Search Results for: trauma bonding

Am I Under His Spell? Part 2

In last week’s article, we started talking about the very REAL issue of trance in a relationship with pathologicals. Women have described this as feeling “under his spell,” “spellbound,” “mesmerized,” “hypnotized,” “spaced out,” “not in control of my own thoughts…” All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind control have been happening with the pathological. And why wouldn’t it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others. That includes your body, mind or spirit. Mind-control techniques, either physical or mental, are used on prisoners of war, in cults, and in hostage-taking. They obviously work or there wouldn’t be ‘techniques’ and bad people wouldn’t use them.

Mind control, brainwashing, coercion… are all words for the same principles that are used to produce the results of reducing your own effectiveness and being emotionally overtaken by someone intent on doing so. The result is the victim’s intense attachment to her perpetrator. This is often referred to as Betrayal Bonding or Trauma Bonding.  This is created by:

  • Perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator would carry out the threat.
  • Perceived small kindness from the captor/perpetrator to the captive.
  • Perceived inability to escape.
  • Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor/perpetrator.

Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of trance state. Dissociation is when your mind becomes overloaded and you need to ‘step outside of yourself’ to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance are common reactions to trauma. For instance, dissociation happens during abuse in childhood as well as during adult traumas like rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states where adults begin to feel like they are being controlled—and they are!

If you have experienced mind control in your relationships, treatment and recovery for it includes:

  • Breaking the isolation—Helping you identify sources of supportive intervention, self-help groups or group therapy, hotlines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.
  • Identifying violence—As a victim in an abusive relationship, minimization of the abuse can occur, or denial about the different types of violent behavior that you encounter. Confusion about what is acceptable male (parental/authority) behavior is often common. Journal-keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first-hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful for you to understand the types of abuse you experienced.
  • Renaming perceived kindness—Since abuse confuses the boundaries between kindness and manipulation, you may need to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring other than the captor/perpetrator.
  • Your ability to validate both love and terror—Because pathologicals often are dichotomous or have polar-opposite behaviors such as kind and sadistic, there is often a split by the victim in how they see the abuser. Treatment may be needed to help you integrate both dissociated sides of the abuser and will assist you in moving through the dreamlike state in how you view and remember him.

In next week’s article, we’ll continue our discussion on other forms of trance states and spellbound conditions.

 

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

 

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

 

 

 

 

 

Am I Under His Spell Part II

In my previous column, we started talking about the very REAL issue of trance in relationship with pathologicals.

Women have described this as feeling ‘under his spell,’ ‘spell bound,’ ‘ mesmerized,’ ‘hypnotized,’ ‘spaced out,’ ‘not in control of their own thoughts….’  All of these are ways of saying that various levels of covert and subtle mind-control have been happening with the pathological.  And why wouldn’t it be happening? These are power-hungry people who live to exert their dominance over others.

That includes your body, mind or spirit. Mind Control techniques are used on prisoners of war, in cults, and in hostage taking, either physical or mental. It obviously works or there wouldn’t be ‘techniques’ and bad people wouldn’t use it.

Mind control, brain washing, coercion…are all words for the same principles that are used to produce the results of reducing your own effectiveness and being emotionally overtaken by someone intent on doing so. The result is the victim’s intense attachment to her perpetrator. This is often referred to as Betrayal Bonding or Trauma Bonding.

This is created by:

•Perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor/perpetrator would carry out the threat.

•Perceived small kindness from the captor/perpetrator to the captive.

•Isolation from perspectives other than  those of the captor/perpetrator.

•Perceived inability to escape.

Mind control then produces dissociation which is a form of trance states. Dissociation is when your mind becomes overloaded and you need to ‘step outside of yourself’ to relieve the stress. Dissociation and trance are common reactions to trauma. For instance dissociation happens during abuse in childhood as well as adult traumas like rape. Prolonged mind control in adults will even produce trance states where adults begin to feel like they are being controlled. And they are…

If you have experienced mind control in your relationships, treatment and recovery for it includes:

* Breaking the Isolation – Helping you identify sources of supportive intervention; Self-help groups or group therapy also hot lines, crisis centers, shelters and friends.

* Identifiying Violence – As a victim in an abusive relationship, minimization of the abuse can occur, or denial about the different types of violent behavior that you encountered. Confusion about what is acceptable male (parental / authority) behavior is often common. Journal keeping, autobiographical writing, reading of first hand accounts or seeing films that deal with abuse may be helpful for you to understand the types of abuse you experienced.

* Renaming Perceived Kindness – Since abuse confuses the boundaries between kindness and manipulation, you may need to develop alternative sources of nurturance and caring other than the captor/perpetrator.

* Your Ability to Validate both Love and Terror – Because pathological often are dichotomous or have polar opposite behaviors such as kind and sadistic, there is often a split by the victim in
how they see the abuser. Treatment may need to help you integrate both disassociated ‘sides’ of the abuser, and will assist you in moving through the dream-like state in how you view and remember him.

In my next column, we’ll continue our discussion on other forms of trance states and spell bound conditions.

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.
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Intense Attachments – Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave?

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder about **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While all the people around her have the easy and rational answers of how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment is harder with pathological persons than anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an emotional vortex pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics.

As we studied these particular attachments we saw that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can’t define or adequately describe. This includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in mind control, the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced but paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her. Not her current roller-coaster mental health, her other family relationships, her declining health, her children, her job or any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care. No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a near catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self.

An hour a week at the counselor’s office has done little to unwedge her from this super-glued relationship. It hasn’t recognized the hypnotic entrancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. It hasn’t unveiled the death grip that pathologicals can have on a squirming victim. Or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from the too-many-go-rounds with him, there isn’t enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from the wearing process with the pathological.

Without the emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just allows the relationship to roll like waves over the top of her. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical break down including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near record low, many have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, been in car accidents, or have incurred sporting injuries because of the inability to concentrate. Taking an inventory of just what it has cost her to be in a relationship with a pathological is often the first step towards education.

The disengagement process is a function supported by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Somewhere she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she used to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs.

If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now–to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, in order to be broken, the intensity of attachment must first be understood.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Damage They Do

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

For the unlucky women, months turn into years as they ride the roller coaster going nowhere. From heart stopping curves to death wish drops, they hate the ride but don’t know how to get off.

Interestingly, no matter how long women are in the relationship, the aftermath symptoms are the same. This means any exposure to pathology is psychologically devastating. The aftermath severity happens because the pathological uses forms of mind control. It is hard to fathom, but the pathological’s goal is to succeed in controlling and destroying a woman, not to have a successful relationship with her.

A pathological performs devious kinds of acts to try to make his woman think she is having a nervous breakdown or is mentally deficient so she relies on his “take” of reality. If mind control is psychologically damaging to prisoners of war, it is just as damaging to the intimate partners of pathologicals who will go to great lengths to inflict psychological devastation – simply because they enjoy the process.

He claims that he “knows people” who get information for him. This increases her paranoia and fear and adds to the psychopath’s mystique. He plays “nice guy” to make her doubt herself and to deflect her thoughts that there’s anything wrong with him.

He will gaslight her by agreeing to changes and then act as if they never had the conversation about those very changes. He will admit behaviors when caught and later deny he admitted them. He will get caught red-handed and later deny she ever heard or found out what he did. He will use other accomplices to validate his stories to increase her sensation that she is going crazy. Wealthy pathologicals will financially bribe others to control the outcome of situations that continue to support his mirage of lies.

Women may have PTSD symptoms resulting from mind control and coercion. All of these conditions result from a victim’s bonding and emotional connection to her captor/abuser, symptoms that are often seen in prisoners of war, hostages, and cult members.

But she is not an easy woman to take down. Self-control will hold her strong even in the face of these pathological-created delusions. Some women indicate they stayed far too long trying to figure out what was going on or to go toe-to-toe with him so he couldn’t get something else over on them. Most women say they are baffled by the strange dynamics in the relationship and stayed until they had some kind of cognitive understanding of what they had been living through.

As the emotional stress, physical, and sexual exhaustion are taking their toll, her failed reality testing continues. She begins thinking paranormal things are happening around her. The constant ups and downs of the relationship are now eroding this strong woman’s sense of self-confidence and resourcefulness – just what the pathological intended!

As she starts to psychologically decompensate, she experiences the same dynamics that are seen in Stockholm Syndrome:

  • She perceives (and has already experienced) a threat to her physical or psychological survival and believes he has the ability to carry out his threats. By now, she has already lived through months of him carrying out his ability to harm her.
  • Perceived small kindnesses from him set the emotional tone for her letting down her guard and. once again, seeing him as kind or even human. This also increases her relationship investment and hope in him.
  • Isolation from outside perspectives other than his. She has already experienced not only isolation from others but the indoctrination of his pathological world view.

As she decompensates, she is an easier mark for continued manipulation by the pathological. It is uncertain if psychopaths have a natural ability by nature of their pathology to simply unconsciously perpetrate these types of mental set-ups, or if the set-ups are systemically planned so that just watching her psychologically melt before his very eyes is a huge power pump for him. Our guess would be the latter.

If pathologicals didn’t like the game of manipulation, they would consistently choose women who are introverted and who would be a far easier capture than taking on powerful extraverted women. But that is, in fact, exactly why most (not all) pathologicals choose the powerful extraverted woman. To that end, we have to assume that the pathological predator enjoys watching a previously high-functioning woman turn into a reality-doubting, exhausted, bundle of nerves which he finds pretty erotic.

Sadly, some of the pathological’s women only make it out of their torment through suicide. The ultimate power triumph for a psychopath, he conquered her spirit and won. He scoops up and moves on to the next woman/victim.

Inevitable Harm

Every woman is harmed. “I realized I had been seduced by a con man and I spent months in shock, trying to figure out just who he really was.”

A relationship with a pathological man is not like any other failed relationship. The women who loved pathologicals are not just ‘bitter women scorned’. It is simply not possible to have a relationship with a pathological and not be harmed and damaged to a significant degree.

One woman expressed, “It has been over four years since our relationship ended and I still get anxiety attacks at the thought of dating. I am still single and have adopted a hermit lifestyle to make sure I never go through anything like this again.” The relationship with a pathological has resulted in many women living out their lives alone without a partner.

The medical side effects of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that many women develop from the relationship (as well as other acute stress disorders) will long manifest in her body. Medical side effects that continue on, long after the psychopath has left, include:

  • Auto immune disorders
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Substance abuse
  • Migraines
  • Digestive disorders
  • High blood pressure

As one survivor said, “This relationship has taken a grave physical toll on my body. I have several conditions and I look about 20 years older than I actually am.”

Sexual damage

Many women experience sexual damage and negative effects on their sexuality. This stems from having been exposed to deviant sexual practices, humiliated about their sexual performance or bodies, compared to other women, and often sexually harmed.

Long term damage

Women who have been in relationships with pathologicals universally experience some form of acute stress. The acute stress may have evolved into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or other types of stress disorders. The lingering disorders serve as reminders of past pain and are likely to cause the women symptoms for years – and maybe for life.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Unexamined Victim: Women Who Love Psychopaths

“We can’t prevent what we don’t identify, we can’t treat what we don’t diagnose. And we can’t teach how to spot them unless we understand pathology ourselves.”

Millions of dollars have been spent researching and writing about psychopaths while almost nothing has been spent, either in terms of time or money, on the profoundly disturbing byproduct of psychopathy – its victims. Since male psychopaths outnumber the female variety by about 3 or 4 to 1, I’ll be talking mainly about female victims of male psychopaths in this article.

Despite the fact that psychopaths devastate everyone in their path including the women and children who love them, why have clinicians not seen fit to study and write about the single most obvious source of insight into this issue: the survivors of intimate relationships with psychopaths? The study of any disease involves carefully collecting and examining its symptoms, and psychopathy is definitely a societal disease. Even our legal system gathers information about criminals by taking testimony from on-site, first hand witnesses. So again, I ask: why is there no clinical material about – much less interest in – the psychopath’s partner?

