Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery, and moving forward. In fact, during the month of January we are going to look at why starting 2012 ‘differently’ can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.
The past few years at The Institute have been a tremendous time of development. (Don’t mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened at The Institute…)
A mere four years ago the newsletter started. We now have over 35,000 subscribers each week. That created a snowball effect, and the personalized coaching began. More e-books were written. Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.
Research commenced, and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book is now in its second edition. The retreat program started, along with training for therapists and coaches, and law enforcement/judicial. Sandra began to do more key note speaking at other organization conferences, including law schools and victim organizations.
All this development, and more, has happened as a result of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological. All this research occurred after realizing there was really something to the ‘temperament’ of women who end up in pathological relationships. All the phone coaching, therapist training and retreat center creation because so few people ‘get it’ about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you, and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.
The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eyeballing closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of ‘his type’ relationships, then the damage is even more profound. What this does over the long haul is that it takes some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying them.
Untreated, symptoms get worse. Symptoms that get worse affect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. If you do get a healthy partner, you don’t appreciate him, or you’re too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship, so he leaves.
Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse, so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions. This creates isolation. Isolation makes you at risk of re-contacting him, and re-contacting him lowers your coping skills. As your coping skills lower, your fantasizing increases—’Maybe he ISN”T pathological’, ‘Maybe he WILL stop cheating,’ etc., and your minimizing begins – ‘At least he…’
More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of
flashbacks, fears of the future, unbridled worry, depression, and insomnia.
Is any of this sounding familiar? There is a typical de-compensation pattern that most of the women go through. Recovery can stop that de-compensation and begin rebuilding your life. By December 31, 2012, how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms? On the other hand, how many of you will be ‘pathology free’ – symptoms reduced, a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future? How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, have lost weight, have more friends, have a better job, have happier children, got more self-esteem, gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship?
I’m not a resolution-type person, so I don’t make them. But, I AM an advocate for complete life changes. Not tiny habits, but big overhauls. Let’s face it if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul. Something malfunctioned in your life that created this huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you. That’s not a little issue – take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was ‘little.’ Ask others if they think it was little.
This year, 2012, is going to be a great year at The Institute – I can just feel it. We spent the last several years laying a solid groundwork for super programming this year. For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal the women who have loved pathological individuals. I believe we have covered all bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in-person coaching (retreats, 1:1s), portable products (e-books, books, DVDs, CDs), and community outreach through workshops that we will be putting online. You can join the workshop from your living room. We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible. I have found out that the Dangerous Man book and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book is now in almost every country of the world! The Dangerous Man book has been translated into a couple of languages and the psychopath book is mentioned in various documentaries.
I hope in 2012 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you’ll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing. Then, we hope you will run support groups in your community, give power-point presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group. Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I’m tired enough!), how about stepping out and being the powerhouse in your own community? How about taking it to the streets and passing it forward? How about turning your life around so you can be a role model for other women? All of this begins when you start healing yourself…and moving forward.
The truth is–there is only us to educate others. You don’t see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships, do you? That’s because it doesn’t exist. Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others.
However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.
It’s you and me, babe! As Gandhi said, ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’
Join us in 2012 for Healing Your Heart! We’re here.
