Last week I wrote about this natural ability that pathologicals have when it comes to reading human behavior and about how the child’s emotional developmental deficits actually spur him toward compensation in these areas by trying to hide his lack of a full emotional spectrum, lack of insight, and lack of ability to sustain emotional and behavioral changes. He learns to compensate by studying human behavior and ‘mimicking and parroting’ when he wants to fit in. But what about when he DOESN’T want to fit in, or when he becomes an adult?

Erik Erikson studied human development and his theory is that there are ‘emotional tasks’ that must occur before the next leap of growth can occur. These are building blocks of the emotional structure of development.

The first task as a baby is to bond. After that come the tasks, in this order, that must occur to be a healthy and normal person:

• Trust builds on bonding
• Autonomy (or independence) builds on trust
• Initiative (or leadership) builds on autonomy
  Industry (or pride in one’s accomplishments) builds on initiative
• Identity builds on industry, etc.

There are more developmental aspects all the way through old age. But these give us something to look at—all the aspects of emotional development that must occur (and did not occur somewhere along the way) for the pathological—Bonding, Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry, Identity. When these building blocks of character were being laid (and mislaid), holes in the soul developed around those building blocks that were not laid.

Instead of learning trust, they learn to con other people’s trust and yet mistrust everyone. Instead of learning independence they are either horribly dependent and parasitic, or aloof and not the least bit interdependent within relationships. Instead of initiative (or leadership), they feel either inadequate or superior and con others, and the only place they lead others is astray. Instead of industry and finding meaning and pride in their accomplishments, they see their accomplishments as being highly connected to the ability to superbly manipulate and con others. Their pride about their abilities is more related to the ability to manipulate than it is to any other abilities they may have.

Instead of a healthy self-identity, their identity is highly connected now to their choices. Since many of them are delinquent and deviant, their identity is not connected with something positive but, rather, with their darkest character flaws.

All of these developmental tasks that should be completed—bonding, trust, independence, initiative, industry, and identity—are the building blocks established by the teen years. We can easily see how and why their adult years are filled with problems and anguishing relationships. If you don’t bond, trust, have interdependent relationships, your idea of accomplishment is conning, and your identity is linked to your bad character—THERE ISN’T MUCH TO WORK WITH!

Pathologicals have difficult adulthoods AND they make everyone else’s adulthoods difficult too. The child prodigy studying what works with humans is largely squeezed down to ‘WIIFM’ (What’s In It For Me). Studying others to fit in gets replaced by the adult skills of conning, manipulation, lying, embezzlement, and other ‘honed arts’. By the time the emotional development of the teen years have hit, the bonding, trust, interdependence, accomplishments and identity are long tweaked into pathological dynamics. Oddly, the personality ‘age’ stops growing. Rarely do pathologicals emotionally grow to be older than 14 but the behaviors get tweaked up a notch to adult skills of adept conning.

What was once a science project of “Why am I different” as a child becomes “Cool, I’ll use it against them” as an adult. The child prodigy who studied human behavior so well is the relationship idiot-savant. It just takes women a while to figure out that what he espouses in the beginning isn’t really what he’s all about. What didn’t happen in his emotional development will ruin their relationship and her, personally.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

People often want to know why people with personality disorders (pathology) often have the worst and most inappropriate behavior, indicating they are clueless about others’ feelings, AND YET they are often enabled with the uncanny ability to so know human behavior they con even the most knowledgeable of people.

This ‘savant-like’ experience with human behavior reminds me of the Scripture that says, “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.” Cluster B Personality Disorders no doubt rack up their miles in huge emotional and behavioral deficits. (The Lord taketh away.) I’ve discussed this in length in the newsletter and books—that what causes a personality disorder has to do with what DOESN’T happen when the personality is forming from birth through 8 years of age.

Deficits = Disorders

Not getting what a child needs WHEN they need it can be the beginning of a personality disorder. Normal childhood development does not include severe neglect, being raised by a pathological and learning to see the world through the eyes of a narcissist or sociopath, or being abused.

Whatever the cause of the personality disorder (exposed to pathological parents or being born with neurological abnormalities), let’s consider the ‘budding pathological child’ for a moment. Let’s put out of our mind just for now the disordered adult he grows into. Here we have, let’s say, a 9- or 10-year-old child who, through no fault of his own, has a personality disorder.  That means that the child does not have the full spectrum of human emotion, has blunted feelings of love/compassion/guilt/remorse, has impulse control problems, has difficulty knowing right from wrong, is not motivated by punishment when he does wrong, and is tantalized by risk and reward.

His friend across the street is the same age and not personality disordered. His friend has a full spectrum of emotions, feels bonded, love, compassion, is motivated by punishment (and so feels guilt and remorse), has impulse control over many of his actions, and understands the basic concepts of right and wrong. Although he likes risk and reward, he has enough impulse control not to be led consistently by pleasure.

One day Pathology Pete is over at Normal Ned’s. While playing in the house the boys knock over a vase and break it. Ned knows the story behind the vase: It’s the only
thing his mother has left from her mother. His mother got it as a gift on the deathbed of her mother. She always prized it and felt her mother’s presence when she looked at it.  Ned’s mother begins to cry and Ned has empathetic feelings that his mother is sad and experiencing loss because of the broken vase. Ned goes to her and tries to comfort her while Pete looks on.

Pete has NO idea (a) why Ned feels bad that the vase was broken (so what, go get another one), (b) why Ned would go to his mother and hug her and pat her (why does she need that?), (c) why Ned offers to replace the vase, and (d) why it was even wrong to be playing with a ball by the vase in the first place.

Pete stands off to the side watching this ‘unusual’ reaction and interaction between Ned and his mother.  In comes Ned’s brother, Normal Nathan. He sees his mother crying and also goes to her to comfort her. Pete wonders, “Why? He didn’t even break the vase.”