I think one answer is that therapists don’t recognize her as a victim of psychopathy because they usually don’t recognize him as a psychopath! On the rare occasion when a psychopath’s victim is identified, she is lumped together with more typical domestic violence survivors; or labeled as co-dependent, a relationship/sex addict, and/or assumed to be suffering dependent personality-disorder. These inaccurate and often biased explanations of pathological love relationships have neither helped victims find specific treatment for their unique relationship dynamics and aftermath symptoms, nor have they contributed (as they could) to our knowledge of psychopathy itself. It’s a travesty within the clinical profession that the victims are not more readily identified or better understood and that this rich source of vital information has not been mined.

I came into the field of pathology through the back door – I was not looking to work with Cluster B relationships (i.e., with narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic, and borderline personality disorders; personality disorders are grouped into one of three clusters based on common characteristics) – I was just trying to offer counseling to victims of crime. However, going through that door led me into a whole career within the field of psychopathology and, after 20 years of ‘treating’ personality-disordered people, I gained a new appreciation for the depth of permanent devastation caused by what Otto Kernberg called the “dangerous and severe personality disorders.” These severe disorders affect not only the sufferer, but family members, partners, friends, children, and even the therapists themselves. I continue to be overwhelmed by the fact that the therapeutic progress of those with personality disorders is measured in millimeters, while the devastation they leave behind is measured in miles.

After years of working with the disordered, my focus began to shift; I realized that my time and energy would be far more fruitfully spent helping those who didn’t recognize the oncoming pathological in their lane of life. The problem was clear: women became victims because they didn’t recognize the difference between normal personality diversity and the signs and symptoms of pathology. Despite the fact that most personality disordered individuals can hide for some period of time behind a ‘mask of sanity’, there are signs and symptoms that the non-clinician can learn about and thereby avoid some of the most devastating life events known to our society. I noticed the ‘dangerous man’ experiences from which women were healing were largely due to two types of pathology: narcissists and the whole antisocial end of the pathology spectrum, which includes antisocial personality disorders, sociopaths and psychopaths. And so, I initiated psychopathology education for the community-at-large. Through one of my earlier books How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved I focused on the effects that Cluster B personality disorders can have on a relationship, coining the term ‘relationships of inevitable harm’.

As I counseled victims of the personality disordered, learning things from them that made my hair stand on end, I wondered why others had not bothered to study the persons who were exposed to the most dangerous relationships on the planet! If the field of violence prevention had been around since the 1970s, why wasn’t this pool of potential homicide-risk victims better identified for prevention or treatment at the very least? Why had no one ever thought to collect the precious data they – and they alone – could provide?

As one of the first therapists to extensively study the clinical aspects of the partners of psychopaths, I was fascinated to discover that these women were remarkably similar in personality traits. Their stories of their relationship dynamics were comparable, and their aftermath symptoms identical. At the same time, despite the therapeutic mislabeling mentioned above, and the societal misunderstanding of them, women who loved psychopaths didn’t turn out to fit any of those labels! It was ironic that there was so much similarity between all of them, but none of it had anything to do with the labels which had been assigned to them!

The Institute, which I founded, conducted an in-depth study of over 75 women worldwide (and has recently completed a study with more than 600 respondents that shows the same results). The initial intensive survey collected data, relationship stories, histories, symptoms, temperament traits, and characteristic behaviors along with the dynamics of their interactions with pathological partners. This victim-based research brought into sharp focus the long-missing issue of their unusual relationship dynamics and their often masked aftermath of symptomatology. (For more information read Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists 2nd ed., Sandra L. Brown, M.A.) It also highlighted some unusual aspects that only psychopaths could bring to, and perpetrate in, an intimate relationship. This was shocking insight into the dynamics of the psychopathic lifestyle.

Here is what was discovered:

  • Educated and otherwise well-adjusted women described entrancement or ‘vortexing’ into relationships with psychopaths who have extraordinary skills for exploiting the suggestibility of others.
  • The psychopath lured them through a form of hypnotic induction into trance states which contributed to how strongly women can be ‘held’ in these relationships.
  • The role of intensity of attachment and fear affected her perception of sexual and relational bonding with psychopaths.
  • The ‘Jekyll and Hyde’ dichotomous personality of the psychopath coupled with ‘crazy-making’ relationship dynamics aided the development of cognitive dissonance in the victims, weakening an otherwise strong emotional constitution.
  • The victim aftermath symptoms either resembled or were in fact post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), even without physical violence.
  • Recent breakthroughs in neuroscience explained brain differences in psychopaths (and other Cluster Bs). It aided the clinical understanding of the permanent hard-wiring nature of these disorders. While we hope this eventually adjusts the erroneous belief that psychopathology is not merely willful behavior, it is evident that the lack of education for victims has hindered their ability to understand the permanence of these disorders; victims continue to assume batterer intervention or therapy will change the psychopath.

The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women’s unique and astounding elevated ‘super traits’ of temperament, personality strengths and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural ‘balance’ to the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.

While the uncovering of her innate traits and conditioned behaviors explained much about these dangerous relationships, and has brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation of some of the victim’s temperament traits and explaining how it could affect her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host said, “That’s a crock of crap! You’re telling me that a few temperament traits can do that? I don’t believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own it and she was probably abused as a child.” These simplistic answers are what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public psychopathology education.

As mentioned, my research has revealed that women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary ‘super traits’ of temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:

    • Extraversion and Excitement Seeking. (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.) In other words, these women started out being the least dependent types on the planet!
    • Relationship Investment. The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.
    • Attachment. She has a deep bonding capacity.
    • Competitiveness. She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will stand her ground. Again, not the co-dependent type at all.
    • Low Harm Avoidance. She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she is. In other words, not a person looking to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood. In fact, more often than not, these women were never exposed to abuse of any kid as children.
    • Cooperation.
    • Hyper-empathy. This can actually be genetic.
    • Responsibility and Resourcefulness.

I think we can all agree that these sound like outstanding women in all respects! These stellar qualities don’t look like a problem at first glance, but some of these traits were measured in the range of 97% higher than average, proving that even too much of a good thing can be bad.

What happens when you put all this together:

Too much empathy

+ high bonding

+ high sentimentality

+ and low harm avoidance?

= You get inevitable harm.

You get fabulous women who love deeply, who have a big heart, who get much out of their relationships and who tend to trust openly because they believe that everyone is as good and decent and loving as they are. What’s more, their super-traits make them able to hold fast to that belief in the face of some of the most horrifying evidence to the contrary imaginable.

While finding these kinds of off-the-chart trait combinations sounds foreboding, it is actually good news. We can’t prevent what we don’t identify. We can’t treat what we don’t diagnose. And we can’t teach how to spot them unless we understand pathology ourselves. With this new understanding we have the ability and possibility to use this information to develop targeted and appropriate survivor treatment programs and – more importantly – to design Public Psychopathy Education targeted at those who are most at risk for developing or sustaining relationships with individuals of the psychopathic ilk.

Since the first printing of Women Who Love Psychopaths, I have spent years using this specific information and developing new approaches in our treatment programs. I designed the programs exclusively for women emerging from relationships with psychopathic men. After treating hundreds of clients I have learned a great deal about the unique aspects of the destructive consequences that these women experience in the aftermath of these relationships. I have added that new data related to these findings later in the book.

Both my understanding and my clients’ intimate first-hand knowledge of psychopathy are different from many conventional and even clinical writings about the psychopath. Considering how the women came to know what they do know, it should be different. My understanding about the disorder has grown out of my unique experiences treating the psychopath’s victims who have shared their personal life-destroying lessons about their encounters. When you approach the subject of psychopathy through the outcome of victimization, the view and insights are wider and deeper.

My perspective may differ from other psychopathy researchers who work primarily with criminal psychopaths in the prison system or those researchers who work in laboratories, as well as from instructors in academia who teach about psychopathology. In most of those cases, the only psychopathic subjects available for study or report are those who were caught or incarcerated. In the cases in the book, the psychopaths are primarily not, and have never been, incarcerated. They are what you might call ‘successful psychopaths’.

This factor highlights one difference in the book’s approach. I based the psychopath profiles on information provided by their intimate partners – not through standardized research approaches which depend, to a great extent, on ‘self-reporting’ by the psychopaths themselves. (This is problematical at best since lying is one of the chief characteristics of the psychopath.) The women answered detailed questions about the psychopath’s behaviors and their unique relationship dynamics. Experience taught me that you can learn a great deal from how victims and witnesses describe the psychopath’s behaviors. Words and actions, closely observed over long periods of time, provide a rich source of data from which to infer the psychopath’s mental landscape.

I wrote Women Who Love Psychopaths to help the psychopath’s victims understand their unique and unprecedented at-risk status – past, present, and future. Since it was published, it has taught them how to safeguard themselves from other predators and prevent the devastation psychopathy causes. Over my 25+ years of providing counseling, I have sadly seen hundreds (if not thousands) of lives destroyed by varying levels of mixed pathology and psychopathy. This growing global pathology stands as one of the primary public mental health issues facing our world today simply because of the number of victims it will inevitably create – because that’s what psychopathy ‘does.’

More importantly, I believe this book has begun a process in the US towards Public Psychopathy Education. I believe the way to prevent psychopathic destruction within society is through public awareness education. Education can help women make better parenting choices by explaining:

  • the risk of psychopathic fathers passing their disorders on genetically
  • how psychopathic fathers emotionally damage the children they parent.

Pathological parenting always leaves its brutal and twisted world view imprinted upon impressionable souls.

To impact the public’s future knowledge, women must know what psychopathic traits look like in men. They can’t understand a psychopath until they learn what pathology in the psychopath looks like, acts like, and hides like.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about Pathological Love Relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Intense Attachments- Why is this dangerous guy so hard to leave?

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder about **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While all the people around her have the easy and rational answers of how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment is harder with pathological persons than anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an ’emotional vortex’ pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can’t define or adequately describe. This includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in ‘mind control,’ the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced by paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her. Not her current roller-coaster mental health, her other family relationships, her declining health, her children, her job or any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care. No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a an hour a week at the counselor’s office has done little to unwedge her from this super-glued relationship. It hasn’t recognized the hypnotic en-trancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. It hasn’t unveiled the death grip that pathologicals can have on a squirming victim. Or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from the too-many-go-rounds with him, there isn’t enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from the wearing process with the pathological. Without the emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just ‘allows’ the relationship to roll like waves over the top of her. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical break down including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near record low, many have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of the inability to concentrate. Taking an inventory of just ‘what it has cost her’ to be in a relationship with a pathological is often the first step towards education.

The disengagement process is a supported function often by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, and symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery such as our retreats or intensives with Sandra.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Some where she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she used to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, counseling, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now–to minimize the effects of the growing PTSD and the intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, the intensity of attachment in order to be broken must first be understood. Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships is a great tool for loosening the pathologicals emotional death grip.

Pathometry Newsletter, July 6-2013

PATHOMETRY LAB NEWSLETTER

A service of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

Pathometry, noun, The measure of suffering; The distinction of suffering into different types; The perception, recognition, or diagnosing of different types of suffering (as we apply it to Pathological Love Relationships); The determination of the proportionate number of individuals affected with a certain disorder at any given time, and the conditions leading to an increase or decrease in this number.

The Pathometry Newsletter is designed for better understanding the Cluster B continuum range including sociopathy and psychopathy; for the correlation to other co-morbid conditions especially those with inconsistent treatment outcomes; to address the effects of these disorders on relational harm; and to see the impact on sociological systems.

 

Pathological Love Relationships: Systemic Impact and Its Relevancy for Professionals

Copyrighted© Sandra L. Brown, MA 2013

Issue 2

Background Info on The Institute

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education has been an early pioneer in the research and treatment approaches for Pathological Love Relationships (referred to as PLRs). For close to 25 years we have been involved in developing model- of- care approaches for survivor treatment. Additionally, we have been promoting public pathology education for prevention and intervention for survivors, awareness for the general public, and as advanced education for victim service providers.

