My Anniversary of the Plunge into Pathology

The month of May marks my fairly ‘official’ date (at least in my mind) in which I was thrust into the field of pathology – totally without consent, without warning, and without return to the normal life I knew before May 13, 1983.  Twenty-nine years ago, my father bled out in a grungy gutter in Cincinnati after a psychopath plunged a knife into his aorta outside of his jazz club.  I was initiated into a victim-hood that would turn my life and career in a direction I hadn’t much interest in before that particular day.

Much like pathology in anyone else’s life, you don’t get to pick how it plays out in your life.  The best you can do is to learn how to ride the rollercoaster that goes along with the serious group of disorders in pathology – as I have done.  Twenty-nine years later I still feel like I am just skimming the surface of what can, and should be done in education, awareness, survivor services, and advocacy in dealing with pathology. Thousands of pages of writing books, newsletters, websites, workbooks, e-books, quizzes, hours and hours of lectures ad nauseam, over a thousand hours in broadcasts, both radio and television, stacks of CDs and DVDs created – and still we are in the infancy of a new understanding about pathology.  It is the virtual edge of just beginning what someday will be a momentum marker that shows ‘when’ the world turned a corner for a better and very public understanding of pathology.

We’re not there yet, but the day IS coming.  Every new blog that goes up, every newsletter, every website, every talk, every social networking post, every private moment of your knowledge shared with another victim, every coaching session, every class taught, every therapy hour, every group gathering, every prayer muttered, every radio show aired, every celebrity living it and bringing it to notice, every TV show featuring it, every newspaper or women’s magazine article taunting it – is another message to another ear that has heard the message.  You learned it because someone cared enough to make sure you learned it.

Every May 13th, for the past 29 years, I have halted my existence to remember that life-altering second when my life went from being a normal everyday life – to a life of being a homicide survivor.  This is when my reality was ripped through by pathology – a disorder so conscienceless that altering history is just another day in the lives of the pathological.  While my pathology story includes a brutal ending, yours no less, includes something similar – all the things lost in a moment of deep betrayal – the kind of betrayal that only pathology can bring.

If I don’t brighten up this newsletter, I’ll get complaints about ‘too much reality’ or ‘too much negativity’ so, I will say this – while none of us ‘choose’ to become survivors at the hands of very disordered pathological individuals, what we ‘do’ with what we were dealt is up to us.  Every so often I like to send a message to you that encourages you to ‘pass it forward.’  Whatever you have learned from the magazine, the newsletters, or the books, is probably more than the woman who is sitting next to you knows.  You don’t need to wait until you ‘understand’ it more by taking a class, getting a degree, reading another one of our books, or taking our coach training – that doesn’t help the women you sit next to at work.  The knowledge in your head is life- saving to her.  Next year ‘when you are better trained’ isn’t the year to share what you know – today is!

If we want to move from living on the virtual edge of changing pathology education in the world, we have to open our mouths and tell what we know.  Every pathological hopes you DON’T do this – they hope you keep what you know to yourself.  So many women that have shed so many tears had said, “If I had only known… I would have left earlier, I wouldn’t have left my children with him, I wouldn’t have _______.”

Every May is a time I renew my commitment to what changed me.  Every May I bother people with my message and prod them and push them to make victim’s rights and survivor education important in the world.  If I don’t, the image of my dad laying in that gutter haunts me.  His death should never have been for nothing – and as long as people have been helped, it hasn’t.   Frankie Brown has touched so many lives with his death through the message of psychopathy.  You’re one of them!  Help me celebrate my father’s death anniversary in a way that brings meaning and hope to many.  Tomorrow, share what you know with just ONE person – someone that you have felt in your gut needs to know about the permanence and the pain of pathological relationships.  Then email me and say ‘I passed it forward’ so I can count up how many people celebrated Frankie!  If this email offended you, I’m sorry.  Pathology offended my entire life.

Thank you for growing in the knowledge of pathology so you are prepared for the day when you can give someone the life-changing information that you’ve come to know!

My sister Linda, my father Frankie Brown, myself a few years before his murder

The Power of Words

So, you are tired, disgusted, disturbed, frustrated, depleted.  Choose one or more of the descriptives – add any others that may fit how you feel as the result of dealing with an individual who is personality disordered.  I could list a plethora of descriptives to describe the feelings that accompany the hot mess of pathology, however, there is only so much space allotted for this writing.  Writing a list of descriptive feelings, and studying the definitions that accompany each word can be a very useful tool in getting a clear picture of what is going on inside your self. Writing is a very cathartic means of dealing with feelings.  It is a way of ‘purging onto the page’ all of the internal toxic emotions that are festering and causing harm to your body, mind and spirit.

Words are powerful.  Think of all the words, or phrases that were hurled your way (and still may be being hurled) by the disordered individual.  Do any of these words or phrases sound hauntingly familiar – ‘I was just retaliating to how YOU behave,’ ‘What’s wrong with YOU,’  ‘YOU will never be able to do that,’ ‘Can’t YOU do anything right,’ ‘YOU take everything so personally,’ ‘I’m not having this conversation with YOU,’ ‘YOU don’t know when to shut your mouth,’ ‘Can’t YOU let anything go,’ ‘It’s how YOU are perceiving things,’ – and on, and on.  Notice how the key word in all of these phrases is ‘YOU.’  YOU, in these statements assigns BLAME – ‘YOU’ are to BLAME.  ‘YOU’ is numbing.  How much damage do you think the word ‘you’ has caused in your life?  After reading this, probably more than you think.

This puts a whole new meaning to the saying, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.’  In this case, the most hurtful name that was used repeatedly to break you down was – YOU.  Your very essence – you – was used as a tool against you for your destruction.  Ironically sickening when you think about it.  The ‘you’ of you, was twisted and turned into a means of degradation in a most vile way, to be used by the predator as a weapon that cut to your core.  You, who are a sacred being, was then reduced to a pile of shame, blame, and guilt, all because of a word that was used against you in a very powerful and destructive way.

This is the nature of pathologically disordered individuals. Their ability to twist, con, and manipulate with words is second to none.  Many possess the gift of gab, and present themselves as excellent communicators. Their best means of communication seems to be in how they use the spoken word against others, however, never being accountable for what proceeds from their mouth.  They have no desire or means to communicate with purpose or to have a fair fight.  Negotiations do not exists, and you can throw compromise out the window. Wrangling with words with a pathological individual, especially one that is proficient with psychological head games is useless.  They have a one-track mind, and that track is for winning – winning at everything and anything no matter what the cost.  Arguing is a waste of time and energy that should be reserved for leaving the situation and healing.

The partner of the pathological, or children who are reared by pathological individuals internalize so much.  The words they hear have a profound effect on their psyche.  Perception of ones self is then skewed, and the victim accepts the assigned blame of ‘wrongness’ that is thrown onto their personhood.  Words dictated by the pathological can cause irreparable damage, and if healing is ever sought after, it can be a slow and cumbersome process.  Words can destroy – but words can also heal.

Part of the healing process can start with writing and defining how you feel, as mentioned at the beginning of this column.  It doesn’t matter if you are a good writer or not, putting words and thoughts onto a page is both healing and restorative.  Writing helps to clear your head and your heart of unwanted and toxic emotions.  Keeping a day-to-day journal can help you identify patterns of your own thoughts or behaviors that are destructive, and can be used as a tool for self-awareness and progressive change.

A way to start is by writing down words of how you currently feel, defining them, and then writing words of how you would like to feel and defining them, also.  Meditate and mull over what the definitions mean, and how it applies to your current emotional state.  This can open up thoughts or reactions that will naturally lead you into a mode of more descriptive writing.  Don’t censor what you write, unless you feel someone may invade your privacy.  In that case, do what you can to get the messages across to yourself for healing, without compromising your safety or wellbeing.  Set aside a certain time of day, and try to commit to making this a priority time just for you.  Once journaling becomes habitual, your writings will lead you into places that foster your creativity and assist in your healing. You may find that your time of writing becomes a comforting and soothing time – like a healing balm.  It is a time to be with yourself, and to enjoy your own company.  Writing can be a means in the process of starting to love and accept your self. It may open you up to the ‘shadow’ aspects of your self, as well as to those beautiful parts that may have been hidden for some time.

