Archives for 2013

Learn How to Starve The Vampire

STARVE THE VAMPIRE–WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT….Pathological persons are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.   Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional ‘blood supply’ from you, they ‘hook you’ into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn’t always matter ‘what’ emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them–even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn’t matter…they just ‘need’ something, anythingfrom you in the way of content. If they don’t get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)When you begin to break up (read my How to Break Up with a Dangerous Man E-book) he will fear the loss of emotional supply.

He won’t fear losing you so much as he will miss getting his identity and his sense of self from you and/or the relationship. He fears the loss of self or ‘who am I without her?’ This is a very fragmented ego state –one which only exists thru relationships with others.

So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you, which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:

  • One contact he’s angry, blaming, shaming

When you don’t respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression…that’s what I want women to do with these men)

  • Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things

When you don’t respond

  • He will promise to do what you’ve asked for years…go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management

When you don’t respond

  • He will get angry again–say you aren’t working on the relationship which is why it’s gonna fail

When you don’t respond

  • He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he’s moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)

When you don’t respond

  • He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else

When you don’t respond
(Are you enjoying the popcorn and movie about now??)

  • He becomes ’sick’ — he doesn’t know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease

When you don’t respond

  • He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.

When you don’t respond

  • He will threaten to kill himself, leave the area, never see you again

When you don’t respond

  • He will take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to physically harm you

When you don’t respond

  • He will tell you he’s dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife

When you don’t respond

  • It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.

It’s always the same stories. I know that women think that their experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same–these people aren’t very creative and don’t deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. They ONLY react in certain ways so, it’s prettyeasy to predict. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.

Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.

When women don’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of pathologicals, they are doing it because SHE wants to remain. The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about women not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagement has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.

Pathometry Newsletter, June 1-2013

 


PATHOMETRY LAB NEWSLETTER

A service of The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction

Pathometry, noun, The measure of suffering; The distinction of suffering into different types; The perception, recognition, or diagnosing of different types of suffering (as we apply it to Pathological Love Relationships); The determination of the proportionate number of individuals affected with a certain disorder at any given time, and the conditions leading to an increase or decrease in this number.

The Pathometry Newsletter is designed for better understanding the Cluster B continuum range including sociopathy and psychopathy; for the correlation to other co-morbid conditions especially those with inconsistent treatment outcomes; to address the effects of these disorders on relational harm; and to see the impact on sociological systems.


Pathological Love Relationships: Why Specialized Treatment for Survivors and Training for Professionals Is Necessary

Copyrighted© Sandra L. Brown, MA 2013
Issue 1

 

 

Background Info on The Institute
The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction and Public Pathology Education has been an early pioneer in the research and treatment approaches for Pathological Love Relationships (referred to as PLRs). For close to 25 years we have been involved in developing model- of- care approaches for survivor treatment. Additionally, we have been promoting public pathology education for prevention and intervention for survivors, awareness for the general public, and as advanced education for victim service providers.
In those 25 years, we have:
* Created and run our own Trauma Disorder Program
* Provided consultations for other programs
* Trained victim service providers in our model-of-care
* Treated hundreds and hundreds of survivors
* Spoken to thousands in the general public
* Reached millions with the message of “inevitable harm” related to Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs), through television and radio, print publications, our extensive product line of books, articles, e-books, CDs, DVDs and guest blogging on websites such as Psychology Today.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships
https://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Our mission for the new Pathometry Lab Newsletter is simple:

   ~In order to help more survivors, we need to train more professionals.~

The mental health professionals that have been intricately trained by The Institute have lamented that graduate school, face-to-face counseling, and reading about Pathological Love Relationships (PLRs) did not prepare them for the treatment challenges of the survivor of a PLR or +the understanding of the disorders of the partner. Professionals have indicated that by far the most frustrating type of counseling cases have been the Pathological Love Relationship couple, the wounded partner of one of these relationships, and the “identified” problem pathological partner. To help professionals maneuver the challenging “obstacle course” of PLRs, we have dedicated a newsletter solely for you.

This is our kickoff newsletter, so we welcome you to The Pathometry Lab, and are glad you are considering becoming part of the educated solution for these perplexing counseling cases of inevitable harm. So let’s get started–

What Is a PLR?

A Pathological Love Relationship (PLR) is a relationship in which at least one of the partners has serious psychopathology which is likely to negatively affect his or her mate. The Institute specializes in support and treatment of the partners who are/were in relationships with those who have pathology of Axis II, Cluster B Personality Disorders, which include:
•  Borderline Personality Disorder
•  Narcissistic Personality Disorder
•  Anti-Social Personality Disorder
•  And the additional disorders of Sociopathy and Psychopathy

This year we will focus on these Cluster B disorders in our newsletter, and then in the following years we will discuss other pathologies that also can impact relational harm.
(The changes in the upcoming DSM will not derail our discussion of these trait disorders and their effect on others. While diagnostic criteria may change, their behaviors do not consequently their impact on others does not change.)

Why a Closer Look?

In the recent past, PLRs were undifferentiated as the “unique” treatment challenge they have always been.  They typically were often lumped together with other:
* Relationship counseling issues
* Domestic Violence (DV) problems (if that was applicable)
* Other forms of trauma
* Anger Management/Batterer Intervention Mandates
* Addictions.

Over the past 25 years, and hundreds and hundreds of survivors later, we have found PLR’s were continually being treated unsuccessfully with conventional associated theories and treatments. Some PLRs flew completely under the radar depending on how convincing, charming, or deceptive the pathological was. Or the PLR was missed because of the hand wringing paranoia the partner appeared to have, which lead to the belief that there was mutual pathology in the relationship.

Regardless, there has been little relationship theory, or even differentiating trauma theory to understand these complex dynamics within PLR couples and the aftermath experienced by those closest to the disordered partner.

Our research supports that pathology impacts the relational dynamics, victim injury, and future risk, resulting in the need for different treatment modalities. Simply put:
• The relationship dynamics are different
• The (pathological) partner is different
• The victim’s aftermath is different.

Attempted Approaches

What has consistently been at the forefront of problems in treatment for the couple, the survivor of PLR, or the partner, is the missed factor of the existing “pathology.” This simple fact of existing pathology can drastically change what needs to be done differently, and will greatly impact treatment outcomes and client safety.

Historically, when pathology is unrecognized, professionals tend to utilize the theories and approaches most known for their general effectiveness but which do not work with the survivor, the couple, or the pathological partner. In fact, some of the more popular “approaches” are damaging, or even place the survivor at risk of future harm.

The problem is of course, that few of us received training on how to identify and work with partners of the personality disordered while in graduate school. I don’t know about your training on personality disorders, but mine was combined into a Psychopathology class with all the other types of psychopathological disorders. Personality Disorders was given one lecture period to discuss all ten disorders, and of course nothing about their impact on others was even brought up. The lack of applied information in the classroom certainly contributes to the problems mental health professionals find once they are in the field.