In those 25 years, we have:

* Created and run our own Trauma Disorder Program

* Provided consultations for other programs

* Trained victim service providers in our model-of-care

* Treated hundreds and hundreds of survivors

* Spoken to thousands in the general public

* Reached millions with the message of “inevitable harm” related to Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs), through television and radio, print publications, our extensive product line of books, articles, e-books, CDs, DVDs and guest blogging on websites such as Psychology Today.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships

https://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Our mission for the new Pathometry Lab Newsletter is simple:

   ~In order to help more survivors, we need to train more professionals.~

The mental health professionals that have been intricately trained by The Institute have lamented that graduate school, face-to-face counseling, and reading about Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs) did not prepare them for the treatment challenges of the survivor of a PLR or +the understanding of the disorders of the partner. Professionals have indicated that by far the most frustrating type of counseling cases have been the Pathological Love Relationship couple, the wounded partner of one of these relationships, and the “identified” problem pathological partner. To help professionals maneuver the challenging “obstacle course” of PLRs, we have dedicated a newsletter solely for you.

Systemic Impact

In our previous newsletter we introduced the concept of Pathological Love Relationships and the clinical relevancy for mental health professionals. We also touched on the issues that make specialized treatment approaches necessary. Over the course of the next 12 months, the newsletter will be talking about the specifics of our model- of-care and approaches that can be used by therapists with their clients.

(A Pathological Love Relationship (PLR) is a relationship in which at least one of the

partners has serious psychopathology which is likely to negatively affect his or her mate. The Institute specializes in the partners who are/were in relationships with those who have pathology of Cluster B Personality Disorders, which include: Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Anti-Social Personality Disorder, and the additional disorders of Sociopathy and Psychopathy . We will focus on these Cluster B Disorders this year in our newsletter, and in the following years we will discuss other disorders that can impact relational harm.)

In this edition of the newsletter, we are going to discuss the impact of PLRs on the major systems within our society and its psychosocial relevancy for professionals in various disciplines. In the upcoming newsletters we will discuss our theoretical framework for our work and our approaches. Today, let’s discuss the high impact of PLRs on all of us.

Our desire to make inroads in PLRs is related to the global necessity to relieve the effects of pathology which is crippling our mental health, criminal justice, social services, and health care systems. In fact, one of the most expensive impacts on our society is pathology and what it costs our national systems.

We have calculated that 60 million people in the U.S. alone are negatively impacted by someone else’s pathology costing billions of dollars a year through our societal systems.

“I consider one of the biggest public health concerns we face is that of pathology,

or more specifically, unidentified pathology.” —–
(Howard D., former Psychiatrist)

Dr. Kent Kiehl of the Mind Research Network (expert in MRIs of psychopaths’ brains http://www.mrn.org/) indicated in a recent interview that, “Psychopathy costs us 10 times what depression costs; in other words, it costs $460 BILLION a year to deal with psychopathy.” Let’s look at some of the systemic impact of not only psychopathy, but other forms of pathology as well.

Criminal Justice and Family Law Systems

How do we see pathology affecting the criminal justice and family law systems? Most assuredly, criminal courts are barraged with the undiagnosed and often unmonitored anti-socials. Jail, Prison, Probation, Court Monitoring systems, according to research, have an inordinately high number of Narcissistic Personality Disorders (NPDs) and Anti-Social Personality Disorders (ASPDs) in their populations. The more violent the crime, and/or the more times in criminal court, the greater the likelihood of the diagnosis of Cluster B is likely to be applicable. With the low treatment outcomes known for NPD and ASPD, we find a revolving door of pathologicals that keeps coming in and out of jail/prison/court programs.

“The results of the current study suggest that those individuals exhibiting high levels of both anti-social and narcissistic personalities are the best predictors of who will commit the majority of offenses. Based on this and other studies, these are the individuals most often incarcerated for violent crimes (Warren et al., 2002; Mamak, 1998). It is also suggested by the data that narcissism is the best overall predictor of crime.”

http://web.sbu.edu/psychology/lavin/abbey.htm

The domestic violence, batterer intervention, anger management, divorce court, and family court systems which all flow into each other, are clogged systems of new and repeat offenders, often of the Cluster B variety cloaked in the term of “high-conflict cases.” High conflict cases are often undiagnosed pathology trying to be “cookie-cutter retrofitted” to existing court programs.

High-conflict cases, as they are referred to, are recognized as “court cloggers”; however, rarely are there actual “diagnoses” connected with the terminology of “high conflict.” What are common aspects of high-conflict/PLR cases that are affecting our Criminal Justice (CJ) and Family Courts?

* Parental alienation

* Failed mediation

* 60+ appearances (on average) in Family Court, with custody battles raging for years

* Abductions

* Hundreds of thousands of dollars spent in court cases

* Abuse of partners and children

* Stalking

* Violation of protective orders

* Hidden lives

* Forensic accountants

* Private investigators

All of these are common issues for PLRs in court and relationally. Some of these are the actual behaviors, which helps courts identify them as “high-conflict cases” (but unfortunately, without the diagnosis).

But long before the identification of a “high-conflict case” was the reality of a PLR. And herein lays the “pathology-in-the-courtroom” problem: When the criminal justice system does not recognize the PLR dynamics or the disorders often associated with PLRs, we get profoundly pathological people included in legal or intervention approaches that are not designed to work for them. Not only do they fail, but they put the other partner/victim at risk and clog systems because the approaches are not working.

High-conflict cases, without the diagnosis, are being referred to what is called “Diversion Programs,” which is another legal “program-ese” for a type of case management within the legal system. Diversion programs are trying various psychological approaches with the “high-conflict population,” again, without recognizing the pathology and assessing whether that even works with these types of disorders. As clinicians we recognize “we can’t treat what we don’t identify.” But that is not always true in the CJ system.

In mental health disciplines, we recognize the need for treatment to be disorder-specific, that is, what we are offering as resources fit the disorder, thus the need. The CJ field is not that specific and tends to offer broader, more generalized, approaches to Family Court problems. These approaches may fit well for non-PLRs but do nothing but frustrate the courts when applied to PLRs. This is why we are seeing the rise of grassroots organizations that are made up of survivors who are now demanding Family Court reform because the approaches not only don’t work, but enflame the pathological.

These cases that are unrecognized for their pathology go nowhere as they are shuffled from one program to the next, one referral to the next, who passes them along because they are sick of the “go-nowhere-ness” of the cases. And each case bounces from one docket to the next as the judge hopes a program/any program will help, while yet another PLR clogs the system for years.

These are the couples that are sent everywhere—to mediation (failed), to co-parenting (failed), then parallel parenting, to court psychologists (what the heck is wrong with them?), to child evaluators (what is this doing to the child?), to anger management, to batterer intervention (if applicable), to divorce approach to a complex case then passes it on to the next program, while years tick off the calendar.

If we asked ourselves clinically, “Who does that?” and if we dropped these kinds of specific behaviors into an imaginary “DSM-IV analyzer,” while they clinked and clunked, aligning behaviors with possible disorders, it would produce a diagnosis often dealing with a Cluster B disorder in the mix, which means for the therapist:
* The client has a Pathological Love Relationship

* The end of the relationship is going to be full of risk and drama (stalking, 50B violations, repeat offending, custody problems, unending court and divorce court, higher risk of physical injury and intimate partner homicide)

* Our client has a pathological court case

* We have the nightmare of watching our client try to parallel parent or co-parent with a pathological

* The programs that are being referred for the pathological partner to attend and that normally work well for non-pathologicals, are not likely to work well with PLRs

* For treatment and support we will need a different approach when dealing with PLR survivors

Mental Health and Domestic Violence Systems

What about mental health systems and DV-oriented programs? How are they affected by PLRs? Donald Dutton, a Domestic Violence Researcher, indicates that the highest percentage of repeat abusers fall into the Cluster B disorders. According to Dutton, the more times they repeat as DV offenders, the more likely they are Cluster B. He indicates that as many as 85% of repeat offenders fall into Cluster B. http://www.drdondutton.com/

With this high a percentage, this IS who is likely to be the face of the repeat offender of DV, indicating that most repeat DV cases actually involve PLRs. Thus, we should expect to see PLR survivors in DV-based services whether public or private mental health services.

What about the victims? Survivors spend time in DV agencies, private counselors, support groups and online forums, never getting close to understanding the relational dynamics they have experienced with a pathological partner whose disorder is never accounted for, but whose behaviors are often labeled generically, as “abusive.”

Many survivors of pathological relationships skip the treatment altogether and suffer silently instead of trying to withstand explanations and one-size-fits-all ideologies about their experiences and the behaviors associated with the pathological perpetrator. Survivors of PLRs do not find the Power and Control Wheel comprehensive or specific enough for what they experienced with Cluster Bs. And if their partner has had repeat violence and are Cluster B, they are not likely to have gotten specific information about PLRs from shelter care, group or individual therapy. They are no further ahead in understanding the low treatment outcome likelihood of their partner.

Having seen the profound ‘failures’ of DV treatment which often end up in intimate partner homicides there aren’t any of us who would ever advise a client that their violent partner was conclusively ‘treated’ for their problems. And yet, unidentified Cluster Bs similar to OJ or Mike Tyson fly through Batterer Intervention Programs unrecognized repeatedly. Many partners will go back after ‘treatment’ has ended believing that what was wrong with them was corrected through ‘psycho education.’

What about the offenders? Perpetrators are referred to Batterer Intervention or Anger Management programs which do not always pre-assess for pathological disorders, especially since these services are court-mandated and the offender has no choice in the decision to attend. All perps are approached with the same material that was largely designed for perps without pathology. Much of the material that is used in Batterer Intervention (BI) is designed for those who have a propensity for the ability to sustain positive and consistent change, a known deficiency within the Cluster B population. Additional chronic risk factors of low impulse control, reduced empathy, and neurological abnormalities that impact aggression, are not considered when deciding who will be most successful with the mandated treatment offered.

Instead, pathologically disordered perps are those most likely to repeat offend or repeat in other chronic ways, thus ending up back in these same programs or other programs, clogging the systems they are funneled through, undiagnosed. The low treatment outcomes for batterers then become risk factors for victims as they believe the batterers were “treated” because they attended a program (albeit, one that was not designed for their unique disorder).

A factor that is not always known about Anger Management (and sometimes BI) programs is that they are not necessarily run by mental health professionals. In a recent workshop given for CJ personnel by us, Anger Management facilitators discussed their backgrounds for performing these high pathologically- oriented community services. Many were simply 501c3s who wrote a grant and went to a few weeks of training, but had no mental health training, assessment training or tools. Many were survivors of PLRs (contributing to this writer’s concern about transference of over- and under-identification of offender status, during group facilitation).

Considering that some of the most dangerous people in the DSM-IV are likely to be attending these community mental health programs, shouldn’t the community expect that a mental health professional would be pre-assessing for whether inclusion is recommended and post-assessing for low treatment, thus a continuing risk for the victim?

Health Care Systems

It is now well understood the impact of mental health on physical health. Survivors of PLRs have a significant history of stress-related health problems, including prolific autoimmune disorders. Given the survivor’s often long history of unrelenting stress with the emotionally dys-regulated Cluster B, it is not a far stretch that these survivors have unusually high numbers of health related problems. A high percentage of untreated PLR survivors are so impacted by both poor mental and physical health that they are removed from their jobs, take voluntary time off, are hospitalized, put on Disability, or are negatively affected for years, causing them to lapse into not only the health care system, but also the social service system once their health is impacted. When Dr. Kent Kiehl quoted psychopathy costing our systems $460 BILLION, it most assuredly reflected the impact on our health care system.

Social Service Systems

The survivors of PLRs often emerge with C-PTSD (even without experiencing physical violence—the reason for this will be discussed over the course of the ongoing Pathometry Newsletter), removing them from functional life and plunging them into the social service systems. Even the survivors who were formally white collar workers and previously economically stable (not the usual service user of social services) are significantly impacted, introducing their entrance into social service support. We have had female attorneys, doctors, CPAs, CEOs, judges, all reduced to disability following a PLR.

