By now, if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love relationship and can’t find effective and knowledgeable counseling, you have probably figured out what we have…that the pathological love relationship is NOT widely understood.
Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends, and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as ‘codependent’ or ‘mutually addictive’ or merely ’emotional abuse.’ Women jump from counselor to counselor, and from one group counseling experience to another group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.
She looks for some understanding at ‘what’ is wrong with him. Giving him the label of ‘abuser’ doesn’t quite cover the extensive array of the brilliant psychopathic tendencies he possesses. Why did he target HER? Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time? Why do her symptoms resemble ‘mind control’ more than mere abused woman syndrome? Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakable than any other man? Is it abuse if he never physically harms her but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?
What we are finding out from our research with those who have been in pathological love relationships is that all of the usual dynamics in regular relationships, both functional and the occasional dysfunctional DON’T apply to pathological relationships. All of the usual dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON’T apply to the pathological relationship, either. No wonder women can’t find the help they need…it hasn’t been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON’T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers, and in other abusive situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse, nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters. Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other ‘typologies.’ And, their current symptoms don’t match the simply ‘dysfunctional-type’ love relationship.
Could it be that the dynamics in pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships? Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren’t helped by more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships? Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling? And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it? Why are these women’s personality traits so vastly different than shelter women, or abused women?
Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors ‘not-understanding-psychopathology,’ family ‘lumping-all-relationship-types-together,’ friends saying-‘just-get-over-it’ and counseling-programs ‘telling-her-she’s-just-codependent’. Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people ‘not getting it.’ Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships, because all relationships are not created equal – especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self-concept, and recovery deters a woman’s ability to heal. Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.
The Institute has developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs are specifically geared to ‘Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,’ our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40 plus products all developed to teach pathology and its related issues to others.
Why? Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident. Our mailing list asks the question week after week, ‘Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon…who can help…? Why don’t counselors understand this? Why can’t anyone explain to me what is going on? If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I’m going to scream!’ Why is this so hard to understand?
Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same phase of misunderstanding that other theories of counseling have encountered. When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders. Unfortunately, those who suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.
The Institute operates as a public education project on psychopathological issues, which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology. This includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships. Please bear with what entails, as an entirely new and emerging field of psychology is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this particular population of people. After all, until we began our research and writings, no one had even bothered to study the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types. No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories, and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships. So, to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.
At The Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to the needs of individuals. In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach:
Our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people
- The blogs we write for websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! help to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise
- Our books, CDs, DVDs are international
- Expanded retreat format, and private1:1’s with Sandra
- Telephone coaching has doubled in size
- Weekly teleconferencing support groups
- Therapist Training Programs
All are born out of our desire to reach YOU! As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the needs presented. That’s because we recognize that the services available out there are slim. We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the needs that exist—but an ever needed drop to a thirsty population. So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services, many women will go untreated.
I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist. Please remain hopeful that along with The Institute there are other therapists and agencies that hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you recover. We too, are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach. If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please let us know your thoughts.
In the meantime, if our coaching programs can be of assistance please use them. Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings. If you are a survivor, we would love for you to bring healing to yourself through our phone coaching, support groups, or retreats (February & March 2012). The fact is, the more we learn, the more we can teach. But we can only do so much. One agency like ours can’t heal the world. But we can teach what we know and assist in healing those who come for help, which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained, (January 26-30, 2012 training in Hilton Head Island, SC!) Don’t lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological. Remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we are growing as fast as we can!
Watch with us vigilantly, as we see this new field of psychology emerge and expand! Please let 2012 be the year of healing for you. We’ve worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward.
Much healing to you in 2012!