To add to that issue, personality disorders are not rare so each of us is likely to have clients, couples, or others, affected by the disorder.  The latest numbers from the NIMH indicated “1 in 5” in a college setting have a personality disorder. This is not “1 in 5 has a Cluster B Disorder’” but 1 in 5 for any of the clusters.  However, this should alert us to the high probability that as mental health professionals we will be dealing with this issue.

During these Pathometry Lab Newsletters, we will be going into more depth about the actual model- of- care approach for survivors but for now, let’s look at what has been traditionally attempted with these high- risk couples, survivors and partners.

Traditional Approaches

Please follow along, and think of one of your cases you suspect as a ‘PLR’ and see if the list below outlines some of the treatment issues you were initially targeting with more traditional theories. Perhaps you were approaching it as a couples counseling issue, a victim of DV (if applicable), a batterer intervention issue (if applicable), an addiction, a divorce, a co-parenting issue, depression from a break- up, or other counseling focus.

• The issue of violence was lumped together with general domestic violence theories and intervention approaches as the primary consideration (not the Cluster B Disorder as the primary consideration).
• The victims of these types of relationships were assessed using existing Victimology theories for both victim etiology and victim treatment approaches. Traditional forms of DV explanation about the perpetrator’s behaviors were given to the partner/victim.
• The unusual relationship dynamics of PLRs were explained with the Power and Control Wheel and the victim response was thought to be related to “codependency” or “Dependent Personality Disorder.” Victim personality traits were often associated with levels of dependent disorders, collapsed boundaries, enmeshment, or assumed to be primarily associated with trauma reactions.
• The couples were treated with traditional forms of relationship counseling.
• Relationship and/or sexual addiction were also often a common view of the dynamics of “intensity of attachment” by the partner/victim. Relationship/sexual addiction were also a possible reason for the cheating/sexual acting out of the partner.
• State dependent learning was sometimes assumed to be dissociation or Stockholm Syndrome.
• Anger management and/or batterer intervention was therapist- recommended or court referred as an accountability approach and an education for the perpetrator on the power dynamics.
• Criminal behavior was mostly equated with familial environments, or sociological and economic factors.
• Drug and alcohol addictions and their impact on relational harm factored in heavily towards understanding the relational dynamics.
• For some, the spiritual abusiveness of relational leadership was also identified and considered as both an individual and marriage problem.
• Traumatology of early childhood, or previous adult unprocessed traumas was searched for.
• Shoring up boundaries, straightening out cognitive distortions, equalizing power distribution, and medication, when applicable, were also considered.
• Communication techniques were used for the struggling couple or approaches like Imago Therapy.
• Co-parenting techniques were attempted with divorcing/divorced couples.

I’d like to say, all of these could be good practices EXCEPT when you are dealing with Pathological Love Relationships. Why is that? How can the pathology of one (or more) partners in the relationship so drastically change the risk factors, treatment approaches, and outcomes?

The reasons behind relational harm in PLRs and solutions for approaches are what we will be systematically approaching through our newsletters.

But intimate partner relational harm is not the only “harm” that happens from this group of disorders. In our next newsletter we will continue our introduction into the topic of PLRs and why we feel specialized training is necessary, by looking at the systemic impact pathology makes to all major societal systems such as the mental health system, the criminal justice system, social service systems, and health care systems.

To find out more about these issues, please take a moment to check out the related research and resources regarding pathology and PLRs for your practice listed below. Our Pathometry Lab will be an accumulative library of resources for you on pathology beginning with the links listed below. The accumulated library will be housed on our main website www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com.  It is the research and resources that are added to each newsletter that will help you educate yourself more fully regarding PLRs.

Interested In This Topic?

Our Therapist Training for Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships Model of Care Approach (next training November 2013) includes further elaboration on items related to this topic:
• Relationship Dynamics of Pathological Love Relationships
• Bonding and Attachment Differentials
• Drama and Communication Triangle
• Event Cycles of PLRS
• What Doesn’t Work in PLR’s
• The Institute’s Model of Care Approach

Next Newsletter
Join us for our next newsletter when we will discuss more pathocentric ideas related to PLRs.

Do Your Part
Public pathology education is everyone’s issue, and if you are learning about pathology, please do your part and teach others what you know.  One way is to share our survivor support-oriented newsletters with your clients. They can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site—there is no cost and it comes out every week. www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

You can also further public pathology education by sending your colleagues and others who might be working with PLRs to our monthly newsletter. They too can sign up on the front page of the main magazine site and it is complimentary.  www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Here’s how we can help professionals…

How The Pathometry Lab Can Help You
This program is designed for professionals who are most likely to encounter the survivors, or the Cluster B partners, in your line of work.  Our Pathometry Lab will offer you:

• Articles on issues of clinical relevancy regarding treating the aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships (no charge)
• Information on pathology and personality disorders as it relates to survivor’s recovery, marital counseling, addictions perspectives, pastoral views, and other mental health disciplines (no charge)
• Recommended reading on pathology (no charge)
• Handouts and other pathocentric tools (no charge)
• Personalized Institute services for your survivor clients (fee for services)
• Products for Professionals related to Pathology (fee for products)
• Case Consultations (fee)
• Yearly Training Conference (fee)
• Tele-Events (fee)
• Personalized services for Professionals Wounded by Pathology (fee for services).

Our goal is to better equip you to be able to spot, intervene, and help the recovery of survivors of PLRs. We hope you will join us monthly for our Pathometry Lab Newsletter.  Most of all let us know if we provide support or education to you in the field of Pathological Love Relationships.

Next Institute Event

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships November 2013 Hilton Head Island, SC.
https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/services-for-professionals/training

Relational Harm Reduction Radio

www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction
Every Thursday at 8:30 pm starting March 7, 2013
Call in questions taken.

RHR University: Coming soon Online Training for Professionals

JUST FOR FUN!
Patho-Lingo  Word of the Month:
Pathognomonic—distinctive characteristics in a disorder


Narcissus Gazing?

Sincerely,
Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education
Director of Advanced Professional Education Services
Cathy Backlund
Pathometry Lab Newsletter Coordinator
Nancy Bathe
Technical Editor
www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com

Resources

Clinically Relevant Articles

Personality Disorders in Relationships

The Burden of Personality Disorders

Barriers to Effective Management

Neuropsychopharmacology for Cluster Bs

Reading Suggestions

Love Relations—Normality and Pathology, Otto Kernberg, M.D.

Psychopathy: Antisocial, Criminal & Violent Behavior by Millon, Simonsen, Davis & Birket-Smith

The Everything Guide to Narcissistic Personality by Elsa F. Ronningstan

Character Disturbance: The Phenomenon of Our Age by George K. Simon, Ph.D.

Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley

Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Pathocentric Tools

Wise Counsel Interview Transcript: An Interview with Otto Kernberg M.D. on Transference Focused Therapy (The Dangerous And Severe Personality Disorders—Cluster B)

Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

30- Minute Lesson: Personality Disorders (Overview of All PDs)

Pathocentric Videos

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Video (Relational)
Video on Borderline Personality Disorder
Video on Anti-Social Personality Disorder

Assessments 

For Anxiety (Survivor Oriented)
Hamilton Anxiety Scale (Survivor Oriented)
Assessment and Medical Case Management in Personality Disorders (Pathological Oriented)
Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist (Survivor Oriented)

Websites

Safe Relationships Magazine (The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education) : https://saferelationshipsmagazine.com
Dr. George Simon : http://drgeorgesimon.com/
Psychology Tools : www.psychologytools.org
Dr. Don Dutton : www.drdondutton.com

Professional Journals

Journal of Forensic Psychology

Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice & Policy Journal

Survivor Centered Help Aides

The Institute’s Partner Related Assessment and His Cluster B Traits Checklist

Intrusive Thoughts

Stress Management for Survivors

The Institute’s Resources

Pathological Love Relationships Archive of Articles

DVD Training Set on Cluster B and PLRs 


1. Understanding Destructive and Pathological Relationships
2.  Healing the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: Help for Wounded Women
3.  Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationship: Understanding Pathology and Its Effects on Relational Harm

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Book

How to Spot a Dangerous Man Workbook

Women Who Love Psychopaths

Counseling Victims of Violence 

 

Maintaining Mindfulness in the Midst of Obsession 2CDs

Healing the Aftermath Relaxation CD

Trainings

Treating the Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationships: TBA, Hilton Head Island, SC
Contact us for more information

Help For Wounded Healers

Therapist Care
Are you a professional whose own personal Pathological Love Relationship is impacting your ability to help your clientele, function, or work? Do you need discrete and effective support? Long called ‘the therapist’s therapist’ The Institute provides our same Model-of-Care approach to wounded healers. Let us help you recover and come back stronger so you too can bring Pathological Love Relationship assistance to your own clientele.
_____________________________________________________________________

GENDER DISCLAIMER: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we refer to in our articles. Both male and female can be either the disordered, the partner of the disordered, or both. Our clients, readership and user of our services are approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials or services.  Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders. Our wording merely reflects our market.

COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT: Please be advised The Institute utilizes Intellectual Property Management Services that tracks, detects, and prosecutes the misuse of our copyrighted materials and property.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Want to Buy Me Dinner?

By Jennifer Young, LMHC

If you owe me dinner—raise your hand. For the last several years I’ve been making bets with women all over the country. The conversation goes something like this:

Me: “So, we know that once you are in the speed dial, you’ll always be in the speed dial. Cluster B’s don’t know how to do closure and he will contact you again. Not because of who you are but because of who he is.”

Survivor: “But, you don’t understand. He’s really pissed. I humiliated him in court. He hates me, calls me all kind of names to the kids. Really.”

Me: “Ok…so,wanna buy me dinner in (enter your city here) when I come to town if he contacts you?”
Survivor: “Sure, because it will never happen.”

And, about two months later, or six weeks later, or eight months later, the text comes from him.

Survivor: “OMG, he texted me and called me ‘baby’ and said he missed being at home.”

Me: “I know.”

What I know is that Cluster B’s don’t/can’t do closure. They don’t/can’t end a “relationship” because they are not emotionally intelligent enough. They lack the skills needed to end a “relationship”.

Closure is what we typically hope for at the end of a healthy relationship. The elements of closure for a healthy relationship require two people to agree the relationship as it is should end, there should be a mutual understanding of the reason (this could come in the form of a nice talk or argument ending in resolution), and there is an expressing of emotion that matches the behavior of ending a relationship. You might see a range of emotions, an expression of hurt and empathy and an end to the behaviors related to being a couple. Doesn’t this seem like the complete opposite of what you see when a pathological love relationship is over?

Closure is a foreign concept to a Cluster B. It represents everything they are unable to do. They cannot behave in a way that matches what they say. So, when they say it’s over—they don’t leave. They cannot understand your emotions or the impact of their behavior on you, so when they say,“I’m sorry,” they repeat the same bad behavior again because they haven’t done anything wrong in their mind. They can use the words of emotion but don’t feel it like you and I do. All of the elements of relationship closure require an understanding of the abstract nature of emotional words like “love”, “sorry”, “remorse”, “frustration”, “hope”, “trust”, “intimate”, “appreciated”, etc. …They do not have the ability to read past the word to its deeper interpersonal meaning. They can’t see how the word moves us or how the word is not just one word, but often made up of many concepts that are represented by one word. This lack of understanding of the abstract nature of our emotional language is part of the neurology of Cluster B disorders.

Without the ability to give closure, they don’t leave. What remains is your need to get closure. And it is that mismatched ending that tortures you—your expectation of closure and his inability to give it. The circle is set in motion when he never goes away and you keep seeking closure. Round and round it goes until you accept his inabilities. Only then can you end some of the pain of the break-up. When you begin to accept his inabilities, you can then begin to give yourself the gift of closure, because—as we have already established—he cannot give it to you.

He will continue to reach out for many reasons. This is part of the disorder—an underlying neurological part of the disorder. He can’t do endings. But on the surface those reasons can be varied. He might get bored down the road. In between relationships he often seeks excitement (game playing) so he pulls out the Rolodex. You are in it because he knows that he has controlled you before and that you have “played”. Remember, he is not a good learner of “failure”, he just knows you played. Another reason is primary needs. He gets his needs met through control, so if he needs sex, shelter, or a cover, he will turn to those who have provided it in the past. Finally, it may be “just for fun”…he wants what he wants when he wants it. He is impulsive and cunning at the same time; he has poor behavioral controls and a need for stimulation. This means that he is coming for anyone who can offer what he needs—without regard for their safety or wellbeing.

Coming to know what he can’t do, what he is incapable of and truly believing it, is the way out. It means that each time your mind brings a thought like, “he said he loves me,” or “he keeps coming back, so he must be sorry,” or “if I just love him more, he will do better”—you must challenge with knowing he is a Cluster B. You really have no impact on WHO he is. And the key to challenging these thoughts is not having a conversation with yourself about the “why”. You’ve read over and over again the answer to the why. The researchers, neuroscientists and The Institutehas answered that “why” question so you don’t have to anymore. It is what it is. When the thought comes via question—answer it. When the thought comes as a statement— respond to it—“Because he’s a Cluster B.”

You don’t have to make that dinner bet with me or anyone else. You can accept that he will come to hook you again. Knowing that he will re-contact allows you to remain clear-minded. It allows you to “predict” his behavior. His disorder is marked by certain patterns that are predictable and this is one of them.

However, if you live in a really cool town, somewhere that has a great restaurant, let me know—I’m thinking about trekking cross country to collect my bets.

My Cup is Empty…Can You Help Me Out?

Pathological relationships might begin with the Attraction Cocktail of excitement-seeking, extraversion and competiveness but soon it evolves to something more…it requires something more to feed it.  What a pathological relationship must have is Cooperation, Helpfulness and Compassion.  I am sure you are thinking that these are not really the things that you might think of when you think of pathology but that makes it all the more needed.  Keep in mind that a pathological’s “cup” is empty…they lack a sense of cooperation, helpfulness and compassion.  So, in order to fill their needs they MUST find someone who possesses these traits.