The children are of course impacted as well, often requiring assistance and services for their own recovery. Family Courts that do not recognize the impact of pathology on children will often mandate shared custody, causing untold damage to children filtering them into child social service systems. (See our chapter on the impact of pathology on children in our book Women Who Love Psychopaths). PLRs’ impact on our social service system is incalculable.

Helping Our Society Understand and Recover From Pathological Impact

This has been a simplified overview of a complex issue of the systemic impact that pathology makes on our world. To fully discuss it would require a book regarding something like, “The Sociological Impact of Pathology on Societal Resources.” The far reaching effects of pathology are impacting our country in many of ours societal systems.

Of course, the most impact is felt on the personal, or relational, levels where individuals are most harmed. It is in the close proximity to pathology where others are so gravely impacted by another’s lack of empathy, poor impulse control, and lack of insight. Those wounded by pathology are then driven into our systems—into our social services, health care, mental health and criminal justice systems seeking restitution, recuperation, or restoration from pathology.

We believe this is where we can be of most help in our society by bringing our level of understanding to your workplace, whether it is as a school counselor, private practitioner, forensic psychologist, jail counselor, pastoral counselor, marriage and family therapist, DV agency worker, addictions counselor or legal advocate. The newsletter exists to bring specialized awareness and training to those dealing with survivors of pathological love relationships. The impact of pathology has left its thumbprint in our minds, lives, and world, requiring knowledge of PLRs to help others recover.

During our next newsletter we will look at the variety of systemic language regarding pathology and why it has hindered our ability in multi-disciplinary fields to get on ‘the same page’ with ‘Who Does That?’ Following a few introductory newsletters about the issues of pathology, we will begin discussing our research findings about the survivors, and our Model-of-Care approach. We hope you will stay tuned.

Please take a moment to check out the related research and resources regarding pathology and PLRs for your practice listed below.

To read earlier Pathometry Lab articles click HERE

Interested In This Topic?

Our Therapist Training for Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships Model of Care Approach (next training November 2013) includes further elaboration on items related to this topic:

  •  Relationship Dynamics of Pathological Love Relationships
  •  Bonding and Attachment Differentials
  •  Drama and Communication Triangle
  •  Event Cycles of PLRS
  •  What Doesn’t Work in PLR’s
  •  The Institute’s Model of Care Approach

    Next Newsletter

    Join us for our next newsletter when we will discuss more pathocentric ideas related to PLRs.

    Do Your Part

    Public pathology education is everyone’s issue, and if you are learning about pathology, please do your part and teach others what you know.  One way is to share our survivor support-oriented newsletters with your clients. They can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site–there is no cost and it comes out every week. www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

    You can also further public pathology education by sending your colleagues and others who might be working with PLRs to our monthly newsletter. They too can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site and it is complimentary.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

    Here’s how we can help professionals…

    How The Pathometry Lab Can Help You

    This program is designed for professionals who are most likely to encounter the survivors, or the Cluster B partners, in your line of work.  Our Pathometry Lab will offer you:

  •  Articles on issues of clinical relevancy regarding treating the aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships (no charge)
  •  Information on pathology and personality disorders as it relates to survivor’s recovery, marital counseling, addictions perspectives, pastoral views, and other mental health disciplines (no charge)
  •  Recommended reading on pathology (no charge)
  •  Handouts and other pathocentric tools (no charge)
  •  Personalized Institute services for your survivor clients (fee for services)
  •  Products for Professionals related to Pathology (fee for products)
  •  Case Consultations (fee)
  •  Yearly Training Conference (fee)
  •  Tele-Events (fee)
  •  Personalized services for Professionals Wounded by Pathology (fee for services).

    Our goal is to better equip you to be able to spot, intervene, and help the recovery of survivors of PLRs. We hope you will join us monthly for our Pathometry Lab Newsletter.  Most of all let us know if we provide support or education to you in the field of Pathological Love Relationships.

    Next Institute Event

    Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships November 2013 Hilton Head Island, SC.

    https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/services-for-professionals/training

    Relational Harm Reduction Radio

    www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction

    Every Thursday at 8:30 pm starting March 7, 2013

    Call in questions taken.

    RHR University: Coming soon Online Training for Professionals

    JUST FOR FUN!

    Patho-Lingo  Word of the Month:

    Pathognomonic–distinctive characteristics in a disorder

    Narcissus Gazing?

    Sincerely,

    Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

    The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education

    Director of Advanced Professional Education Services

    Cathy Backlund

    Pathometry Lab Newsletter Coordinator

    Nancy Bathe

    Technical Editor

    www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Resources

 

Clinically Relevant Articles

Personality Disorders in Relationships

The Burden of Personality Disorders

Barriers to Effective Management

Neuropsychopharmacology for Cluster Bs

Reading Suggestions

Love Relations–Normality and Pathology, Otto Kernberg, M.D.

Psychopathy: Antisocial, Criminal & Violent Behavior by Millon, Simonsen, Davis & Birket-Smith

The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality by Elsa F. Ronningstan

Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age by George K. Simon, Ph.D.

Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Pathocentric Tools

Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with Otto Kernberg M.D. on Transference Focused Therapy (The Dangerous And Severe Personality Disorders–Cluster B)

Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

30- Minute Lesson: Personality Disorders (Overview of All PDs)

Pathocentric Videos

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Video (Relational)

Video on Borderline Personality Disorder

Video on Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Assessments 

For Anxiety (Survivor Oriented)

Hamilton Anxiety Scale (Survivor Oriented)

Assessment and Medical Case Management in Personality Disorders (Pathological Oriented)

Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

Websites

Safe Relationships Magazine (The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education) : https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Dr. George Simon : http://drgeorgesimon.com/

Psychology Tools : www.psychologytools.org

Dr. Don Dutton : www.drdondutton.com

Professional Journals

 

Journal of Forensic Psychology

Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice & Policy Journal

Survivor Centered Help Aides

The Institute’s Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist

Intrusive Thoughts

Stress Management for Survivors

The Institute’s Resources

Pathological Love Relationships Archive of Articles

DVD Training Set on Cluster B and PLRs 

1. Understanding Destructive and Pathological Relationships

2.  Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: Help for Wounded Women

3.  Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationship: Understanding Pathology and Its Effects on Relational Harm

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Book

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook

Women Who Love Psychopaths

Counseling Victims of Violence 

Maintaining Mindfulness in the Midst of Obsession 2CDs

Healing the Aftermath Relaxation CD

Trainings

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: TBA, Hilton Head Island, SC

Contact us for more information

Help For Wounded Healers

Therapist Care

Are you a professional whose own personal Pathological Love Relationship is impacting your ability to help your clientele, function, or work? Do you need discrete and effective support? Long called ‘the therapist’s therapist’ The Institute provides our same Model-of-Care approach to wounded healers. Let us help you recover and come back stronger so you too can bring Pathological Love Relationship assistance to your own clientele.

_____________________________________________________________________

GENDER DISCLAIMER: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we refer to in our articles. Both male and female can be either the disordered, the partner of the disordered, or both. Our clients, readership and user of our services are approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials or services.  Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders. Our wording merely reflects our market.

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Please be advised The Institute utilizes Intellectual Property Management Services that tracks, detects, and prosecutes the misuse of our copyrighted materials and property.

 

 

Pathometry Newsletter, June 1-2013

 


PATHOMETRY LAB NEWSLETTER

A service of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

Pathometry, noun, The measure of suffering; The distinction of suffering into different types; The perception, recognition, or diagnosing of different types of suffering (as we apply it to Pathological Love Relationships); The determination of the proportionate number of individuals affected with a certain disorder at any given time, and the conditions leading to an increase or decrease in this number.

The Pathometry Newsletter is designed for better understanding the Cluster B continuum range including sociopathy and psychopathy; for the correlation to other co-morbid conditions especially those with inconsistent treatment outcomes; to address the effects of these disorders on relational harm; and to see the impact on sociological systems.


Pathological Love Relationships: Why Specialized Treatment for Survivors and Training for Professionals Is Necessary

Copyrighted© Sandra L. Brown, MA 2013
Issue 1

 

 

Background Info on The Institute
The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education has been an early pioneer in the research and treatment approaches for Pathological Love Relationships (referred to as PLRs). For close to 25 years we have been involved in developing model- of- care approaches for survivor treatment. Additionally, we have been promoting public pathology education for prevention and intervention for survivors, awareness for the general public, and as advanced education for victim service providers.
In those 25 years, we have:
* Created and run our own Trauma Disorder Program
* Provided consultations for other programs
* Trained victim service providers in our model-of-care
* Treated hundreds and hundreds of survivors
* Spoken to thousands in the general public
* Reached millions with the message of “inevitable harm” related to Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs), through television and radio, print publications, our extensive product line of books, articles, e-books, CDs, DVDs and guest blogging on websites such as Psychology Today.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships
https://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Our mission for the new Pathometry Lab Newsletter is simple:

   ~In order to help more survivors, we need to train more professionals.~

The mental health professionals that have been intricately trained by The Institute have lamented that graduate school, face-to-face counseling, and reading about Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs) did not prepare them for the treatment challenges of the survivor of a PLR or +the understanding of the disorders of the partner. Professionals have indicated that by far the most frustrating type of counseling cases have been the Pathological Love Relationship couple, the wounded partner of one of these relationships, and the “identified” problem pathological partner. To help professionals maneuver the challenging “obstacle course” of PLRs, we have dedicated a newsletter solely for you.

This is our kickoff newsletter, so we welcome you to The Pathometry Lab, and are glad you are considering becoming part of the educated solution for these perplexing counseling cases of inevitable harm. So let’s get started–

What Is a PLR?

A Pathological Love Relationship (PLR) is a relationship in which at least one of the partners has serious psychopathology which is likely to negatively affect his or her mate. The Institute specializes in support and treatment of the partners who are/were in relationships with those who have pathology of Axis II, Cluster B Personality Disorders, which include:
•  Borderline Personality Disorder
•  Narcissistic Personality Disorder
•  Anti-Social Personality Disorder
•  And the additional disorders of Sociopathy and Psychopathy

This year we will focus on these Cluster B disorders in our newsletter, and then in the following years we will discuss other pathologies that also can impact relational harm.
(The changes in the upcoming DSM will not derail our discussion of these trait disorders and their effect on others. While diagnostic criteria may change, their behaviors do not consequently their impact on others does not change.)

Why a Closer Look?

In the recent past, PLRs were undifferentiated as the “unique” treatment challenge they have always been.  They typically were often lumped together with other:
* Relationship counseling issues
* Domestic Violence (DV) problems (if that was applicable)
* Other forms of trauma
* Anger Management/Batterer Intervention Mandates
* Addictions.

Over the past 25 years, and hundreds and hundreds of survivors later, we have found PLR’s were continually being treated unsuccessfully with conventional associated theories and treatments. Some PLRs flew completely under the radar depending on how convincing, charming, or deceptive the pathological was. Or the PLR was missed because of the hand wringing paranoia the partner appeared to have, which lead to the belief that there was mutual pathology in the relationship.

Regardless, there has been little relationship theory, or even differentiating trauma theory to understand these complex dynamics within PLR couples and the aftermath experienced by those closest to the disordered partner.

Our research supports that pathology impacts the relational dynamics, victim injury, and future risk, resulting in the need for different treatment modalities. Simply put:
• The relationship dynamics are different
• The (pathological) partner is different
• The victim’s aftermath is different.

Attempted Approaches

What has consistently been at the forefront of problems in treatment for the couple, the survivor of PLR, or the partner, is the missed factor of the existing “pathology.” This simple fact of existing pathology can drastically change what needs to be done differently, and will greatly impact treatment outcomes and client safety.

