Search Results for: super traits

Super Traits of Personality Audio Series

The traits of survivors that are ‘targeted’ by disordered partners are often assumed to be connected to codependency or being an ’empath.’  Our research with Purdue University shows that over 60% of survivors are NOT codependent and elevated ’empathy’ producing ’empathic responses’ is only one of 13 OTHER traits that are also elevated, needing the same attention paid to elevated empathy. 
 
In this three-part tele conference, Sandra deeply discusses all the traits that are targeted and what survivors MUST know to guard more than empathy.  She also compares and contrasts codependency to Super Traits of Personality so survivors can determine whether codependency is truly what is going on with them.  (3 tele-conferences approx 3 hours).

Super Traits of Personality, Part 1: Agreeableness

Copyright © 2019 by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Super Traits of Personality, Part 2: Concientiousness

Copyright © 2019 by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Super Traits of Personality, Part 3: Comparing Codependency and Super Traits

Copyright © 2019 by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

The Living Recovery Program

If you found the audio series helpful, you likely will benefit from the Living Recovery Program.

The Living Recovery Program is an Institute for Relational Harm Reduction comprehensive and affordable approach to recovery from a Pathological Love Relationship (with a Cluster B/ Psychopathic partner). Utilizing our Pathological Love Relationship Puzzle approach, we help you through the puzzling maze of pathology and its aftermath.

Learn more about the Living Recovery Program here.

Women Who Love Psychopaths – 3rd. Ed. – e-book

Women Who Love Psychopaths – 3rd Edition – e-Book

Now Available!

By field-pioneer and survivor therapy innovator, Sandra L. Brown, M.A. with Jennifer R. Young, The Institute’s Director of Survivor Services (counseling).

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education is the field-leader and innovator in PLR survivor treatment, research and education. The Institute has created the only recognized Model of Care Treatment approach for PLR survivors following Trauma-Informed Care practices and evidence-based treatment approaches. Sandra is the President of the Association for NPD/Psychopathy Survivor Treatment, Research & Education. www.survivortreatment.com

New in the 3rd edition of Women Who Love Psychopaths:

MORE information than the previous edition of the book!  Since the release of the 2nd Edition nine years ago, we have been hard at work in the areas of survivor recovery techniques, therapist treatment training, and research—what traits in survivors are targeted.

This 3rd Edition contains new material such as:
  • All of our most recent updates on new knowledge of trauma-specific injuries like cognitive dissonance
  • New updates on Super Traits taken from our research with Purdue University
  • Our latest findings on why therapists are missing trauma in survivors because of the ‘atypical’ presentation of PTSD
  • What to look for when finding competent care
  • The basics of what every recovery should include
  • And so much more…
This is the ‘ultimate field guide for recovery’ taking more than three years to prepare and write. It is not only The Institute’s latest book but the FINAL full-length book on Pathological and Toxic Love Relationships.

This book, complete with survivor worksheets and information for assessing partner possible disorders, can help –

Survivors

  • Understand your own personality profile (identified as ‘targeted’ by these disordered personalities), taken from our 30 years of treating the survivors and the only research ever done on narcissist and psychopath’s victims, so that you can take pro-active steps to guard these ‘super traits’ (that are most targeted) by preventing another painful relationship
  • Make sense of the crazy-making relationship dynamics, ‘why they do that,’ how they differ from other dysfunctional relationships, why you didn’t see them coming, and how to spot them in the future
  • Learn what disordered personalities can never do in relationships, how their disorders were created and the neuroscience of their brain (which prevents lasting change), use our worksheets to see which disorders they are likely to have, what you can expect from their functionality, and why you were so harmed
  • Understand the #1 symptom in all Pathological Love Relationship (PLR) survivors—cognitive dissonance, how it’s created, what survivors are likely doing that is INCREASING traumatic symptoms, and the layers of cognitive dissonance which each need focused recovery treatment or self-help
  • Wonder why a therapist has missed your trauma symptoms? Understand the undiscussed reality of the unique type of PLR PTSD that has atypical symptoms that therapists don’t recognize. Recognize how cognitive dissonance is making your PLR PTSD worse and what needs to happen
  • Assess your own traumatic symptoms, fix why your recovery has stalled, use our guides to find competent care and learn what to avoid, understand why your therapist might be missing important clues to your needed treatment, and learn what your therapist needs to know
  • Think you are codependent or an empath? Learn why these are likely untrue, why you won’t get well getting treatment for these, and what you need to focus on
  • Have you been told you just need to ‘trust your gut’ to avoid a PLR in the future! Learn why this is not true for PLR PTSD survivors and why doing exactly that is likely to end up in another PLR! Learn why you have inconsistent intuition and what trauma has done to your intuition system
  • Want to institute self-help measures? Get our Recovery Basics that can get you on the path to recovery even before you find a therapist

Family and Friends 

  • What you should know about what the survivor has been through and why she isn’t getting over it quickly
  • The depth and breadth of her traumatic injuries and what she needs in order to recover

Therapists of the Survivors 

  • Stop wrong diagnosis, understand hidden atypical PTSD symptoms, identify the risk factors inherent in her personality trait elevations, work with the #1 often hidden symptom in this genre-specific population

General Public 

  • Learn the signs and symptoms of life and soul-destroying disorders—the impact to the partner, children, and societal systems—before you end up in one of these relationships of ‘inevitable harm,’ and why everyone should be concerned.
Sandra says, “I am enormously proud of this book–we have come so far in being able to document the theory of Pathological Relationships, a much deeper understanding of why the trauma is so severe, the strategic problems most survivors are having in finding competent care and more importantly, what they can do now to stop worsening their trauma.  It is absolutely everything I know and have to say as one of the pioneering therapists in this field.”

Price: $11.00

Available in EPUB format, which works with most e-readers, and PDF, which can be downloaded to your computer and read without the need for an e-reader.

EPUB format for most e-readers

Price: $11.00

 

EPUB

PDF format for computer download

Price: $11.00

 

PDF

Women Who Love Psychopaths, 3rd Ed. – Print

Media
Format:
 

Women Who Love Psychopaths – 3rd Edition

3rd (and final) Edition of Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists

By field-pioneer and survivor therapy innovator, Sandra L. Brown, M.A. with Jennifer R. Young, The Institute’s Director of Survivor Services (counseling).

Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Jennifer R. Young, L.M.H.C

The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education is the field-leader and innovator in PLR survivor treatment, research and education. The Institute has created the only recognized Model of Care Treatment approach for PLR survivors following Trauma-Informed Care practices and evidence-based treatment approaches. Sandra is the President of the Association for NPD/Psychopathy Survivor Treatment, Research & Education. www.survivortreatment.com

New in the 3rd edition of Women Who Love Psychopaths:

MORE information than the previous edition of the book!  Since the release of the 2nd Edition nine years ago, we have been hard at work in the areas of survivor recovery techniques, therapist treatment training, and research—what traits in survivors are targeted.

This 3rd Edition contains new material such as:
  • All of our most recent updates on new knowledge of trauma-specific injuries like cognitive dissonance
  • New updates on Super Traits taken from our research with Purdue University
  • Our latest findings on why therapists are missing trauma in survivors because of the ‘atypical’ presentation of PTSD
  • What to look for when finding competent care
  • The basics of what every recovery should include
  • And so much more…
This is the ‘ultimate field guide for recovery’ taking more than three years to prepare and write. It is not only The Institute’s latest book but the FINAL full-length book on Pathological and Toxic Love Relationships.