Pete stands awkwardly off to the side watching what is like a sci-fi movie to him—all these feelings, actions, behaviors, and motivations he doesn’t understand. Over and over throughout his childhood and into his adolescence this incident is repeated again and again.

Pete witnesses people having feelings he doesn’t experience. They have emotional reactions that he doesn’t understand. They have reactions, behaviors, and motivations that are foreign to him. Pete’s bright—he is a smart child and can’t figure out why he doesn’t ‘know’ what other kids know—how to act, how not to act, how to feel certain emotions and when and why. A pathological child figures out early that they are ‘different’—they just don’t know why.

Having a need to appear normal and fitting in like everyone else does—he watches. When someone cries, this is what other people do in response to the crying ___________ (behavior). The person who made the other one cry has a facial expression like this ___________ (“I’m sorry” look). People appear to cry for these reasons: _____________________ (motivations/consequences).

Children who grow to be pathological are little psychologists by the time they are teens. They have so watched other people that they understand (on a manipulative level) what makes people hurt and how to get out of consequences for having hurt others. These little child prodigies who have studied human behavior since they were 5 or 6 years old, are emotional savants.

On one hand, they do NOT have the full spectrum of emotions and so are sort of emotionally retarded towards the experience of others. On the other hand, they are so bright and have honed in on studying others so well that they have learned how to develop a mask for any occasion. This is the Lord giveth part—they have such a knack for paying attention to others’ reactions that they learn to mimic other people’s facial gestures and behaviors and parrot the language and lingo of what others say.

This is why they are a mirror image of you in a relationship. They watch and listen and mimic and parrot back all you say and do. This is why they feel like a soul mate—because you are essentially looking at a mask of yourself.

These skills are then polished over years of use¬—using them on his mother, sister, Sunday school teacher, girls at school, bosses… anywhere he can tweak the manipulation and look normal enough to fit in.

What began as a simple adaptation in childhood—learning to understand how normal people relate and behave—turns into manipulation later. At some point, the child/teen must come to the conclusion that he DOESN’T have these feelings, limits, boundaries, and experiences. “What the hell… just gotta go with it” is his normal reaction.

The adaptation is no longer simply to understand normal people and compare and contrast them to his own experiences. It is now a survival behavior that helps him to get what he wants since his deficits will now give him the skills that others have to get the same thing legitimately.

Pathology Pete simply produces more masks—one for every emotion he doesn’t sincerely have.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Last week we began talking about the ongoing battles with pathologicals—whether it is a break up, move out, divorce, property settlement, mediation, child custody, or the ever-revolving door of litigious events with law enforcement or the legal system. By nature of the pathology, they are MORE likely to allege falsified abuse, stalk the other parent, sue, continue to sue, not settle, to refuse mediation services, to go to court over things like “his shoes are dirty, therefore this is parental neglect,” to reject every child evaluator, reject every child therapist, reject every child pediatrician, reject every child’s school choice and on and on.

They gaslight situations suggesting things have happened that didn’t, nor can they be proven that they DID or DID NOT happen. (Classic gaslighting is associated with NPDs, ASPDs, socio/psychopaths.) After exchange antics, they are MORE likely to need court monitored visits which means ‘a babysitter’ is required to watch their behavior, yet they will reject every monitor chosen, every center selected, or will find centers that are the farthest away in the most dangerous areas to ask the other parent to bring the child to.

They also do not follow through on child support payments, medical needs the children may have, do not pay their share of attorney and court fees, etc. They use up enormous amount of legal resources which have given them their own title within the legal system – ‘High Conflict Person’. Eventually this becomes a ‘High Conflict Case’ for you and for them.

A ‘typical’ legal scenario (provided by Bill Eddy www.billeddy.com) is:

A Petition is filed, and then there are countless emergency court hearings, restraining orders, restricted visitation, and/or residence exclusion, many filing for temporary hearings on custody, visitation, child support, and spousal support. Then there is the unending filing for many declarations for hearing, getting an evaluator appointed, preparing documentation for evaluators/court (often done multiple times), serving numerous subpoenas, taking lists and lists of depositions, going thru the demand for documentations, attending multiple temporary hearings.

Now they have received the trial only to have delays that can go on for years, disputes over evaluators’ reports and other unending other objections. Then begins the continuous disputes over trial court orders, motions for reconsideration, etc. Sprinkled throughout are the constant allegations to child services of abuse and neglect, the rallying of others to support the allegations, and the utter exhaustion of the child services departments with the constant threats of suing them, etc. Once/if after all these enormous amounts of time, money, energy is expended and the divorce is granted, there is still the ongoing post divorce hearings with the constant modification requests, custody battles, alleging new relationships which are bad for the children, and failed relationships with others bringing in new conflicts, drama and trauma.

It’s easy to see that this kind of behavior is what is shutting down our court systems and why it’s hard to get simple things done. Ninety percent of the problems are being produced by a small percentage of the people who have the largest percentage of mental health and pathology disorders. In fact, it is cases like THESE that indicate to professionals working on these cases that there is, in fact, pathology present. They have already been named ‘High Conflict Persons’ to help identify the partner who is likely to keep producing litigious insanity. It has taken a while for all the professional systems involved in cases like these to come to understand what behavior like this IS attached to – chronic and unrelenting pathology.

For many years euphemisms have been used for these people – “difficult cases”, “pain in the butt cases”, “problematic”, etc. Instead of understanding these ARE the behaviors associated with pathological conditions and pathology is simply being what it is—in the relationship, in the parenting, and in the courts. It holds its mask in place for a while but the mask always slips allowing other professionals to identify the behaviors and recognize the pathology. This is the unification of how Public Pathology Awareness is beginning to allow systems involved with pathologicals to more easily identify them by their universal and consistent behaviors, in and out of court.

One of the Institute’s goals is to bring training about these consistent and universal behaviors to therapists, coaches, the legal system, child evaluators, monitors, child therapists, Minor’s Counsel, and social service workers. ‘Why’ high conflict persons act this way has everything to do with the disorder itself.