Historically, when pathology is unrecognized, professionals tend to utilize the theories and approaches most known for their general effectiveness but which do not work with the survivor, the couple, or the pathological partner. In fact, some of the more popular “approaches” are damaging, or even place the survivor at risk of future harm.

The problem is of course, that few of us received training on how to identify and work with partners of the personality disordered while in graduate school. I don’t know about your training on personality disorders, but mine was combined into a Psychopathology class with all the other types of psychopathological disorders. Personality Disorders was given one lecture period to discuss all ten disorders, and of course nothing about their impact on others was even brought up. The lack of applied information in the classroom certainly contributes to the problems mental health professionals find once they are in the field.

To add to that issue, personality disorders are not rare so each of us is likely to have clients, couples, or others, affected by the disorder.  The latest numbers from the NIMH indicated “1 in 5” in a college setting have a personality disorder. This is not “1 in 5 has a Cluster B Disorder’” but 1 in 5 for any of the clusters.  However, this should alert us to the high probability that as mental health professionals we will be dealing with this issue.

During these Pathometry Lab Newsletters, we will be going into more depth about the actual model- of- care approach for survivors but for now, let’s look at what has been traditionally attempted with these high- risk couples, survivors and partners.

Traditional Approaches

Please follow along, and think of one of your cases you suspect as a ‘PLR’ and see if the list below outlines some of the treatment issues you were initially targeting with more traditional theories. Perhaps you were approaching it as a couples counseling issue, a victim of DV (if applicable), a batterer intervention issue (if applicable), an addiction, a divorce, a co-parenting issue, depression from a break- up, or other counseling focus.

• The issue of violence was lumped together with general domestic violence theories and intervention approaches as the primary consideration (not the Cluster B Disorder as the primary consideration).
• The victims of these types of relationships were assessed using existing Victimology theories for both victim etiology and victim treatment approaches. Traditional forms of DV explanation about the perpetrator’s behaviors were given to the partner/victim.
• The unusual relationship dynamics of PLRs were explained with the Power and Control Wheel and the victim response was thought to be related to “codependency” or “Dependent Personality Disorder.” Victim personality traits were often associated with levels of dependent disorders, collapsed boundaries, enmeshment, or assumed to be primarily associated with trauma reactions.
• The couples were treated with traditional forms of relationship counseling.
• Relationship and/or sexual addiction were also often a common view of the dynamics of “intensity of attachment” by the partner/victim. Relationship/sexual addiction were also a possible reason for the cheating/sexual acting out of the partner.
• State dependent learning was sometimes assumed to be dissociation or Stockholm Syndrome.
• Anger management and/or batterer intervention was therapist- recommended or court referred as an accountability approach and an education for the perpetrator on the power dynamics.
• Criminal behavior was mostly equated with familial environments, or sociological and economic factors.
• Drug and alcohol addictions and their impact on relational harm factored in heavily towards understanding the relational dynamics.
• For some, the spiritual abusiveness of relational leadership was also identified and considered as both an individual and marriage problem.
• Traumatology of early childhood, or previous adult unprocessed traumas was searched for.
• Shoring up boundaries, straightening out cognitive distortions, equalizing power distribution, and medication, when applicable, were also considered.
• Communication techniques were used for the struggling couple or approaches like Imago Therapy.
• Co-parenting techniques were attempted with divorcing/divorced couples.

I’d like to say, all of these could be good practices EXCEPT when you are dealing with Pathological Love Relationships. Why is that? How can the pathology of one (or more) partners in the relationship so drastically change the risk factors, treatment approaches, and outcomes?

The reasons behind relational harm in PLRs and solutions for approaches are what we will be systematically approaching through our newsletters.

But intimate partner relational harm is not the only “harm” that happens from this group of disorders. In our next newsletter we will continue our introduction into the topic of PLRs and why we feel specialized training is necessary, by looking at the systemic impact pathology makes to all major societal systems such as the mental health system, the criminal justice system, social service systems, and health care systems.

To find out more about these issues, please take a moment to check out the related research and resources regarding pathology and PLRs for your practice listed below. Our Pathometry Lab will be an accumulative library of resources for you on pathology beginning with the links listed below. The accumulated library will be housed on our main website www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com.  It is the research and resources that are added to each newsletter that will help you educate yourself more fully regarding PLRs.

Interested In This Topic?

Our Therapist Training for Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships Model of Care Approach (next training November 2013) includes further elaboration on items related to this topic:
• Relationship Dynamics of Pathological Love Relationships
• Bonding and Attachment Differentials
• Drama and Communication Triangle
• Event Cycles of PLRS
• What Doesn’t Work in PLR’s
• The Institute’s Model of Care Approach

Next Newsletter
Join us for our next newsletter when we will discuss more pathocentric ideas related to PLRs.

Do Your Part
Public pathology education is everyone’s issue, and if you are learning about pathology, please do your part and teach others what you know.  One way is to share our survivor support-oriented newsletters with your clients. They can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site—there is no cost and it comes out every week. www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

You can also further public pathology education by sending your colleagues and others who might be working with PLRs to our monthly newsletter. They too can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site and it is complimentary.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Here’s how we can help professionals…

How The Pathometry Lab Can Help You
This program is designed for professionals who are most likely to encounter the survivors, or the Cluster B partners, in your line of work.  Our Pathometry Lab will offer you:

• Articles on issues of clinical relevancy regarding treating the aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships (no charge)
• Information on pathology and personality disorders as it relates to survivor’s recovery, marital counseling, addictions perspectives, pastoral views, and other mental health disciplines (no charge)
• Recommended reading on pathology (no charge)
• Handouts and other pathocentric tools (no charge)
• Personalized Institute services for your survivor clients (fee for services)
• Products for Professionals related to Pathology (fee for products)
• Case Consultations (fee)
• Yearly Training Conference (fee)
• Tele-Events (fee)
• Personalized services for Professionals Wounded by Pathology (fee for services).

Our goal is to better equip you to be able to spot, intervene, and help the recovery of survivors of PLRs. We hope you will join us monthly for our Pathometry Lab Newsletter.  Most of all let us know if we provide support or education to you in the field of Pathological Love Relationships.

Next Institute Event

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships November 2013 Hilton Head Island, SC.
https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/services-for-professionals/training

Relational Harm Reduction Radio

www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction
Every Thursday at 8:30 pm starting March 7, 2013
Call in questions taken.

RHR University: Coming soon Online Training for Professionals

JUST FOR FUN!
Patho-Lingo  Word of the Month:
Pathognomonic—distinctive characteristics in a disorder


Narcissus Gazing?

Sincerely,
Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education
Director of Advanced Professional Education Services
Cathy Backlund
Pathometry Lab Newsletter Coordinator
Nancy Bathe
Technical Editor
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Resources

Clinically Relevant Articles

Personality Disorders in Relationships

The Burden of Personality Disorders

Barriers to Effective Management

Neuropsychopharmacology for Cluster Bs

Reading Suggestions

Love Relations—Normality and Pathology, Otto Kernberg, M.D.

Psychopathy: Antisocial, Criminal & Violent Behavior by Millon, Simonsen, Davis & Birket-Smith

The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality by Elsa F. Ronningstan

Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age by George K. Simon, Ph.D.

Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Pathocentric Tools

Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with Otto Kernberg M.D. on Transference Focused Therapy (The Dangerous And Severe Personality Disorders—Cluster B)

Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

30- Minute Lesson: Personality Disorders (Overview of All PDs)

Pathocentric Videos

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Video (Relational)
Video on Borderline Personality Disorder
Video on Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Assessments 

For Anxiety (Survivor Oriented)
Hamilton Anxiety Scale (Survivor Oriented)
Assessment and Medical Case Management in Personality Disorders (Pathological Oriented)
Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

Websites

Safe Relationships Magazine (The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education) : https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Dr. George Simon : http://drgeorgesimon.com/
Psychology Tools : www.psychologytools.org
Dr. Don Dutton : www.drdondutton.com

Professional Journals

Journal of Forensic Psychology

Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice & Policy Journal

Survivor Centered Help Aides

The Institute’s Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist

Intrusive Thoughts

Stress Management for Survivors

The Institute’s Resources

Pathological Love Relationships Archive of Articles

DVD Training Set on Cluster B and PLRs 


1. Understanding Destructive and Pathological Relationships
2.  Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: Help for Wounded Women
3.  Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationship: Understanding Pathology and Its Effects on Relational Harm

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Book

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook

Women Who Love Psychopaths

Counseling Victims of Violence 

 

Maintaining Mindfulness in the Midst of Obsession 2CDs

Healing the Aftermath Relaxation CD

Trainings

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: TBA, Hilton Head Island, SC
Contact us for more information

Help For Wounded Healers

Therapist Care
Are you a professional whose own personal Pathological Love Relationship is impacting your ability to help your clientele, function, or work? Do you need discrete and effective support? Long called ‘the therapist’s therapist’ The Institute provides our same Model-of-Care approach to wounded healers. Let us help you recover and come back stronger so you too can bring Pathological Love Relationship assistance to your own clientele.
_____________________________________________________________________

GENDER DISCLAIMER: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we refer to in our articles. Both male and female can be either the disordered, the partner of the disordered, or both. Our clients, readership and user of our services are approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials or services.  Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders. Our wording merely reflects our market.

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Please be advised The Institute utilizes Intellectual Property Management Services that tracks, detects, and prosecutes the misuse of our copyrighted materials and property.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mental Health Professionals Advanced Education Training

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships

** Coming soon as an online training in a 4 part series.


The Institute’s Model of Care Approach for Pathological Love Relationships with Cluster B Disordered Partners

The Institute will be offering licensed mental health/addiction professionals as well as Domestic Violence Staff  the ability to become trained and certified in The Institute’s Model of Care for Pathological Love Relationship Survivors.

Segments include The Institute’s Grounding Theory of Pathological Relationships based on our new upcoming book related to the principles of The Institute’s Puzzle Pieces of Pathological Love Relationships ©. The concept is built on a foundation of 4 puzzle pieces that describe the elements and results of a pathological love relationship.

4PuzzlePieces-01-09Puzzle Piece #1: A Partner with a Cluster B / Psychopathic Personality Disorder – The basics of pathology

  • The Permanence of pathology and its relationship to Cluster Bs
  • Etiology of pathology
  • The types of pathology that are dangerous in relationships & The Three Inabilities©
  • Neuroscience of Cluster B disorders

Puzzle Piece #2: Dramatic and Erratic Relationship Dynamics – Pathological love relationship dynamics

  • His multi-partnered relational process
  • Dichotomous dynamics and the Jekyll & Hyde phenomenon
  • The use of suggestibility, trance, and hypnotic inductions in relationships
  • Attraction, bonding & intensity
  • Historical relational patterns of selection

Puzzle Piece #3: A Partner with ‘Super Traits’ – The impacts of personality

  • How personality impacts relational dynamics
  • How personality impacts attachment, bonding, and disengagement
  • The Institute & Purdue University’s research findings on Super Traits and Pathological Love Relationships
  • Trait elevations & risk
  • Original trauma and impact to self-perceptual injuries
  • Super Traits and their effect on relationship selection & relational targeting

Puzzle Piece #4: Extreme Aftermath Symptoms – Therapeutic interventions & psychotherapy processes

  • PTSD
  • Treatment issues related to PTSD
  • Patient self care and PTSD approaches
  • Super Traits & treatment impact
  • Cognitive dissonance and its connection to pathological love relationships
  • Specific patient approaches/Model of Care treatment for crisis, short term, and long term treatment

To get more information about the online training

If you are interested in taking the online course when it is released and wish to be added to our waiting list, please email Training for Professionals via the Contact Us form in the right hand sidebar. Course information, dates, prices, how to enroll, etc. will be posted on the website when it becomes available and those on the waiting list will be informed that the course is open and detailed information has been published.

To get more information about private training for your organization

If you would like to request private training for your organization, email us through the Contact Us form using the Organizational training option. Specify that you are interested in private training for your organization, your desired time frame, and complete contact information including your name, the organization’s name, and a phone number where we can reach you.

