Archives for January 2014

Ongoing Battles with Pathologicals – Part 2, Why Won’t This Ever End?

Last week we began talking about the ongoing battles with pathologicals—whether it is a break up, move out, divorce, property settlement, mediation, child custody, or the ever-revolving door of litigious events with law enforcement or the legal system. By nature of the pathology, they are MORE likely to allege falsified abuse, stalk the other parent, sue, continue to sue, not settle, to refuse mediation services, to go to court over things like “his shoes are dirty, therefore this is parental neglect,” to reject every child evaluator, reject every child therapist, reject every child pediatrician, reject every child’s school choice and on and on.

They gaslight situations suggesting things have happened that didn’t, nor can they be proven that they DID or DID NOT happen. (Classic gaslighting is associated with NPDs, ASPDs, socio/psychopaths.) After exchange antics, they are MORE likely to need court monitored visits which means ‘a babysitter’ is required to watch their behavior, yet they will reject every monitor chosen, every center selected, or will find centers that are the farthest away in the most dangerous areas to ask the other parent to bring the child to.

They also do not follow through on child support payments, medical needs the children may have, do not pay their share of attorney and court fees, etc. They use up enormous amount of legal resources which have given them their own title within the legal system – ‘High Conflict Person’. Eventually this becomes a ‘High Conflict Case’ for you and for them.

A ‘typical’ legal scenario (provided by Bill Eddy www.billeddy.com) is:

A Petition is filed, and then there are countless emergency court hearings, restraining orders, restricted visitation, and/or residence exclusion, many filing for temporary hearings on custody, visitation, child support, and spousal support. Then there is the unending filing for many declarations for hearing, getting an evaluator appointed, preparing documentation for evaluators/court (often done multiple times), serving numerous subpoenas, taking lists and lists of depositions, going thru the demand for documentations, attending multiple temporary hearings.

Now they have received the trial only to have delays that can go on for years, disputes over evaluators’ reports and other unending other objections. Then begins the continuous disputes over trial court orders, motions for reconsideration, etc. Sprinkled throughout are the constant allegations to child services of abuse and neglect, the rallying of others to support the allegations, and the utter exhaustion of the child services departments with the constant threats of suing them, etc. Once/if after all these enormous amounts of time, money, energy is expended and the divorce is granted, there is still the ongoing post divorce hearings with the constant modification requests, custody battles, alleging new relationships which are bad for the children, and failed relationships with others bringing in new conflicts, drama and trauma.

It’s easy to see that this kind of behavior is what is shutting down our court systems and why it’s hard to get simple things done. Ninety percent of the problems are being produced by a small percentage of the people who have the largest percentage of mental health and pathology disorders. In fact, it is cases like THESE that indicate to professionals working on these cases that there is, in fact, pathology present. They have already been named ‘High Conflict Persons’ to help identify the partner who is likely to keep producing litigious insanity. It has taken a while for all the professional systems involved in cases like these to come to understand what behavior like this IS attached to – chronic and unrelenting pathology.

For many years euphemisms have been used for these people – “difficult cases”, “pain in the butt cases”, “problematic”, etc. Instead of understanding these ARE the behaviors associated with pathological conditions and pathology is simply being what it is—in the relationship, in the parenting, and in the courts. It holds its mask in place for a while but the mask always slips allowing other professionals to identify the behaviors and recognize the pathology. This is the unification of how Public Pathology Awareness is beginning to allow systems involved with pathologicals to more easily identify them by their universal and consistent behaviors, in and out of court.

One of the Institute’s goals is to bring training about these consistent and universal behaviors to therapists, coaches, the legal system, child evaluators, monitors, child therapists, Minor’s Counsel, and social service workers. ‘Why’ high conflict persons act this way has everything to do with the disorder itself.

When we understand pathology and its neuro-implications, we can not only know what behaviors go with which disorders but why. We can learn to predict the kinds of known behaviors and antics that go with pathological disorders– in child rearing, in court proceedings, and in relationship endings. Those behaviors include imperative impulsivity, loophole lying, game playing, gaslighting, reliable revenge, the prevalent projecting, and legendary legal litany of cases. Normal people don’t do this in court, in relationships, or in life. It is the glaring opposites that almost always give us the best indicator that what is happening is not what other people do, behave, or believe. So, ours shouldn’t be to ask ‘why’ pathologicals do this. It’s to say ‘why not?’ After all, that’s how they are wired.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

Ongoing Battles with Pathologicals – Part 1, When Will This Ever End?