With this being said, I want to suggest those who have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or any other disorder that may react in a way that is not conducive for your wellbeing, to refrain from writing or journaling as it may be counterproductive to your healing process.  If you are uncertain if you deal with these issues and journaling becomes very uncomfortable for you, stop the process.  This will be discussed in next month’s column.

You can use journaling to write about everyday events, or it can be streamlined into writing about what you dream at night, the results of meditation practices, or about specific events or people in your life.  It’s your writings, so you get to choose what best fits you and your style.  The purpose is to allow you to get in touch with what’s going on inside, and to assist you in the healing process.

Let’s take another look at the power of words – and this time look at the words and phrases that help to heal. Take time to remember someone telling you, ‘YOU look great,’ ‘I like the way YOU think,’ ‘YOU did a great job,’ ‘YOU are beautiful,’  ‘YOU are very smart,’ ‘I love talking with YOU,’ ‘I don’t know what I would do without YOU,’ ‘YOU are a great friend,’ ‘YOU are a gift from God.’ Words of encouragement are words that come from the hearts and mouths of those whose intention is to encourage and uplift.  These are the words that we are all meant to take in and to allow them to cover us with their power to heal.

Is This The New Normal?

The ‘new’ normal (whatever that is) is code jargon for ‘something in your life that changed and for which you just have to suck it up and get use to’.  This clicky kind of phrase has crept in the world of pathology too, and even the recovery movement. So let’s answer some of those questions about ‘the NEW normal.’

‘Is How Crappy I Feel My New Normal?’

In other words, ‘will I ever feel like my old self again?’

Let’s say your girlfriend was driving home late one night, off in thought, and after a glass or two of wine. She was blasting her favorite Adelle song on her ear buds. This condition left her not in her most focused self–tired, distracted, a little buzzed, and drifting off to the groove of a good song when she didn’t even realize the slight bump her car made as she drove over the railroad tracks. Since she had no reason to believe something that could really hurt her was barreling down the tracks towards her, she didn’t even glance to see the oncoming train.  Once she realized, too late, she was going to be harmed–wide eyed and gasping–she wondered what she could do to save herself.  The answer by then, was ‘too late.’ In a nano-second she went from being her old self to being someone entirely new–she became a seriously injured person.

You too were run over by an oncoming train with a big ‘P’ on the front. You too might have been tired, distracted, or out having a good time when you encountered the train that was going to run over you, destroy the framework of your life, and nearly fatally wound your soul.

The oncoming psychopath does not brake for anything on the tracks of his life. Your mangled psyche, broken heart, and your sideswiped joy are the natural conditions of having been run over by a run away psychopath or narcissist.

As your girlfriend lay home recovering from having been in a ‘train wreck’ — her broken bones held together with casts, her head bandaged from a whiplash concussion, and being relegated to resting for the next unforseeable future, she does not yet realize she is lucky to escape with the gift to heal.  Her family and friends recognizing her extensive injuries are not likely to say to her “Very shortly, this will be like it never happened. You’ll be back to your old self in no time at all.’  It’s easy to see the girl was seriously injured and it was a gift from God she’s alive.

While psychological injuries are not as evident to the bystanding eye, they are noteably experienced by the victim.  You were hit by a train! You were injured–emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually, financially and maybe even physically.  If someone has erroneously said to you “Very shortly, this will be like it never happened. You’ll be back to your old self in no time at all’ — they have never been hit by an oncoming pathology train. In fact, the worse thing that probably ever happened to them is they won a Spa Day at a less than luxorious hotel or their highlights in their hair weren’t quite right.  Are you going to measure your recovery from someone who’s only experience of tragedy is a spa-day-gone-wrong?

Other survivors who have been hit by the same-train-different-tracks will tell you that “No, it will not be like it never happened.  No, you will not be back to your old self in no time at all.” I don’t know if you want the truth or you want that girl’s story whose name is Pollyanna.  It is not that you will never heal. It’s that your injuries were serious. You are in the critical care unit of the recovery center.  You WILL heal. But it will not be in ‘no time at all.’  If your girlfriend didn’t rise up off the bed in a few days like Lazarus being raised from the dead, you too should not expect that type of ‘miraclous’ healing.  Train wrecks mangle bodies, minds, and spirits.  Give yourself the gift of recognition that what you have been through is traumatic and life changing. And that you need the time anyone would need that has been run over by a train in which to heal.

The impatient family member who thinks you should be ‘over it’ by now, was not run over by the train.  The girlfriends that want you to go on a cruise and meet someone new were not run over by the train.  The psychopath train that hit you that thinks you should be through the body-repair shop of what he did to you–was not run over by a train his size.

The problem that exists is your level of expectation is not equal to your level of harm.

You are expecting to walk away limping but not seriously injured from a psychopath.  That doesn’t happen often. So infrequently that I don’t even know if I can give one example of that happening with the women I have worked with for 20+ years.

Learning to live with the ‘new normal’ of aftermath symptoms is really a self nurturing act. It means you have taken the time to really access your damage and give yourself the things you need in order to heal.  Time, space, therapy–whatever it takes.  The ‘new normal’ following pathological love relationships is called ‘aftermath damage.’  There is a cure for it. But the first step in curing it is to say it outloud “I was run over by an oncoming train. I was critically wounded.”  Now, healing can begin.

How Pathological Is ‘Too’ Pathological?

Another words, ‘How sick is TOO sick?’

One of the charactersistics of women who have been in pathological relationships is that they are very ‘forgiving’ and ‘tolerant’ of less than stellar mental health qualities in their intimate relationships. That’s because the women have very elevated traits of compassion, empathy, tolerance, and acceptance according to our research and to name but a few. These are excellent and humanitarian traits to have….except in a relationship with a pathological person in which these traits create ‘super glue’ that keeps you in  a relationship you should NOT be toleranting, accepting, or being empathetic about. The problem is women often don’t realize that someone can simply have ‘narcissistic traits’ or ‘psychopathic traits’ and still be a danger to her in a relationship.

That’s because it doesn’t take much pathology to dramatically and negatively effect her and the relationship. It only takes a ‘drop’ of abnormal psychology to really screw up the relationship and the others around him. This is why even ‘just traits’ are important to identify. ‘Just traits’ means he has SOME of the criteria for, lets say narcissism or psychopathy, but not enough to fully qualify for the full diagnosis. But let’s not split hairs here…a few traits are enough to qualify for ‘too’ pathological. It DOES matter that he is a ‘tad bit’ pathological because any of the traits of pathology are negative and harmful.

Would it matter that he had a little or a lot of ‘low empathy?’ No–the end result is the same–low empathy and the pain he causes others. ‘Liitle-to-None’ is almost none–it doesn’t matter if he is a little unempathetic or a lot. Not being able to have empathy is the bottom line.

Would it matter if he had a little or a lot of poor impulse control? I doubt it if his poor impulse control effected his sexual acting out, his drug use, or his wild spending habits.
A little goes a long way in poor impulse control.

Would it matter if he had a little or a lot of rebellion against laws, rules, or authority? Probably not…even just a little bit of rebellion has the propensity of getting him arrested or fired, ignoring a restraining order or refusing to pay child support. How about ‘just pathological enough’ to really screw up your children with his distorted and warped world view, his chronic inconsistency, his wavering devotion to you or them, his role modeling of his addictions, or his display of ‘the rules aren’t for me’ attitude?

I watch women ‘look’ for loopholes to minimize the pathology he DOES have instead of looking for ways he does meet criteria for the pathology he does have and find reasons to get out. Instead, they find reasons ‘it’s not THAT bad.’ But just a little bit of a ‘bad boy’ is probably too pathological…too sick for a normal relationship. Since pathology is the ‘inability to sustain positive change, grow to any meaningful depth, or develop insight about how one’s behavior effects others’ even just ‘some’ pathology is too much. Because if he can’t sustain change (you know…all those things he promises to change about himself) or grow or have insight about how and why he hurts you…he’s TOO pathological–TOO sick–TOO disordered to have anything that resembles a normal relationship. Why would you ‘want’ a relationship that has NO capacity to grow, change, or meet your needs?

Bad boy enticement is very real…that edginess he has makes many women highly attracted to him. But beyond the edginess can be anything from ‘just traits’ to ‘full blown pathology.’ Nonetheless, women must learn to draw a line in the sand that even ‘just’ traits is enough to guarantee their unhappiness and harm in the hands of a guy who is ‘too pathological’ for her!

