’ or ‘mutually addictive’ or merely ‘emotional abuse.’ Women jump from counselor to counselor, and from one group counseling experience to another group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.

She looks for some understanding at ‘what’ is wrong with him.  Giving him the label of ‘abuser’ doesn’t quite cover the extensive array of the brilliant psychopathic tendencies he possesses.  Why did he target HER?  Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time?  Why do her symptoms resemble ‘mind control’ more than mere abused woman syndrome?  Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakable than any other man?  Is it abuse if he never physically harms her but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?

What we are finding out from our research with those who have been in pathological love relationships is that all of the usual dynamics in regular relationships, both functional and the occasional dysfunctional DON’T apply to pathological relationships.  All of the usual dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON’T apply to the pathological relationship, either.  No wonder women can’t find the help they need…it hasn’t been taught YET!  Our research is pointing towards women who DON’T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers, and in other abusive situations.  These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse, nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters.  Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other ‘typologies.’  And, their current symptoms don’t match the simply ‘dysfunctional-type’ love relationship.

Could it be that the dynamics in pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships?  Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren’t helped by more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships?  Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women?  Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling?  And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it?  Why are these women’s personality traits so vastly different than shelter women, or abused women?

Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors ‘not-understanding-psychopathology,’ family ‘lumping-all-relationship-types-together,’ friends saying-’just-get-over-it’ and counseling-programs ‘telling-her-she’s-just-codependent’.  Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people ‘not getting it.’  Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships, because all relationships are not created equal – especially when one of them is pathological.  Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self-concept, and recovery deters a woman’s ability to heal.  Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.

The Institute has developed programs and materials exactly for this reason.  We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs are specifically geared to ‘Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,’ our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40 plus products all developed to teach pathology and its related issues to others.

Why?  Why all the effort in treatment related issues?  Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident.  Our mailing list asks the question week after week, ‘Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon…who can help…?  Why don’t counselors understand this?  Why can’t anyone explain to me what is going on? If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I’m going to scream!’ Why is this so hard to understand?

Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same phase of misunderstanding that other theories of counseling have encountered.  When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders.  Unfortunately, those who suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.

The Institute operates as a public education project on psychopathological issues, which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology.  This includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships.  Please bear with what entails, as an entirely new and emerging field of psychology is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this particular population of people.  After all, until we began our research and writings, no one had even bothered to study the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types.  No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories, and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships.  So, to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.

At The Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to the needs of individuals.  In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach:

Our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people

• The blogs we write for websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! help to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise

•  Our books, CDs, DVDs are international

•  Expanded retreat format, and private1:1′s with Sandra

•  Telephone coaching has doubled in size

•  Weekly teleconferencing support groups

•  Therapist Training Programs

All are born out of our desire to reach YOU!  As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the needs presented.  That’s because we recognize that the services available out there are slim.  We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the needs that exist—but an ever needed drop to a thirsty population.  So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services, many women will go untreated.

I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist.  Please remain hopeful that along with The Institute there are other therapists and agencies that hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you recover.  We too, are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach.  If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please let us know your thoughts.

In the meantime, if our coaching programs can be of assistance please use them.  Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings.  If you are a survivor, we would love for you to bring healing to yourself through our phone coaching, support groups, or retreats (February & March 2012).  The fact is, the more we learn, the more we can teach.  But we can only do so much.  One agency like ours can’t heal the world.  But we can teach what we know and assist in healing those who come for help, which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained, (January 26-30, 2012 training in Hilton Head Island, SC!)  Don’t lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological.  Remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we are growing as fast as we can!

Watch with us vigilantly, as we see this new field of psychology emerge and expand!  Please let 2012 be the year of healing for you.  We’ve worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward.

Much healing to you in 2012!

 

A New Year, A New You

As we welcome in the New Year, many are making resolutions and anticipating plans for the coming year.  Some motivated individuals actually progress into their resolutions and plans, and many achieve the goals they set out to reach. Most however, loose sight of their goals and lack the motivation to carry out a well-directed plan to achieve the resolves they set for themselves.  Part of this is just human nature.  We become comfortable in our current circumstances, and find it difficult to “take the bull by the horns” and make the necessary changes we need in our life.  Most people want instant gratification, and when they do not see instantaneous results, they become frustrated and give up.  It’s so much easier to sit and complain than to get up and get moving.

For those who do muster up the motivation and courage to change the course of their life, the rewards are endless.  They are the individuals who realize that they have spent way too much time complaining, crying, wanting and wishing. They are the ones who have given far too much of their inner and outer resources to the wrong people and the wrong places.  They are the ones who have sat idle watching life pass them by. They know deep down that some people and some situations are beyond change – and if they want to see change, they are the ones that must change.  And, an internal shift is the only change that brings results.

