Pacing and Planning Your Own Recovery

Becoming Part of The Institute’s Path to Recovery

Since the beginning of the year, we have been focused on discussing your recovery in great detail. That is because the power of pathology saws people off at the knees. In order to heal, you have to have a plan for your own recovery.

We consider this so important that a portion of all of my counseling including phone, in person, or at the retreats is focused on how to pace and plan your own recovery.

Women fantasize that ‘somehow’ getting over this pathological relationship will just ‘happen’ and don’t know they should be planning their recovery or even how to go about planning it.

In fact, most women have done -0- to pace, plan, or facilitate their own healing process. Those of you who have found the website are much further ahead than the woman who has not even begun reading about the topic of her relationships yet! So finding the information is a great first step. But, it’s only a first step and too many women stop there only to relapse and get into yet another pathological relationship.

Last year’s newsletters spent a lot of time examining the depth of damage done at the hands of your pathological. We have looked at PTSD, The Cracked Vessel, the need for Living the Gentle Life, about intrusive thoughts and obsessions, healing spiritually, healing sexually and about fantasy and hatred. We have spent almost 52 weeks looking very deeply at the issue of how this relationship has hurt you emotionally, physically/medically, spiritually, sexually and financially.

There will always be those women who will not do anything about their lives except continue to be a victim of it. How do I know this? I get the same emails from the same people week after week asking me the same ‘loophole-based’ questions about ‘do I think she should leave him because after all, he SAID he would change.’ Week after week the same people with the same questions who haven’t read the book, who have not spent time in the workbook, who haven’t listened to one mp3 or CD, who haven’t spent 1 hour in counseling….keep asking the same questions and getting the same results.

Any 12 Stepper knows that the only way they can stay away from something so life-gripping like drugs, alcohol, gambling or sex is with a concerted daily focused recovery on themselves and the behaviors, habits and beliefs that lead them to the life-damaging events that have altered them. Women who will recover from pathological relationships are those who take the same serious and focused approach to the life-gripping and life- damaging relationship that has altered her life.

40+ hours a week is spent at The Institute developing ways to strengthen YOUR recovery–after all, this isn’t about US! This is done by writing books, e-books, making mp3s and CDS and other products, giving workshops and conferences, training therapists so they can do phone counseling with you, opening a retreat center so you can get specific and unique treatment for your issues, and intense research so we understand WHAT you need to heal from this.

We hope that 2010 is the year you really knuckle-down and focus on your own recovery–taking the steps you need to take to heal from the life-damaging experience.

Why? First of all, we don’t want pathology to win by destroying the lives of strong and wonderful women. We exist to kick butt on this issue! Secondly, WE NEED YOU!

~ If you don’t teach the woman you sit next to, how will she learn to spot and avoid pathology?

~ If you don’t heal and recover, who will be a teacher to others?

~ Who will run support groups?

~ Who will give community lectures?

~ Who will operate an outreach?

It is not us! Our focus is to educate YOU. Your job is to reach others! 2010 can be the year that you heal and reach others. Let us help you reach your recovery goals, and then the world!

Pathology Videos

Psychopathy Passed from Mother to Son?

Excerpt:

Psychopathic killers are the basis for some must-watch TV, but what really makes them tick? Neuroscientist Jim Fallon talks about brain scans and genetic analysis that may uncover the rotten wiring in the nature (and nurture) of murderers. In a too-strange-for-fiction twist, he shares a fascinating family history that makes his work chillingly personal. - Watch YouTube Video – Jim Fallon – Exploring the Mind of a Killer

Antisocial Personality Disorder

Excerpt:

Join expert Robert Hare in an interview on Antisocial Personality Disorder – Watch YouTube video

Imaging Brain Abnormalities in Borderline Personality Disorder

Excerpt:

Watch expert Dr. Charles Nemeroff discuss what imaging can tell us about the neurological underpinnings in Borderline Personality Disorder – Watch YouTube video

Are You Really As Far Along As You Think You Are?

For the New Year, the month of January we have been discussing recovery and finding your path to emotional wellness from Pathological Love Relationships in 2010.

When women get mild relief from the unrelenting symptoms of the aftermath with a pathological, it can be palatable to them. The relief from intrusive thoughts, obsessions, PTSD, poor sleep, hyper-vigilance, or any other problematic symptom can feel ‘healing’ to them. But it doesn’t always mean they ARE healed.

Over and over again, I have learned how damaging, how unrelenting the aftermath is from pathological relationships.