(**Information about pathology and your recovery is in the award winning Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

When Others Don’t Like The ‘P’ Word

I was recently asked to be on a national TV show to discuss the issue of psychopathy in relationships based on my book ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths.’
They had looked at the website, read information about the book, discussed what the rest of the show was going to be about, and booked me for the show.
They didn’t invite me based on my other book (although equally as informational) How to Spot a Dangerous Man, they booked me to discuss and showed
the book cover of, Women Who Love Psychopaths.

However, 20 minutes before going on air a producer told me ‘they’ (whoever that is in TV world) was uncomfortable using the ‘p’ word–psychopath. They
found the word to be ‘controversial’ and ‘sensationalistic’ and that my example of probably well known public psychopaths who are not recognized as
psychopathic was too debatable and unproveable to discuss.

This was of course sad for me to hear since so much of what The Institute attempts to provide is public pathology education. Truly the only way for people
to avoid psychopathy is to develop the ability to understand the traits and learn to spot it in others. All which is why our goal for this agency is public education.
This is of course, not our first time to hear that the ‘p’ word is offensive, debatable, controversial, or judgmental, and it will not be the last time, unfortunately.

Several victims of incredible psychopathic abuse were also on the show and I was asked to comment on their cases but also asked to not use the
‘p’ word.  I asked the producer what she thought those perpetrator’s behaviors should be called, or what disorders would motivate their behavior….or
what was she suggesting I ‘should’ call them? I told her I was at a loss to pick another label or motivation behind their lethal behaviors that would
come close to helping others understand ‘who does that?’.  I told her that psychopathy was a diagnosis, not merely a political argument, a theoretical
ideology, or even a criminal judgment of character. I was confused as to why I was there when what I do, what I write about, who I help, and who I help
convict are overtly obvious from my professional background and from our website.

I was reminded again when I heard ‘the p word’ is controversial, that public pathology education is still in it’s infancy. I know that victims face this all
the time when they struggle to figure out what is wrong with the pathological person, only to discover the shocking revelation of the person’s disorder. But
the victim trying to teach others what is wrong with the pathological is counteracted when others find the information to be disputable, distasteful, unproveable, unlikely,
and un-spiritual to even suggest.

The ‘p’ word is now viewed as the new psychlogical slur of the 21st century. It’s correlated with the devastating racial slurs of the 1950′s, the cultural slurs of the
60′s-70′s, and the gay/lesbian slurs of the 80′s-90′s.  Now, we face the ‘p’ word the way we faced the ‘n’ of the 50′s and the ‘f’ or the 60’70′s and the ‘q’
of the 80-90s. But with a huge difference! There is nothing wrong with the ‘p’ word the way it was intensely wrong with the ‘n,’ ‘f,’ and ‘q’ words of
decades gone by.

But it is treated as if we are being racially insensitive, culturally inappropriate, or gender ignorant. We are looked at as the skin-heads of the
Diagnostic Statistical Manual that we would ‘dare’ to ‘call someone’ a psychopath.  We are viewed as the rock throwers at the psychologically-disabled
people with pathology, the Bible thumpers of the poor spiritually disenfranchised psychopath, and the socially clueless that we would spew a
power-packing psychological label like ‘psychopathy’ around that might actually strike and land on a human being.

I know, I know….afterall, it’s daytime TV which we all recognize is about ratings and keeping pace with society’s Attention-Deficit-Disordered need
for topics to be covered in three minutes no matter how riveting the storyline is.  Daytime TV covers tsunamis of natural science as well as the
tsunamis of psychological trauma in the same fast fall swoop of selling hair dye and lipstick in the same 30 minute segment. What did I expect afterall?

…Well, I always hope that a victim’s trauma is recognized and embraced for the emotional and spiritual strength it took to not only survive, but to show up
on that TV stage to tell their story to help others. …Well, I always hope that the need to teach others ‘how to spot’ the devastating disorders that created the
victims trauma is the guiding motivation behind why TV shows exist and supercedes the mere ‘storyline-as-business’ of TV.

Yes, I recognize that daytime TV is not the spokes person for the planet–that there ARE those who really want to hear more of the victims story and learn more
about ‘how to spot’ them in their own lives….but I have to tell you, it IS a ‘cold-water-splash-in-the-face’, like a ‘wake-up-Sandra-we-aren’t-as-far-as-you-think’
call that we are whispering the ‘p’ word behind stage and off camera and are ‘editing it out’ for public viewing. The whole segment of discussion about
low empathy, no conscience and who does that was removed. Not one word that explained the behavior of those lethal people was ‘leaked’ to
the viewing audience for public pathology education. We still have miles and miles to go in educating the public that psychopathy is a disorder
not a verbal tyriad.

You know what….as  offensive, debatable, controversial, judgmental,  OR …. as disputable, distasteful, unproveable, unlikely and un-spiritual
as it felt to those merely producing a nano-second based TV show to say the ‘p’ word, the victims who have lived with the ‘p’ are the true
authorities here.  They would probably beg to disagree with the nay-sayers that the ‘p’ is a profound psychological slur. I am sure the victims
found the ‘p’s behavior to be more offensive than TV-land will ever understand. The victims surely wrestled with their own need to over come the
‘debatable-ness’ of the disorder, or the controversy that swirled around the lethal behaviors of the psychopath and I am sure the victim’s incured
their own judgmental views of outsiders. I doubt today the victim’s find their story to be un proveable or even disputable —after all,
some of these storys ended up in murder or attempted more. All adjectives that are associated with psychopathy.

As ‘controversial’ as TV-land felt  the ‘p’ word was, does not even compare to the victim’s overwhelming need to shout from the roof-tops
what the pathological IS….a psychopath.

Using the ‘p’ word of psychopathy is not a slur. It is a education, a prevention, a DIAGNOSIS, and the reality for millions of victims in
the world.

Resurrecting Life Within

Spring is a time that is synonymous with growth, newness, warmth, and life.  In the Christian tradition, it is the time when the Resurrection is celebrated during Easter, and in other religious and non-religious traditions, this season also carries significance.  Spring conjures up all kinds of beautiful images and visions.  It is a perfect time to resurrect life within.

The term “resurrection” is commonly thought to mean, “rising from the dead,” but another way of defining this term is, “the act of bringing back to practice, notice, or use; revival.”  What a poignant way of looking at the term – bringing back; revival – and what an auspicious time to revive yourself and live life, then in the spring.

So much “life” is stolen when in relationship with a pathological individual.  Those with Cluster B Personality Disorders are “takers” – giving is rarely an option with these individuals unless it is somehow for their benefit.  Life – in the forms of self-esteem, time, effort, concern, empathy, money, health, and so much more – is taken when in a pathological relationship.  The pathological has few if any boundaries, so they do not know, nor do they care if they are infringing on your internal and external resources.  They take, because they have nothing really worthwhile to give in terms of relational qualities.  Even if they show ways of emoting, they are often fleeting, vague and unfulfilling in terms of a love relationship. So as a result of their taking, one is often left bone dry with nothing left to give.  This is not a good state to be in physically, mentally, or emotionally as you must give to yourself to have life flowing within.

So, how is it possible to resurrect life within when feeling depleted?  The ways to accomplish this vary as much as personalities vary.  Each person may require something different to assist in this process – and it is a process.  Spending years, if not a lifetime within pathological relationships is not something that can be erased or rectified with a few quick suggestions or counseling sessions.  It is a process, and a lifelong journey to becoming a whole person.

The first step is to desire having life within – not just going through the motions.  When one desires life, the natural inclination is to seek life-giving people and circumstances.  This may involve actively seeking out balanced and aware individuals to include in your inner circle.  After having the life force depleted within, as the result of dealing with a disordered relationship, it is very important to include people in your life that are givers. They are the ones that enhance your life instead of taking the life force away.  A person of exemplary character in friendship is a rare gift, and something to be cherished, as they are able to assist in loving you back to wholeness.  When surrounded by quality people – the givers of life – it automatically allows for situations and circumstances that will promote life and wholeness.  Conversations become reciprocal, opinions are respected, emotions are validated, and you are treated as a person instead of an object.  Your time and thoughts become more focused on living with purpose and intention with less time spent thinking about the inane qualities of the pathological relationship (past or present).  Life becomes more exciting and worth living.