This book, complete with survivor worksheets and information for assessing partner possible disorders, can help –

Survivors

  • Understand your own personality profile (identified as ‘targeted’ by these disordered personalities), taken from our 30 years of treating the survivors and the only research ever done on narcissist and psychopath’s victims, so that you can take pro-active steps to guard these ‘super traits’ (that are most targeted) by preventing another painful relationship
  • Make sense of the crazy-making relationship dynamics, ‘why they do that,’ how they differ from other dysfunctional relationships, why you didn’t see them coming, and how to spot them in the future
  • Learn what disordered personalities can never do in relationships, how their disorders were created and the neuroscience of their brain (which prevents lasting change), use our worksheets to see which disorders they are likely to have, what you can expect from their functionality, and why you were so harmed
  • Understand the #1 symptom in all Pathological Love Relationship (PLR) survivors—cognitive dissonance, how it’s created, what survivors are likely doing that is INCREASING traumatic symptoms, and the layers of cognitive dissonance which each need focused recovery treatment or self-help
  • Wonder why a therapist has missed your trauma symptoms? Understand the undiscussed reality of the unique type of PLR PTSD that has atypical symptoms that therapists don’t recognize. Recognize how cognitive dissonance is making your PLR PTSD worse and what needs to happen
  • Assess your own traumatic symptoms, fix why your recovery has stalled, use our guides to find competent care and learn what to avoid, understand why your therapist might be missing important clues to your needed treatment, and learn what your therapist needs to know
  • Think you are codependent or an empath? Learn why these are likely untrue, why you won’t get well getting treatment for these, and what you need to focus on
  • Have you been told you just need to ‘trust your gut’ to avoid a PLR in the future! Learn why this is not true for PLR PTSD survivors and why doing exactly that is likely to end up in another PLR! Learn why you have inconsistent intuition and what trauma has done to your intuition system
  • Want to institute self-help measures? Get our Recovery Basics that can get you on the path to recovery even before you find a therapist

Family and Friends 

  • What you should know about what the survivor has been through and why she isn’t getting over it quickly
  • The depth and breadth of her traumatic injuries and what she needs in order to recover

Therapists of the Survivors 

  • Stop wrong diagnosis, understand hidden atypical PTSD symptoms, identify the risk factors inherent in her personality trait elevations, work with the #1 often hidden symptom in this genre-specific population

General Public 

  • Learn the signs and symptoms of life and soul-destroying disorders—the impact to the partner, children, and societal systems—before you end up in one of these relationships of ‘inevitable harm,’ and why everyone should be concerned.

Sandra says, “I am enormously proud of this book–we have come so far in being able to document the theory of Pathological Relationships, a much deeper understanding of why the trauma is so severe, the strategic problems most survivors are having in finding competent care and more importantly, what they can do now to stop worsening their trauma.  It is absolutely everything I know and have to say as one of the pioneering therapists in this field.”
 

Regular price – $18

(plus shipping and handling)

Order Now

Awareness is Not Enough

The new mantra—awareness is not enough.

Our goal has been Public Pathology Education but it does not END there. It’s like Step 1 of the 12 Steps which is a statement of awareness “I am powerless (thus aware) over the effects of someone else’s pathology. I have been powerless (thus aware) over my patterns of selection due to my Super Traits.”

These are the FIRST steps of recovery. They are NOT recovery. Awareness is not action.

LOTS of people come to retreats to become aware of his pathology or her super traits and never put ACTION behind it–they don’t stop contact or work with our counselors to better understand how their super traits impact all aspects of their lives.

Action is recovery. You have to DO something in order to change.

Capture

Cognitive dissonance is created by holding two differing belief systems. “He’s good/He’s bad. I’m smart/I’m stupid.” It’s called COGNITIVE because it messes with your thinking abilities and impairs neuro pathways which create recurring thinking patterns. You aren’t going to use that same messed up thinking pattern to THINK your way out of the relationship. “More understanding” of pathology, or just being aware of ONE MORE act of betrayal isn’t the magic line in the sand that becomes the ‘aha’ moment when you start No Contact.

You can’t think your way out of cog diss. You have to WORK your way out. It is counter intuitive or everyone would have already done it to get well. You have to STOP the behavior so you STOP the thinking. Thinking aligns with behavior, which is why the No Contact mantra. NOTHING happens until it is reduced to its least possible amount (i.e., parenting). Cog diss is thereby cured NOT by awareness, NOT by rethinking a million times of the things he’s done, NOT by journaling, NOT by retelling the story in therapy, but ONLY by taking an action and changing what you would normally DO (read another book, tell another person, check his email another time, answer his text again).

Most people have not considered that recovery for cog diss is the opposite of what they have been doing which is why nothing has happened in their recovery. New neuro pathways are created when you change your behavior. New neuro pathways are created in your thinking AFTER they are created in your behavior.

Recovery is both action oriented and awareness based. But if awareness is not leading you to action, you are stuck in your recovery process and need help to change gears.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

 

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Attraction Cocktail, Part 1 – Excitement Seeking and Extraversion

“People can be induced to swallow anything, provided it is sufficiently seasoned with praise” – Molière

 You might be asking yourself “Why me?” Why did you get to be the one to end up in this crazy relationship? What did you do wrong to land THIS guy? The answer begins with what could be called the “Attraction Cocktail”.

There is this powerful potion that has brought the two of you together. This potion consists of the first three Super Traits identified in Sandra’s research:

Excitement Seeking   Extraversion   Dominance

These are a few of the rare traits that you both posses in high amounts. In your cup and in his cup these traits are spilling over. Remember you both posses these at the high end of the trait cut off at 85-95%. Most average people would not test that high in these traits. So, what we have are two high excitement seekers who are both extraverts, looking for a win. Sounds like a recipe for inevitable harm to me – but not immediate harm!

First, and almost within minutes, there is fire and passion, understanding and power, lust and energy. There is electricity – maybe in a way that you have never felt before. While some people might see him as “fake” and “overkill”, you see him as passionate and understanding. In the very early stages of a relationship these traits lead you from one “fun” experience to another. For him, though, it’s about building your trust and testing your boundaries.

Let’s look at each trait on its own because each ingredient offers its own unique characteristics that contribute to the potion.

I am guessing that some of you may be saying, “I’m not an Excitement-Seeker. I do not like to jump out of planes!” But being an excitement seeker is a little more (or less) than that. It can mean that you like to take risks – personal risks, financial risks, professional risks.

It can be that thing that creates in you the desire to go out on a limb, maybe go to the nightclub on your own or sign up on a dating site or go on a blind date. These are not the things that someone who desires boredom would do. It is the excitement you seek in your hobbies…maybe cycling, hiking or traveling. It is the excitement that you get from going to a great job every day – a career that drives you to go for it!

You’re the person who says “Yes!” to new experiences and “Sure!” to risky (yet really cool and innovative) opportunities. It’s that little something inside of you. Think about it. That thing that says “I’ll give it a try, why not?”

So, let’s mix the cocktail. Here you are, with all this desire to “seek excitement” and here he comes, looking for some excitement too! Pow! It’s on! He loves to go, get out there, take risks with no regard for others. His risks are more about feeding his energy. This energy is part of his pathology. You know that feeling you get when you meet someone who just overwhelms you…they chat you up…with frenetic energy that just doesn’t stop! That’s the energy of a psychopath that must be fed with exciting things.