It is important to understand the mask that a pathological wears.  They exist in two distinct ways…the outside perception that they present and the dark, empty underside of who they are.  As they move through life they learn to compensate for their deficiencies.  One way to compensate is through using what others have and presenting it as their own.  One of the traits that they often cling to is cooperation.  They need you to be cooperative.  They need you to play along.  They are running a scam….and without your cooperation it just won’t work.  Herein lies the risk:  You are optimistic, and supportive; you are willing to go the extra mile to make things work and if there is a “problem” you are part of the “fix-it” team.  Make no doubt about it – you go along with the program.  It’s true…the program that is presented is pretty darn convincing…but still, it’s your high degree of cooperation that allows you to be the perfect partner for pathology.  In our brain, a cooperative mind means that we will stay stuck in the deceit.  We will continue to participate in the “he’s good/he’s bad” scenario.  As long as we stay there…we cannot get out.  The good news is that once you listen to the facts and make a decision about what you are experiencing…it is hard to keep playing. This is the beginning of the end of the relationship.   Herein lies the benefit:  Just as quickly and as committed as you are to cooperate you will be out…just as fast.  You are no sucker.  Because of who you are there will be no looking back once you see his two sides…once you know that you are dealing with someone who is pathological.  Acknowledging this…deeply and honestly acknowledging this… makes all the difference for you.  Making the decision to leave and get out is one thing…getting the intrusive thoughts to stop is another.  As a result of his mask-his presentation of two sides- you will continue to struggle with questioning yourself and what you experienced.  Your cooperative mind will want to go along with the program when your “fact finding” mind will tell you something completely different.    The benefit here is that you have the choice to cooperate-to cooperate with the facts.  If you can lean on those around you (who are probably telling you he is no good, he’s dangerous, he’s all wrong for you) and the facts as they are presented (he lied to you, stole from you, manipulated you); you will have a much better chance at emotional healing…healing that will last long after you have had no contact.

The next trait that a pathological relationship requires is helpfulness.  This goes hand in hand with cooperation.  You are one helpful person.  A pathological needs that too.   He needs to know that you will do what you need to do to get the job done.  He also needs to know that you will stand next to him when times get tough.  See, the program he’s running is one big con…so sometimes others challenge him.  These challenges can be direct or indirect…the can come from family (yours or his), from co-workers, from friends or acquaintances.  No matter the direction, he needs to know that you will be there beside him…to stand up for him.  You, after all, are just trying to help.  He plays the victim and you the rescuer.  It is one of the dynamics that keeps you locked in.  Herein lies the risk: you are eager and willing to get the job done…be the person to provide assistance and guidance.  You want to make things right…set things strait.  He needs a person who will make his mask seem true…someone to vouch for him.  Sometimes, you are the person who helps seal the deal…make his con appear real.  How could he be lying about who he is with you on his arm?  Herein lies the benefit: You are not going to help someone con others.  The gig will be up when you really see him for who he is.  You can then use your helpfulness to make sure no one else gets hurt.  In turn, you are helping yourself.  You are the kind of person who will be just as strong in aligning against him as you were aligning with him.  You will help yourself too…you are the kind of woman who will seek out what you need.  You will search the internet until you find answers and when you do…you apply the skills needed to disengage and begin healing.

There are a couple of ways to address these traits so that they do not become a risk but are more of a benefit.  Your cooperation was tested early on in the relationship.  You may have been asked to do things or led to do things just to see if you would follow through.  Take a moment and think about the early stage of your relationship.  Did you complete tasks that were outside of your personal boundaries…late night meetings, compromising sexual requests, unannounced visits, requests for money?  Take a moment and list these requests or experience-title them “Red Flags-Boundary Breakers.”  These represent ways in which your cooperation and helpfulness was “over-flowing” from your own cup.  Your desire to cooperate and be helpful was greater than your desire to stay true to who you are.  As you begin to heal you can use this list as a reminder of where your boundaries are…give yourself a chance to firmly instill them so that no other person will be allowed to cross them.

Breathe

“Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” – ThichNhatHanh

Your breath is your life.  It is the power that moves you. It is the energy that drives you.  It is the fire that keeps you alive.  Your breath keeps you focused on the task at hand.  Your breath helps you slow down and relax.  Your breath moves through your body like a river, creating life along it’s banks.

In pathological relationship recovery, all of these things are needed.  The things that your breath provides are the things that will help you get better.  You need power, energy, fire, focus, relaxation and to create life again.  So, it makes sense that a big part of recovery is that you learn to breathe again.

It seems odd that you might need to learn to breathe again, but you do.  You lost control of your breath the moment you were first traumatized in the pathological relationship.  That first red flag that rose took your breath away.  The first time he called you a nasty name, or showed up unannounced when you had said you were going to be busy, or anytime his masked slipped enough for you to see his pathology.  These are moments when your breath became off balance for the first time.  Your breath took over in a sense.  You may have not felt it; but you sensed it.

When you experience a trauma your body leaps into survival mode.  In order for you to survive, certain primary functions must lead the way.  Your breath first stops and slows which signals a release of adrenaline.  This process then tells your body to be on alert.  Other physiological symptoms occur like sweating, confusion, a fast heart beat.  Through the event your breath is moving in a pressured way…often making your chest feel heavy.  As the perception of the trauma resolves you come back to yourself.  But what happens in a pathological relationship is that you never really leave the exposure to the trauma.  So, you never really come back to yourself.  Your body and breath is always on alert, off balance, unsure of when the next moment of fear will occur.

After an extended exposure to psychological trauma, your breath is not even on your radar.  When you live “in trauma” you stop being able to sense your breath and often miss the other physiological symptoms too.  You are so busy “thinking” in circles that your body’s warning signs and symptoms are “normalized”.  This is the epitome of losing yourself.  Without this awareness and mindfulness you are not present.  Your mind is taking you on a journey outside of the present moment, “What do I do next?”, “What did I do wrong?”, “What can I do to make this stop?”  With these thoughts come the behavioral options – fight, flight or freeze.

There is another way through trauma and trauma recovery…breathe.  Being able to regain the mindfulness of breathing can change everything.  Whether you are still in the midst of trauma or working hard to recover from it; the focus on breathing is crucial.  It is really the foundation for recovery.

You can begin by learning how to take good, deep breaths.  In through your nose…count to three slowly as you inhale…and out through your mouth…count to three as you exhale.  As you breathe listen to the sound of the breath moving in through your nose, and hear the breath leaving your mouth.  Feel the coolness and the relaxing sensation of each breath.  Stay present and focused with each breath.

After you learn to breathe again, add daily scheduled time to practice.  It is recommended that you spend 15-20 minutes each night before bed practicing relaxation and mindful breathing.  You can start with a shorter time frame and build up to the full 20 minutes.  After you believe you have mastered the breathing, you can begin to add in mindfulness skills like turning your mind to thoughts on your immediate sensations.  Turn your mind to take in the sights around you, the sounds you hear, the sensations you feel or the scents you smell.  When your mind wanders, bring it back to the present and immediate moment. Focus on just what is within your own space.

So, now you can begin to catch your breath.  You can begin the process of calming your body, your mind and your spirit.  When you are breathing in a calm and measured way, you are at your best.  With a steady breath, you will be able to think clearly, respond smartly and behave in a way that is safe.