To live with purpose and intention, and including others of like mind in your life, changes the whole scope of your thinking and way of living.  Living with intention and purpose literally resurrects life within as you become more aware of how you are living your life.  To live intentionally and with purpose means you live in the present moment – not focusing on the past, or obsessing about the future.  It means setting goals for yourself that will promote and enhance your quality of life, and then maintaining the focus and clarity needed to obtain these goals.  In future columns the subjects of meditation and mindfulness will be discussed to introduce you to ways of working with the mind to assist in maintaining focus, clarity, and awareness. This in turn, will help you in obtaining your goals by changing the way you think.

During this season of spring, become aware of the growth that is taking place in nature, and realize that growth can also take place within.  Grow by giving yourself the permission to heal, to be loved by others, and to commit to resurrecting life within.

 

Happy Spring!

Who Does That? Part 2

(Last week we began discussing the ‘who’ of certain behaviors and crimes often perpetrated by Cluster Bs, and how the various systems who come in contact with Cluster Bs have differing names, thus views, of their destructive patterns. You can read last week’s newsletter HERE).

How convenient for pathologicals that each system is only focused on it’s identified behavior which helps the pathological continue to fly under the radar. Instead of seeing the big picture of pathological disorders in action, the systems are focused on the sub-directory of behaviors associated with their system, and one small aspect of the pathologicals destructive nature.

When teaching on Public Pathology, I always teach about the pathological disorders of Cluster B (Borderlines, Narcissists, Anti-socials, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths). No matter who hires me to speak, they all get the training on Cluster B.  I teach this to nurses, the military, to therapists (who seem to have forgotten), to the criminal justice system, to law enforcement, to judges, custody evaluators, prosecutors/lawyers, and mediators.  I teach it to clergy, addiction professionals, and social workers, to victim advocates, and DV programs.  I teach it to every frontline ‘system’ that is likely to be encountering various forms of behaviors that fall under the category of Cluster B, but are referred to within the systems own labeling vernacular.

All these systems have been dealing with the same disorder, with different faces, different statuses in life, different careers and titles, with money or no money, different crimes and different charges against them, different social service requests, different spiritual confessions, different storylines, different excuses, different projections of their behavior onto societal causations. But in the end, it’s the same disorder over and over again.

When I teach about Cluster B, I see the moment of ‘aha’ that comes across their faces when they recognize their own clients within this cluster of disorders. Learning the emotional, physical, psychological, behavioral, financial, sexual, and spiritual behaviors of these disorders quickly helps them to affirm ‘who’ does that. Looking across the room and seeing law enforcement, judges, therapists, and mediators all nodding in agreement rushes them into the center of reality that we are all dealing with the same disorder in our offices, court rooms, therapy offices, and pews. That, whether they are a defamer, cyber stalker, repeat domestic violence offender, a financial con artist, or a killer, we are still talking about the Cluster B of disorders.

•    When asking my audience of sexual offender therapists if any of the pedophiles AREN’T within Cluster B, no one disagrees.

•    When asking Batterer Intervention programs if the chronic repeaters aren’t Cluster B, no one balks.

•    When asking Forensic Computer professionals if trolls, cyber stalkers, defamers or bullies aren’t Cluster B, they readily affirm it.

•    Sexual Assault counselors don’t argue that rapists are largely Cluster B.

•    Judges don’t rush to defend that high conflict cases (those people who file case after case, as many as 60 times to court) aren’t Cluster B.

•    Mediators don’t disagree that those most likely to fail mediation are Cluster B.

•    Custody Evaluators affirm that those most likely to tamper with evidence, perpetrate parental alienation, and require supervised visitation are Cluster Bs.

•    Programs that deal with stalking can easily see that stalking is primarily a Cluster B occurrence.

•    Repeat criminals clogging up jail, probation, parole, and prison programs are often diagnosed within jail as having a Cluster B disorder.

•    Terrorists, school shooters, and bombers are easily identified as Cluster B.

•    Those who stay for years and years in counseling using up mental health resources without ever being able to sustain positive change are Cluster Bs (excluding here the chronic mental illness of schizophrenia or developmental disabilities).

•    Those prematurely discharged from military service are often Cluster B.

•    The over use and misuse of most major societal services and systems are related to Cluster B.

•    Some of the most brilliantly contrived inside trading crimes of the century has been planned and executed by Cluster Bs.

•    Are there many murderers that aren’t Cluster B?

WHO does that? If we take all the behaviors listed above (and often crimes from those behaviors), put them in an analyzer funnel, and watch the behaviors clink and clunk down the spiral DSM Identifier, it would spit them out in an Axis II file with Cluster B printed on the front.

Cluster B’s behaviors are generated out of a complex interweaving of emotional, developmental, neuro, biochemical, and even genetic abnormalities. Obviously, this is not a ‘simple’ disorder or there would be less ‘inevitable harm’ associated with everyone and everything they touch, and they would be cured or even managed consistently and well.

This complicated group of disorders single-handedly sets society on edge. It keeps us in court, in therapy, in prayer, in the lawyer’s office, in depression, in anxiety, on edge, on the offense, ready to off ourselves to simply be away from such menacing (yet often normal appearing) deviancy.

Who wreaks more emotional havoc than Cluster B’s?  Sixty million persons in the US alone are negatively impacted by someone else’s pathology. It drives people to therapy, to commit their own petty acts of revenge to avenge their own powerlessness, drives people to drink, to run away, to take their children and run, and sadly leads to uncountable amounts of suicides every year.

They single-handedly cause financial disruptions to the working class who are demoted, or go on disability because of scrambed-eggs for brains they now have due to too much Cluster B exposure.

It drives the legal market by keeping attorneys in business through never-ending court cases, child custody, and restraining orders.

It employs judges and prison systems. And keeps forensic computer and forensic accountants frantically busy.

It funds domestic violence shelters, rape centers, and children’s therapy programs.

Pathology is big business. It is what our large service systems in almost every field are driven by…the need to protect, defend, prosecute, or treat the effects of Cluster Bs.

It employs threat assessment professionals to ward off stalkers and reputation defenders online programs to repair cyber attacks on people that Cluster B’s rarely even know.

It employs social workers and halfway houses trying to get Cluster B’s ‘the help they need to turn their lives around.’

It drives the media of TV, radio, and talk shows. Who DO we think are often the persons on daytime TV and reality shows? Cluster B’s. WHO do the media often want to talk about in the celebrity world? The Cluster B’s. What kinds of crimes does the media flock to? The crimes often perpetrated by Cluster B’s.

It drives the medical field due to stress related disorders and diseases normal people develop as a reaction to the abnormal pathology of Cluster B.

Surely pharmacology is partially driven by medications for depression and anxiety perpetrated by the no-conscience disorders of Cluster B.

It generates new products every year to track, expose and identify Cluster B’s who are hacking computers, sending viruses, or putting chips on phones and cars to invade others lives.

While clearly pathology generates jobs for many, it is still the single most destructive group of disorders that exist.  And until all the major systems: judicial, legal, and mental health get on the same page about ‘Who’ does that, we will be stuck in this maze of pathologicals flying under the radar, undiagnosed, unrealized and wreaking havoc in millions of people’s lives.

Wake up Law Enforcement, Positive Psychology Therapists, Judges, Custody Evaluators, Mediators, DV Batterer Intervention, and Lawyers!  Who Does That?

Who Does That? Part 1

Part of our goal at The Institute is not only to help survivors heal from the aftermath of a PLR (Pathological Love Relationship), but it is also to help prevent future relationships with pathologicals. In prevention, The Institute helps survivors to spot overt, glaring pathology. The overt pathology is easy to identify.

* Few would argue that mothers who drown their children like Susan Smith or Andrea Yates aren’t terribly disordered.

* Those that shoot people they don’t know, or commit a drive by shooting like the Beltway Snipers Muhammad and Malvo in the Washington D.C. and Virginia areas, clearly have pathological motives.

* Those that sexually abuse children and then hide the sexual offenders like the Catholic Church, are the face of evil.

* Horrendous hate crimes that torture hundreds, thousands, or millions of people – like war crimes or the Holocaust – are easy to figure that severe pathology is behind the motivation of that type of hate.

* The deranged that break into homes to beat the elderly for money like Phillip Garrett, who terrorized those in assisted living facilities, have a notable bent of sheer brutality.

* Terrorists who commit the taking of hostages and inflict psychological torture like the infamous Stockholm Bank Robbery (resulting in the term Stockholm Syndrome) are identifiable as probable psychopaths.