He’s game for anything! In fact, you may have noticed that if you mention a hobby, it probably is his hobby too! (Later, you find out that he never really liked to do that – it was just part of his hook). He probably loves to travel – if you do; he loves to bike – if you do; he loves to go out with friends – if you do; he loves art – if you do; he loves to go camping – if you do; he loves to go boating – if you do.

Whatever he can do that you do, he’ll do it. Isn’t that exciting? And herein lies the risk: When two excitement-seekers meet, it is a chance to join.

For you it is a chance to build trust; for him a chance to take trust. For you it is a chance to create a bond; for him a chance to build an attachment. For you a chance to feel a connection – someone finally understands you; for him a chance to make you think that he is just like you and that he understands.

Your need for excitement means that you take risky chances. Sometimes those risks do not pay off. You (and everyone else in the world) is also more likely to go along with others when you are in a heightened state of excitement. And herein lies the benefit: Because you are an excitement seeker you will be able to see quickly that he is not “all that and a bag of chips”.

Inevitably, once the relationship progresses, it will become clear that his excitement-seeking fades and the façade he built to trap you will fall to pieces. He bores easily – not because you are boring, but because he cannot sustain the emotional energy that it takes to remain in the relationship. He bores because he cannot do the emotional work to remain committed and he does not have the depth to go where you can go.

You can turn your wonderful, exciting experiences into real emotional, energy-building bonds, and forging strength and character for yourself. He has used the opportunity to manipulate you into being under his control. When he is done with that task, he must find someone else to fuel his need for excitement.

What about the ingredient of Extraversion? You might see in yourself a person who openly engages in conversation, someone who is curious about others, and often is impulsive in social situations. You might be the person who leads in a group or offers to help out more often than others. You are willing to tell your story, share your thoughts, and contribute. Your extraversion wrapped up with excitement-seeking makes for a pretty great package – life of the party even.

So, mixing it up in the room is another extravert. He has no problem going up to complete strangers (how exciting!) and introducing himself and then telling you his life story (or whatever story he thinks you want to hear). He is “owning” the room with so much confidence and bravado it’s almost sexy. He displays expertise to the point he is grandiose – a LOT grandiose!

His extraversion is the mask…the mask that makes you think it’s safe. It’s the mask that convinces you he is what you want him to be. (They are really good at this part – creating that mask of normalcy.)

Extraversion is a great trait to have but herein lies the risk. Your extraversion lets him know that you might play his game. Your extraversion means you will do the exciting things he likes to do. It also means that you are curious and probably would not turn down an offer for fun or the offer to try something new…and he might be just that, in the beginning.

You are someone who likes to get out and meet people and the guy who is “owning” the room is just the guy for you. But there is one thing about extraversion that makes you different from him! That is your ability to truly bond with others. And herein lies the benefit. You must become truly bonded with someone to maintain a relationship.

Extraversion may bring you two together but you need mutual understanding, respect, and unconditional love. This is not what he provides in the long run. It will become clear at some point that his extraversion was a rue to hook you. His mask will fall and you will see that he is really a lonely, empty person who transforms to meet the needs of those around him. You will begin to use your extraversion as a way to break free of him.

When the dynamics of the relationship become clear you will seek out help. You will find people around you who can support you. Your curiosity will lead you to answers and help. You will not fear talking to others even if they don’t really understand. You will keep trying until you find what you need.

Next time we’ll talk about the remaining elements of the Attraction Cocktail – Dominance and Competitiveness – and finding new ways to feed your Attraction Cocktail ingredients.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

 © www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

My Cup is Empty… Can You Help Me Out?

A pathological relationship might begin with the Attraction Cocktail of excitement-seeking, extraversion and competitiveness, but soon it evolves into something more… it requires something more to feed it. What a pathological relationship must have is Cooperation, Helpfulness and Compassion.

I am sure you are thinking these are not really the things you might think of when you think of pathology, but that makes them all the more needed. Keep in mind that a pathological’s ‘cup’ is empty… they lack a sense of cooperation, helpfulness and compassion. So, in order to fill their needs, they MUST find someone who possesses these traits.

It is important to understand the mask a pathological wears. They exist in two distinct ways… the outside perception that they present, and the dark, empty underside of who they really are. As they move through life, they learn to compensate for their deficiencies. One way to compensate is by using what others have and presenting it as their own.

Cooperation

One of the traits they often cling to is cooperation. They need you to be cooperative. They need you to play along. They are running a scam… and without your cooperation it just won’t work.

Herein lies the risk: You are optimistic, and supportive; you are willing to go the extra mile to make things work and, if there is a problem, you are part of the ‘fix-it’ team. Make no doubt about it—you go along with the program. It’s true… the program that is presented is pretty darn convincing… but still, it’s your high degree of cooperation that allows you to be the perfect partner for pathology.

In our brain, a cooperative mind means we will stay stuck in the deceit. We will continue to participate in the ‘he’s good/he’s bad’ scenario. As long as we stay there, we cannot get out. The good news is that, once you listen to the facts and make a decision about what you are experiencing, it is hard to keep playing. This is the beginning of the end of the relationship.

Herein lies the benefit:  Just as quickly and as committed as you are to cooperate, you will be out… just as fast. You are no sucker. Because of who you are, there will be no looking back once you see his two sides… once you know you are dealing with someone who is pathological.  Acknowledging this—deeply and honestly acknowledging this—makes all the difference for you. Making the decision to leave and get out is one thing… getting the intrusive thoughts to stop is another.

As a result of his mask—his presentation of two sides—you will continue to struggle with questioning yourself and what you experienced. Your cooperative mind will want to go along with the program when your ‘fact-finding’ mind tells you something completely different. The benefit here is that you have the choice to cooperate—to cooperate with the facts.

If you can lean on those around you (who are probably telling you he is no good, he’s dangerous, he’s all wrong for you) and the facts as they are presented (he lied to you, stole from you, manipulated you), you will have a much better chance at emotional healing… healing that will last long after you have had no contact.

Helpfulness

The next trait a pathological relationship requires is helpfulness. This goes hand in hand with cooperation. You are one helpful person. A pathological needs that too. He needs to know that you will do what you need to do to get the job done. He also needs to know you will stand by him when times get tough.

See, the program he’s running is one big con… so sometimes others challenge him. These challenges can be direct or indirect. They can come from family (yours or his), from co-workers, from friends or acquaintances. No matter the direction, he needs to know that you will be right there beside him… to stand up for him. You, after all, are just trying to help. He plays the victim and you, the rescuer. It is one of the dynamics that keeps you locked in.

Herein lies the risk: You are eager and willing to get the job done… be the person to provide assistance and guidance. You want to make things right… set things straight. He needs a person who will make his mask seem true… someone to vouch for him. Sometimes, you are the person who helps seal the deal… make his con appear real. How could he be lying about who he is with you on his arm?

Herein lies the benefit: You are not going to help someone con others. The gig will be up when you really see him for who he is. You can then use your helpfulness to make sure no one else gets hurt. In turn, you are helping yourself.

You are the kind of person who will be just as strong in aligning against him as you were aligning with him. You will help yourself too… you are the kind of woman who will seek out what you need. You will search the Internet until you find answers and when you do… you will apply the skills needed to disengage and begin healing.

There are a couple of ways to address these traits so that they do not become a risk but are more of a benefit. Your cooperation was tested early on in the relationship. You may have been asked to do things or led to do things just to see if you would follow through. Take a moment and think about the early stage of your relationship. Did you complete tasks that were outside of your personal boundaries… late night meetings, compromising sexual requests, unannounced visits, requests for money?