For some women, it reaches all the way back to childhood with pathological parents. For others, however, it has been only in their intimate relationships during adulthood yet has left its distinguished mark.

Mild relief can often be mistaken for recovery. Recovery is a life long journey of self care. Recovery can begin at the moment you recognize the damage done to you by pathologicals but it doesn’t end with a counselor or a group. For many women, the symptoms have crept into their worldview, how they see others, their environment, and themselves.

Weekly, I learn again and again as I meet with women that the damage is widespread. This isn’t a quick fix or often even a quick treatment. While her mild relief of symptoms instills relief or hope, it isn’t the end of her recovery journey. It’s the beginning.

Like peeling an onion, each layer shows a level of damage that needs care. All the way down to the core are layers of unperceived and unrecognized aftermath symptoms. At the core are boundary issues–those necessary limits that show someone understands what’s hers, someone else’s, or God’s. From the center of boundaries are developed gates which serve as limits saying what one will tolerate and will not tolerate.

Boundaries are the bedrock of all recovery. Anything that is built will be built from the issue of healthy or unhealthy boundaries. Many women don’t realize that pathologicals target women with poor boundaries.

They test it out early in the relationship and when small violations are not managed, they proceed on with bigger violations. Every violation is a green light. Boundaries are the first step in recovery.

In other layers of the onion lays hyper-vigilance issues. High harm avoidance from PTSD weaves a level of distrust in new environments, people, and situations. It affects fear of the future and even fear of now.

Another layer of the onion is communication–the ability to listen in the midst of upset. Since pathologicals have skewed communication, this area is often seriously affected. Long term exposure to pathologicals produces the same type of skewed communication patterns and linguistics in women who have normalized abnormal behavior.

A layer of emotional regulation is most assuredly part of the aftermath–anxiety, depression, irritability, the overflow of pent up emotions and the inability to control the emotions.

Layer after layer are aftermath symptoms that must be peeled and treated in recovery. Everyone knows how many layers are in an onion. While it may be disconcerting to see all those layers, the layers are translucent and show the wounding on each level that recovery must touch.

Women who have begun recovery may be surprised at what feels like the un-ending layers of the onion and wonder when they will reach the core. A mild relief from anxiety or sleeplessness is welcomed but should not be viewed as more than it is. Reaching to the core is deep work and should be respected for the lengthy process it is likely to be. What other choice is there?

Whether you begin at the core with boundaries, or start at the outer edge with symptom management and work into the onion core, allow the process because there is not healing without it.

We must never underestimate the damage done by pathologicals at a deep emotional and even spiritual level.

Caselaw Reference

For more information on this case, see this webpage: https://emma.legalmomentum.org/exchweb/bin/redir.asp?URL=http://www.nesl.edu/centers/clsr_svln_online.cfm?SVID=648

Sexual Violence Legal News Online
United States v. Morris, United States District Court, E.D. Tennessee
2009 WL 290601

Topic:

Discovery/Productio n, Expert Testimony, Privacy, Victim’s Rights

Nature of the case:

Defendant is charged with depriving persons of their civil rights under color of the law and making a false statement. Defendant allegedly forced one woman to engage in sexual activity with him, and caused another woman to engage in an indecent act to prevent him from pursuing a criminal charge against her. All of this occurred while he was a deputy sheriff.

Facts and Issues on Appeal:

This case involves two issues. First, whether or not a psychologist may testify as to her clinical interview with an alleged sexual assault victim, and testify to her opinion regarding whether or not the victim’s symptoms are similar to those of sexual abuse victims. Second, if this testimony is allowed, whether the defendant may compel the alleged victim to be examined by his own psychologist. The government intended to offer the expert testimony of a psychologist to testify that the victim suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and that PTSD is commonly the result of traumatic events such as sexual assault. The Defendant asserted that this evidence was inadmissible, and that if it were to be admitted, he would have a due process right to conduct his own psychological evaluation of the victim. The trial court allowed the expert testimony and denied the defendant’s request to compel a psychological evaluation of the victim. The appellate court agreed with the trial court, reasoning as follows:

Ruling & Rationale:

The expert’s testimony is admissible because it is relevant, and its probative value is not outweighed by possible unfair prejudice, confusion of the issues, or misleading the jury. Most jurisdictions allow such expert testimony, as long as the expert’s opinion is limited such that the issue of credibility is left to the jury to decide.

