E-Course, Class 4

Many women are now familiar with the word ‘narcissism’ but not always totally aware of the specifics of the disorder. The word ‘narcissism’ is tossed around a lot as a catch all phrase for people who are conceited or aloof.

But narcissism is more than a case of conceit. It is a pathological and incurable disorder. Narcissism is a brutal way for women to learn about dangerous and destructive men. By the time a woman realizes a man is narcissistic, she has been pounded into the emotional dirt.

Many women find fascination with men who seem self assured but this is merely the mask of narcissism which hides an emotionally undeveloped little boy seeking the
attention NOW that he didn’t get as a child.

But all the attention he has sucked out of women never fills the broken vessel of his soul. All the attention never stays in him. It spills out only for him to seek MORE and MORE  from anyone that he can get it from referred to this as the ‘narcissistic supply’—the need for a constant stream of affirmations, attention, and admiration from a constant supply of givers.

Narcissists are rarely happy with only one stream of attention. They seek it from friends, strangers, co-workers, family, and anyone else they can tap into which is also why narcissists are rarely faithful—all this attention seeking leads to more focused admiration via sexual contact.

The major description of the relationship with a narcissist that women give is he is confusing and exhausting.’ Women come out of the relationship dragging the shell of their former selves. That’s all that’s left when he is done with her.

A narcissist’s path is always littered with the emotional skeletons of a multitude of women and children.

So ARE YOU with a narcissist? You might as well know now.

Take the quiz below based on your knowledge of him.

5= Always or almost always does this
4= Frequently does this
3= Does this sometimes
2= Seldom does this
1= Never or almost never does this

__ He constantly looks to you to meet his needs
__ He expects you to know what he expects, desires and needs without having to ask for it
__ He gets upset when you are perceived to be critical or blaming
__ He expects you to put his needs before your own
__ He seeks attention in indirect ways
__ He expects you to openly admire him
__ He acts childish, sulks or pouts
__ He accuses you of being insensitive or uncaring without cause
__ He finds fault with your friends
__ He becomes angry when challenged or confronted
__ He does not seem to recognize your feelings
__ He uses your disclosures to criticize, blame, or discount you
__ He is controlling
__ He lies, distorts, and misleads
__ He is competitive and uses any means to get what is wanted
__ He has a superior attitude
__ He is contemptuous of you and others
__ He is arrogant
__ He is envious of others
__ He demeans and devalues you
__ He is self-centered and self-absorbed
__ He has to be the center of attention
__ He is impulsive and reckless
__ He boasts and brags
__ He is insensitive to your needs
__ He makes fun of others mistakes or faults
__ He engages in seductive behavior
__ He is vengeful
__ He expects favors but does not return them

(Thanks to Nina Brown and ‘Is Your Partner a Narcissist? From Loving The Self Absorbed)

In our segment on abusive and pathological parenting we talked about how people who have been raised with pathological parents go on to select pathological men for
partners. Dating/marrying a narcissist falls into that category. Since narcissists do not change because narcissism is a permanent embedded personality disorder the question to you becomes “How much longer will you spend with someone who can’t ever be healthy?”

Have you told yourself any of the following?
•    I am in a relationship and feel he is more important than I am

•    I often feel like a failure in this relationship and blame myself for the condition of the relationship and how he treats me

•    I tell myself, “If I just try harder things will be fine.”

•    I wonder what happened to the charming person I was involved with and why he is so different now

•    I feel numb and exhausted by the constant demands of him and the strain in the relationship

•    I keep hoping ‘someday’ things will get better

•    I have an overwhelming sense of guilt much of the time

•    I always tell myself I am responsible for things going wrong (and he agrees)

•    I have given up time, ambition, interests, family/friends and life for him

(Thanks to Mary Jo Fay from ‘When Your Perfect Partner, Goes Perfectly Wrong, Loving or Leaving the Narcissist in Your Life)

These are examples of the ‘effects’ of being with a narcissist. Over time, these effects increase until your self-esteem is so low you no longer even attempt an exit. Life with a narcissist costs you everything. It already has, and it will in your future as well.

In order for you to heal both from abusive, addicted, and/or pathological parenting AND from your relationship with dangerous men, you must exit so you can work on yourself and your own recovery. No one heals or grows in a relationship with a narcissist. The longer you stay the harder it is to leave because you have stopped growing and hoping for emotional well-being for yourself.
In Closing,

The only defense is self defense. And the only self defense is knowledge. This E-course will teach help you realize your potential need (or not) for future insight into the area of dangerousness. Perhaps it will illuminate areas that you need more knowledge about, more insight, or just information. If after reading this installment of the E-course, you recognize your own patterns, please avail yourself to more information through our products, or through your local women’s organizations and counseling programs.