Take a moment and list these requests or ‘experience-title’ them, ‘Red Flags-Boundary Breakers.’ These represent ways in which your cooperation and helpfulness was ‘overflowing’ from your own cup. Your desire to cooperate and be helpful was greater than your desire to stay true to who you are.

As you begin to heal you can use this list as a reminder of where your boundaries are… give yourself a chance to firmly instill them so that no other person will be allowed to cross them.

Next week, we will look at the third trait in this trio of Super Traits: Compassion.

As we near the holiday season, remind yourself… these are your traits—your gifts—and they should not be handed out to just anyone. Tie them up with a bow and keep them to yourself!

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

The Challenge of Being Thankful

By Jennifer Young, LMHC, Director of Survivor Services

“Rest and be thankful.” ~William Wordsworth

 During this month of Thanksgiving it is certainly appropriate to evaluate what you are thankful for. Now that might be a little challenging considering the wreckage of a Pathological Love Relationship, so be thankful that this article has arrived in your inbox. We would like to offer some reminders of the blessings of pathology.

Be thankful for your new filter.

What the psychopath has given you is the ability to spot. That is a gift. Many people don’t know what pathology looks like and, as a result, they move forward despite the patterns of behavior that are present. Once you move toward a psychopath, it’s like you’re a fly into a web… you get stuck. The ability to spot the spider and the web keeps you far, far away from danger. If you made it out, then knowing the power of pathology is a gift. You have a new filter to lay over your own perceptions and understanding of the world and this filter will ultimately keep you much safer.

Be thankful for the peek deep inside who you are.

We know that pathology is soul-stealing. It grinds you down to the bare bones of who you are and what you believe. It is a terrifying, maniacal, devastating process. There is no doubt that going through it is likely one of the worst experiences of your life. What is left when you leave is your foundation. There might even be a few cracks there. No doubt you are seeing things about yourself that you didn’t know existed or that you had forgotten about. As you look back on the moments of manipulation, you undoubtedly see what was done to your values, your worth, and your beliefs. Through this careful evaluation you can reaffirm where you stand and what you stand on.

Be thankful for understanding love in a whole new way.

Love is not fantasy. Love is not a task. Love is not excitement (it’s pretty boring). Love is not adrenaline or fear covered by excitement. Love is steady, unconditional, joyous and gentle. Sometimes we learn lessons by not getting what we need, and pathology has done that for you. You now know what love is NOT. Your love is real and your capacity for love is real. In a sense, that was never the problem. Feeling love is never your problem… but being able to put a lid on your intense bonding so that you can trust what you felt about his lack of love is the problem.

Be thankful for your own humanness and your ability to bond and love other healthy people.

Your ability to connect and bond to him makes you human. You may be questioning, “How could I have let this happen?” Or blaming yourself for “falling in love with a psychopath.” Well, thank goodness that you love, thank goodness that you bond and thank goodness that you have empathy about it. You know what it means if you can’t do those things, so the alternative is much better. You CAN love and you CAN bond so that means you CAN do it again. Maybe not right now… but you CAN do it. Be thankful that, with some tweaks to your filter, there is hope for love again. You are NOT irreversibly damaged.

Be thankful for your Super Traits.

So, those things that psychopaths manipulate in you are your biggest assets. Do not get it twisted—your Super Traits saved you. Your excitement-seeking, compassion, trust, loyalty, resourcefulness, helpfulness, and sentimentality (among others) played a role in getting you out. Take a minute to think about how each one of these traits helped you. In the end, did your compassion for the kids take over? Did your resourcefulness help you find the facts or did your sentimentality remind you of who you were before? They will be the things that drive your recovery if you let them. You can strengthen them by combining the feelings of the Super Traits with what you know about pathology.

Be thankful you are safe and alive.

Pathology is dangerous. Your pain—emotional and physical—is real. But here you are. There is nothing better than the awareness of our aliveness. Feel the power of being present here, now. In any given moment pathology can bring a sense of danger and fear. Certainly hypervigilance can set in, if you allow it. But the alternative is much more powerful. Embrace the moments of safety and security. Create an environment that strengthens your sense of safety. In that space, your aliveness will grow.

Being thankful for pathology is a stretch—a stretch toward healing. It is a necessary step in recovery. You may not be there yet and that is OK. Don’t rush yourself. However, take this opportunity to open the door to the idea. If you are there and can feel the thankfulness, then take it in.

 “I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I’ve been hurt but I’m alive.

I’m human, I’m not perfect, but I’m thankful.” ~Unknown

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Resourcefulness: I Got This…

By Jennifer Young

The Super Traits are your temperament and character traits that are powerful components of who you are which carry positive and negative consequences.  The power that you have over these traits comes in the form of awareness.  Your first task is to acknowledge them and address the areas in your life of which they put you at risk.  The second task is to use these traits to your advantage.

Thomas Jefferson said, “Never trouble another for what you can do yourself.”  I think we can agree that these words are true for most of us, and a great way to live your life.  But, they could not be more inaccurate when talking about a psychopath – in fact they probably see these words and think…”suckers.”  The truth is, psychopaths are amazingly resourceful, and their greatest tool for being resourceful is you.

Resourcefulness by definition means that you are able to meet the needs of a situation and can develop the necessary means to accomplish a task.  Being resourceful is a highly valuable trait, so consequently those who are very high in the trait of resourcefulness (like women who have been in relationships with psychopaths) often have very successful lives…great careers, wonderful children, and a great circle of friends.

You are often the person that:

•    Others turn to in a time of need or struggle
•    Are able to find ways to get things done that others might have thought impossible
•    Find resources where there were none
•    Get help when others were turned down
•    Can rally any number of people to the cause

Most importantly, you have a great combination of inner and outer resources.  Your inner resource examples are creativity, intelligence, confidence, courage, or passion.  Your outer resources are people, money, or technology.  When used together – you can accomplish anything.

It is important to realize there is a difference in the resourcefulness of you and the resourcefulness of a psychopath.  The psychopath is resourceful off the backs of others.  The word that comes to mind is “exploitive.”

Thomas Jefferson’s words would be twisted into something like this – “Never do for yourself what you can convince others to do for you.”  In this way of pathological thinking, the psychopath’s view is a negative use of a positive trait.  You can easily be fooled into believing that your psychopath is so “resourceful” because he always seems to get things done.  If you stop and become an observer, you will see that there is a trail of destruction behind every step he takes.  Resourcefulness is part of his mask, so even you (as one of his resources) will be used as the mask.  As Sandra says, “He is sicker than you are smart.”  So, no matter how smart you are in using your resources, his resources of exploitation and diabolical behavior is stronger.  This exploitive and diabolical use of resources wins every time.

Herein lies the risk:  You will use all of your resources trying to “fix” or “help” him.  You’ve got the resources to do it – the connections, the know-how – and in most cases, the means to fix things.  Add to your resourcefulness a little bit of oxytocin, and you’re toast.  That’s because we are compelled, as humans, to bond with those we love.  Oxytocin does that for us because as humans we need to be bonded to others.  Part of bonding and maintaining a lasting relationship is being resourceful together – “I’ll help you, you help me.”  The problem is this is a perfect fit for a psychopath, because they view the world as “suckers.”  In most cases they are energy exploiters and look for others to do their work, or they exploit because it’s fun to watch others do what they have directed them to do.