When we understand pathology and its neuro-implications, we can not only know what behaviors go with which disorders but why. We can learn to predict the kinds of known behaviors and antics that go with pathological disorders– in child rearing, in court proceedings, and in relationship endings. Those behaviors include imperative impulsivity, loophole lying, game playing, gaslighting, reliable revenge, the prevalent projecting, and legendary legal litany of cases. Normal people don’t do this in court, in relationships, or in life. It is the glaring opposites that almost always give us the best indicator that what is happening is not what other people do, behave, or believe. So, ours shouldn’t be to ask ‘why’ pathologicals do this. It’s to say ‘why not?’ After all, that’s how they are wired.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

Many of the Institute’s clients want to know ‘when will this ever end?’ — ‘this’ being the aggravation from a pathological in the form of:
•    Constantly harassing you
•    Stalking
•    Stirring the pot
•    Making up allegations against you
•    Not paying what they are suppose to
•    Going back to court for the 1,000th time
•    Turning others against you
•    Turning you in to Social Services for child abuse
•    Lying to the judge
•    Paying others off to lie for him in court
•    Gaslighting you or others
•    Making others dread him, you, or your situation

The truth is, this IS what pathology does. If court evaluators, child monitors, judges, attorneys, batterer intervention counselors, anger management therapists—all those working in the field— knew that this IS what pathology does, it would heighten everyone’s awareness about pathology. Instead, euphemisms are used for this kind of behavior:
•    Drama cases
•    Trauma cases
•    Dead beat dads
•    High conflict divorces
•    Jerks
•    Snakes in Suits
•    Con artists
•    Custody Battles
•    No resolution cases

Behaviors related to making allegations, lying in court, hiring others to lie, hiring others to stalk or spy on you, putting spyware in your house/car/computer, and harassing social services/child services workers eat up an enormous amount of court hours and are all behaviors ASSOCIATED with pathology—not drama, not trauma, not dead beats, not conflict, not jerks, not snakes and not cons, but Cluster B personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Anti-Social and the other Low/No Conscience disorders such as Socio/Psychopaths.

We are continually flooded with inquiries about ‘how to’ survive until ‘this all stops’. Women aren’t finding help with ‘how to’ survive, ‘how to’ appropriately communicate with him to have the least ‘aftermath,’ what to do when he alleges things to child services, judges, and courts, how to document well for court now and in the future, what dissuades them, how to angle the situation so he exposes his true self/disorder/motives, how to take care of herself until some of this slows down, stops, or a miracle occurs.

Pathology is exhausting. This isn’t something ‘unique’ to your case. It’s standard in cases with pathologicals. You didn’t cause it — it’s the disorder just being what it is. Too, some of the things that are done in ‘normal’ cases aren’t in the best interest of your case simply because using what ‘works’ with normal people, NEVER works in pathology.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

Many women are now familiar with the word ‘narcissism,’ but not always totally aware of the specifics of the disorder. The word ‘narcissism’ is tossed around a lot as a catch-all phrase for people who are conceited or aloof. But narcissism is more than a case of conceit. It is a pathological and incurable disorder. Narcissism is a brutal way for women to learn about dangerous and destructive men. By the time a woman realizes a man is narcissistic, she has been pounded into the emotional dirt.

Many women find fascination with men who seem self-assured, but this is merely the mask of narcissism, which hides an emotionally undeveloped little boy seeking the attention NOW that he didn’t get as a child.

But all the attention he has sucked out of women never fills the broken vessel of his soul. All the attention never stays in him. It spills out only for him to seek MORE and MORE from anyone that he can get it from. Dr. Sam Vaknin refers to this as the ‘narcissistic supply’—the need for a constant stream of affirmations, attention, and admiration from a constant supply of givers. Narcissists are rarely happy with only one stream of attention. They seek it from friends, strangers, co-workers, family, and anyone else they can tap into, which is also why narcissists are rarely faithful—all this attention-seeking leads to more focused admiration via sexual contact.

The major description that women give of the relationship with a narcissist is he is ‘confusing and exhausting.’ Women come out of the relationship dragging the shell of their former selves. That’s all that’s left when he is done with her. A narcissist’s path is always littered with the emotional skeletons of a multitude of women and children.

So, ARE YOU with a narcissist? You might as well know now. Take the quiz below based on your knowledge of him. (Thanks to Nina Brown and “Is Your Partner a Narcissist?” from Loving The Self- Absorbed.)

__ He constantly looks to you to meet his needs

__ He expects you to know what HE expects, desires and needs without having to ask

__ He gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or blaming

__ He expects you to put his needs before your own

__ He seeks attention in indirect ways

__ He expects you to openly admire him

__ He acts childish, sulks or pouts

__ He accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without cause

__ He finds fault with your friends

__ He becomes angry when challenged or confronted

__ He does not seem to recognize your feelings

__ He uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you

__ He is controlling

__ He lies, distorts, and misleads

__ He is competitive and uses any means to get what is wanted

__ He has a superior attitude

__ He is contemptuous of you and others

__ He is arrogant

__ He is envious of others

__ He demeans and devalues you

__ He is self-centered and self-absorbed

__ He has to be the center of attention

__ He is impulsive and reckless

__ He boasts and brags

__ He is insensitive to your needs

__ He makes fun of others’ mistakes or faults

__ He engages in seductive behavior

__ He is vengeful

__ He expects favors but does not return them

If your answers are mostly 4s and 5s, you are involved with a narcissist.

People who have been raised with pathological parents go on to select pathological men for partners. Dating/marrying a narcissist falls into that category. Since narcissists do not change, because narcissism is a permanent embedded personality disorder, the question to you becomes, “How much longer will you stay with someone who can’t ever be healthy?”

Have you told yourself any of the following?