It all begins with one slow, deep breath.

Verbal Bulimia and the Art of Over-Disclosure

I wrote about Verbal Bulimia in my Dangerous Man book, discussed in Women Who Love Psychopaths, and frequently remind everyone in the newsletters and yet I still see this embarrassing behavior among women that not only sounds inappropriate to anyone else listening but also puts her at tremendous risk amongst pathologicals.

Years ago when I had a few psychopaths in group I asked them how they picked out their ‘targets’ and from the mouth of babes they said,”I just listen. If you get them talking, they rapidly over-disclose. Women tell WAY too much! You pick up everything they just said–what they like, their values. Feed it back to them. Become what they are looking for. And ~ VOILA~ you’re in!”

On my flight back from our Dangerous Man Workshop Cruise to Cozumel several years ago, I had one of those over-disclosing women sitting in front of me. Ladies, this is the kind of person that makes you want to switch genders so not to be associated with the behavior! She was purposefully loud so that others would hear her. In fact, she was so loud, the rows around her couldn’t even have their own private conversations because she was holding ‘court’ in the middle of the plane where it was mostly men.

LOUDLY she announces to a girlfriend (who must have been deaf either before the conversation started which is why she YELLED or afterward from yelling in her ear) that she was going to THE CLIFFS where she OWNED a CONDO so she COULD GOLF on TIGER WOODS’ golf course (am enunciating the way she did with her volume on the important parts of her braggadocios story). And that she FLEW back and forth to her OTHER HOME to THE CLIFFS to enjoy THE COUNTRY CLUB and GOLFING. (Just imagine if you were a psychopath sitting within ear range of this conversation….)

Oh, and THANKSGIVING, she was going to have 35 people over AND HER LARGE DINING ROOM could easily accommodate them. She was going to HAVE A COOK COME IN and help her prepare the meal. And ANYONE WHO NEEDED A PLACE TO BE on Thanksgiving was welcome to come (as she offered with a gesture of her hand to those sitting around her). (The psychopath is totaling up how much her silver and Plasma TVs are worth about now….)

Then it was on to her OTHER VACATION travels she has recently done….while everyone else around her were rolling their eyes and sticking their fingers in their ears (except for the psychopaths on board who were checking to make sure they had packed their sun tan lotion–planning on a trip WITH her).

Glory to God, the plane landed and it seemed like I could get away from her. She stood up, adjusted her breasts, fluffed her hair, and sucked her stomach in as she noticed the guy in my row had a 3 piece suit on (gag!) a gold chain and to her I guess ‘potential’ This highly accomplished multi-home owner who had been loudly touting her own virtues, all of a sudden couldn’t manage to get her bag out of the overhead, turning into Scarlett O’Hara. “Could some big strong man help little ol’ me here?”
She was staring straight at the gold-chain guy, so he felt obliged. Then she inserted something that had nothing to do with her bag being stuck. She stuck her hip out and leaned into his face “You know what I HATE?” “What?” he asks. “There are 3 lanes on a highway–one for 70 miles per hour, one for 80, and the last one for me–which is getting out of my way! The thing that drives me the CRAZIEST in the whole world ….” (I’m wondering Poverty? Abuse?World Hunger?Obviously not psychopaths—what?)…are people who drive too slowly so that I can’t roar my BMW Z4 at 95-100 miles per hour.”

She glances around to see who MIGHT have heard her. I have my therapy gaze on her now–like “Girl, GET a therapist!!” The guy winces at that statement and stares at his shoes. However, several other guys in line shift their position to move closer to her. Instead of heading out of the front of the plane they are turning around and heading DOWN the plane not out! What psychopath doesn’t want to con her out of a BMW Z4?? Or her Country Club membership? Or the dining room table that seats 35? Or those boobs she just pushed up?

Ok, ok….not ALL women who over-disclose do it so garishly and obnoxiously as this woman. But they DO, DO IT! There isn’t a pathological that isn’t wired to ‘hear’ the hints and hone in on it. They don’t have to remember to ‘listen’ — it’s a natural as breathing to them.

Maybe your disclosure is more subtle like at church: “Pray for me, I’m going through a divorce.”
Or in personal ads: “Recently divorced attractive woman looking for her soul mate.”

Or on a chat forum “Yeah, I was really hurt when he ran around on me. I’m just looking for a nice guy to settle down with–someone who likes children and animals, a churchgoer—someone who shares my love of art and hiking.”

TMI! TMI! Too Much Information!!

It’s hard to remember that all the ears and eyes that are exposed to you are not ‘normal’ ones. That pathologicals are listening for the ‘signs’ which are a green light to them to move on you. That includes, any hint of what you’re looking for (Fine, I can be that! he says) or loneliness (I’ll solve that!) or pain (Oh, baby, you’ve gotta let me redeem the male species! We aren’t ALL like that!).

Some are listening for your financial info (many are parasitic so are looking for ways of living with others so they can conveniently lose their jobs while with you) or to just bilk you out of your money quickly and be gone.

Others are listening for your need of a partner, companion, ‘just friends’ status, a step father for your children, a spiritual mentor, a shoulder to cry on…..

Others are listening to your unrealized dreams that they can ‘support’ you in your journey to being….a writer, a painter, a therapist, going back to college, starting your own business….

Still others are listening for your needs: Sexually hungry? Emotionally needy? Bored? Not listened to? Abused? Abandoned? Lonely? Tired? Angry?

Remember the church song when you were little “Be careful little eyes what you see….Be careful little ears what you hear…Be careful little mouth what you say…” Remember that? It reminded us that our eyes, ears, and MOUTH needed to be careful. The song went on, “For the Father up above is looking down with love so be careful little mouth what you speak.” If we ONLY had the Father to worry about, this wouldn’t be an issue.

1 in 25 people have no conscience thus are pathological. There are ears and eyes watching and listening to you to make you their target.

So, you’re probably wondering what I did about the obnoxious, verbally bulimic woman on the plane? I flipped my business card at her with my finger and as ‘coincidence’ would have it, it landed in her cleavage and I kept on walking…..Imagine her thoughts as she read my card “The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education Psychotherapist & Author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man and Women Who Love Psychopaths.”

Too bad the plane was too crowded to turn around and watch!!

Controlled Contact

“The most dangerous thing is illusion”-Ralph Waldo Emerson

It really is.  Illusion is dangerous.  As much as you want to be rid of the horror of a pathological relationship; as much as you want the chaos to end; as much as you try to make the quiet moments a sign of peace, it is all really an illusion.  Just because it’s over does not mean that it’s done.  In fact, the relationship being over can often mean the beginning of a new phase; wash, rinse, repeat.

In many cases you may be facing parallel parenting or endless court battles.  The problem is, you are different.  You know what you are up against.  The truth is, he is not different.  You can’t forget that.  So how do you manage what is in front of you?

When “no contact” is not possible because of kids or court, you can institute a policy for yourself called “Controlled Contact”. Controlled contact as in you are in control.  You set the rules; you create and hold on to the boundaries.  There is no denying that this will be like walking on a tightrope…with gators in the pond below…this is going to be hard.  But when you have control your path will be less challenging, easier to manage.  Most importantly, without illusion you will decrease the psychological impact that he has on you.