* The rapist who preys on the vulnerable, or the type of rapist who rapes a wife in front of her own husband is overtly vile.

* The violent anti-socials that are frequent gang members or thugs like James Manley, who murdered my father.

* Serial killers like Ted Bundy who raped and killed at least 36 women, leave no doubt that he was the worst of the worst psychopaths.

* The ordering of killing a pregnant woman and her unborn child like schizophrenic/psychopathic Charlie Manson makes our blood run cold.

* Cult leaders who usher hundreds to death like Jim Jones, remind us of the power and persuasion of pathology.

* Chronic re-offending domestic violence abusers like O.J. Simpson and Mike Tyson convince us that all DV is not treatable, and some abuser brutality increases with each crime and are obviously disordered.

* The babbling grandiosity of narcissism, as seen in Charlie Sheen, reminds us that even the rich and famous carry and display their pack of pathology for all to see.

* The robbing of millions of dollars from thousands of people like Bernie Madoff, reminds us that not all pathology is physically violent – some do it with panache, and a tie on.

These forms of pathology are recognizable by most of society and many would agree that these people are horribly disordered, and probably dangerous for life.

But being able to spot pathology in less overt and even frequently hid, yet equally as damaging acts, is where most of us fall short—even professionals in the criminal justice and mental health systems. It’s also where survivors of PLR’s are likely to trip up, yet again, since the ‘types’ of behaviors pathologicals perpetrate can vary causing confusion to the unsuspecting, highly tolerant, and emotionally understanding survivor.

Low empathy is at the core of a cluster of pathological disorders that correlates to ‘inevitable harm’ when it crosses the paths of others.  Low empathy has its roots in reduced conscience, remorse, and guilt. Without empathy, pathologicals find pleasure in harming others. While they might not cackle aloud in public when a dog is hit by a car, they no less live in the shadows of enjoying the physical or emotional destruction of others.

Sadistic – absolutely, but often it’s sadistic behind closed doors, or as sheltered reputations behind factitious names, or online identities.

Why aren’t these pathological disorders better identified? That is the million dollar question since the main judicial, social, and mental systems of our society deal with this particular cluster of pathological disorders day in and day out. Why are they actively dealing with Cluster B’s?  Because these disorders represent the majority of white and blue-collar crimes that cataclysmically smash in our lives even if they are never identified as crimes.  The reason society has not cohesively named this cluster of disorders as the center of their focus, is each system has their own view of the ‘behavior’ associated with the pathological’s disorders.

Law enforcement calls them the bad guys (if they are even caught)
Mental health systems call them patients
Domestic violence organizations call them abusers
Batterer intervention programs call them perpetrators
Criminal defense attorneys call them clients
Sexual Assault centers call them rapists or sexual offenders
Financial structures call them swindlers
The online world calls them trolls
Victims call them predators
Children and adolescents call them cyber bullies
The swindled call them con artists
The judicial system calls them criminals (or not, if they are never identified)
The church calls them evil or unredeemed
The website owner calls them hackers
The defamed call them cyber stalkers
Parents call them pedophiles
Jails calls them inmates
Prison calls them high security risks
FBI calls them targets and terrorists

As each system deals with their own view of a specific act the person has done, we miss the wide broad category that these people fall under. We miss the bigger implication of what goes with that category. We miss the fact that those who fall under these pathological disorders have largely low, or no, positive treatment outcomes. Each system dealing with a behavior, only sees the person through their own behavioral specialty. Yet, we are all talking about the same disorders in action.

When we ask ‘WHO does that?’ we immediately become brothers and sisters in the same battle against pathology. We begin to see the ‘who’ within the act, the disorder that perpetrates these same acts, behaviors, or crimes. It’s the same sub-set of disorders that have different focuses but the same outcome: inevitable harm.

Emotional Phantom Limb Pain

In a session someone says, “I really miss what we had.  I could get over this if it hadn’t been the most wonderful relationship of my life.  I just feel like something has been cut out of me – like I’m missing a big part of myself now.”

Illusion is the mark of pathology.  It’s why our logo is a mask, because it best represents the mirage of normalcy that pathological individuals can often project…. at least for a while.

Dr. Hervey Checkley, a psychiatrist and writer of pathology from the 1940′s entitled his famous book The Mask of Sanity, and tells of pathology giving all the surface signals such as:  having a deep connection, having the most fun ever experienced with a person, of someone who is really into you – while behind the scenes you are being used as a distraction, a pay check, grotesquely, as a ‘vaginal doormat,’ or some other form of ‘feeding’ of the pathological piranha.  What you are experiencing, you are internally labeling as ‘normal,’ ‘wonderful,’ or ‘love,’ and yet it really isn’t any of those things.  It’s just a label of experience you have tagged with him.

If someone was watching your relationship as a movie, and watched scenes in which the pathological individual is exposed for his true self, your scene would be tagged and labeled very differently by the viewer, than what is labeled in your own experience.  That’s because the viewer would see the pathological individual’s behaviors and words as manipulative, and would have a distinctly different view of the storyline.  Your labeling of your experience isn’t always accurate.  As I often say, “Your thinking is what got you into this pathological relationship.   Don’t always believe what you think.”

Being invested in being correct is part of the human condition, and is in part, the way our brains work.  The more important the questions are such as, “Does he love me, is this the one?” – the greater the pleasure will seem from labeling the experience as positive.   The more positive the relationship is perceived, the more invested you will be to label the experiences, and his behavior as positive, and to get the reward of your label whether it is of ‘him, the marriage, or the relationship.’  Of course, none of this is problematic, except if you have misread the illusion, believed the presented mask, and labeled an experience with a narcissist, anti-social, or socio/psychopath as ‘positive.’

The illusion:

•    He was normal
•    He was in love with you
•    He was what he said he was
•    He did what he said he did

In pathology, that’s never the case, because:

•    Their attachments are surface (which isn’t love)
•    They are mentally disordered (which isn’t normal)
•    They never present themselves as disordered, sexually promiscuous, and incapable of love (so he isn’t what he said he is)
•    They harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal and immoral behavior (so he doesn’t disclose what he’s really up to)

What you had (that you can’t possibly miss) is a pathological relationship.  What you want, and miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion – to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Women often say when they try to break off the relationship they have the feeling that something is being cut out of them.  They feel like they are missing a part of themselves.  This sensation is similar to what is called phantom limb pain, which is a medical mystery of sorts.  When a person has an arm that is amputated, the portion of the brain that used to receive sensory messages about the existing arm goes through a series of changes.  This causes it to misread the brain message, and creates the ‘ghostly’ illusion that the arm is still there and in pain.  Even though the patient can see that the arm is gone, and what they are experiencing is an illusion, they can’t stop the distressing phantom limb sensations of wanting to believe the arm is still there.  The arm is in pain, but the arm is gone.  The amputee must learn to cope differently, and begin to re-label the experience they are having, that the presence of the arm is a perceptual illusion.

So it is with those leaving the illusion of the pathological relationship.  The emotional pain you experience is based on the illusion the pathological presented, a perceptual illusion that was mislabeled, experience as positive, and invested in.  Keeping that positive illusion is initially important to you.  Learning to adjust the cognitive dissonance (which is the ping-pong between thinking ‘he was good/he was bad’) is the challenge in overcoming the ghostly emotional baggage of phantom relationship pain.

Genetic and Neuro-Physiological Basis for Hyper-Empathy

I heard a universal ‘sigh of relief’ go out around the world as women read the title of this article.  Don’t you feel better knowing there really IS some science backing the whole issue of having way too much empathy?

When we began writing about women who love psychopaths, anti-socials, sociopaths and narcissists, we already ‘assumed’ that maybe you did have too much empathy (as well as other elevated temperament traits).  We just didn’t know how much, or why.  When we began the actual testing for the research of the book ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’, we learned just ‘how much’ empathy you had.

Do I need to tell you?  WAY TOO MUCH!

By now you have probably already suspected that your super-high empathy is what got you in trouble in this pathological relationship.  But, did you know there is hard science behind what we suspected about what is going on in your relationship with your super-trait of high empathy?  It really IS all in your head – and your genes.

In fact, these genes influence the production of various brain chemicals that can influence just ‘how much’ empathy you have.  These brain chemicals include those that influence orgasm, and it’s effect on how bonded you feel, while also influencing some aspects of mental health (No, no!  That is not a good mix!).