• I am in a relationship and feel he is more important than I am.
• I often feel like a failure in this relationship and blame myself for the condition of the relationship and how he treats me.
• I tell myself, “If I just try harder things will be fine.”
• I wonder what happened to the charming person I was involved with and why he is so different now.
• I feel numb and exhausted by his constant demands and the strain in the relationship.
• I keep hoping ‘someday’ things will get better.
• I have an overwhelming sense of guilt much of the time.
• I always tell myself I am responsible for things going wrong (and he agrees).
• I have given up time, ambition, interests, family/friends and my life for him.

(Thanks to Mary Jo Fay from, When Your “Perfect Partner” Goes Perfectly Wrong: A Survivor’s Guide to Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life.)

These are examples of the effects of being with a narcissist. Over time, these effects increase until your self-esteem is so low you no longer even attempt an exit. Life with a narcissist costs you everything. It already has, and it will in your future as well.

In order for you to heal, both from abusive, addicted, and/or pathological parenting AND from your relationship with dangerous men, you must exit so you can work on yourself and your own recovery. No one heals or grows in a relationship with a narcissist. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave, because you have stopped growing and hoping for emotional well-being for yourself.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

• run a meditative labyrinth?
• bounce their leg while sitting in a meditation class?
• practice mindfulness while twirling their hair or cracking their knuckles?
• blowing bubbles with bubble gum while in yoga?

Self-regulation will not happen until you slow how you move in the world. Then you may find meditation, mindfulness and yoga more do-able.

In one of our recent retreats, one of the attendees stated she was seeing a therapist who was coming to understand PLRs (Pathological Love Relationships). While they did not have the complete gist of it, the very wise therapist noticed her poor overall condition.

The therapist assigned homework to her for the next 30 days in which she was to work on nothing else therapeutically except:

• Light exercise daily–yoga, stretching, or a walk, 3 times a day consisting of at least 20 mins each.
• The development of a sleep routine–in bed the same time (early) every night with relaxing rituals before bed.
• Eating healthy food she prepared herself (stay away from the drive-thru and boxed pre-packaged food).
• Do no further harm–stop talking about it to others, stop reading about it, etc.

She had begun these practices a few weeks before the retreat and was noticeably the person in the best emotional condition.

She was up early before retreat taking a walk and sitting in nature.

Between group sessions, she was lying down.

She was the first in bed each night, and ate healthy food choices where others were eating candy and gulping coffee and soda between group sessions.

Self-care presents itself to the therapist as someone who is already on the path to recovery with good groundwork from which the therapist can build.

Ever wonder how to manage the autonomic adrenaline that is part of the trauma and aftermath? It’s autonomic which means automatic. Anytime we begin to hurry or feel stress, the hair-trigger releases adrenaline so we feel more hurried and more stressed and it releases cortisol that goes right to your belly and produces belly fat.

Your day can begin with all the triggers of hurrying to get out the door setting off the adrenaline that is likely to stay for hours or all day. The mood of your morning can influence the pace and reactivity of your day.

At our retreats, we practice quiet and gentle mornings. The women are to get up earlier so they have leisure in their morning and aren’t starting the day rushing and producing adrenaline. They have quiet (non-talking) breakfasts and allow their bodies to see what it feels like to not be hyper-vigilant.

Yes, I realize it is hard if you have kids. But you can still give your body the best chance of not starting off wrong by getting up early before anyone else. Take that opportunity to move slowly through a quiet house without the Calgon-commercial kind of beginning (remember the slogan “Calgon, take me away”?)

I get up before everyone else. I do not turn on all the lights which spawns hyperreactivity. Instead, I leave a low light on before I go to bed – like the range hood or a small lamp on a low setting. As soon as I get up, I light a pine scented candle to give off a nice relaxing scent. I read some gentle motivational or spiritual thoughts.

I go outside and experience the early morning for a few minutes (usually pre-dawn). I make my coffee and SIT with it, not gulping it on the run while trying to find my shoes.

I normally put on some relaxing instrumental music (no words!) and I make sure however I am moving, I am moving slowly and not rushing. (Your brain will increase in activity equal to your body activity–move fast, fast anxious brain).

I eat while not reading, or checking email or social media so as to not read something that starts my reactivity. Only when I consider my ‘work’ day starting do I engage in those kinds of activities.

Whatever I need for the day, I take care of the night before (take a shower, gather together work papers, prepare lunches, etc.) so my morning is gentle.

I use the low light, outdoors and nature, and pine scent as my mindfulness indoctrination. If I get in the car, the music is off and I continue with quiet until I have to engage.

Never start the day with the news, bright lights, rushing or too much noise. Ease gently into the morn…

Who wants to try it?

Recovery doesn’t start until you are engaged in daily self-care. In the beautiful model of the 12-step tradition, those recovering aren’t at step 12, helping others through the hope they found, when they haven’t even stopped drinking or completed step 1.

You aren’t ‘in recovery’ even if you are seeing a therapist, or in our Living Recovery online course, or have read all the books and are telling others about PLRs (Pathological Love Relationships). That isn’t recovery. Recovery is action.

You are engaged in recovery when you are putting your recovery needs first, each day. When you have a recovery program or agenda that is worked, covering the basics of self-care. It is hard to be a true mouth-piece about pathology education when you can’t get out of bed, are still having regular (non-custody) contact, or are dialing friends on the hour going into the latest du jour antics of the pathological.

Recovery begins with a consistent duty to self-care. A recovery day, even though you may have a job, is still focused on caring enough for yourself that it is aiding your recovery on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level. What must be your first priority is what you need to get through the day in order to operate at the highest level you can. And that comes from having a plan, and working the plan. It may not include partying with friends, spending hours on social media, lying in bed depressed, haunting the dating sites, or gorging yourself on Ben & Jerry’s.

Physical

Guess what? You have a stress disorder and the more you do nothing about it the more it continues to manifest in your physical health and your emotions. Perhaps you have developed an autoimmune disorder or have sky-rocketing anxiety. Maybe you are Sleepless in Sarasota or Wired in Wichita. Maybe you have turned into Junk Food Jenny or Red Bull Rita. Maybe you own stock now in Blue Belle Ice Cream. That isn’t recovery. That’s relapse.