To get more information about the development of a professional Association

The interest in both providing services and acquiring education has been growing in a new and emerging genre of counseling and training on the dynamics of Narcissistic & Psychopathic Victim Syndrome. To learn more about the professional Association which is currently in the preliminary development phase…

Finding Competent Help for Your Recovery

By now if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love relationship and can’t find effective and knowledgeable counseling you have probably figured out what we have…that the pathological love relationship is NOT widely understood.

Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as “codependent” or “mutually addictive” or merely “emotional abuse.” Women jump from counselor to counselor and from group counseling experience-to-group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.

She looks for some understanding at ‘what’ is wrong with him. Labeling him an ‘abuser’ doesn’t quite cover the extensive array of brilliant psychopathic tendencies he has. Why was SHE targeted by him? Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time? Why do her symptoms more resemble ‘mind control’ than mere ‘abused woman syndrome?’ Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakeable than any other man? Is it abuse if he never physically harms you but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?

What we are finding out from our research about women who have been in pathological love relationships is that all the normal dynamics of regular relationships DON’T apply to these types. All the normal dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON’T apply to these types either. No wonder women can’t find the help they need…it hasn’t been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON’T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers and in other abuse situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters. Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other ‘typologies.’ And their current symptoms don’t match the simply ‘dysfunctional’ love relationship.

Could it be that the dynamics in a pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships? Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren’t helped by the more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships? Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling? And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it? Why are these women’s personality traits so vastly different then shelter women? Or abused women?

Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors-not-understanding-psychopathology/family-lumping-all-relationship-types-together/ friends-saying-‘just-get-over-it’/ and counseling-programs-telling-she’s-just-codependent. Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people ‘not getting it.’ Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships because all relationships are not created equal. Especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self concept, and recovery deters a woman’s ability to heal. Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.

The Institute developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone coaching program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs specifically geared to ‘Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,’ our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, and our 40+ products all developed to teach pathology to others.

Why? Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident. Our mailing list writes us week after week asking “Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon…? Why don’t other counselors understand this? Why can’t anyone explain to me what is going on! If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I’m going to scream! Why is this so hard to understand?”

Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same ‘misunderstanding phase’ that other theories of counseling have gone through. When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders. Unfortunately, those that suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.

The Institute operates as a public psychopathy education project which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology–that includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships. Please bear with an entirely new emerging field of psychology that is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this population of people. After all, until us no one had even bothered to STUDY the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types. No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships. So to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.

As an Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to needs. In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach–our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people, our blogs we write for other websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! helps us to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise, our list of books, CDs and DVDs that are in every country of the world, our expanded retreat format, private 1:1’s with Sandra, our telephone assessments and coaching which doubled in size this year, our weekly teleconferencing support groups, and our Therapist Training Program–all are born out of our desire to reach YOU! As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the need. That’s because we recognize that the services available out there are slim. We provide what we can knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the need that exists. So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services many women will go untreated.

I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist. Please remain hopeful that not only this Institute but other therapists and agencies hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you. We too are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach.

Over the past year or two there has been a proliferation of survivor-based websites, blogs, newsletters, blog radio shows, and chat forums that have jumped in to fill the need between what you need and what ‘is’ out there for support or assistance. (We appreciate that every new blog is pathology information reaching new victims!) Lately we have been asked what constitutes effective help for the aftermath symptoms. Those suffering with stress related disorders, intrusive thoughts/obsessional thinking as well as PTSD and other anxiety-based disorders are often surprised to find that chat forums INCREASE their symptoms. It seems counter-intuitive that the thing you want most to do (process it, talk about it, and roll it around in your head) may be the very thing that increases intrusive thoughts and autonomic adrenaline response in your body. “But it’s the first time someone has understood” or “I feel so at home with others like me” is a common feeling associated with the huge relief after finding a forum that you resonate with. And I am sure lots of people will disagree with me about the use of chat forums. Unfortunately, we have spent a great deal of time ‘cleaning up’ symptoms that have increased in survivors while surfing the net, chatting in forums or finding survivor-support blogs that don’t clinically understand PTSD or what helps/hinders it.

While survivor blogs and websites may have the ‘right heart’ when it comes to offering a ‘place for survivors’ please be aware that these sites are not professional clinicians. They may have lived through a pathological relationship, but it is questionable if they are competent to offer guidance on your array of mental health problems. In fact, if what they do offer triggers you, they are not likely to know what to do or be able to provide it.

While we exist to help all survivors, it is increasing difficult for us to clean up the emotional meltdowns caused from too much exposure to things that trigger your autonomic response of adrenaline, depression or anxiety generated from non-clinical websites. It’s also a reason we only used master degreed professionals for our phone support.

Here are our recommendations:

We suggest that you find a trauma therapist skilled in PTSD. We are happy to provide a training DVD to her that helps her get up to speed on Pathological Love Relationships so she can understand why your aftermath is so severe.

Finding an EMDR or Hypnosis Therapist are considered ‘gentle therapies’ and easiest on your own biological system as you can work through your symptoms.

When your symptoms have minimized, consider finding a support program (phone group or in person group).

STOP group whenever/if ever your are re-triggered (recovery is about pacing your level of exposure to things that are triggering).

Limit your exposure to triggering events such as chat forums or too much ‘other victim-oriented’ story sharing.

Practice a stress relieving lifestyle (you have a stress disorder!)

Find beauty in things that instill hope for a future.

Most of all, don’t give up hope. We are an emerging new psychology field! We are where Domestic Violence was in the 1970’s and 80’s–we are blazing a new frontier!

Hopefully these tips will help you select competent services for your own recovery. Let us know how if we can be of help.

Intense Attachments

Women in these relationships and their family members who watch her relationship dynamics all wonder about **why** this dangerous guy is so hard to leave. While all the people around her have the easy and rational answers of how and why she should leave, the disengagement and detachment is harder with pathological persons than anyone else.

No one knows this better than her. At the heart of the attachment is the intensity of bonding produced in a relationship that has an ’emotional vortex’ pull. Much like magnets pointed towards each other, the draw and pull and staying power of pathologicals is not like other relationship dynamics. As we study these particular attachments we see that there are unusual qualities to the relationships that even the women can’t define or adequately describe. This includes the dichotomous thinking often seen in ‘mind control,’ the hypnotic engagement often seen in trauma, and the betrayal bonding often seen in sexual addiction. Combined, this power cocktail renders her not only entranced by paralyzed from action.

Normal motivations do not motivate her. Not her current roller-coaster mental health, her other family relationships, her declining health, her children, her

job or any other force that would usually rally her to her own self care. No wonder people who care about her are baffled that a high functioning, bright, proactive woman has been reduced to a catatonic/hypnotized/brain washed version of her former self.

An hour a week at the counselor’s office has done little to unwedge her from this super-glued relationship. It hasn’t recognized the hypnotic en-trancement, the growing PTSD symptoms, the cognitive loops and entrenched dichotomous thinking. It hasn’t unveiled the death grip that pathologicals can have on a squirming victim. Or the mind control that sucks the willpower and brain function from her.

Physically and emotionally exhausted from the too-many-go-rounds with him, there isn’t enough left of her to fight her way out or even think her way out. Many women now suffer from Chronic Fatigue from the wearing process with the pathological. Without the emotional resources and physical strength, her lethargy just ‘allows’ the relationship to roll like waves over the top of her. Without help or intervention, she is likely to have a complete physical break down including severe medical problems, sleep disruptions, mental confusion, panic attacks, anxiety, depression and more. Women have developed auto immune disease and cardiac problems in the middle of these acutely stressful relationships.

With all of their resources sapped and their concentration at a near record low, many have had to quit their jobs, have been fired, been in car accidents or sporting injuries because of the inability to concentrate. Taking an inventory of just ‘what it has cost her’ to be in a relationship with a pathological is often the first step towards education.

The disengagement process is a supported function often by counselors or The Institute in which education, acceptance of his diagnosis, self care re-initiation, symptom management and then the full recovery process is necessary. Some need short term programs that help them kick start their own recovery such as our retreats or intensives with Sandra.

Many of the women have PTSD now from the exposure to the pathological. PTSD worsens without treatment, with added stress, and with time. Some where she has to find the counseling resources in order to return her to a life she use to know before the pathological. This includes finding support people, support groups, coaching, specific focused books and audios on the subject, and if needed, retreat or residential programs. If this describes your current situation, get what you need to heal now–to minimize the effects of intrusive and ping ponging thoughts. Most of all, the intensity of attachment in order to be broken must first be understood. Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships is a great tool for loosening the pathological’s emotional death grip.

Love Lessons: the Moving Tale of a Mother Who Tried to Love a RAD Child from Russia – Part III

Excerpt from the Foreward from “Love Lessons,” a Soon-to-be-Published Book

Part III – October 2009

The “wounded healer” is a prevailing archetype of our time. If and when we can honor our path to wholeness with integrity and fierce honesty and love and compassion, faith and humor, we can then help others to do the same on their journey. There is symmetry in balance in coming to the conclusion, that those, who can most help the hurt and the traumatized children among us, are those who have taken on their own journey, healed their own trauma, and left no stone unturned.

As Jody writes about Victoria:

She is fighting a battle, daily, to free her heart. She didn’t even know she had a heart at war. It’s the only heart she has ever known. That sounds eerily familiar to me. This journey is the exact one that I was on. She was trying to free her heart of the very same things I was, so that her capacity to feel love and express empathy would increase. I don’t know who could understand and know the pain I have felt except for Victoria her. And I was raised in a home with loving parents and a family. She was a lone orphan living in an institution. Five thousand miles away in an institution. Our paths cross and we helped each other fix what we could not do for ourselves.

“From his mom.” she replied, like I should have already known. “That’s where everyone learns love lessons.”

What are the conditions that precipitate or necessitate a thorough self examination are not of the greatest importance. Only that we do it, and continue to do it, until we are done, and as it comes up again and again. More encouragement, landmarks and guideposts along this journey, are often necessary and always welcome. Moms and dads often report feeling lost.

I thank Jody and Jason for sharing all of the paths and passageways along their journey with Victoria us all. I hope it is of help to parents and professionals alike.

Daniel Siegel, MD, and his colleagues have made great contributions to our understanding of Developmental Neuropsychology. Through advances in technology, this research area has been able to demonstrate that theories of attachment are hard wired in brain development. His findings support his conclusion that the “coherent narrative” of the mother, (of the primary bonding figure) is the single greatest factor that determines whether the child will be able to successfully bond and attach to the mother, to the bonding figure.

Fonagy from Great Britain have shown that the attachment pattern of an adopted child will mirror that of the adoptive parent after 3 months of placement.

When children from hard places are taken into the home, what appeared even at deep levels as the “coherent narrative” of the mother and father, can be terribly shaken up by these children. The children’s trauma history is so powerful and pervasive; It is routinely filled with rejection, trauma, in utero drug and alcohol exposure; exposure to violence, and/or overcrowded orphanages. Therefore, their core belief system has concluded I will not bond. I will not be loved. It is safer to reject, before I am rejected…. AGAIN!

Helping birth children make a safe passage from childhood to increasing levels of healthy independence, while remaining attached to family, can give a parent an understandable sense of accomplishment, pride and a certain security in one’s ability as a mother and father. Parenting traumatized, and attachment challenged children will provide the opposite experience of oneself as a parent.

Mothers like Miss Bean, who have raised her sons so well, are qualified to bear witness to the fire, that burns when a “good home” takes in a child from a “hard place.”. The courage required of such a journey is unparalleled. She and her husband, Jason, survived, and can now tell the story so that mothers, fathers, and professionals anywhere can learn as witness to this journey. And since mothers, fathers, and even professionals are routinely if not always heard to say that they need information about this challenge, it is my hope that this can be a resource for adoptive mothers, and those, who try to support these families.