Other brain chemicals influence how much innate and learned fear you have.  However, females don’t seem to assess threats well, and the chemicals then increase her social interactions while at the same time she is not assessing fear and threats well (This is not a good thing!!).

One of the final chemical effects delays your reflexes (like not getting out of the relationship), and also impacts your short and long term memory (how you easily store good memories that are very strong, and how you store bad memories which are easily forgotten).  And, since it is genetic, it can run in entire families that produce ‘gullible’ and ‘trusting’ individuals who seem to just keep getting hurt.

Of course, the reverse is also true.  Genes can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence ‘how little’ empathy a person has.  We already know in great detail how this affects those with personality disorders.  Personality disordered people (especially Cluster B disorders) struggle with not experiencing, or not having any empathy.

Over the past few years, the magazine has been writing about various aspects of personality disorder and the brain.  This has included the issue of brain imaging.  What we are finding out is how brain structure and chemicals can affect personality, empathy, behavior, and consequently, the behavior in relationships.  As advances are made in the field of neurobiology, we are learning more and more of what The Institute has always believed – that there is a lot of biology behind personality development issues such as personality disorders.  Genetics and neurobiology are proving that behavior associated with narcissism, borderline, anti-social personality disorders, along with psychopathy has as much to do with brain wiring and chemistry as it does with behavioral intent.

The Institute has long said to survivors that personality disorders are not merely willful behavior, but brain deficits that control how much empathy, compassion, conscience, guilt, insight, and change a person is capable.  Autism and personality disorders share a common thread as ‘empathy spectrum disorders’ now being studied extensively within the field of neuroscience.  But, in some opposite ways, the women also share a common thread of an empathy disorder – hyper-empathy.  We are coming to understand that hyper-empathy has much to do with her innate temperament (you come into the world wired with the personality you have), genetic predispositions to high or low empathy, and brain chemistry configurations that contribute to levels of empathy. The old thinking which assumes women with high empathy are merely ‘door mats’ is not scientifically correct when looking at current studies.

Neuroscience, with all its awesome information, has the dynamic power to blow us all out of the murky waters of assuming that our behavior is merely a reflection of our will.  As neuroscience graces our minds with new understanding of how our brains work, it brings with it incredible freedom to understand our own traits, and the pathological traits of others.

For a mind blowing book on the genetic and neurobiology of not only personality disorders, but ‘evil’ as well, read Barbara Oakley’s book, Evil Genes, or her latest book on hyper-empathy entitled, Cold-Blooded Kindness.

(**Information on your super-traits is in the award-winning Women Who Love Psychopaths, which is also taught during retreats, in phone sessions, and to mental health professionals.  Please go to www.saferelationshipmagazine.com for more information)

All Memory is Not Created Equal – Positive Memory Seepage

Intrusive thoughts are associated with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, as well as other emotional trauma disorders.  Many survivors say that the most painful memories are not the intrusive thoughts of all the bad ‘stuff,’ or even the violence – what is most painful is the intrusive thoughts of good memories.

Intrusive thoughts are not just bad thoughts or flashbacks.  They can be intrusive from positive memories as well.  Positive memories are embedded with deep emotional and psychological ‘meaning.’  The meaning of the relationship, various happy moments, the deep feelings of attachment, fantastic sex – can all be power packed into positive memories.  Positive memories are also embedded with all the sights, sounds, smells, sensations, feelings, and the associated meaning of the events and remembrances of a happier time.  The positive memories can also be tied up with a ribbon of fantasy and romanticized feelings.  That’s a lot of ‘power’ packed into a few positive memories, and has the TNT emotional factor that overrides your ‘stay-away-from-him’ resolve.

All memories are not stored the same way.  I’ve talked about this before in our books.  Positive memory is stored differently in the brain, and is more easily accessible than some of the bad memories.  Many traumatic memories are stored in another part of the brain that makes them harder to access.  Sometimes the more traumatic they are, the harder it is to remember.

Unfortunately, what you might want to remember most is the bad part of the relationship, so it motivates you to stay away from it.  But instead, you are murky, and are not always fresh in your mind about ‘why’ you should be avoiding the pathological relationship. What IS easy to remember is all the positive memories.  In fact, what has become intrusive is positive memory seepage.  This is when all the good times and the associated ‘senses’ (taste, touch, smell, etc.) are flooding your mind.  You easily remember the good times and easily forget the bad times – all based on how, and where these types of memories are stored in the brain.  You may NEED the bad memories for emotional reinforcement, however all you REMEMBER are the good ones.

That which is held internally is amplified.  Almost like putting it under a magnifying glass – the feelings, memories, senses – are all BIGGER and STRONGER when the memory simply rolls around in your head.  It’s a lot like a pinball machine – memories pinging and ponging off of the internal elements.  The more it pings and pongs, the stronger the memory moves around the mind.

Memories kept in the mind also take on surreal-like qualities.  Certain parts are like a movie – fantasy based and romanticized.  The positive memories are dipped in crystallized sugar and become tantalizing treats, instead of toxic treats!  While engaged in this positive memory seepage – it doesn’t feel like you are indulging your self in toxic memories.  It feels like you are trying to ‘process’ the relationship – ‘Why did we do this?’ ‘Did he say that?’ ‘Why was it like that then, but it’s like this now?’  It feels like what you are trying to do is to sort out the relationship.  But all the sorting of this dirty laundry still leaves the same amount of clothing piled in your head. You are just moving the same shirt from pile to pile – but it’s all the same dirty laundry.  Nothing is getting cleaned up.

Positive memory seepage, as intrusive thought, is a big contributor to the cognitive dissonance women feel in the aftermath of these relationships.  Cognitive Dissonance (or C.D. as we refer to it) is the difficulty of trying to hold two opposing thoughts or beliefs at the same time – it’s usually something like, ‘He’s good” AND “He’s bad’ –’How can he be good AND bad?   Just trying to resolve that particular thought can leave women’s minds tangled up for years.  C.D. can single handedly take women down – it can cause her to be unable to concentrate, work, sleep, eat, or function overall.  It’s like the image of the devil sitting on one shoulder, and the angel sitting on the other shoulder, and they are both whispering in your ear.  That’s exactly what C.D. is like – trying to decide which thing you are going to believe – that he’s bad for you, or that he’s good for you.

Positive memory seepage produces intrusive thoughts.  Intrusive thoughts, especially about positive memories, produce cognitive dissonance.  These emotional processes feed each other like a blood-induced shark fest.  It’s one of the single reasons women don’t disengage from the relationship, heal, or return to a higher level of functioning.  Now that we’ve identified ‘what’ is really at the heart of the aftermath of symptoms, we know that treating C.D. is really the most important recovery factor in pathological love relationships.  It’s why we have developed various tools to manage it – Maintaining Mindfulness in the Midst of Obsession, e-book and two CD’s, as well as our retreats, 1:1s, etc.  The quickest way to recover is by learning to manage the intrusive thoughts and cognitive dissonance.  A managed mind makes life feel much more manageable too!

Loving Your Self Part II

 

In the last column, we looked at the Self, and how a balanced love of Self has a profound effect on the healing of an individual – especially in terms of healing from pathological love.  Anyone who has experienced a relationship with a pathological person can relate to the effects it has on the body, soul, and spirit.  It is a type of relationship that circumstantially binds you at a soul level, and robs you of freedom.

 

The loss of freedom can be experienced in many ways.  One may first think of loosing the freedom to move about at will – doing what is intended.  This is indeed a loss of freedom, but within a pathological relationship or situation, loss of freedom takes on a much deeper and broader scope.  Because of the intensified and dysfunctional dynamics within the relationship, one may perceive a loss of freedom as it pertains to their mind, will, and emotions.

 

Let’s define each.  The mind is defined as, “The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.”  This is an all-encompassing definition that could be taken apart and investigated further if space allowed.  It is also defined as “sanity.”  Within a pathological relationship, the feeling of loosing ones freedom, and the loss of sanity can merge together.  A definition of the will states, “The mental faculty by which one deliberately chooses or decides upon a course or action.”  Emotion is defined as, “a mental state that arises spontaneously rather than through conscious effort, and is often accompanied by physiological changes; a feeling.”  With the knowledge of these definitions, one can see how a perceived loss of freedom manifests within an individual on these levels, and thus, creates much of the reality within the relationship.