Recovery is recognizing you have a stress disorder and doing what you can to:

• Manage stress well through good nutrition and supplements,
• Get enough exercise to burn off the adrenaline,
• Get enough nature time or use relaxation techniques to calm the adrenaline,
• Figure out what your triggers are and avoid them,
• Get enough sleep, even though it’s hard to acquire.

That would mean when you got home from work, instead of heading to your favorite social media to rant about his new girlfriend, you instead attended a yoga session or went for a run, and cooked a healthy dinner, followed by soaking in a tub and listening to some motivational You Tubes or reading a spiritual book. Then you sipped some Sleepy Time Tea and took some relaxing herbs and put on your softest jammies. Maybe you washed your sheets and sprayed them with lavender, and still, without peeking at social media, you went to bed at a respectable time.

That’s putting your physical needs first because without your body being healthy, you can’t recover. Period. So, you avoid social media to see what he’s doing, or you block him, or you do something you know calms you. And you do it, not when you are wracked with anxiety and Desperate in Des Moines, but every day so you aren’t desperate. It’s first, not when it’s convenient.

Emotional

Guess what? You have cognitive dissonance. It causes an internal conflict anytime you compare reality -vs- your hopes/dreams/or how things used to be. And it gets triggered any time you make a diet of cooperating with the flashbacks, discussing ad nauseum the details of Darkness when you keep reading stories of other survivor’s Cluster B relationships. Then it sets off adrenaline and you start having physical symptoms like anxiety.

Recovery is taking the time to catalog triggers as you come to notice them, then making plans to manage or avoid them. Recovery is not only understanding what the triggers are but the ACTION in not doing what triggers you.

• Creating a mantra for when family/friends repeatedly ask you about him and how to answer it without going into the story.
• Finding techniques (like LRP) that teach you how to manage the triggers.
• Stop trigger-seeking on other sites, social media, drive-bys of his house, or on social media.
• Do something for your depression like get out of bed and exercise even when you don’t feel like it (you will not feel like it in the beginning!)
• By finding a sense of community somewhere other than in Trigger Land.
• Find a therapist who can teach you techniques and practice them EVERY DAY.
• Find out what calms you and use it repeatedly during the day, EVERY DAY, and as prevention before you are triggered.
• Every day is a day to intervene on old patterns of out-of-control emotional responses.
• Recovery seeks joy, not in food, drugs, or alcohol but in what pleases the soul and seeks it.

Spiritual

Guess what? Your spirituality has been impacted by evil. No matter your religion or beliefs, evil has inserted itself as a current reality that has been crushing to your hope or even belief that the world can operate as before without the harm of Darkness.

• No one heals without hope. Hope is generated when your emotions and behavior change DESPITE Darkness.
• Spirituality believes in a Higher Power beyond oneself that can bring balance to the hopelessness.
• We heal in a community, we are harmed in isolation so hope is generated as we connect to others, with boundaries, who have a recovery in which we can see hope.
• Spirituality sees oneself no longer as a victim but as a survivor and eventually as a thriver. It believes that, even though today is hard, tomorrow can be better. It takes physical and emotional steps to make tomorrow better.
• Spiritual recovery lives out hope in its actions. It finds solace in words of comfort from whatever religion and belief system you hold. It feeds itself daily because hope heals.

As we can see, recovery is a structure, lived daily at FIRST, sometimes minute by minute. It is not a Disaster Relief action. It is lived out daily through a structure that prevents disaster. It puts you first. Recovery first. Not an after-thought but a deliberate, consistent, ACTION that anticipates needs, puts attention (like the oxygen mask) on oneself before anyone else. It is planned into one’s day. And it’s the primary importance of that day – to BUILD a recovery by the actions and self-care taken in a 24-hour period.

There is no recovery until self-care is first, foremost, and consistent. There is nothing that should be ahead of this. You should be taking your internal temperature multiple times a day and adjusting your day to accommodate your needs.

Then, and only then, have you entered recovery.

Is it any wonder that so many religions or cultures celebrate the ‘Light’?

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwansaa and Hindu Diwali – all Holiday celebrations of Light. Whether it is Christ as the Light of the world, the miracle of the lighted lamp in Hanukkah, the seven candles of the principles of Kwansaa, or the celebration of good triumphing evil in the festival of Light in Diwali—there is something about Light that illuminates our path. (Yes, we’re past the Holiday season, but bear with me here…)

Cultures too – Sweden, with St. Lucia Day following the longest day of the year, is lit ablaze in candles, St. Marten’s Day in Holland with lighted lanterns, and Loi Krathlong in Thailand with wishes tied to candles and set afloat in the sea. The issue of Light as a deep metaphor for guidance seems to be universal.

Any particular religion does not have a corner on Light, yet all believe they do. It is clear that despite each religious belief, there are other beliefs that see Light as applicable to theirs. And so the issue of Light is universal as it represents that which is ablaze with humanity and hope.

Not long ago, an Institute team member passed away. She was a pagan and I am a Christian. She asked me “Why are you friends with me? I am pagan, you Christian.” I asked her, ‘Why are you friends with me? I am Christian, you pagan.” And she would roar with laughter at what she thought was ironic, although I did not.

In her all-too-short life, she used her stealth computer skills to locate pedophiles online and turn them in to the FBI. Her life was often threatened in that line of work. She used her feminism to help rescue women from domestic violence and sex trafficking. She used her compassion to house the homeless and emotionally burdened who could not find housing. And in her last years, she used her big heart to drive cross country transporting animals to no kill facilities—for free.