So now, you have created a cycle – he’s broken, you fix, he says thank you, then he breaks again, you fix, he says thank you, and so on.  This cycle is one of the reasons you stay so long, because you are always in between him “breaking” and you “fixing.”  He never fixes himself – but you are on a mission – “I love him, and this what you do for someone you love.”  So, years have passed, nothing has changed with him, but you are completely exhausted.  Your resources are tapped out.  You have no more creativity, you feel dumb (nothing has worked), have no confidence, and your courage has turned to fear.  Those outer resources are probably gone too – the money, the friends – all of it.

But herein lies YOUR benefit:  Your resourcefulness can become a real problem for a psychopath, and isn’t that what you want about now?  When you are ready you will, and can, outthink him.  What I know is that “he is sicker than you are smart,” BUT only until you get smart.

You have the ability to be confident enough to make real changes.  Let’s face it, you have been courageous for a big piece of your life – you’ve been with a pathological partner, and that takes a form of courage.  So, those internal RESOURCES are exactly what is needed THAT CAN BE USED FOR GETTING AWAY.

How do those resources look in action?

•    You will call everyone you know to get the truth and get help.
•    You will call ex’s, you will tap phones, and you will search computers.
•    You will put the pieces together, stop doing for him and begin to do for yourself.

Once that final pathological event happens that produces eyes-wide-open reality, it will be your resourcefulness that lifts you out and moves you on.  Not sure your traits can hang on long enough to be a benefit for you?  The good news is your traits are hard-wired in you.  They are not going away.  So even though at the end of the relationship it feels as if he has drained you and your resources are depleted…he has not.  Your ability to be resourceful is still there because it has always been one of your strongest traits.

You can begin by accessing your internal resources.  Strengthen them by exercising your creativity, by challenging yourself and taking those steps to live pathology-free, and by massaging your courageousness.  While you’re at it, you can also engage your external resources by reaching out to old friends and co-workers, re-engage at work (to build up your financial resources), or stepping out and doing something you’ve always dreamed about.

My favorite idea for the rebuilding of resourcefulness is reaching out to those friends and family who always told you he was the problem.  You can bring them back to you as a supporter by telling them they were right.  If an old friend or distant family member was once a valuable resource, then humble yourself, call them and tell them your story, and get your resource back.  Step by step you will begin grabbing hold of one of your best traits – your own resourcefulness to rebuild your life.

The Gift of Fear, Part 2: Is It Fear or Is It Anxiety?

Last week we began talking about the difference between fear and anxiety. Real fear draws on your animalistic instincts and causes a sincere fight-or-flight reaction. Anxiety causes you to worry about the situation, but you aren’t likely to bolt.

Anxiety can develop as a counterfeit trait to the true fear you never reacted to.

Gavin de Becker is a Danger Analyst and, in his classic book The Gift of Fear, has much to say about the preventability of most bad outcomes. He says there is, “Always, always, always a pre-incident indicator (a PIN) that women ignore.”

In my books, I call them red flags—the wisdom of your body that recognizes primitive fear and sends a signal to your body to react.  In that split second, you can run or you can rename it. Renaming it causes your body to react less and less to the messages it does send. Not one woman in the 25+ years I’ve been doing this has said there wasn’t an initial red flag that she CONSCIOUSLY ignored. Almost 100% of the time, the early red flags end up being exactly why the relationship ended. You could have saved yourself 3, 5, 15, 20 or more years of a dangerous relationship by listening to your body instead of your head!

Let’s go back to more stories by Gavin…

Dorothy says her ex-boyfriend, Kevan, was a fun guy with a master’s degree and a CPA. “He was charming, and it never let up,” Dorothy says. “He was willing to do whatever I wanted to do.”

Eventually, Dorothy began to feel that something wasn’t right. “He would buy me a present or buy me a beautiful bouquet of roses and have it sitting on the table and that was very nice, but that night or the next day he wanted me to be with him all the time.”

As Dorothy shares her story, Gavin points out some of the warning signs, starting with Kevan’s charm. “A great thing is to think of charm as a verb. It’s something you do. ‘I will charm [Dorothy] now.’ It’s not a feature of [one’s] personality,” Gavin says.

What happened next stunned Dorothy. “I was out visiting my sister in California, and he was calling me, calling me, and he asked me to marry him over the cell phone,” she says.  “I thought, you’re kidding. I’ve always said I would never get married again. And I said, ‘That’s the last time I’m going to talk about it.’”

After rejecting Kevan and coming home, Dorothy says he remained persistent. He showed Dorothy the picture of a diamond ring he wanted to buy, and told her he wanted to buy a house. “And he had it all mapped out, how it was going to work for us,” she says.

When Kevan refused to listen when Dorothy repeatedly told him no, Gavin says it should have raised serious red flags. “Anytime someone doesn’t hear no, it means they’re trying to control you,” Gavin says. “When a man says no in this culture, it’s the end of the discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of a negotiation.”

After four and a half years and many red flags, Dorothy finally broke off her relationship with Kevan. But that wasn’t the end. “He kept calling me, calling me with repeated questions. ‘What are you doing now?’ ‘What are you going to do tonight?’” Dorothy says. “And that’s when I realized I am in trouble here.”

On the urging of her son, Dorothy got a restraining order against Kevan, which she says gave her peace of mind. “And that was a huge mistake,” she says.

One night, Dorothy was asleep in her bed when she awoke to the sound of her name being shouted. “I turned to my left shoulder, and I saw a knife [about 10 inches long]. I could see the reflection of my TV in the blade. Then I saw that he had cutoff surgical gloves, and that was scary,” Dorothy says. “I put the covers right over my head and curled into a fetal position and started praying. He said to me, ‘Are you scared?’”

Rather than panic, Dorothy says she got out of bed, stood up and told Kevan he was leaving. As she walked calmly out the door, he followed her to the parking lot. “So I said, ‘You’re leaving now,’” she says. “He turned, went down the street, and I didn’t see him again.” Dorothy immediately called 9-1-1, and police later arrested Kevan. He was convicted and is serving a four-year prison sentence.

Gavin says when Dorothy stood up, spoke firmly to Kevan and walked out, she was accepting a gift of power by acting on her instincts. “The fetal position is not a position of power, but you came out of it with a great position of power. And the pure power to say to him, ‘You’re leaving now,’ is fantastic,” he says. “Of all the details in that story, the one that stayed with me the most is that you saw the reflection on your little television set on the bedside table in the knife. And what that told me was you are on, you are in the on position. You were seeing every single detail and acting on it.”

Just like ignoring your intuition, Gavin says the way women are conditioned to be nice all the time can lead them into dangerous situations. “The fact is that men, at core, are afraid that women will laugh at them. And women, at core, are afraid that men will kill them.”

This conditioning and fear, Gavin says, leads many women to try to be nice to people whose very presence makes them fearful and uncomfortable. They often believe that being mean increases risk, he says, when, in fact, the opposite is true.

“It’s when you’re nice that you open up and give information, that you engage with
someone you don’t want to talk to,” he says. “I have not heard of one case in my entire career where someone was raped or murdered because they weren’t nice. In other words, that’s not the thing that motivates rape and murder. But I’ve heard of many, many cases where someone was victimized because they were open to the continued conversation with someone they didn’t feel good about talking to.”

In my own book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man, I talk about cultural conditioning and how women feel they should be polite and at least go out with a man once. If you’re saying yes to a psychopath, once is all he needs.