Understanding and treating Attachment disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment challenges, or problems resulting from pervasive sanctuary trauma, of the very young, have had a short and controversial history in psychiatry and psychology. Research literature has focused on attachment as a relationship between two people. Some in the treatment field have placed the onus of change on the traumatized child. Thus, treatment and research have often diverged. Universities study the attachment relationship to great gains in understanding. Treatment focuses on attachment disorder as a problem that the “traumatized” child brings to the relationship.

In a way, this different focus for treatment providers is understandable. A loving family, with great morals and values takes a child in. The child rejects the families love. Is that the families’ fault? No it is not. And yet, what experience and perspective are teaching us, is that taking in children from hard places, will often times, test a marriage, a relationship, a parent, to its very core. It is said that adoption of traumatized and attachment challenged children results in an 85% divorce rate. This seems believable. If there is a chink in the armor within a parent or within a family, it will be identified, exploited, amplified and exacerbated by taking these children into one’s home. Families, who take these children in need to be understood, supported and applauded for the challenges they take on for the future of society.

I knew it was difficult to understand from the outside looking in but the suspicion was hurtful. Other people thought they could provide what I am not giving. So did I, once upon a time. Just more love. I have loved this girl more than anyone despite what I could not do for her. This love brought her to our home. This love allowed her to stay. This love will mend her. This love will allow her to love others. And despite what they thought, they had not seen her love. – p.150

Should these families be vilified, ridiculed and unappreciated? Or should these families be seen as the last man on the dike, trying to hold the water back, before it blows for good! Should we be GRATEFUL? Why are these ladies judged so harshly..

James Heckman, Nobel Prize winner for Economics, 2000, demonstrated that in North America at the year 2000 about 10% of our families are high risk families and use up the vast majority of community mental health resources in this country. If current trends in birth rates continue, then by the turn of the century, we may have 25% of the population at high risk. We can not support a democracy if ¼ of the population is at risk. As Dr. Bruce Perry demonstrates, most of our monies spent on “changing” people are spent when children are adolescents and young adults, i.e. once they enter the criminal justice system, and to a lesser extent psychiatric hospitals. If we want to make a difference, then we need to put our resources to work at the beginning of life. Ninety percent of brain development occurs in first 3 to 4 years of life. Personality and core beliefs are formed by that age. The attachment patterns observed at 12 to 18 months of age, will prevail across the lifespan, barring the untimely death of a parent, or major change in life circumstances, illness, poverty, violence, addictions while the child is still very young.

Families, who take on damaged, neglected and rejected children, are working for all of us, and for our children’s future. As an industry, we simply have to do a better job of preparing families for the challenges routinely inherent in adoption and foster care. As a people and a society, we need to encourage and accommodate any and all willing families, who are able to do this work or act of love.

In “Love Lessons,” we do take the intimate journey with Jody Bean, her husband Jason, her daughter, Victoria, her family and her therapist, through the challenges and traps inherent in bringing a traumatized child “home,” and keeping her home. It is challenging, but both mother and child can be transformed in the process of going through the fire. Miss Bean shows us the way in, and the way through. I thank her and
everyone around her for making this journey successfully, and furthermore for making it available to the rest of us.

Love Lessons: the Moving Tale of a Mother Who Tried to Love a RAD Child from Russia – Part II

Excerpt from the Foreward from “Love Lessons,” a Soon-to-be-Published Book

Part II – September 2009

What Miss Bean and the best research universities are telling us now, is that there is a path to redemption, even at these lowest moments. What Dr. Foster Cline discovered and taught after decades of working with these families, is that there are two things that make a difference for families that survive and succeed with the attachment challenged / traumatized child: A sense of faith, and a sense of humor. Miss Bean is shaken to the very foundations of her faith as she takes the necessary, fiercely and brutally honest look at her own history. Thank God that her faith was rooted in a secure foundation for she was shaken to her core. Because of this she was able to heal, and to accept herself as people with a strong faith in a loving Creator and Savior are able to do. As Dr. Purvis has taught, each of us can earn a “healthy, secure attachment pattern.” Sometimes a healthy marriage or attachment in adolescence and adulthood can help to achieve that. Even with that, many of us need to go back and resolve and grieve the unresolved hurt and trauma from our past. As experience has proven, it takes about 6 months to 2 years of a fiercely honest review of our childhood and past. The goal is not to stop at anger, projection and blame. The goal of this review and self examination is to keep our eye on developing a sense of forgiveness, and even blessedly a sense of humor about our own history, our family, our first teachers and theirs. It can be done. It has to be done.

Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. Steven Cross of TCU’s center for Child Development have developed TBRI, or the Trust Based Relational Intervention. Their research has shown us that most families, who typically bring children from hard places home, have wounds of their own. Many of these parents are children of alcoholics. Their early programming entailed taking care of those, who could not take care of themselves. Not by conscious choice, but by unconscious core beliefs, perceptions and programming, they are drawn to take care of those, who need help and protection, who are so challenged to take care of themselves; and who also find it so challenging to accept those, who can take care of them.

Or, as Jodi Bean points out the “tear” in the fabric of an otherwise healthy secure attachment can be caused by death or divorce. Research on attachment patterns, since the end of WW II, has consistently and repeatedly demonstrated that the infants’ attachment patterns at 12 to 18 months of age, will naturally endure, persist and prevail over the life span. Miss Bean’s personal experience bears out the research data. Death or divorce of a parent, while the child is still young can compromise a healthy secure attachment pattern. Such an experience will be experienced, interpreted and internalized as a threat to the developing psyche and developing child.

Miss Bean repeats often, what we nearly universally hear from mother’s, who take in these children: If only I could have known. If only I would have had the information earlier, a year, five years, a generation earlier… Please just prepare me. Another email from a mom today…

Two of our Ethiopian children are not living at home now, one of them wants to come back and hang out all the time, the other hates us. The others are all doing quite well. My only regret with adoption is that no one explained RAD (Reactive Attachment Dirsorder) to me until I was several years into it, I was totally clueless. I think I could have been much more successful if I had been prepared and understood what was happening.

Of course to sit in judgment of these mothers and fathers, who have taken in children from very hard places, is smug, irresponsible, damaging and dim witted, even if it is natural, almost unavoidable. We all believe we could do better. I think it must be biologically wired into our perception and response systems as people, as adults. We believe that our love, our firmness, our strength, our discipline, our playfulness could create a different outcome. Mothers like Jody, constantly hear advice from everyone, including their own mothers; e.g. love her more; be more strict; get him into athletics, activities, etc… We see mother’s trying to take the children out in public, in stores, parks, churches and airports. The children tantrum, and give doe eyes to the unsuspecting. Well intentioned adults fawn and feel sorry for the children. The damage this does at seemingly innocuous or safe settings, such as school and church and family gatherings is often irreparable.

I was getting suspecting looks from the teacher’s aide that felt like she needed to provide Victoria with everything it appeared she wasn’t getting at home. This was a familiar response to me, even from my own family members. I knew it was difficult to understand from the outside looking in but the suspicion was hurtful.

“So as hard as it was, for me, it was the right thing to pull her out of the last few months of school. What it simply came down to was this: I couldn’t compete with anyone else. I would always lose to the shallowness of attention. Victoria always chose the schoolteacher, the Sunday School teacher, the smiling stranger primarily because they were unsuspecting. She could draw attention out of them and not have to give anything in return. My love was scary to her. My love wanted to give and take”. Reciprocity was required.

As Dr. Purvis and Dr Bruce Perry, and the entire literature on Bonding and Attachment, since John Bowlby established the field, have demonstrated, the spectrum of parenting that can be successful with bonded and attached birth children can be very broad. Whereas the successful strategies demanded to re-parent traumatized, damaged and rejected children, is incredibly narrow. As one parent, who is himself a doctor, continued to experience in his struggles with his adopted children often stated, “this is “Professional Parenting” that is required.” And it is. Some would say pragmatic or practical, rather than professional. What these parents seem to mean is that, like a well trained mental health professional, parents can not take what these children do personally. If a parent gets their feelings hurt by the child, they will likely not be able to survive, much less succeed as a family with these children. If a parent wants or needs to feel loved by their child, they are in a very dangerous place.

Parental Challenges

Love Lessons: the Moving Tale of a Mother Who Tried to Love a RAD Child from Russia

Excerpt from the Foreward from “Love Lessons,” a Soon-to-be-Published Book

by: James Dumesnil, M.S., LPCMHC, CCFC

Part IV – November 2009

Continued from last month….

The “wounded healer” is a prevailing archetype of our time.  If and when we can honor our path to wholeness with integrity and fierce honesty and love and compassion, faith and humor, we can then help others to do the same on their journey.  There is symmetry in balance in coming to the conclusion, that those, who can most help the hurt and the traumatized children among us, are those who have taken on their own journey, healed their own trauma, and left no stone unturned.

As Jody writes about Victoria:

She is fighting a battle, daily, to free her heart.  She didn’t even know she had a heart at war.  It’s the only heart she has ever known. That sounds eerily familiar to me. This journey is the exact one that I was on.  She was trying to free her heart of the very same things I was, so that her capacity to feel love and express empathy would increase.  I don’t know who could understand and know the pain I have felt except for Victoria her.  And I was raised in a home with loving parents and a family. She was a lone orphan living in an institution.  Five thousand miles away in an institution. Our paths cross and we helped each other fix what we could not do for ourselves.

“From his mom.” she replied, like I should have already known. “That’s where everyone learns love lessons.”

What are the conditions that precipitate or necessitate a thorough self examination are not of the greatest importance.  Only that we do it, and continue to do it, until we are done, and as it comes up again and again.  More encouragement, landmarks and guideposts along this journey, are often necessary and always welcome.  Moms and dads often report feeling lost.

I thank Jody and Jason for sharing all of the paths and passageways along their journey with Victoria us all.  I hope it is of help to parents and professionals alike.


Part III – October 2009

Continued from last month….

Daniel Siegel, MD, and his colleagues have made great contributions to our understanding of Developmental Neuropsychology. Through advances in technology, this research area has been able to demonstrate that theories of attachment are hard wired in brain development. His findings support his conclusion that the “coherent narrative” of the mother, (of the primary bonding figure) is the single greatest factor that determines whether the child will be able to successfully bond and attach to the mother, to the bonding figure.

Fonagy from Great Britain have shown that the attachment pattern of an adopted child will mirror that of the adoptive parent after 3 months of placement.

When children from hard places are taken into the home, what appeared even at deep levels as the “coherent narrative” of the mother and father, can be terribly shaken up by these children. The children’s trauma history is so powerful and pervasive; It is routinely filled with rejection, trauma, in utero drug and alcohol exposure; exposure to violence, and/or overcrowded orphanages. Therefore, their core belief system has concluded I will not bond. I will not be loved. It is safer to reject, before I am rejected…. AGAIN!

Helping birth children make a safe passage from childhood to increasing levels of healthy independence, while remaining attached to family, can give a parent an understandable sense of accomplishment, pride and a certain security in one’s ability as a mother and father. Parenting traumatized, and attachment challenged children will provide the opposite experience of oneself as a parent.

Mothers like Miss Bean, who have raised her sons so well, are qualified to bear witness to the fire, that burns when a “good home” takes in a child from a “hard place.”. The courage required of such a journey is unparalleled. She and her husband, Jason, survived, and can now tell the story so that mothers, fathers, and professionals anywhere can learn as witness to this journey. And since mothers, fathers, and even professionals are routinely if not always heard to say that they need information about this challenge, it is my hope that this can be a resource for adoptive mothers, and those, who try to support these families.

Understanding and treating Attachment disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Attachment challenges, or problems resulting from pervasive sanctuary trauma, of the very young, have had a short and controversial history in psychiatry and psychology. Research literature has focused on attachment as a relationship between two people. Some in the treatment field have placed the onus of change on the traumatized child. Thus, treatment and research have often diverged. Universities study the attachment relationship to great gains in understanding. Treatment focuses on attachment disorder as a problem that the “traumatized” child brings to the relationship.