 

Try the following brief exercise – for a moment, be still and become aware of where you ‘are’ emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in your life at this time.  Breathe, and become aware of your present state.  What is coming into your awareness; what thoughts are passing?  How do you feel – are you grounded, balanced, stable, free, or do you feel unsteady, bound, or unbalanced?  Are you able to sit still for a moment’s time, or are your thoughts racing so that you are unable to still yourself?  Are you fearful to sit with a quiet Self?  Just notice what is happening, don’t criticize.

 

Now, take another moment and see if you can remember the ‘way’ you were before you entered into the pathological relationship.  (Some may not be able to do this part of the exercise because they have never known a time in life without pathology.)  What do you remember about yourself – how did you feel?  What thoughts are passing?  Were you free?  Again, do not criticize or judge yourself, or your thoughts.  You may not be able to remember how it felt before entering into the grips of pathology, depending on the length of the relationship or situation.  This part of the exercise may stir feelings of uneasiness, but what it is intended to do is to help you become aware of life before pathology, and what life could be like after healing from the effects of pathology.

 

Take another moment sitting quietly and still, envisioning what you might feel like, or be, if you were healed from the effects of the pathological relationship.  If you can, imagine and feel the freedom of being without the constant mind chatter, the anxiety, frustration, and fear that subtly surrounds the whole of the relationship.  What comes into your awareness, what thoughts are passing?  How do you feel now?  Are you getting any sense of what you could possibly experience if you were rid of the dysfunction that has embedded itself not only in your life, but within your very Self?

 

As was mentioned in the prior column, sometimes the most amazing part of psychological scarring is the wounded individual not realizing the damaged that has occurred, until they awaken from the effects of pathology.  The above exercise is meant to help you look within.  It is not meant to be a meditative practice, or a time to become self-absorbed in memories, either good or bad.  It’s purpose is for brief awareness – to get your self into a positive and hopeful state of what ‘could be.’

 

Most people inherently know their true Self lies within.  They know there is a place that is unscarred, a place that is whole and free.  They may have known a time when they felt it, or they may have imagined it, but they know it is there because we are all born with it.  Often times the Self retreats, and is no longer known to us because of the messages we received and believed in life.

 

Everyone received messages as children.  The first come from our parents or caregivers, and those within the family unit.  These primary messages lay a foundation for much of who we believe we are.  If reared by pathological individuals, most of the messages that are conferred are either twisted versions of the truth, or have no semblance of truth to them at all.  Children tend to believe those who raise them, thinking they are wiser and know best.  The messages are then internalized, and the scarring begins.

 

As a person grows, they receive other messages from their peers, schools, culture, media, religious affiliation, and society in general.  These filter in and can add many other layers of misinformation about the person.  Wrong teachings run rampant in many areas of life, and build other layers of twisted self-worth as one grows into adulthood.

 

Then, there are love relationships, and the messages that are received from lovers and spouses.  When misinformation from the growing years is internalized, the outcome for most relationships is dysfunction.  People tend to gravitate to what they know – what they are comfortable with.  When children are raised in dysfunctional or pathological homes, they usually choose partners whose behaviors or personality resembles that of their parents.  So, many times, the messages these people heard from their parents while growing up, comes around again, only this time from a lover or spouse.  More messages – more misinformation.

 

Last are the messages we send to our Self.  These are perhaps the most ingrained and difficult messages to overcome.  Why?  Because we self-talk all of the time.  We are always listening to our own voice.  Many times we don’t really believe all of what we hear from our Self, but it’s still with us, sticking like gum on the bottom of a shoe.  Ridding our Self of these messages, whether from others, or those we tell ourselves requires time, patience, skill, and awareness.  Once a person becomes serious about eradicating the misinformation that was messaged to them, they will be able to siphon out what doesn’t fit, and bring in new messages that fits the truth about their Self.

 

During the following months, we will look at more ways to work holistically with the body, mind, and spirit to assist you in your journey in finding your true Self – your journey to wholeness.

 

(Before starting any health program, please consult your physician, or a licensed or certified individual in a particular area.  The practices and comments in these articles are meant as suggestions for healing.  They may not be appropriate or helpful for all individuals. Use with your own discretion.  Seeking professional assistance from a physician, therapist, or practitioner is highly recommended for additional advice.)

Mutual Pathology: Gasoline and Fire

Pathology is a mental health issue, not a gender issue.  Women have just as much pathology in some areas of personality disorders, as men do in other areas of personality disorders.  Some of the 10 personality disorders present more in men, while some of the disorders present more in women.

As you have heard me say over the years, pathology is pathology – meaning that each personality disorder has it’s own problems and challenges in relationships, but mainly holds to the central three aspects that I talk about related to pathology:

1.    The inability to grow to any true emotional or spiritual depth.

2.    The inability to consistently sustain positive change.

3.    The inability to have insight about how one’s behavior negatively
affects others.

Given those three aspects of personality disorders, we can easily see how each of the different types of personality disorders can be linked together by these three ‘inabilities.’

While men may be more bent towards Anti-Social Personality Disorder or psychopathy, women may show more of a bent towards Histrionic, Dependent, or Borderline Personality Disorder.  When you have a man with a personality disorder coupled with a personality disordered women – it equals Jerry Springer Dynamics!

There is no guarantee that there is only one pathological in the relationship.  Women have just as much mental illness, addictions, and personality disorders as men.  It’s quite common for people with a personality disorder to hook up with another disordered individual.  When this happens you have two people who can’t grow to any true depth emotionally or spiritually, two people who can’t sustain positive change, and two people who don’t have insight about how their behavior affects others.  These relationships are dramatic fire-beds of emotionality, addiction, and violence.

Women’s pathology is just as damaging to men as men’s pathology is to women.  Women’s pathology may present differently than men’s overt aggression related to their pathology, but it is not any less problematic.  Women’s pathology can sometimes (and I use the word ‘sometimes’ lightly) be subtle when it is masked behind emotional dependency, sexual addiction, sexual manipulation, financial dependency, or high emotionality.  Those types of symptoms can be associated with more than just a personality disorder.  But women’s pathology is just as damaging to a partner, a boss, their family, friends, and God forbid, the effects it has on their children.

While women are more likely to be diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, borderlines are often misdiagnosed, and under-diagnosed psychopaths and anti-socials.  There seems to be somewhat of a gender-bias when it comes to diagnosing women with psychopathy.  Unless they have participated in a Bonnie and Clyde-type episode, or made the America’s Most Wanted television program, they are likely to be downgraded in their pathology.  Dramatic, highly emotional, or self-injuring women may be downgraded to Histrionic, Narcissistic, or Borderline Personality Disorder.   Those with a little more flare for hiding their real lives may warrant the same diagnosis as male psychopaths.  Their ability to hide it better, or having less violence associated with their behavior, goes undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed.  But not all female psychopaths are non-violent.  Many are horribly violent – to their children and their partners – yet always present themselves as the victims.  These are the women most likely to press unwarranted domestic violence assaults, cry rape that didn’t happen, and abandon their children.  The point is, both genders can have personality disorders and each personality disorder may, or may not, present in a slightly different way in the other gender.

Beyond mutual pathology, a woman’s own mental health can influence the dynamics within a relationship with a pathological man. A woman that has bipolar disorder that is untreated, and who is in a relationship with a borderline male, can bring unusually dramatic dynamics to the relationship. Their fluctuations in mood can ignite a feeding frenzy of boiling anger in both which is likely to lead to violence.  Both partners having a substance abuse or alcohol problem can certainly fuel the relationship dynamics in further, severely negative ways.

Let’s not overlook the ‘model’ of pathological behavior that women often get from being raised in a home with a pathological parent.  She brings to the relationship the pathological-like behaviors that are learned within pathological families.  I have seen this in sessions with women (and hear it a lot in the emails I receive) where the pathological affects of her childhood, adult life, or past or current relationship is negatively affecting her worldview, current level of functioning, as well as the entitlement attitudes she brings to the table.  Couple any of HER mental health issues and situations along with HIS pathology, and you have some of the most volatile and difficult relationships and breakups in history.

