So, you are tired, disgusted, disturbed, frustrated, depleted.  Choose one or more of the descriptives – add any others that may fit how you feel as the result of dealing with an individual who is personality disordered.  I could list a plethora of descriptives to describe the feelings that accompany the hot mess of pathology, however, there is only so much space allotted for this writing.  Writing a list of descriptive feelings, and studying the definitions that accompany each word can be a very useful tool in getting a clear picture of what is going on inside your self. Writing is a very cathartic means of dealing with feelings.  It is a way of ‘purging onto the page’ all of the internal toxic emotions that are festering and causing harm to your body, mind and spirit.

Words are powerful.  Think of all the words, or phrases that were hurled your way (and still may be being hurled) by the disordered individual.  Do any of these words or phrases sound hauntingly familiar – ‘I was just retaliating to how YOU behave,’ ‘What’s wrong with YOU,’  ‘YOU will never be able to do that,’ ‘Can’t YOU do anything right,’ ‘YOU take everything so personally,’ ‘I’m not having this conversation with YOU,’ ‘YOU don’t know when to shut your mouth,’ ‘Can’t YOU let anything go,’ ‘It’s how YOU are perceiving things,’ – and on, and on.  Notice how the key word in all of these phrases is ‘YOU.’  YOU, in these statements assigns BLAME – ‘YOU’ are to BLAME.  ‘YOU’ is numbing.  How much damage do you think the word ‘you’ has caused in your life?  After reading this, probably more than you think.

This puts a whole new meaning to the saying, ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.’  In this case, the most hurtful name that was used repeatedly to break you down was – YOU.  Your very essence – you – was used as a tool against you for your destruction.  Ironically sickening when you think about it.  The ‘you’ of you, was twisted and turned into a means of degradation in a most vile way, to be used by the predator as a weapon that cut to your core.  You, who are a sacred being, was then reduced to a pile of shame, blame, and guilt, all because of a word that was used against you in a very powerful and destructive way.

This is the nature of pathologically disordered individuals. Their ability to twist, con, and manipulate with words is second to none.  Many possess the gift of gab, and present themselves as excellent communicators. Their best means of communication seems to be in how they use the spoken word against others, however, never being accountable for what proceeds from their mouth.  They have no desire or means to communicate with purpose or to have a fair fight.  Negotiations do not exists, and you can throw compromise out the window. Wrangling with words with a pathological individual, especially one that is proficient with psychological head games is useless.  They have a one-track mind, and that track is for winning – winning at everything and anything no matter what the cost.  Arguing is a waste of time and energy that should be reserved for leaving the situation and healing.

The partner of the pathological, or children who are reared by pathological individuals internalize so much.  The words they hear have a profound effect on their psyche.  Perception of ones self is then skewed, and the victim accepts the assigned blame of ‘wrongness’ that is thrown onto their personhood.  Words dictated by the pathological can cause irreparable damage, and if healing is ever sought after, it can be a slow and cumbersome process.  Words can destroy – but words can also heal.

Part of the healing process can start with writing and defining how you feel, as mentioned at the beginning of this column.  It doesn’t matter if you are a good writer or not, putting words and thoughts onto a page is both healing and restorative.  Writing helps to clear your head and your heart of unwanted and toxic emotions.  Keeping a day-to-day journal can help you identify patterns of your own thoughts or behaviors that are destructive, and can be used as a tool for self-awareness and progressive change.

A way to start is by writing down words of how you currently feel, defining them, and then writing words of how you would like to feel and defining them, also.  Meditate and mull over what the definitions mean, and how it applies to your current emotional state.  This can open up thoughts or reactions that will naturally lead you into a mode of more descriptive writing.  Don’t censor what you write, unless you feel someone may invade your privacy.  In that case, do what you can to get the messages across to yourself for healing, without compromising your safety or wellbeing.  Set aside a certain time of day, and try to commit to making this a priority time just for you.  Once journaling becomes habitual, your writings will lead you into places that foster your creativity and assist in your healing. You may find that your time of writing becomes a comforting and soothing time – like a healing balm.  It is a time to be with yourself, and to enjoy your own company.  Writing can be a means in the process of starting to love and accept your self. It may open you up to the ‘shadow’ aspects of your self, as well as to those beautiful parts that may have been hidden for some time.

With this being said, I want to suggest those who have symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, or any other disorder that may react in a way that is not conducive for your wellbeing, to refrain from writing or journaling as it may be counterproductive to your healing process.  If you are uncertain if you deal with these issues and journaling becomes very uncomfortable for you, stop the process.  This will be discussed in next month’s column.

You can use journaling to write about everyday events, or it can be streamlined into writing about what you dream at night, the results of meditation practices, or about specific events or people in your life.  It’s your writings, so you get to choose what best fits you and your style.  The purpose is to allow you to get in touch with what’s going on inside, and to assist you in the healing process.

Let’s take another look at the power of words – and this time look at the words and phrases that help to heal. Take time to remember someone telling you, ‘YOU look great,’ ‘I like the way YOU think,’ ‘YOU did a great job,’ ‘YOU are beautiful,’  ‘YOU are very smart,’ ‘I love talking with YOU,’ ‘I don’t know what I would do without YOU,’ ‘YOU are a great friend,’ ‘YOU are a gift from God.’ Words of encouragement are words that come from the hearts and mouths of those whose intention is to encourage and uplift.  These are the words that we are all meant to take in and to allow them to cover us with their power to heal.

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