The purpose of Light is to clear the darkness. Most of the time, that darkness is metaphoric. We bring what we care about to the task. We light the way for others to find the lighted path out of homelessness, addiction, sex trafficking, or lives stuck in puppy mills and dog fighting. We bring what we have—our own empathy and humanity—to help the abused, teach the illiterate to read, or comfort the dying. We are the hands and feet of Light. Not a metaphoric Light but a literal one. What illuminates someone’s darkness is the breath of humanity, eye ball to eye ball, caring, reaching out, and touching. We don’t bring a literal candle to feed the homeless, we are the candle.

Being the candle makes us a Light Bearer—lighting the path for someone who is searching, expelling the darkness. No wonder God proclaimed ‘Let there be Light’! It was His call to every person to be Light to expel darkness.

I wrote my friend’s eulogy in which I declared her a Light Bearer—to the victims of pedophiles, to the victims of domestic violence, to the victims of sex trafficking, to victims of homelessness and emotional woundedness, and to the furry victims. She used her Light to expel darkness, to illuminate the way out for countless. My eulogy was encountered by various religious as ‘nice’ but it did not meet the criteria of their religion of ‘The Light’ who then attempted to discount the lives that were saved because her light was perceived to not be their light.

She answered the call when God said “Let there be Light” and she said “I will be it!” and she was.

The universal call to be Light Bearers is applied to each us. It is not just Jews or Hindus called to bring their celebrations of Light to the world, but all of us. And if my celebration of Light is different than yours, so be it. Just be it!

As we round out another year, I hope you are finding that your own recovery is a form of Light—a path out of darkness that has been illuminated by what you have dedicated yourself to—recovery. Strong recovery always produces the next generation of Light Bearers—in your own traditions and beliefs that dispel someone else’s darkness just by giving what you have—the strength of your recovery. You might think “I am still so broken” but what has grown in you through recovery is more than the person you encounter may have. The knowledge of your experience is a Light. The books you read, the videos you watch, the websites you know—all Light.

Each of us is a Light Bearer and can be the very thing that dispels the darkness for another. Before you discount how far you have come, it is not yours to redirect the proclamation of ‘Let there be Light’!

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.
(I know you are singing it….)

I’m gonna take this light around the world and I’m gonna let it shine.
I’m gonna take this light around the world and I’m gonna let it shine.
I’m gonna take this light around the world and I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I won’t let anyone blow it out, I’m gonna let it shine.
I won’t let anyone blow it out, I’m gonna let it shine.
I won’t let anyone blow it out, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Songwriters: SCOTT, STEPHEN H. / DP,

Go light someone’s path in the coming year, starting with your own!

One of the most frequently asked questions in pathological relationship coaching is “Did I make the person behave like this?” The clients often believe they bring out ‘the worst in him’ or so the pathological wants them to believe. The pathological likes to label his own acting out or cheating or other inappropriate behavior as someone else’s fault. This is called projecting. One of the characteristics of a number of permanent personality disorders is the trait that they don’t take responsibility for their own behavior. They have a victim mentality and blame others and the world for their short comings and ultimately, their bad behavior. Normal people ‘own’ their own behavior; pathological people project it onto others.

By the time the client comes to coaching from the aftermath of effects from the relationship, they believe the relationship, its problems and its demise were all her fault. She believes the pathological’s propaganda and has a lot of remorse, guilt, and self depreciating thoughts about herself that ‘if she only acted differently then so would he’ and the relationship would be on better footing.

Let me ask you this….”If he had a brain tumor would you feel responsible that his body produced a brain tumor? Would that be your responsibility?”  I doubt it. People do feel bad that someone else got a brain tumor but they don’t feel ‘responsible’ or ‘to blame’ because someone got a brain tumor.

The often shocking aspects of Cluster B personality disorders are that what is driving their behavior is not a brain tumor but it is a brain disorder—in many, many forms. We expect that a brain disorder would be ‘noticeable’ to others. It is–in time. By the time the relationship ends, you DO know that there are behavior problems you just don’t know how, why or where they are generated.  Cluster B personality disorders carry with them an astounding array of problems stemming from the brain and their own neurology that are driving their impulsive, out of control behavior and distorted thinking processes.

Even a decade ago, we didn’t have the information we have today about the wide reaching neuro problems associated with pathology and personality disorders. While for many years we may have ‘suspected’ a very physical reason for the behavior–the pathological lying, spending, cheating, violence, addiction, and other behavioral problems, we didn’t have the concrete knowledge that is now generated from neuroscience, neurobiology, brain imaging, and other brain studies.

Here is a tiny snippet of the kinds of information being generated about brain dysfunction in personality disorders. This in no way covers all of it–but it gives us some place to begin looking at it as being as much a medical brain syndrome as it is a psychological syndrome.