Women also have HORRID and NONEXISTENT breakup skills. What in the world is more important than having good breakup skills? You are likely to date a dozen men in your lifetime and not likely to marry but one of them. What are you gonna do with the rest of them?

In this culture, with all the books on how to attract men, very little is written about how to break up. Women spend more time on a Glamour Shots picture of themselves for a dating site than learning how strong boundaries can protect them. A woman who is attracted to the bad boys doesn’t need the book, “How to Attract a Man”—she’s already doing it. But how can she get rid of the predator she DID attract? (See my book, Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

Women who buy our books, do phone counseling, come to 1:1’s and retreats, all have a primary motive: “Help me to never do this again.” While you definitely need insight about your own Super Traits that have positioned you in the line of fire with a psychopath, you also need most the ability to reconnect with your internal safety signal. Everything in the world we can teach you will not keep you safe if you ignore your body. Our cognitive information cannot save you the way your body can. That’s the bottom line. This is something you have to do for yourself.

This issue, of real fear vs. mere anxiety, is of utmost importance. It has really struck me that we may have missed something in our discussion about PTSD and its relationship to fight or flight reactions. Gavin helps us to see that fear happens in the moment—it’s an entire body sensation—the flash of fear followed by the intense adrenaline and fight or flight. The intensity of the body’s reactions usually COMPELS people into fight or flight.

With PTSD, I see how we have lumped more minor reactive reactions, like PTSD-induced fight or flight, with the real in-the-moment reactions of fear. I see them as different now. If the woman is THAT afraid of him and compelled by real fear as opposed to worry, (“He might harm me in the future, but he isn’t mad right now and not going to hurt me this second.”), she wouldn’t be with him because her animalistic reaction would be to flee.

Real fear IN THE MOMENT demands action. Our own ability to tolerate what he is doing suggests it’s not TRUE survival fear. This is the difference between animalistic/survival fear and our common-day PTSD reactionary fear.

Sometimes our body has reactions to evil or pathology. Normal psychology should ALWAYS have a negative reaction to abnormal psychology. So your first meeting with him should have produced SOMETHING in you. It may not have been the true fear reaction that COMPELLED you to run away, but you may have gotten other kinds of thoughts or bodily reactions to be in the presence of significant abnormality and sometimes, pure evil.

Listen to your body. It is smarter than your brain.

Compassion is a Funny Thing

Compassion is such an important trait to possess. It implies a caring for others which includes understanding, awareness and identifying with others. It is the acknowledgement that you “get” them. You clearly understand not only who they are but also their pain and hurt. You are the person who feels what others feel. With your compassion you not only feel what others feel but you are compelled to do something to help them. Your compassion is a word of action because you are a person of action. But it is this action that puts your trait over the top.

This is the point in which your compassion spills over…out of your cup and into the cup of someone whose cup may be empty. For someone who is pathological, your compassion is what they need. They do not have compassion for others so they take yours, using it to manipulate and strengthen their mask. They mask the horror of who they are with the fantasy of who you need them to be.

Herein lies the risk: He is just looking for someone to believe his story, and it is usually a really good one. He needs someone to believe that he is the victim and he is worthy of “compassion” and “help” so you will cooperate. Once you listen to his story, your compassion kicks in and you will do everything you can to help him and join the team. Compassion is the feeling which drives your helpfulness and cooperation. Remember, for you, compassion is an action word.

Herein lies the benefit: Once you realize who and what he is, your compassion shifts. It is hard to have compassion for a thief and a liar. It is hard to have compassion for a con-artist and a manipulator. So, when the day finally comes when you see who he is your compassion shifts. Again, your shift of compassion combined with knowledge and resourcefulness leads you to get out of the relationship. You are no longer willing to participate in his charade, no longer willing to feel his pain. But the most interesting part about real compassion is that it will evolve into compassion for his disorder.

The truth is that he has a disorder which will never go away. He is missing something that others have and he has lived his life compensating for his deficiency. The symptom of his disorder is inevitable harm for those who end up in an intimate relationship with him. His disorder is incurable.

After a while, you will learn that the best way to leave the relationship and begin your healing journey is through compassionate disengagement. You will begin to understand how you would never ask a blind person to see anymore than you would ask a pathological to feel. You will accept the unchanging nature of the condition out of compassion…compassion which understands limitations. Compassionate disengagement means you have chosen to see his disorder, understand his disorder and move toward healing the effects of his disorder by leaving. The action of your compassion has now turned toward your healing.

Take a minute to think about the “feelings” you may still have for him. If compassion is still an overwhelming feeling, then take a minute to focus on what you are resisting. Your continued compassion that pulls you toward him is a sign you are not truly convinced as to who and what he is.

Take a minute to list the reality of your relationship. You can list the experiences you have had that led you to believe he was pathological. List the undeniable behaviors or experiences you have witnessed…and even the things he should have done but did not do.  When you compare your list of reality to the behaviors that are typical in pathology, the reality will be undeniable. With the facts comes compassion that his disorder is unchangeable and you can begin to disengage.

The trio of Super Traits – Cooperation, Helpfulness and Compassion – are traits that tell us what you have to offer others…and yourself. These traits represent your ability to give back, to care, to share and to understand. They are not the kind of traits you would want to “go away”. They are not the kind of traits you would want to stifle. These are the traits which have allowed you to understand others and make things happen. They have allowed you and driven you to make things better. They have created in you a light that others feel and are drawn to.

As with all the other traits that overflow in you, the solution is not to put the light out but to turn it into something manageable…and something not so bright that those who have NO light are filled with YOUR light.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more information).

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

When Friends Don’t ‘Get It’ About Him

Remember the line ‘You’re known by the company you keep’? Well, I don’t think that ONLY includes the pathological and dangerous man…it also includes your ‘friends’ and ‘family’ members who are emotional accomplices of his.

Someone wrote me this week and said “Please write about this–when your own friends don’t get how sick he is and think you should go back or they think you’re over exaggerating his faults.”

There’s a couple of things to consider here…first of all, your patterns of selection of dangerous, pathological, or not quite healthy people probably exceed just your intimate relationship selections–it might include your friends, cohorts, buddies, and even bosses. Women who enter recovery for pathological relationships and attend the retreats quickly figure out that their lives are LOADED with other pathological people! Not just him! That’s because those super traits in you I write about are just as active in ALL your relationships as they are in your intimate ones. So don’t be surprised to find these types of people hidden out in all corners of your life. Many women realize they got some house cleaning to do in terms of clearing out all the unhealthy people from their lives once they recognize what pathology is and WHO it’s in…

Secondly, the dangerous and pathological people often attract people to them. If your friends and family members have your emotional characteristics, they are likely to STILL see him how you USE to see him…they haven’t been hurt up close and personal by him to ‘get it’ the way you do. Since these are Jekyll and Hyde guys, they have one face for you and another adorable and charming one for everyone else, including friends and family. Women get confused when they gauge whether they should be with him based on what OTHERS say about him. Intimate relationships are just that—PRIVATE and others don’t see him behind closed doors the way you do/did. Their take on this charming charismatic guy doesn’t include everything your gut has told you about him…

When you are ending the relationship, he’s likely to pour it on to all your family and friends—the tears, the confusion and shoulder shrugging (“What did I do?”) and pleading (“Help me get her back!”). Those family and friends who have those same HIGH traits of empathy, tolerance, and compassion are likely to fall for it. Top it off, that almost all the pathologicals also proclaim to be ‘sick or dying’ when the relationship is ending and you have a cheering squad who has lined up to back up his sad and pleading stories.