The court also held that the defendant is not entitled to an order compelling the victim to be examined by the defendant’s own psychologist. The court found the defendant’s need for such an evaluation to be “uncompelling.” There was no due process issue because the defendant was able to call experts to advise his counsel on how to cross-examine the government’s expert, and he could call his own experts to rebut the government’s witness on issues of methodology, diagnosis, and conclusions. These experts were also allowed to remain in the courtroom while the victim and the psychologist testified. The court has discretion regarding psychological evaluations and should consider the impact on the individual’s well-being and privacy. If an examination could be used to harass the victim, and might deter other victims from coming forward, there is no abuse of discretion in denying a defendant’s request.

EDITORIAL COMMENT: This court discusses two important issues that appear frequently in sexual assault cases but not other types of criminal matters. Expert witnesses are sometimes necessary in sexual assault cases to help educate jurors about why a victim’s seemingly odd behavior is nonetheless consistent with the behavior of a typical sexual assault victim. Such expert testimony is needed to rebut strongly held myths about rape victims that cause jurors unfairly to judge victims harshly during trial. At the same time, forcing a victim to submit to a psychological evaluation at the behest of her assailant does little to assist the fact-finder and is an extreme invasion of privacy.

Forcing a victim to submit to an unwanted intrusion into her intimate psychological self is an intrusion similar to the type of harm experienced during the sexual assault. A court should be loathe to subject an innocent citizen to an unwanted violation of privacy as a cost of participating in the criminal justice system. This court does a good job explaining why protecting victims from such harm has no impact on the defendant’s due process rights. The victim is not a party to the criminal proceeding and is not the defendant’s opponent. Thus, unlike in a civil case where a victim is a party to the case and where she effectively waives her rights by demanding money damages to compensate her for psychological injuries, a victim’s mental state is not an element of the offense in a criminal case.

Submitted By: Kathryn Schwartz — Law Student

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For more information on these cases, see the NCLVI website.

Case Spotlight:

State: Utah

Subject: Reimbursement for a domestic violence victim

Cite: State v. Wood

In the case of State v. Wood, the Utah Crime Victims Legal Clinic, one of the clinics in NCVLI’s national clinical network, sought restitution for a domestic violence victim. Defendant opposed the motion, arguing that the victim lacked standing to request restitution independent of the prosecutor, and that the types of restitution requested were inappropriate. With technical assistance from NCVLI, the Utah Clinic replied to defendant’s opposition. On August 3rd the district court found in favor of the victim. In rejecting defendant’s argument, the court concluded that a prosecutor’s statutory obligation to file a restitution claim does not bar a victim from applying directly to the court for restitution. The court further held that the victim’s medical expenses, travel expenses, relocation expenses, and mental health counseling expenses were all “pecuniary damages” suffered as a result of defendant’s criminal conduct, and restitution for those expenses was therefore appropriate.

Case Spotlight:

State: California

Subject: Privacy of confidential records

In California, defendant, who was charged with felony counts of sex with a minor, subpoenaed the victim’s counseling records, and without notice to the victim, also subpoenaed educational records from the victim’s school. After the victim received notice of the subpoena from her school she retained NCVLI’s California Clinic, California Voice for Crime Victims. With assistance from NCVLI, the California Clinic moved to quash the subpoenas, arguing that they violated the newly adopted constitutional victims’ rights provisions pursuant to which crime victims have the right to “refuse an interview, deposition, or discovery request by the defendant,” and to “prevent the disclosure of confidential information or records to the defendant.” After oral argument, the court ruled from the bench, granting the victim’s motion after finding that Marsy’s Law affords victims the right to refuse these types of discovery requests.

Upcoming Case:

State: Illinois

Cite: J.M. v. Briseno

Subject: Protective order denied because court found victim’s testimony uncredible due to her intoxication

In October, NCVLI joined the Illinois Coalition Against Sexual Assault (“ICASA”) as amici curiae in the case of J.M. v. Briseno pending before the Appellate Court of Illinois. This appeal arises out of the denial of the petitioner’s request for a no contact order, following her sexual assault by respondent. The lower court conducted a five-day evidentiary hearing, at which petitioner testified that she was heavily intoxicated on the night of the incident and that she did not want to engage in sexual activity with the Respondent. Petitioner’s testimony stood unrebutted. Nevertheless, the court denied the Petition, finding petitioner’s testimony was not credible because she was intoxicated and it was more likely than not that she consented. The amicus brief will discuss the public policy behind protective orders, and highlight the internal inconsistencies in the lower court’s decision, and its foundation upon outdated and unfounded stereotypes related to sexual assault. Look for an update on this case in future e-newsletters or on NCVLI’s website.