• Genomics–molecular building blocks of DNA affected by pathology.
• Proteomics–location, interactions, structure, and proteins affected by pathology.
• Neurotransmitters affected.
• Hippocampus–part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology.
• Amygdala–part of the brain that is related to impulsivity affected by pathology.
• Neuroinformatics -A library data base about thousands of different brains and what is unusual about them including pathological brains.
• Cellular signaling show involvement of genetics in pathology.
• Low levels of brain enzymes are related to violence.
• Genes on certain chromosomes create schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. New research wants to find out if it contributes to pathology.
• Genetic vulnerability causes significant differences in neurological development in children with psychopathic tendencies.
• The number of copies of different genes has already been linked with a variety of medical conditions and the expectation is that these copy number variants will be very significant in personality disorder research.
• A complex array of varying genes underlies the many different outward manifestations of personality disorders which can be seen in early childhood despite a loving and stress free environment.
• Stressful/abusive environments can push a milder case of personality disorders into a full blown active personality disorder.
• Phenotype images the size and shapes of brain organs related to personality disorders.
• Serotonin reception 5-HT plays a role in controlling offensive aggression (or not!)
• The lack of transporter molecules predisposes people towards impulsivity, emotional instability, etc.
• Polygeny (a single trait that can affect many genes) seems to underlie personality disorders.
• Those who metabolize dopamine faster are at higher risks for anti social behavior.
• An enzyme that helps break down dopamine and serotonin are linked to impulsive and aggressive behavior, substance abuse, criminal behavior.
• MAO-A gene is linked to Cluster B personality disorders.
• Neural circuitry problems are related to trouble with reinforcement learning so they are not likely to learn from punishment, also related to impulse violence.
• TPH brain enzyme is related to behavioral problems associated with anti social behavior.
• MRI imaging shows that areas of the brain related to excitability respond differently in psychopaths.
• Certain words cause psychopaths to respond differently than normal people (blood, sewer, hell, rape, etc.)
• Some parts of the brain show higher activity in psychopaths, some areas lower activity in psychopaths.
• Weak limbic regions of the brain in psychopaths cause them to grapple with emotional language.
• Corpus callosum is different in psychopaths so they process information between brain hemispheres differently which effects interpersonal skills and low reactions to stress, high reactions to aggression and unregulated behavior.
• The amygdala in psychopaths have less reaction to fight-flight responses, causes them to feel restless, spurring them on to raising hell just for the excitement value.
• Slower neural reactions are related to their lack of fear which is also genetically based.
• Lack of fear throttles the development of the conscience.
• Orbito-frontal portion of the brain causes psychopaths to have trouble organizing their behavior, reduces their ability to control their impulses and the ability to learn from punishment.
• Difficulty with abstract meanings like the word ‘justice’ generated from right brain quadrant, also problems with nonverbal cues related to emotions.
• Dorso-lateral Prefrontal Cortex affects some personality disorders ability to think logically and rationally.
• The anterior cingulate cortex affects some personality disorders ability to focus on something they don’t wish to hear thus being able to block what they want to hear, it also produces (or doesn’t) the feelings of empathy.
• The limbic system which is affected in some personality disorders negatively influences their ability to regulate their emotions through emotional reasoning.
• The hippocampus is affected in some personality disorders which negatively impacts the emotional response system.
• Hyperactive amygdalae cause intense and slowly subsiding emotions when they suffer even just a minor irritation. This can cause an overreaction to a minor constructive criticism.
• Lowered serotonin levels in the brain affects increased impulsivity.
• Smaller size of right parietal lobe in some personality disorders.

Yeah, I know–that’s a lot of science to wade through but maybe you get the point…you didn’t break him and you can’t fix him. This fascinating decade of science has answered so many questions for so many—people who can let go of the guilt and fantasy that what’s wrong with him is merely ‘willful behavior’ or ‘a bad attitude’ or ‘needs more counseling.’  Personality disordered brains are different in their genetic make up, in their chemistry, their circuitry, regional brain development, their neurobiology and the list goes on. In fact, we are realizing so much of the brain is affected—in borderline personality disorder, in anti-social, in psychopathy–so much of Cluster B is traced now to significant brain impairment. (For more information read the book ‘Evil Genes’ available on our magazine).

For many years I have been teaching the Three Inabilities related to pathology: The inability to grow to any great emotional depth, the inability to consistently sustain positive change, and the inability to develop insight about how their behavior affects others. I developed these inabilities from 20 years in the field of providing services to the personality disordered. Although I suspected there was hard-wiring and hard science behind it, it wasn’t until recently that I was finally able to find out why the Three Inabilities are actually correct and why they don’t sustain positive change. It’s not because they want to screw with your head….it’s because of their head.

You didn’t produce anything–you’re not that influential to set up his genetic patterns.  Sorry–you’re not strong enough to ‘will’ his amygdala to change. Bad news here–you are not gonna ‘love’ his limbic region into correct functioning. ‘And hate to break the news that all the ‘Law of Attraction’ books aren’t gonna get his brain chemistry to be normal.

And you might as well cancel the relationship counseling because being tolerant it isn’t gonna change the size and function of various brain regions. If you stopped nagging or tried the relationship ‘just one more time’ it isn’t going to alter his brain enzymes and neurotransmitters.  Even Batterer Intervention groups aren’t gonna change his corpus callosum and make it less aggressive.

He doesn’t have a brain tumor that you are responsible for ‘giving him.’ He does have a brain disorder and you aren’t responsible for that either–how his brain did and did not form. In the medical world, we seem to accept some of the disorders much more easily like Cystic Fibrosis or Mental Retardation–of course, you can often tell by looking at the person that something is wrong. But even in pathology, that too becomes evident…in time but not through external medical conditions but through relationships. And while it is odd, where we DO find the symptoms of psycho-pathology related to brain dysfunction is right in the middle of your relationship.

From Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day people relapse and go back into relationships more than any other time of the year. Why? So many great holidays for faking it! Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day… then PHOOEY! You’re out! Why not be out now, stay out and save face? You’re not fooling anyone … not yourself, them, or your family and friends.

Here’s a secret: Even if you go back, you’re still alone. You’ve been alone the entire time because, by nature of their disorder, they can’t be there for you. So you’re alone—now, during the holidays, or with them. With them, you have more drama, damage and danger—your choice.

• The holiday season is an extremely stressful time. It’s a time when it is more likely for:

• Domestic violence to occur or recur

• Dysfunctional families to be even MORE dysfunctional

• Pathologicals to be overt, blatant, and to target your joy and ruin your holidays

• Former pathological partners to magically reappear and try to hook you back in

• People to eat, drink, and spend too much

• People to not get enough rest

• People to feel pressured to “be in a relationship” and accept dates or stay with dangerous persons “just until the holidays are over”

It’s an idealistic time when people have more depression and anxiety than at any other time of the year because they think their lives should be like the picture postcards and old movies we see this time of year. Depression creeps in, anxiety increases, and to cope, they eat/drink/spend/date in ways they normally would not. But you can’t make a “picture postcard memory” with a psychopath!

Those with the super trait of “sentimentality” will focus on the past when they had that one perfect Christmas with the pathological.  The other drunken, absent, or abusive 14 Christmases are forgotten, forgiven or overlooked. But what IS focused on is that one year when it was nice and the pit-bull stronghold on the hope it will be this way again.