Then there’s the ‘finding religion’ guys who go to your pastor/rabbi and blow the dust off their Bible and are sitting in the front row of church week after week telling your pastor how ‘unforgiving’ you are of him.

Yup. Your friends are likely to point to all that pew-sitting and think there’s something to it. But YOU know better…you’ve seen it all before. The core of pathology is they aren’t wired to sustain positive change so this too shall pass…

Getting confused about what ‘other’ people think of him goes back to the central issue of you having ignored your red flags when you met him. Don’t ignore them again when people who haven’t got a clue what true pathology is tells you that you should ‘give it one more shot.’ You know what you know. Tell yourself the truth. Then turn to them…and tell them too. It’s called psychopathy education–teach what you know!

(**Information about pathological love relationships is in our award winning book Women Who Love Psychopaths and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions. See the website for more info.)

Trait Examination or Character Assassination?

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Part of the problem we face in trying to get to the nitty-gritty of pathological love relationships is that how we do it or what we call it is judged so severely that it impairs sharing the valuable outcomes that are learned. There are groups of professionals, women’s organizations, and service agencies that tiptoe around what we call patterns of selection in relationships. There are unspoken rules and heavily weighted opinions about what we can discuss and how we discuss the outcomes.

What am I talking about? Since the 1970’s and the women’s movement, discussing the specifics about women’s choices in relationships, patterns of selection, personality traits, mental health, and sexual addiction/deviancy has been largely discouraged as labeling the victim or victim blaming. It has put the victim off-limits for any in-depth understanding other than a victimology theory that was developed in the 1970’s.

It is hard to get around the billboard image of victim to talk about any kind of relationship dynamics or other psychological aspects (including biology or temperament-engrained traits) that is happening in the pathological love relationship.

We may study the perpetrator, but we already have a theory for the victim that is not to be disturbed.  Compare this to any other field of mental health and it’s absurd that we would say, for example, “Since we already understand depression, no more theories, no more studying!  Don’t call it depression or you are blaming the patients for their own depression.”

To study the woman is to blame her. To measure her traits to see if there are vulnerabilities or pattern typing is to suggest she is flawed.

  • The victim assuredly has been through trauma.
  • Studying the victim in no way says she has not been through trauma.
  • The victim is not to blame for what happened to her.
  • Studying the victim in no way says she is responsible for what happened to her.
  • The victim did not choose the victimization, but in relational dysfunction, she did choose the victimizer.

Can we learn something about that?

How will cancer be eradicated, or a cure for AIDS found if we don’t study the problem from all angles? If we conclude that studying the victims blames them, then we have cut off an entire segment of research that can help us in prevention, intervention, and treatment—whether it’s a medical disorder or a pathological relationship.

Studying victimology, including various aspects, is not victim character assassination. It might be trait examination or pattern of selection analysis. It might be a lot of things that have nothing to do with blame and shame but everything to do with understanding or creating new paradigms in which to see these relationships.

It might piggyback off of theories developed in the 1970’s… surely we have learned SOMETHING new about relationship dynamics, pathology in relationships, personality disorders in intimate partners, violence and addiction, and their part in these relationships… surely we can UPDATE a theory without our own assassination or that of the victim?

In some ways, I envy the scientific and research communities that look at the data, and pass all the political correctness and emotional politics of labeling something certain groups find offensive. They test and crunch the numbers and put it in a journal without all the rigmarole. But in our case, what we study and how we describe what we find, is subject to so much scrutiny that many clinicians and writers hesitate to publish what is found.

So it has been with what The Institute has studied, found, reported, and written.  In many organizations my first book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man, was rejected for looking at family role modeling, patterns of selection, and other aspects that women themselves said contributed to their pathological relationship.  On the other hand, it has been hailed by many domestic violence agencies and used widely in shelters, treatment centers and women’s prisons.

We stepped it up a big notch in Women Who Love Psychopaths where we used testing instruments to look at women’s traits to see if there were temperament patterns in women who ended up in the most dangerous and disordered of relationships. This caught huge attention from some groups as the groundbreaking trait identification that it was, and still is. However, victims’ groups saw it as labeling. How can we help women if we don’t understand their biological makeup?

Ironically, what we found was significant—Super Traits so perfectly and symmetrically seen in most cases. Did we hurt any victims by studying that? Or have we helped thousands of women who have read the books, been counseled by our trained therapists, and come to our treatment programs? How would we have gotten here today without daring to look deeper… to even risk looking at the victim? Not to blame her, but to understand her!

Some of the biggest breakthroughs that have been happening are in understanding the neurobiology of our brains and the consequences it has on our behaviors, choices, and what ramifications these have on our future. We know that MRIs are being done on psychopathic brains, revealing areas of the brain that work differently. Someday, I think that may cross over, and other personality disorders and chronic mental illnesses will be able to be detected by MRIs as well. This will assist immensely in understanding how those disorders affect neurobiology and brain function.

How can we understand the victim of the pathological?

  • If we used the word damaged and looked at how different brain regions of victims function—over- or under-functioning, influences of stress, PTSD, adrenaline, cortisol, and early childhood abuse—could we come to understand how their brains might function in their patterns of selection in dangerous relationships?
  • Could we come to understand that even temperament traits might give proclivity to how the brain chooses or how the brain categorizes or ignores red flags of danger, or is highly reactive to traumatized attraction?
  • Could we understand brains that have higher tolerance levels because of certain brain areas that operate differently than in other people?
  • Could we understand traumatic memory storage and why good memories of the pathological (as awful as he might be) are so much stronger than the memories of abuse?
  • If we know what part of the brain distorts memory storage, can we work with that?
  • Could we come to understand trait temperaments as risk factors or certain brain functions as possible victim vulnerabilities?
  • Would we know who is at risk and understand better how to more effectively TREAT the victim in counseling, and develop prevention and intervention programs?
  • Or, how intensity of attachment could be either a temperament trait or a brain function instead of merely calling it victim labeling.

I am not only interested in the psychobiology of the victim, but how the psychobiology affects patterns of selection and reactions in the most pathological of relationships.

When we really start dealing with an open dialogue about these survivors, looking past ridiculous theories that imply asking questions equals victim blaming, then maybe we can really offer some new theories into victimology that bypass band-aid approaches to complex psycho/bio/social understandings.

This is what The Institute continues to do.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

On-line Services – The Affordable Recovery Program

The Affordable Recovery Program is a compilation of on-line services which are offered at affordable prices that can be accessed from the comfort of your own home.  The Affordable Recovery Program is comprised of  the Living Recovery online class that you can access as your schedule allows, and soon-to-be released online seminars addressing specific topics.

The Living Recovery On-line Class

The Living Recovery Program (LRP) was the first product in our Affordable Recovery services. Debuting in January, 2016, the LRP is an online self-directed study course that focuses on pathology education, the relational dynamics, the survivor partner’s Super Traits and why they are targeted, and the resulting extreme aftermath. The course also includes extensive information on symptom management and recovery techniques.