There has been many times in working with women that I recognize he is not the only problem in the scenario.  Not all women in pathological relationships are mentally ill.  However, some women in pathological relationships ARE mentally ill.  Some of her own mental illness can be the gasoline on the fire of the pathological love relationship that fans the flames of danger for her. Red flags, for me, that show there is possible mental health issues with her includes the following:

•    Entitlement
•    Chronic victim mentality
•    Unregulated mood issues not amenable to treatment/medication
•    Chronically returning to the pathological relationship
•    Replacing relationships with more pathological relationships
•    History of unsuccessful counseling/treatment
•    Doesn’t take responsibility for her own behaviors/choices

These represent only a few of the many symptoms that could indicate a possible mental health issue in the woman as well.  Clearly, pathology is not gender specific. Pathology and other mental health issues in both parties can accelerate the dangerousness and problems seen in pathological love relationships.

Real Love not Just Real Attraction

So many people confuse the feeling of attraction with the emotion of love.  For some who are in chronically dangerous and pathological relationships, it’s obvious that you have these two elements ‘mixed up.’  Not being able to untangle these understandably, can keep people on the same path of unsafe relationship selection, because they keep choosing the same way and getting the same people!

Attraction is largely not only unconscious, but also physical.  There is actually something called ‘erotic imprint’ which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction (I talk about this in the Dangerous Man book).  Our erotic imprint is literally ‘imprinted’ in our psyches when we are young – at that age when you begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex.  As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive.  For instance, I like stocky, fair-haired men.  Whenever I see that type of image, I immediately find that man ‘attractive.’  I can vary slightly on my attraction, but I’m not going to find Brad Pitt attractive.  I might forego the full ‘stocky’ appearance, but I’m not going to let go of some of the other traits that make men appealing to me.  We like what we like.  For instance, I am attracted to Johnny Depp or George Cloney.  I don’t like any of the blondes or overly tall and lanky body types.

If you think back to what your ‘attraction basis’ is you may find some patterns there as well.  Attraction, however, can also be behavioral, or based on emotional characteristics.  For instance, some women are attracted to guys with a great sense of humor.  The attraction is based on that particular characteristic.  Other women may be attracted to athletic guys, not because of what physical exercise does to their bodies, but because of the behavioral qualities of athletes.  Attraction can be subtle – like the unconscious erotic imprinting that makes us select men based on physical attributes – or attraction may lead us to choose relationships based on behaviors or emotional characteristics like displays of empathy, helpfulness, or friendliness.  (I have discussed your own high traits of empathy, helpfulness, and friendliness in Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

Although these traits might guide our relationship selection, this is not the foundation of love.  It’s the foundation of selection.   Often, our relationship selection comes more from attraction then it does anything else.  So knowing ‘who’ and ‘what types’ you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection.  Some people choose characteristics – helpfulness, humor, gentleness, or another quality that they seem to be drawn to.  Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a ‘go’ or a ‘no.’ Maybe you like blonds or blue eyes.  This may also drive your pattern of selection.

Also, in the area of attraction – sometimes it’s Traumatic Attraction that seems to drive our patterns of selection. Those who have been abused, especially as children, can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection.  This will be discussed in further detail in the next newsletter.

This Valentine’s Day, be very clear about love and attraction.  This is a time when you might be likely to want to reconnect with him.  Let me remind you, NOTHING has changed.  His pathology is still the same. On February 15th you could hate yourself for reconnecting with him for one weak moment on February 14th, in which the world is focused on love, but he is focused on manipulation, control, or anything OTHER than love.  If you open that door, then you will have weeks or months of trying to get him out and disconnect again.

Instead, plan ahead for your potential relapse by setting up an accountability partner AND something to do!  Go to a movie with a friend, go out to dinner, or do SOMETHING that takes responsibility and action for your own loneliness at this time of year.  Whatever you do, don’t have a knee-jerk reaction and contact him.  One day on the calendar about love is just an ILLUSION!

Loving Your Self

“Something inside you emerges…. An innate, indwelling peace, stillness, aliveness.  It is the unconditioned, who you are in your essence.  It is what you had been looking for in the love object.  It is yourself.”  ~Eckhart Tolle

 In the tradition of Valentine’s Day, February becomes a time when we celebrate love and romance.  We give or receive tokens of love in material forms, and hopefully, love is given and received in emotional, physical, and spiritual ways.  This is very beautiful, when it is truly love.  With all the emphasis put of love between lovers, we forget the most important form of love – loving your Self.

Loving the Self can be challenging for most people, but can prove beyond reason for those who have had life experiences with pathological individuals.  Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with a pathological, whether in a family, career, or love situation knows how damaged one can feel as a result of the relationship.  It can be described as a psychologically invoking lockdown of the mind and soul, an emotional coma that robs one their freedom.  The most amazing part is that the psychologically wounded individual does not even realize the damage that has happened until they awaken from the effects of pathology.  It is in this awaking that one can begin the process of loving the Self.

Self can be viewed as one’s true nature, their essence or spirit, who one truly is.  It is said to be pure consciousness, presence, or awareness.  We are a triune being made up of body, soul, and spirit, so our Self could be looked at as the part deep within that was created in the image and likeness of God.  It is the deepest part within each one of us that is our home base, the part that transcends above the wounds we endure.  The key is to be able to tap into this part of our being, so that we may see ourselves as we really are – our wholeness.  If we could come to the point where we awaken from our present state, this ability to love our Self is possible, and without question, attainable.  But, it takes time, and a deep wanting to get to the truth about who you are, so that you may come to find your true Self – and that’s where loving your Self begins.

The concept of self-love can seem arrogant or even narcissistic to some people.  We can see how this might be the case through misguided teachings within our families, schools, and religious institutions.  Because of this, many have a skewed idea of self-love.  But to love your Self in balance is to love at the core of your innermost being.  If you don’t love yourself it is impossible to love others.  Having said this, take a good look at the ‘love’ that you have brought to some of your relationships.  The feelings might be there, as well as the emotions and the intentions, but love in its true essence is missing.  This is especially true in a pathological relationship.  If the pathological is unable to truly love, and their partner is not aware of their own Self, how can love be the foundation of the relationship?

Many people, especially those in pathological relationships, are so busy trying to generate ‘love’ within the relationship, and keeping the other person content, that they eventually loose sight of who they have become.  They forget to love and nurture their Self.  Many have never even known what it is like to love their Self.  It is hopefully, at the point of frustration, of hitting bottom, that the desire to know ones Self comes about.

The desire to find oneself, and the steps one may take to begin this process varies with each individual. Some may take a religious approach, finding peace within their place of worship, others may gravitate towards a more psychological approached, some may use physical exercise and body works, while others take from various disciplines and integrate several practices. Whatever path one chooses, the first step is always the same – a desire to come to a place of peace.  When we open ourselves to wanting to know the truth of who we really are, it is amazing to see how people and situations are put in our life that assist in leading us to this knowledge to awaken.

My point of awakening came on a Saturday morning one February.  I had always known that my true Self was somewhere in me, and needed to be found, but I had no idea how to find me.  After many years of hearing ‘what’ I was, ‘who’ I was, or what I was suppose to ‘be,’ I decided to search for the real me.  When I became serious about this desire, things began to unfold like a map.  Sometimes I knew the direction to take, and sometimes I just went along, but I kept moving forward searching for the most important person in my life – me.  Situations and people were put into my life, one after another, and then one day I realized why a particular person was placed in my life. That person’s presence would change who I was in a most profound way and I would never be the same.  It was because of this individual, and the surrounding circumstances, that I awakened and was able to see my true Self, and then to love my Self.

When you come to this point, a shift takes place within, and every distorted thought about yourself is seen as misinformation.  You learn to separate fact from fiction – what others have projected onto you, as opposed to your true identity.  The shift is so profound, and the truth so clear, that you experience a sense of freedom within like never before.  Someone once told me, “I feel so free that it scares the heck out of me.”  This is understandable.  For so long, maybe for most of your life, you have been imprisoned by the parameters of others thoughts and their behaviors toward you, not to mention your own self-induced fears that limited your ability to see the truth in you.  Because of this, freedom can be unnerving.  Once you become accustomed to this freedom, real peace, love, and contentment become commonplace in life.  You are then able to move forward in confidence.  It is always wise to be aware of who and what is placed in your life, because you don’t know whom or what is there to bring you to this point of awakening.

If you have lived with the frustration of not knowing who you really are, if you have been subject to pathology and the inner turmoil that it causes, and if you know that somewhere along the way you lost yourself, then it is time to put all else on hold and concentrate on finding you.  Coming to your true Self is a climatic part of your life journey.  It is the missing piece that is needed in truly loving your Self.

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