Many of the Institute’s clients want to know ‘when will this ever end?’ — ‘this’ being the aggravation from a pathological in the form of:
•    Constantly harassing you
•    Stalking
•    Stirring the pot
•    Making up allegations against you
•    Not paying what they are suppose to
•    Going back to court for the 1,000th time
•    Turning others against you
•    Turning you in to Social Services for child abuse
•    Lying to the judge
•    Paying others off to lie for him in court
•    Gaslighting you or others
•    Making others dread him, you, or your situation

The truth is, this IS what pathology does. If court evaluators, child monitors, judges, attorneys, batterer intervention counselors, anger management therapists—all those working in the field— knew that this IS what pathology does, it would heighten everyone’s awareness about pathology. Instead, euphemisms are used for this kind of behavior:
•    Drama cases
•    Trauma cases
•    Dead beat dads
•    High conflict divorces
•    Jerks
•    Snakes in Suits
•    Con artists
•    Custody Battles
•    No resolution cases

Behaviors related to making allegations, lying in court, hiring others to lie, hiring others to stalk or spy on you, putting spyware in your house/car/computer, and harassing social services/child services workers eat up an enormous amount of court hours and are all behaviors ASSOCIATED with pathology—not drama, not trauma, not dead beats, not conflict, not jerks, not snakes and not cons, but Cluster B personality disorders such as Borderline, Narcissistic, Anti-Social and the other Low/No Conscience disorders such as Socio/Psychopaths.

We are continually flooded with inquiries about ‘how to’ survive until ‘this all stops’. Women aren’t finding help with ‘how to’ survive, ‘how to’ appropriately communicate with him to have the least ‘aftermath,’ what to do when he alleges things to child services, judges, and courts, how to document well for court now and in the future, what dissuades them, how to angle the situation so he exposes his true self/disorder/motives, how to take care of herself until some of this slows down, stops, or a miracle occurs.

Pathology is exhausting. This isn’t something ‘unique’ to your case. It’s standard in cases with pathologicals. You didn’t cause it — it’s the disorder just being what it is. Too, some of the things that are done in ‘normal’ cases aren’t in the best interest of your case simply because using what ‘works’ with normal people, NEVER works in pathology.

(**If we can support you in your recovery process, please let us know.  The Institute is the largest provider of recovery-based services for survivors of pathological love relationships.  Information about pathological love relationships is in our award-winning book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, and is also available in our retreats, 1:1s, or phone sessions.  See the website for more information).

Stay in the Right Position: What I did over Christmas break

By Jennifer Young, LMHC

This Christmas break I went skiing…sort of. It was a trip that required lots of planning. I live in Florida and snow skiing is not exactly something we do often. Prior to attempting this feat I decided to take a lesson at the local outdoor shop. Here in Florida, ski lessons happen on a carpeted conveyor belt that rises like a little hill. In fact, it is rated a blue slope…which is a middle of the road slope. It’s not a green, which is the bunny slope. So, I attempted to learn to ski on a pretty steep slope.

As I donned all the gear, which is a feat in itself, the instructor started with the basics. But something he said struck me. It was a warning, a prevention strategy. I am all about prevention of pain and this is what he said, “Stay in the right position to avoid pain.”

Wow. What a novel idea. Stay still, is the “right” position. Avoid pain. To ski and not be in pain, it’s all about your position; knees pointed this way – and bent, skis point that way – like a pizza slice, body upright, arms out front. Now, hold it. Oh yeah, and engage that core. This way, this position, is how you prevent the aftermath. Because if I was warned once, I was warned a thousand times about the pain I would feel the next day. I was almost more scared of that than I was the actual skiing. So, I held tight to that position. In fact, the lesson was really an instruction on how to hold the right position and self-correct when you fell out. I did pretty good in the lesson. I held on and self-corrected. I went down that carpet conveyor like a champ.
Then came real life. Ummm…real life. Not carpet. I made my way up in the gondola and stepped out onto the mountain. SNOW!!! Pretty amazing and slightly overwhelming. I stepped into my skis and assumed the position. Skis in the shape of a pizza, knees bent, body upright and hands out front. GO! Down I went — and down I fell. I had a few moments of skiing – twice. I did it. I held my position and I skied.

The day after I felt pretty good. I did not have any pain. There was some minor ache in my thighs but that always feels good – it lets you know you worked something! So there it was. Skiing for a Florida girl. I took one thing away from that day. I held myself in the right position and I was able to avoid the pain. I was taught the right position and I used it.

This lesson resonated with me because every day when I speak with women in recovery about pathology I know there is one position that needs to be held. I know that if you hold that position, you will avoid pain. The recovery position looks like this:

-Know who he is
-Disengage at every turn
-Manage your super traits
-Live a gentle life

It’s not an easy position and it sure as hell is not always comfortable. It’s a foreign experience for most – like skiing for a Florida girl. But bravery is crucial, desire (to be done) is required and focus is the foundation.

But, what helps the most is taking the lessons that you have been taught and using them. You have to work at each moment to hold your position. If you do, then your pain will decrease. Your thighs will ache, but that’s your sign that you’ve done your work.