The LRP is open for enrollment with classes beginning four times a year – January, April, July and October. If you haven’t yet signed up, you are missing an affordable way to kick start your recovery. Learn more about the LRP

On-line Seminars

In keeping with our focus on affordable care, we will soon launch a line of seminars which will be offered at affordable prices! The topics of these seminars will include:

  • Managing cognitive dissonance and intrusive thoughts
  • How to spot, acknowledge and leave a dangerous relationship
  • The impact of personality disorders on domestic violence
  • Narcissism and its effect on your relationships
  • Intensity of attachment
  • What neuroscience can teach us about batterers
  • How to spot a dangerous man before you get involved

Future seminar availability will be announced here and in our weekly Newsletter. (You can sign-up for the Newsletter through the box on any of our web pages.)

How Long is Recovery Going to Take?

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

 

Raise your hand if you believe that, if you were run over by a train, you could reasonably expect to heal in 6 months, a year, even two years. If you suffered a traumatic brain injury from
being run over by a train, would a neurologist say to you, “You’ll be good as new – like nothing ever happened – in a year”? Highly unlikely…

You have been run over by The Pathology Train. And anyone hit by this train will have acquired a trauma disorder from it (re-experiencing it over and over). You will have medical conditions and a neurological impact. Your core self will have been shattered at a deep level and all those aspects will need to be treated.

Can you expect to treat a trauma disorder, medical conditions, a shattered self, and a TBI all in a year or some pre-conceived time frame? No one has a magic wand to wave over you to get all that damage zipped up in a short period of time.

The problem is your level of expectation is not equal to the level of damage you have experienced. This isn’t just “a bad break up”. You have been harmed emotionally, physically, psychologically, sexually, spiritually, financially, existentially at your core self level, and neurologically.

Survivors say, “I have been no contact for 2 years, why am I not better?” Or, “I have been out 4 years and dating why am I not better? Why do I still have triggers? Why do new triggers begin? Why am I triggered by dating?”

The question should not be ‘why.’ The answer is your experience–you aren’t well yet. You have a level of expectation that, because time has passed, you should be better – but you aren’t. That you aren’t better in a short period of time, in and of itself, points to the reality that this is extreme damage. Extreme.

There is no Oprahology positive psychology approach that wipes this away. It is the arduous task of rebuilding your life, not making symptoms simply go away. There is no drive-thru healing despite all the ridiculous books that claim simply to go no contact or breathe and it will all be ok.

Believing this is recovery from a bad break up sets you up for unrealistic expectations that, yet again, make you doubt your judgment which sets off more cognitive dissonance about trusting yourself and your recovery.

This is the most complicated form of trauma I have ever seen in 30 years. But among your Super Traits is resourcefulness and resilience. You will have some levels of recovery but obviously not as quickly as you think.

If it were easy, you wouldn’t be here. If everything else had worked, you wouldn’t be here. If you had gotten up and walked away from being run over by The Pathology Train, you wouldn’t be here.

‘Why’ is not the question, it’s the answer to the extremity of your experience.

Trauma is not only calculated by the depth of his disorder. It has just as much to do with your own previous levels of trauma (childhood, adulthood, etc.) and your own mixture of resiliency and inner resources. Everyone is different. Some people with earlier trauma are taken down hard and fast by these relationships while others, who had no previous trauma but might have had a more pathological partner, may fare better. You can’t judge, it just is what it is.

Recovery depends on previous traumas, inner resources, resiliency factors and other things that feed into the equation on recovery. Recovery is not linear with ebbing and flowing as periodic challenges highlight what is left to work on because trauma is like an onion. As you peel down the layers and get different symptoms in different layers, it might be getting to the core and some of the final symptoms that need treatment.

Some of these recovery challenges are due to the emotional dysregulation that comes from PLRs. It is either dysregulation from not having learned recovery skills or it is dysregulation that has been created from now being very sensitive to pathology in which you become highly reactive to situations that stir up those emotions. Either way, skills for dysregulation is what is needed. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is effective for developing these skills.

When you try to get people who have not experienced a PLR to affirm your situation, it’s like war vets trying to get others to know what it was like to have served in a war. It is a set up for non-affirmation and rightfully so because others never lived it. While they may have compassion for your situation, they cannot have empathy for something they haven’t experienced. It isn’t possible to get affirmation from people who haven’t walked in our shoes.

Survivors often get the recovery process backwards–they are still having symptoms and haven’t learned consistent symptom management but are dealing with loneliness or boredom and friends suggest the best way to get revenge is to get back out there in the dating scene. Or they are symptom managing but they haven’t learned how to rein in their super traits with normal people much less intimate others. They don’t understand or ‘hear’ their super traits. Their PTSD still has their intuition numbed or hyped up so either they don’t receive red flags or all they see are red flags.

All of these are indicators of work still to be done before you are ready to date. The Institute has some dating bylaws we go by or you can have a session with Jennifer who prepares people for dating and assesses whether they are ready. But until you have built a strong recovery and a GREAT and GENTLE Life and are living it, you are putting the cart before the horse.

Recovery requires the ability to reclaim your previous self and remove yourself from the storyline of victimization.

Recovery isn’t just about no contact with him or learning and using breathing exercises. It’s about disengagement from the whole topic. It’s about learning what your Super Traits are, what they ‘sound like’ in your interactions with others, and learning how to manage them in order to protect yourself from harm. It’s about learning how to calm your raging physical symptoms and how your physical health is at risk if these symptoms are left unmanaged. There are multiple facets to recovery.

Recovery is about building a new life, a different life – one in which you will be safe from this kind of harm in the future.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

What’s the Problem with Problem Partners?

By Sandra L. Brown, MA

Problem partners create problems which manifest as problem relationships. These relationships are often referred to as ‘bad relationships, ‘drama,’ or ‘dysfunctional’ when, in fact, often the dynamic at play is a result of what I have coined ‘Pathological Love Relationships.’

These relationships are related to the permanent personality structures and disorder of one (or sometimes both) of the partners. Mislabeled, undiagnosed, or misunderstood, these relationships churn out problems for the partners, their children, their families, and the therapists who try to help them.

Neuroscience has helped us understand some of the brain processes and problems involved especially in Cluster B patients referred to as the ‘Erratic and Dramatic’ disorders. The partners who are challenged by faulty brain processing and negative behaviors often associated with narcissism and anti-social personality disorders and the no conscience disorder of psychopathy make for some pretty lousy relational material.

I refer to this lousy relationship quality as ‘Inevitable harm’ because when someone’s brain processes are hard-wired, and they lack the ability to sustain positive changes through therapy or develop insight about how their negative behavior hurts others, there’s only one way this relationship is going to end up – harmful.

Even the court system now labels these relationships uniquely as ‘High Conflict Cases.’

In our work at the Institute, we have looked at Inevitable Harm related to partners who have problems bigger than what psychology can do for them and:

  • The traits of those with chronic personality problems that wreak havoc in the relationship
  • The unusual pathological love relationship dynamics specific to these disorders
  • The neuroscience about what is wrong with their brain
  • The elevated temperament or ‘super traits’ of those who have gotten into relationships with people with this kind of disorder
  • The affected language, communication and meaning in these relationships and how it drives the other partner crazy
  • Understand why these relationships feel more intense than others
  • Realize why break ups are so hard and why they are fraught with ‘Boomerang’ attraction.

Along the way we have reviewed the characteristics in the disorders related to impulsivity, sexual acting out, interpersonal exploitation, low to no empathy, excitement seeking, and conning. And of course, we have also looked at the physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual and financial harm of these emotionally lethal predators and parasites.

Next week we’ll talk in greater detail about the damage they do.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know. The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships. Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information.)

© www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com