Controlled contact begins with evaluating how you communicate.  You must look at email, text, phone and in person.  The first step is to completely eliminate contact in the most ways possible.  So, ask yourself “Do I need to see him?”, “Do I need to call or talk on the phone with him?”, “Can I limit my contact to email only?”  Make a choice to eliminate at least two methods of contact.  This means that you will no longer have ANY communication with him via those methods.  You will not respond nor will you reach out via those methods.

The second step in controlled contact is to follow some simple communication rules.  Begin with limiting the words you use.  This means that instead of a lengthy email or text you limit your words to 3 or 4.  You can respond with “OK.” or “Yes.” or “No.” Those are complete sentences by the way.  Next, if you must use more than a couple of words eliminate all emotional language.  You can do this by not using phrases like “That’s not fair.”, “You keep hurting me.”, “You just don’t get it.” etc.  All of these phrases and phrases like them convey emotion.   This emotional language is just the thing that he needs to hook you…just the thing that he will know has you still hooked.

The third step is to be an observer during contact.  Stay alert by using linking and labeling.  Linking and labeling is a technique to link the behavior of the cluster b with the label of the behavior – identifying it as projection, gaslighting, crazy-making triangle, etc.  For example, pay attention and identify when you see the crazy making triangle.  Listen to his words and the position he speaks from, is it victim, persecutor or rescuer?  When you know which role he is speaking from it will help you to remember that you do not want to be in any of those positions with him…so be the wall.  Give him nothing back.  You have to stay outside of the crazy-making triangle because he never will.

The fourth step is to track your success.  Write down what works and what doesn’t-when you make a mistake, write it down and don’t do it again.  When you do this you are paying attention to patternsof his reaction to things.  This allows you to get your feet back underneath you and actually be able to predict his responses.

Finally, write down rules for yourself.  For example, when I talk I am only going to talk on the phone to him for more than 15 minutes.  Another rule might be when you talk stay on a certain topic-like the kid’s school issues.  When you set rules for yourself you are taking back your power.  Throughout the relationship he controlled the conversations, content and all.  Now, you decide.

For you to preserve your mental health you must stay in control when you can.  The aftermath of a pathological relationship is not perfect and it can often leave you feeling like you will never get control back again.  But, the truth is, once you rid yourself of the illusion that he will ever be any different, you gain some power back.

Genetic and Neuro-Physiological Basis for Hyper-Empathy

I heard a universal ‘sigh of relief’ go out around the world as women read the title of this article.  Don’t you feel better knowing there really IS some science backing the whole issue of having way too much empathy?

When we began writing about women who love psychopaths, anti-socials, sociopaths and narcissists, we already ‘assumed’ that maybe you did have too much empathy (as well as other elevated temperament traits).  We just didn’t know how much, or why.  When we began the actual testing for the research of the book ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’, we learned just ‘how much’ empathy you had.

Do I need to tell you?  WAY TOO MUCH!

By now you have probably already suspected that your super-high empathy is what got you in trouble in this pathological relationship.  But, did you know there is hard science behind what we suspected about what is going on in your relationship with your super-trait of high empathy?  It really IS all in your head – and your genes.

In fact, these genes influence the production of various brain chemicals that can influence just ‘how much’ empathy you have.  These brain chemicals include those that influence orgasm, and it’s effect on how bonded you feel, while also influencing some aspects of mental health (No, no!  That is not a good mix!).

Other brain chemicals influence how much innate and learned fear you have.  However, females don’t seem to assess threats well, and the chemicals then increase her social interactions while at the same time she is not assessing fear and threats well (This is not a good thing!!).

One of the final chemical effects delays your reflexes (like not getting out of the relationship), and also impacts your short and long term memory (how you easily store good memories that are very strong, and how you store bad memories which are easily forgotten).  And, since it is genetic, it can run in entire families that produce ‘gullible’ and ‘trusting’ individuals who seem to just keep getting hurt.

Of course, the reverse is also true.  Genes can influence the absence of various brain chemicals that influence ‘how little’ empathy a person has.  We already know in great detail how this affects those with personality disorders.  Personality disordered people (especially Cluster B disorders) struggle with not experiencing, or not having any empathy.

Over the past few years, the magazine has been writing about various aspects of personality disorder and the brain.  This has included the issue of brain imaging.  What we are finding out is how brain structure and chemicals can affect personality, empathy, behavior, and consequently, the behavior in relationships.  As advances are made in the field of neurobiology, we are learning more and more of what The Institute has always believed – that there is a lot of biology behind personality development issues such as personality disorders.  Genetics and neurobiology are proving that behavior associated with narcissism, borderline, anti-social personality disorders, along with psychopathy has as much to do with brain wiring and chemistry as it does with behavioral intent.

The Institute has long said to survivors that personality disorders are not merely willful behavior, but brain deficits that control how much empathy, compassion, conscience, guilt, insight, and change a person is capable.  Autism and personality disorders share a common thread as ’empathy spectrum disorders’ now being studied extensively within the field of neuroscience.  But, in some opposite ways, the women also share a common thread of an empathy disorder – hyper-empathy.  We are coming to understand that hyper-empathy has much to do with her innate temperament (you come into the world wired with the personality you have), genetic predispositions to high or low empathy, and brain chemistry configurations that contribute to levels of empathy. The old thinking which assumes women with high empathy are merely ‘door mats’ is not scientifically correct when looking at current studies.

Neuroscience, with all its awesome information, has the dynamic power to blow us all out of the murky waters of assuming that our behavior is merely a reflection of our will.  As neuroscience graces our minds with new understanding of how our brains work, it brings with it incredible freedom to understand our own traits, and the pathological traits of others.

For a mind blowing book on the genetic and neurobiology of not only personality disorders, but ‘evil’ as well, read Barbara Oakley’s book, Evil Genes, or her latest book on hyper-empathy entitled, Cold-Blooded Kindness.

Fantasy and Its’ Effect on Your Reality

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Women who are in relationships with pathologicals test very high in the trait of ‘fantasy.’ Fantasy is not just merely wishful thinking. Fantasy has other components in it that affects your here and now life.

Fantasy is often associated with the future and in some ways the past. Here’s how… women often stay in pathological relationships because they feel panic or fear of abandonment when she or the pathological tries to end the relationship. She ends up re-contacting or allowing re-contact because of these feelings of fear/panic/abandonment.

Abandonment is an early childhood feeling. As adults we are not technically capable of being abandoned (unless you are for instance medically dependent.) The reason we aren’t capable of being abandoned as adults is that as mentally healthy adults, we really can’t be abandoned in the childhood sense. That feeling is an early childhood feeling usually associated with a time of adult or parental abandonment. It is an age-regression feeling–something that pulls you back to your childhood or a very young emotional state.

The feeling of ‘ending’ a male relationship often subconsciously sets off childhood feelings of abandonment. These are past associations and it taps into fantasy that it is happening all over again when it really isn’t. The previous male in your life who did abandon you as a child (for instance) is not the same thing as a pathological leaving your adult life.