But we know that pathology is permanent. The bad 14 years are a much better and more realistic presentation of what pathology is like during the holidays than the one fluke of a year he held it together. Pathology is very stressful to experience under any circumstances. Add to it the expectations for a pathological to be different (i.e., act appropriately) this time of year, and the pathological’s and everyone else’s stress is then through the roof. Sometimes even our hope can be “pathological” when it is focused on something that cannot and will not change.

The glittering fantasy that resembles your Christmas tree lights places not only you in the path of misery, but all those you plan to spend Christmas with—your family, friends, kids and pets.  It is much kinder to unplug your glittering fantasy and tell yourself the truth of what will happen if you expect a serene and joyful time with a pathological than it is to drag others through your fantasy.

Here’s a mantra to say out loud to yourself: “I’m pretending that staying/going back with a psychopath will make my holidays better.”  Pretty ridiculous thought, isn’t it? Something happens when you say the REAL thing out loud. It takes all the romanticizing and fantasy out of the thought and smacks a little reality in your face.

“I want to be with a psychopath for the holiday.”  Say that three times to yourself out loud …  NO!! That’s not what you want. That’s what you got LAST YEAR. You want to be with a nice man/woman/person for the holidays. And, as you VERY well know, they’re not it.

“I want to share my special holidays with my special psychopath.”  ???  Nope. That’s not it either. But that’s what’s going to happen unless you buck up and start telling yourself the truth. It’s OKAY to be by yourself for the holidays. It sure beats pathology as a gift.

Peace, gratitude, and all the spiritual reflections that are supposed to happen during this time of year cannot be found in pathology. They were not created there but they do end there. If your goal for the holidays is to find some peace, joy, hope and love, don’t spend it where and with whom it cannot be found. After the holidays, you will be a lot happier for not having attempted, for the millionth time, to find happiness where it does not exist.

Here’s a real gift for you—some tips!

TIPS FOR A HAPPIER/HEALTHIER HOLIDAY

• Stop idealizing—you are who you are, it is what it is, pathology is pathology. If your family isn’t perfect, they certainly WON’T be during the season. Accept yourself and others for who they are. This includes accepting that pathology cannot and will not be different during the holidays simply because you want the Christmas fantasy.  “Emotional suffering is created in the moment when we don’t accept what ‘is.’” (~Eckart Tolle)

• Don’t feel pressured to eat more/spend more/drink more than you want to. Remind yourself you have choices and that the word “No” is a complete sentence. Don’t be held hostage to exhausting holiday schedules.

• Take quiet time during the season or you’ll get run over by the sheer speed of the holidays. Pencil it in like you would any other appointment. Buy your own present now—some bubble bath—and spend quality time with some bubbles by yourself. Light a candle, find five things to be grateful for, repeat often.

• Take same-sex friends to parties and don’t feel OBLIGATED to go with someone you don’t want to go with. People end up in the worst binds going to parties with others, and get stuck in relationships they don’t want to be in, because they feel obligated. Find a few other friends who are willing to be “party partners” during the holidays.

• Give to others in need. The best way to get out of your own problems is to give to others whose problems exceed yours. Give to a charity, feed the homeless, buy toys for kids.

• Find time for spiritual reflection. It’s the only way to really feel the season and reconnect. Go to a church service, pray, meditate, reflect.

• Plant joy—in yourself, in your life and in others. What you invest in your own recovery is also reaped in the lives of those closest to you.

• Pick ONE growth-oriented issue you’d like to focus on next year for your own growth on January 1.  It creates hope when you know you have a plan to move forward and out of your current emotional condition. Invest in your opportunity to grow past the aftermath of this pathological love relationship.

Happy Holidays from The Institute!

~ The Promised Land always lies on the other side of the wilderness.~ (Havelock Ellis)

I don’t know if YOU see your life as real as I sometimes see it. Do you see what I see when I read your letters, hear your stories, and imagine your relationships and pain?

Many women want ‘The Promised Land.’ To them that could be healing or maybe that’s being with him…but so many are always looking for happiness and thinking ‘The Promised Land’ is just around the corner.

Oh…the wilderness…the path of pain – that road that requires that you leave him – that you face your own fear or loneliness – the street that makes you wonder if you’ll ever find another one to love, have sex again, or with whom to feel real joy in your heart.

The wilderness that meanders through all the places you have been…the valley of truth, the river of denial, the desert of lies…Don’t spend time regretting whatever your time with him was for you – if you couldn’t leave him yet, if you picked yet another pathological, or if you’re still not over him yet. Regret is so wasteful of human energy.

A wise man said “Humans grow thru the metabolism of their own experience.” What you lived through was not wasted. It’s part of how you will grow and how your future will be healthier and more healing for you.

Women ask me all the time, “What can I do to help other women in the area of pathological love relationships?” Your own self growth and healing is the greatest service you can give the world and other women. What you invest in yourself is never wasted or lost. God is the God of Economy. He recycles everything, even your pain. Your pain heals the next woman.

I believe that, which is why we created the Coaching program, the retreats, our web and facebook pages, blogs, radio shows, and weekly articles – so you can recycle your own pain and help the next woman. Many therapists are also survivors too and have made entire practices into outreaches from their own pain. They stopped circling ‘The Promised Land’ and moved through it to a place of helping other heal.

To stop the circling of ‘The Promised Land’ and to help you actually get there is why we developed our programs and products – so that your pain recycled becomes hope to the next woman. Nothing is lost. Pain that is not actualized – that isn’t converted into wisdom – is just pain. It was useless suffering that did not manifest itself into something larger than itself.

I believe many of you will stop circling ‘The Promised Land’ and will come out of the wilderness you’ve been in. And when you do…we’re right there celebrating with you – your rite of passage into a new life.

“I believe that what it is I have been called to do will make itself known when I have made myself ready.” (J. Phillips)

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

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