Change sounds promising, but equally as frustrating to someone who is dealing with or healing from a pathological relationship.  Hope mixes with hopelessness as emotions and circumstances fluctuate.  This is understandable, considering the damage pathological individuals cause within relationships.  Sometimes it feels so much easier to remain in denial and act like life is great, or to crawl under the covers and pretend that life doesn’t exist.  But, the rationally thinking mind knows that this only creates more internal dysfunction and distress in the long run.

Each person reading this has gone through similar experiences and feelings while the circumstances may have differed.  Some are dealing with volatile and dangerous situations while others may be tolerating the day-to-day nonsense that accompanies the pathological relationship, and others are in the process of recovering and healing from the effects of this type of relationship. Whatever circumstances you may find yourself in at the beginning of this New Year, know that you can choose to change.  It is your God-given right to have a life of abundance, joy, and peace.  But it takes time and it takes effort.

A relatively workable, but challenging way to shift into better living in the New Year is to resolve to eliminate as much negativity from your life as possible.  Many are probably thinking, “Right, are you kidding me?  I’m involved with the definition of negativity itself.”  And you are correct – you are.  However, no matter what circumstance presents itself in life, we have the opportunity to choose.  A quote by Dr. Shad Helmstetter reads, “It is only when you exercise your right to choose that you can also exercise your right to change.”  So, in choosing to eliminate negativity, you are choosing change in the form of allowing more positives into your life.

How do you begin to eliminate negativity from your life?  You start with yourself.  When people are in difficult or dysfunctional circumstances, they usually complain—a lot.  They complain to their spouse, their family, their friends, and just about anyone who is in ear range to listen.  They don’t realize the more they complain, the worse they feel, overall.  It is perfectly normal and healthy to verbalize complaints to a trusted friend or confidant on occasion, but the endless whining, however justified, is never a good idea for one’s physical or emotional health.  It is always preferable to get with a competent counselor or psychotherapist who is knowledgeable in the area of psychopathology, to assist in the healing process.

We can eliminate negativity in our life by choosing to associate with positive people.  We bring negativity into our space when we socialize with those who are negative in their demeanor.  Notice when you are with a person who is chronically negative how their negativity seems to “stick” to you.  Suddenly, if you weren’t already in a bad frame, you feel angered, agitated, or depressed. When it’s really noticeable, it actually brings on a sense of oppression.  We all have people in our lives that choose to be negative.  The key is to limit your time interacting with these people. During your interactions, try to keep the conversation light and on a positive note.  It is so easy to get sucked into negative conversation, especially when experiencing less than positive situations in life.  As the saying goes, “misery loves company”—stay away from those individuals.

We can eliminate negativity by choosing what we internalize in the forms of music, television, computer sites, and reading material. What we listen to, view, and read can greatly affect our internal state.  This is why it is so important to make sure we ingest as much positive material as possible, because it has a great effect on our life.

Dealing with the everyday nonsense that the psychopathic partner brings is, of course, the most challenging for eliminating negativity from your life.  The optimum choice is to get out of the situation as soon as possible, and to learn all you can about dealing with the traits you exhibit as someone who has love relationships with psychopaths.  Knowledge is power, and once you receive knowledge in this area, you will be better equipped to deal with future relationships.  If you are unable to leave your current situation, learn all you can about the type of relationship you are experiencing and make choices for exiting the relationship as soon as it is feasible.

For those who are struggling within a pathological relationship, do not internalize what the pathological throws your way.  It’s not about you, but any women he would be in a relationship with.  This alone could eliminate so much negativity from your life.  When you realize that the psychopath can never, and will never change, you can obtain a sense of acceptance and peace that you are not in control, or to blame for his happiness or intolerant behaviors.  He will never sustain any type of positive change, which in turn, means his character flaws deem him a chronically negative force in his own life, and in the life of others.

Eliminating negativity from your life is just the tip of the iceberg in changing your life for the better.  But, it is a major decision to make this shift. By choosing the positive over the negative, it sets you up for other positive life choices that will affect your quality of life in continuously amazing ways.  During the coming year we will continue to explore various, holistic ways of healing from the effects of the pathological relationship, and how to take back your life for a better way of living.

Here’s to a wonderful 2012 – a year of positive choices and healing!

(Before starting any health program, please consult your physician, or a certified or licensed professional in a particular discipline.  This is especially important if you are pregnant or have health issues.)