By Sandra L. Brown, MA
Women who end up in dangerous and pathological relationships often end up there because they like (or find interesting) “living on the edge.” They don’t like their boring lives, and that extends to liking men who are edgy as well.
No boring normal geek men—Nope! The more the edge/bad boy/outlaw/rebel (or the more you perceive they need some support to keep an honest life afloat) the more you like them.
This “edge-walking” landed you right in the lap of a dangerous and pathological man. In the beginning, edgy seems neutral—it’s too early to know that his edginess is going to cost you. All you know is he’s a long way from boring and that’s okay with you. It is long time before you know that his “edge”:
- Is emotionally addicting for you
- Is narcissism (or worse!)
- Is about rejecting authority
- Is all about him
- Isn’t the cool “James Dean” type of edge
- Isn’t artsy, educational, intellectual, musical, poetic or religious
- Isn’t about riding fast in his convertible, or having daring sex or making risky financial investments
- Isn’t about you or your own enjoyment of everything edgy
- Isn’t about his party lifestyle or his commanding presence when others are around
- Isn’t about sad stories he told about his life to use as emotional bonding with you
And it’s a long time before you realize his “edge”:
- Consumes your self-esteem for lunch
- Doesn’t make YOU cool for being with him
- Doesn’t mean you are an “in” girl to love someone like him
- Didn’t mean you were supposed to “tame” a bad boy or “heal” a wounded one
- Can’t be fixed, counseled, medicated, or churched
- Can’t be loved into something less savage and more soothing
- Was really just a trail of wounded women behind him
- Was unrelenting lying, broken promises, and changes he could never make, no matter how long he promised or how hard he tried
- Was not really brilliance unrecognized, charm unspoiled, or love unrequited
- Was one thing … and one thing only …
His edge was pathology.
(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)