But inside, internally, the child feeling is so strong that it feels like a ‘hole in the soul.’ The fantasy of THIS being the same as THAT takes hold and your panic makes you go back or allow him back in.

Fantasy is also future oriented. Fairy tales are fantasy and are based on “Once upon a time….and happily ever after” which is all the good stuff that ‘might’ happen in the future. Women stay in relationships with pathologicals based on a lot of ‘fantasy future betting’ — that is:
•    he might stop acting pathological
•    he might marry me
•    he might stop cheating
•    he might tell the truth
Fantasy betting is a lot like gambling…betting on a future that is not likely to happen with a pathological.

Why? Because pathology is the inability to change and sustain change, grow in any meaningful way, and the inability to for him to see how his behavior negatively affects others.

But women also stay in pathological relationships based on ‘projected fantasies’ that is, she fantasizes he will be happy with the NEXT woman and she will get all his good traits and none of his bad. This too is fantasy….that his pathology somehow will not affect HER the way it affects you. (You can’t turn pathology on and off like a light switch!)

Here’s some info: Pathology Affects EVERYONE the SAME!! (Unless she’s pathological as well–then who cares if he goes on to have a relationship worthy of a Jerry Springer Show?).
•    Women fantasize that this ‘abandonment’ feeling will affect her the way the childhood abandonment did. (And it will not–just as an FYI for you).
•    Women fantasize that he will be different with them. If he is truly pathological he is hard-wired. This IS his DNA.
•    Women fantasize that he will be happy in the future and she is missing out on something. If he is truly pathological, his patterns don’t change.
Fantasy is not the here and now. It’s not being present in the real life that is happening around you in this moment. It’s ‘out there somewhere’ kind of thinking. Come back to what’s real right now. List the 5 most real points about him right here:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Now stand back, step out of the childhood feelings, and look at the list with adult eyes. You can’t be abandoned as an adult because where ever you go, there you are and you are all you need as an adult. You don’t have dependency needs as an adult like you did as a child. To be abandoned is to be dependent on the one who is abandoning. Adults are not dependent.

Your real life is going on right NOW while you are in your head about his drama and the pathological intrigue. You are MISSING your real life that is happening right now! Drama, obsession and intrusive thoughts are usually about fantasy–the past or the future. It sure isn’t about this present moment and what’s happening right now. Such as, you might be ignoring:
•    your own health
•    your own self-care and happiness
•    maybe that of your children and friends
…because of how much time you spend in fantasy. Fantasy is telling you ‘just a little longer and he’ll get it and then I’ll have the life I really want.’

Your life is right now–not back there and not up there in the future.

 

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l spent a decade co-parenting with a person who shows many symptoms of  a pathologically disordered person.

It took me long years before I came across Sandra’s book “Women Who Love Psychopaths”, which, as the first book to specifically focus on the needs of the victims with disordered partners, I believe, literally saved my life and became the basis of my search for further information. Surprisingly, in academia l found no well researched psychological work on the cognitive, social and biological processes in connection with the victims of psychopaths. I feel that because of my own experience and background in psychology, it is my privilege and opportunity to help others by taking part in academic research on this neglected but important subject. I will be working closely with the Institute, as l believe Sandra’s 25 years of therapeutic work with victims of psychopaths is an excellent base from which to do academic research on this subject.

For the benefit of victims and researchers it is important that academic psychological research be carried out on victims of psychopaths. It is from research that Sandra believes the focused treatment model of care is further developed for survivors.

I have been accepted as a postgraduate psychology student to investigate the effects of having a close relationship with disordered partners.  This research which will support The Institute’s research initiatives can only be done with financial support. We can do it together, please donate to make it happen! Thank you.

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7 Ways to Reduce Relationship Stress

Do you feel like there is a huge brick wall between you and your significant other? You’re screaming at each other trying to make yourself understood but this wall keeps making your message come through garbled on the other side?

You’re not alone. This is one of the biggest problems with relationships. So many so called experts say there is a lack of communication. I disagree, I believe most couples communicate quite a bit (at least until the frustration becomes too much). The problem I’ve seen and felt from couples is a lack of effective communication.

Here are some specific ways you can reduce the relationship stress at home (and reduce stress breathing):

1. Get clear on your wants and needs. Everyone has specific wants and needs that they have to have fulfilled to feel loved, significant, and worthy. Countless problems occur because couples expect their significant other to intuit or “just know” what makes them happy.

2. Communicate in the same “language.” People experience the world differently. Many couples experience struggles simply because they don’t understand how the other person experiences the world. Most people experience the world mainly through vision or mainly through feelings. A wife may struggle to explain how she feels about a situation while a husband will tell her what it looks like to him.

3. Spend time together. Yes this is a simple idea but it is essential. Spending time with your spouse is important in so many ways. For instance, sleeping in the same bed results in a couples hearts beating in sync.

4. Have fun together. You don’t have to like all the same activities, just make sure you go to the same places together. Perhaps you may like to read on the beach while your significant other plays in waves. You’ve now both experienced joy at the beach, this is a shared experience which helps reduce tension together.

5. Stop being so judgmental. Life doesn’t ever go 100% right. Cut your spouse some slack. It’s a team effort. If they need help, jump in and help rather than nagging and demeaning them.

*Children and parents alike need to know that, when they make mistakes, they have a loving family that will back them up.

6. Have clear rules. Women especially like to have a clear set of rules or behaviors that as a couple you have decided is acceptable. Remember to be fair. If you’re allowed to look at other women realize that she can do the same. Having clear rules from the outset helps avoid stress later in a relationship.

7. Introvert or extrovert. This one is important! How do you “recharge” your batteries? Do you like to be alone with your thoughts, read a book, go for a walk or do you like to talk the problems out, go to a party, or have a barbecue. Is your spouse the opposite? This can lead to a endless problems if you don’t respect the other persons needs.

A happy and stress free relationship is one built on understanding and communication.

Sources:

  1. Negative Memories
  2. Diet and Stress Levels
  3. How to Sleep Well

Signs of Relationship Stress

We are all searching for the perfect relationship. We have ideals of what the perfect relationship should be like. In a perfect world we would all have that. It is unrealistic to expect that all of your relationships will be perfect. Many relationships will contain signs of relationship stress that we may choose to ignore simply because we want the perfect relationship. Some relationships will naturally be better than others. Some we have to work harder at. Knowing how to identify the signs of relationship stress will help you handle your relationship problems.

Most of us would like to be in a relationship that consists of friendship, trust, understanding, caring and clear communication. It doesn’t always work that way. Often times our relationships are full of problems in all of these areas. We may not address the problems right away or we choose to ignore them hoping they will go away and instead they just get worse. Sooner or later those signs of relationship stress that we chose to ignore are so overwhelming that we feel there is now way out.

If you are in a relationship that is less than perfect then you may be experiencing some of the following: feeling sick, inability to concentrate, depressed, anxious, fighting about the same things repeatedly, ignoring problem situations, distance from your partner, not talking to each other, sleeplessness, mistrust, decreased sense of loyalty, decreased sense of caring, unwillingness to try, irritability, anger and resentment.