In a way, this different focus for treatment providers is understandable. A loving family, with great morals and values takes a child in. The child rejects the families love. Is that the families’ fault? No it is not. And yet, what experience and perspective are teaching us, is that taking in children from hard places, will often times, test a marriage, a relationship, a parent, to its very core. It is said that adoption of traumatized and attachment challenged children results in an 85% divorce rate. This seems believable. If there is a chink in the armor within a parent or within a family, it will be identified, exploited, amplified and exacerbated by taking these children into one’s home. Families, who take these children in need to be understood, supported and applauded for the challenges they take on for the future of society.

I knew it was difficult to understand from the outside looking in but the suspicion was hurtful. Other people thought they could provide what I am not giving. So did I, once upon a time. Just more love. I have loved this girl more than anyone despite what I could not do for her. This love brought her to our home. This love allowed her to stay. This love will mend her. This love will allow her to love others. And despite what they thought, they had not seen her love. – p.150

Should these families be vilified, ridiculed and unappreciated? Or should these families be seen as the last man on the dike, trying to hold the water back, before it blows for good! Should we be GRATEFUL? Why are these ladies judged so harshly..

James Heckman, Nobel Prize winner for Economics, 2000, demonstrated that in North America at the year 2000 about 10% of our families are high risk families and use up the vast majority of community mental health resources in this country. If current trends in birth rates continue, then by the turn of the century, we may have 25% of the population at high risk. We can not support a democracy if ¼ of the population is at risk. As Dr. Bruce Perry demonstrates, most of our monies spent on “changing” people are spent when children are adolescents and young adults, i.e. once they enter the criminal justice system, and to a lesser extent psychiatric hospitals. If we want to make a difference, then we need to put our resources to work at the beginning of life. Ninety percent of brain development occurs in first 3 to 4 years of life. Personality and core beliefs are formed by that age. The attachment patterns observed at 12 to 18 months of age, will prevail across the lifespan, barring the untimely death of a parent, or major change in life circumstances, illness, poverty, violence, addictions while the child is still very young.

Families, who take on damaged, neglected and rejected children, are working for all of us, and for our children’s future. As an industry, we simply have to do a better job of preparing families for the challenges routinely inherent in adoption and foster care. As a people and a society, we need to encourage and accommodate any and all willing families, who are able to do this work or act of love.

In “Love Lessons,” we do take the intimate journey with Jody Bean, her husband Jason, her daughter, Victoria, her family and her therapist, through the challenges and traps inherent in bringing a traumatized child “home,” and keeping her home. It is challenging, but both mother and child can be transformed in the process of going through the fire. Miss Bean shows us the way in, and the way through. I thank her and
everyone around her for making this journey successfully, and furthermore for making it available to the rest of us.


Part II – September 2009

Continued from last month….

What Miss Bean and the best research universities are telling us now, is that there is a path to redemption, even at these lowest moments. What Dr. Foster Cline discovered and taught after decades of working with these families, is that there are two things that make a difference for families that survive and succeed with the attachment challenged / traumatized child: A sense of faith, and a sense of humor. Miss Bean is shaken to the very foundations of her faith as she takes the necessary, fiercely and brutally honest look at her own history. Thank God that her faith was rooted in a secure foundation for she was shaken to her core. Because of this she was able to heal, and to accept herself as people with a strong faith in a loving Creator and Savior are able to do. As Dr. Purvis has taught, each of us can earn a “healthy, secure attachment pattern.” Sometimes a healthy marriage or attachment in adolescence and adulthood can help to achieve that. Even with that, many of us need to go back and resolve and grieve the unresolved hurt and trauma from our past. As experience has proven, it takes about 6 months to 2 years of a fiercely honest review of our childhood and past. The goal is not to stop at anger, projection and blame. The goal of this review and self examination is to keep our eye on developing a sense of forgiveness, and even blessedly a sense of humor about our own history, our family, our first teachers and theirs. It can be done. It has to be done.

Dr. Karyn Purvis and Dr. Steven Cross of TCU’s center for Child Development have developed TBRI, or the Trust Based Relational Intervention. Their research has shown us that most families, who typically bring children from hard places home, have wounds of their own. Many of these parents are children of alcoholics. Their early programming entailed taking care of those, who could not take care of themselves. Not by conscious choice, but by unconscious core beliefs, perceptions and programming, they are drawn to take care of those, who need help and protection, who are so challenged to take care of themselves; and who also find it so challenging to accept those, who can take care of them.

Or, as Jodi Bean points out the “tear” in the fabric of an otherwise healthy secure attachment can be caused by death or divorce. Research on attachment patterns, since the end of WW II, has consistently and repeatedly demonstrated that the infants’ attachment patterns at 12 to 18 months of age, will naturally endure, persist and prevail over the life span. Miss Bean’s personal experience bears out the research data. Death or divorce of a parent, while the child is still young can compromise a healthy secure attachment pattern. Such an experience will be experienced, interpreted and internalized as a threat to the developing psyche and developing child.

Miss Bean repeats often, what we nearly universally hear from mother’s, who take in these children: If only I could have known. If only I would have had the information earlier, a year, five years, a generation earlier… Please just prepare me. Another email from a mom today…

Two of our Ethiopian children are not living at home now, one of them wants to come back and hang out all the time, the other hates us. The others are all doing quite well. My only regret with adoption is that no one explained RAD (Reactive Attachment Dirsorder) to me until I was several years into it, I was totally clueless. I think I could have been much more successful if I had been prepared and understood what was happening.

Of course to sit in judgment of these mothers and fathers, who have taken in children from very hard places, is smug, irresponsible, damaging and dim witted, even if it is natural, almost unavoidable. We all believe we could do better. I think it must be biologically wired into our perception and response systems as people, as adults. We believe that our love, our firmness, our strength, our discipline, our playfulness could create a different outcome. Mothers like Jody, constantly hear advice from everyone, including their own mothers; e.g. love her more; be more strict; get him into athletics, activities, etc… We see mother’s trying to take the children out in public, in stores, parks, churches and airports. The children tantrum, and give doe eyes to the unsuspecting. Well intentioned adults fawn and feel sorry for the children. The damage this does at seemingly innocuous or safe settings, such as school and church and family gatherings is often irreparable.

I was getting suspecting looks from the teacher’s aide that felt like she needed to provide Victoria with everything it appeared she wasn’t getting at home. This was a familiar response to me, even from my own family members. I knew it was difficult to understand from the outside looking in but the suspicion was hurtful.

“So as hard as it was, for me, it was the right thing to pull her out of the last few months of school. What it simply came down to was this: I couldn’t compete with anyone else. I would always lose to the shallowness of attention. Victoria always chose the schoolteacher, the Sunday School teacher, the smiling stranger primarily because they were unsuspecting. She could draw attention out of them and not have to give anything in return. My love was scary to her. My love wanted to give and take”. Reciprocity was required.

As Dr. Purvis and Dr Bruce Perry, and the entire literature on Bonding and Attachment, since John Bowlby established the field, have demonstrated, the spectrum of parenting that can be successful with bonded and attached birth children can be very broad. Whereas the successful strategies demanded to re-parent traumatized, damaged and rejected children, is incredibly narrow. As one parent, who is himself a doctor, continued to experience in his struggles with his adopted children often stated, “this is “Professional Parenting” that is required.” And it is. Some would say pragmatic or practical, rather than professional. What these parents seem to mean is that, like a well trained mental health professional, parents can not take what these children do personally. If a parent gets their feelings hurt by the child, they will likely not be able to survive, much less succeed as a family with these children. If a parent wants or needs to feel loved by their child, they are in a very dangerous place.

Continued next month…


Part I – August 2009

  • A mother’s journey.
  • A child’s pain.
  • A mother’s heart being shredded.
  • A child who thinks she is protecting herself.

Great family, great parents, great loving marriage…  The family believes it can help others less fortunate.  Then… the traumatized child is brought home, and mother’s love is tested, challenged, doubted and put through the fire, like non-traumatized birth children can never do.

I explained to Victoria that I thought I was prepared to bring her into our family. I wanted her here but when she came, she was mean and angry. “ I tried so hard to love you until I became mean and angry. I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t know what to do for you and I am sorry.”

Jodi Bean has given a gift to the general public and to the field of psychology and human development. A recent 20/20 gave America a glimpse into the homes of families, who have adopted children, especially from Russia. Many thought it was startling to see the rage and explosiveness of these young children. Most of the families, who have adopted traumatized children made statements about the documentary like, “That was mild. I wish my children were that good…”

From the outside, none of us can appreciate how difficult the families’ journey truly is. Teachers, neighbors, even relatives see how “cute” the child is. We, who work with these children and families, have come to know cute as the “C” word. The families we work with can not stand to hear the “C” word anymore. The “cute” appearance hides the tragedy and trauma within. The “cute” persona conceals the torment and torture this child is putting the family and herself through.

“We were at relative’s home. Victoria came up to me on the couch and was being very affectionate. This was unusual at this point. Later, when we got into the car, I asked what that was all about. She replied, “I wanted them to think I was nice to you.” – p. 71

It is hard for most of us to imagine that children can be so destructive and so tormented. But we need to “GET IT!” as a culture, as a people, and certainly as an industry that endeavors to help families and educate children. Children are innocent until … they are not. Once they have been neglected, hurt and abused, once there have been assaults to developmental progressions, there is really no limit to the amount of damage that can be wrought.

“Love Lessons” takes us inside the home, the hearth and the heart of a family determined to love a child, who has been programmed and conditioned to not accept love and family. The strategies a hurt child can employ for rejecting this love are endless and countless. The pattern is painfully predictable and shared by all. The children create “tests” for the parents to fail. Then the child can remain secure with the belief system, “I knew I would not be loved. I knew it would not work out. I knew I belong alone. I am different. I do not deserve this family, this love, or any family, any love.…”

Conscience development can only happen when a child internalizes their mother, father or primary caregiver. When an infant child suffers “sanctuary trauma” i.e. trauma at the hands of the one, who is supposed to keep the child safe, and in the home, where the child should find protection and sanctuary, then that child can be expected to be programmed not to trust. The values and belief systems thus internalized, even for a pre-verbal child, are that adults and the world can not be trusted.

Many of these “children from hard places” are brought home by families, who believe they can love the unlovable. They firmly believe their love and their faith can heal the most wounded. Mom and Dad seem to believe, “I can love anyone back to faith in love, and trust in people and God.” As the children have the exact opposite programming and core belief, what can follow is sometimes a clash of Olympian proportions. Miss Bean, brings us inside of this struggle. She has the courage and integrity to openly disclose the terror and gut wrenching pain that a mother faces, when she starts to “hate” her child. A mother who never knew she could hate a child, much less her own. The self doubt and self deprecation that follow are ever so poignant, powerful and painful.

There was something else I knew I had to deal with and that was my good friend, guilt. I felt sorrow–– deep sorrow for her beginning in life and her beginning in her second life. I don’t usually live with regrets. I had avoided them for most of my life or let them go, but there was one hanging on for dear life–– my initial responses to Victoria were the opposite of everything I thought I was. That is why for so long I didn’t even really know who I was. I was angry, mean, yelling, vindictive, depressed, anxious, and clinging onto control that was slipping away. I felt weak. I felt like I was everything I had vowed not to be. It was completely breaking my heart and my spirit. These responses to her and my quest for justification brought me to the depths of sorrow.

As soon as I began to learn the motivations behind her behaviors, the first thing I had to do was walk that ever personal road of repentance and forgiveness. I, with miracles working in my heart, was able to completely forgive her for the things she was not even accountable for. I was able to let go of all the animosity and resentment. I did not hang onto any anger or justification. I had no idea how it was going to happen but it did. And that was the easy part. If there really was one.

Even with that knowledge, I could not let guilt go. The guilt that followed me would not let me go. I began to put conditions on when I would release the regret and accept the forgiveness. I would let it go when Victoria was better.

This served no purpose. In fact, she couldn’t get better until my heart was free to help hers. It was personal. It was long in coming. It was sweet in releasing. Do I wish it had been different? Of course. – p. 163