These are all signs of relationship stress. You might experience one, some or all of them. If you are at the point where you are experiencing the majority of these symptoms then your relationship is likely in a lot of trouble. This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship will end. You do need to address these issues quickly in order to restore your relationship to the way it was before the problems began. You have to change things and you can make a difference.

Sources:

REAL LOVE NOT JUST REAL ATTRACTION

So many people confuse the feeling of ‘attraction’ with the emotion of love. For some who are in chronic dangerous and pathological relationships, it’s obvious that you have gotten these two elements ‘mixed up.’ Not being able to untangle these understandings can keep people on the same path of unsafe relationship selection because they keep choosing the same way and getting the same people!

Attraction is largely not only unconscious but also physical.  There is actually something called an ‘erotic imprint’ which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction. (I talked about this in the Dangerous Man book). Our erotic imprint is literally ‘imprinted’ in our psyches when we are young–at that age when you begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex. As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive. For instance, I like stocky dark-haired men. When ever I see that type of image, I immediately find that man ‘attractive.’ I can ‘vary’ slightly on my attraction but I’m not going to find Brad Pitt attractive. I might forego the full ‘stocky’ appearance but I’m not going to let go of some of the other traits that make men appealing to me. We like what we like. For instance, I am attracted to Johnny Depp or George Clooney. I don’t like any of the blondes or overly tall and lanky body types.

If you think back to what your ‘attraction’ basis is, you may find some patterns there as well. Attraction, however, can also be behavioral or based on emotional characteristics. For instance, some women are attracted to guys with a great sense of humor. The attraction is based on that characteristic. Other women may be attracted to athletic guys–not because of what sports do to their bodies, but because of the behavioral qualities of athletes.  Attraction can be subtle–like the unconscious erotic imprinting that makes us select men based on physical attributes OR attraction may lead us to choose relationships based on behaviors or emotional characteristics like displays of empathy, helpfulness or friendliness. (I discussed your own high traits of empathy, helpfulness and friendliness in Women Who Love Psychopaths.)

Although these traits might guide our relationships selection, this is not the foundation of love. It’s the foundation of selection.

Often, our relationship selection comes more from attraction than it does anything else. So knowing ‘who’ and ‘what types’ you are attracted to will help you understand your patterns of selection. Some people choose characteristics–helpfulness, humor, gentleness or another quality that they seem to be drawn to. Other people are more physical in their attraction and find the physicality of someone either a ‘go’ or a ‘no.’ Maybe you like blondes or blue eyes. This may also drive your pattern of selection.

Also in the area of attraction–sometimes it’s Traumatic Attraction that seems to drive our patterns of selection. People, who have been abused, especially as children, can have unusual and destructive patterns of selection. While this may seem the opposite of what you would expect, these patterns are largely driven by unresolved trauma. People who were raised in alcoholic, dysfunctional, or abusive homes are likely to repeat those exact patterns in their selection of a partner. They often select individuals who have similar ‘characteristics’ to the abusive/neglectful/addicted adult they grew up with or were exposed to. The characteristics could be physical (how they look) or behavioral (how they act) or emotional (how they abuse/neglect).  In any event, the unresolved abuse issues drive them to keep selecting abusers for relationships. Today, they are mystified as to why they keep picking abusive/neglectful/addicted people for relationship partners. That which remains unresolved, revolves–around and around thru our lives until it is resolved.

So, when you have no idea that attraction (good, bad, or dysfunctional) is guiding your selections, you just keep picking the same way and getting the same thing. But because the world keeps using the word ‘love’ you use it, too. And you label your attraction-based-choices (that are largely dysfunctional) as ‘love’ and then become confused about the nature of this thing called ‘love.’ Your attraction is NOT love. It is merely attraction. What DOES or DOES NOT happen IN the relationship may be more reflective of ‘love’ than anything else.

Remember the Bible verse, “Love is patient, love is kind, love does not seek it’s own…”? it helps to reflect how love is ‘other centered’ not in a codependent and frantic needy way but in a way that helps others be interdependent in relationships. Love is often attributed to positive ‘attributes’ such as:

Joy – love smiling

Peace – love resting

Patience – love waiting

Kindness – love showing itself sensitive to others’ feelings

Goodness – love making allowances

Faithfulness – love proving constant

Gentleness – love yielding

Self-control – love triumphing over selfish inclinations

–Source Unknown

(Now, think about if ANY of those traits described the Pathological Love Relationship? I didn’t think so….)

“As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims” (From: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls).

This Valentine’s Day be very clear with yourself about love and attraction. This is a time when you might be likely to want to recontact him. Let me remind you, NOTHING has changed. His pathology is still the same. And on February 15th you could hate yourself for recontacting him for one weak illusionary moment on Feb 14th–in which the world is focused on love but he is focused on manipulation, control or anything OTHER than love. If you open that door, then you will have weeks or months of trying to get him out and disconnect again.

Instead, plan ahead for your potential relapse by setting up an accountability partner AND something to do! Go to a movie with a friend; go out to dinner, so SOMETHING that takes responsibility and action for your own loneliness at this time of year. Whatever you do, don’t have a knee jerk reaction and contact him. One day on the calendar about love is just an ILLUSION!

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Gender Disclaimer: The issues The Institute writes about are mental health issues. They are not gender issues. Both females and males have the types of Cluster B disorders we often refer to in our articles. Our readership is approximately 90% female therefore we write for those most likely to seek out our materials. We highly support male victims and encourage others who want to provide support to male victims to encompass the issues we discuss only from a female perpetrator/male-victim standpoint. Cluster B Education is a mental health issue applicable to both genders.

HEALTHY LOVE – WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THAT?

by Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

Since Valentine’s Day was upon us, I thought it would be a great discussion about what happens in Pathological Love Relationships— that attraction is on over-drive while love (from a pathological) is lingo-bling.

But what about real love, healthy love? People write all the time and say ‘When are you going to write How to Spot a Healthy Partner because with as many bad relationships that I’ve been in, I can hardly tell the difference between what should be obviously toxic and what should be obviously healthy.’

The opposite of healthy love is what we often call ‘toxic’ love. Sometimes understanding what toxic ‘looks like’ helps us to see what real ‘love’ should look like too.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. Toxic Love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski).

Love Toxic Love
Development of self is first priority Obsession with relationship
Room to grow, expand, desire for other to grow Security and comfort in sameness;
insensitivity of need seen as proof of love
(may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests
Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing
Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature) Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply”
Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation
Embracing of each other’s individuality Trying to change other to own image
Relationship deals with all aspects of reality Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant
Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other
Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go) Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings)
Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification
Ability to enjoy being alone Unable to endure separation; clinging
Cycle of comfort and contentment Cycle of pain and despair

 

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then you are probably in a Pathological Love Relationship because the end result of these relationships is ‘Inevitable Harm.’  Let’s be clear that there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship – it is natural and healthy. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment – it is a lesson. And these lessons are mostly about pathology, its permanence, and the lives it affects without discrimination.