Why a Focused Recovery is Necessary

Beginning 2010 in a Completely Different Mindset

Last week I began the New Year by talking about the issue of healing, recovery,
and moving forward. In fact, all of January we are going to look at why starting 2010
‘differently’ can help you move forward in recovering from the aftermath of a pathological love relationship.

The past few years at The Institute has been a tremendous time of development. (Don’t mind me as I wander down memory lane of all that has happened this year at The Institute….)

A mere two years ago the newsletter started. We now have nearly 35,000 subscribers each week. That created a snowball effect and the phone counseling and coaching began. More e-books were written. Then the CDs, mp3s, DVDs, and tele-seminars were created.

Research commenced and the Women Who Love Psychopaths book was written. 2nd Edition is coming out soon. The retreat program started, we trained therapists and coaches, and started the Inpatient Treatment Center. Sandra began to do more keynote speaking at other organizations conferences including law schools and victim organizations.

All this development because of realizing how uniquely damaged you became at the hands of a pathological. All this research because of realizing there was really something to ‘the temperament’ of women who end up in pathological relationships. All this phone counseling, therapist training and retreat/treatment center creation because so few people ‘get it’ about you, him, and the mind-blowing relationship dynamics. For the FIRST time there really is a concrete program designed about you and in some ways, by you, and definitely for you.

The one thing that does stand out in the research and what I have been eye-balling closely about healing and recovery is that this level of damage by him is profound. If there were lots of ‘hims’ then it’s even more profound. What this does to you over the long haul is take some strong, fabulous women out of the game of life by destroying you.

Untreated symptoms, get worse. Symptoms that get worse effect your life functioning and your children. Worsened effects then contaminate your partner selection. And if you do get a healthy one, you don’t like him or you’re too messed up from the pathological relationship to be in a healthy relationship so he leaves.

Untreated symptoms make intrusive thoughts worse so obsessions increase. Friends abandon you because they are tired of hearing about the obsessions so you isolate.

Isolation makes you at risk of recontacting him and recontacting him lowers your coping skills.

As your coping skills drop your bad habits increase (drinking, medication over use, eating, hibernating).

As your coping skills lower your fantasizing increases ‘Maybe he ISN’T pathological’ “Maybe he WILL stop cheating, etc.’ and your minimizing begins ‘At least he …..’

More contact with him increases your Post Traumatic Stress symptoms of flashbacks, fear of the future, unbridled worry, depression,and insomnia.

Is any of this sounding familiar? There is a typical decompensation pattern that most of the women go through. Recovery can stop that decompensation and begin rebuilding your life.

By December 31 of this year (2010) how many of you will be in the same situation, with the same man, having the same symptoms?

On the other hand, how many of you will be ‘pathology free?’ — symptoms reduced,

a new vigor for life, insight about how this happened and how to avoid it in the future?

How many of you will be less depressed and anxious, more active, lost weight, have more friends,

have a better job, have happier children, got more self esteem so a better job or gone back to school, and have potential to have a healthy relationship…?

I’m not a resolution type person so I don’t make them but I AM an advocate for complete life changes. Not tiny habits, big overhauls. Let’s face it, if you have dated a narcissist or a psychopath, you NEED a big life overhaul. Something malfunctioned in your life that created this

huge blind spot under which really sick people flew into your life, camped there, and overtly destroyed you. That’s not a little issue—take a look at the condition of your life and see if you think it was ‘little.’ Ask others if they think it was little.

2010 is going to be a great year here at The Institute–I can just feel it. We spent the last three years laying a solid ground work for super programming next year.

For the first time ever, everything is in place to heal for the women who have loved pathologicals. I believe we have covered all the bases with phone support (coaching and weekly support groups), in person counseling (retreats, 1:1s, and inpatient treatment), portable products (ebooks, books, DVDs, CDS) and community outreach through workshops in your area. We have removed the barriers to assistance by creating our program in as many formats as possible. I recently found out that the Dangerous Man book is now in almost every country of the world!

I hope in 2010 instead of being a mere name on our email list, you’ll be a very active part of The Institute beginning by working on your own healing. Then we hope you will run support groups in your community, give powerpoint presentations for other women in your area, or start an advocacy group. Instead of emailing me and telling me what ELSE I should be doing (I’m tired enough!), how about you step out and be the powerhouse in your own community?

How about you take it to the streets and pass it forward? How about you turn your life around so you can be a role model to other women?

All of this begins when you start healing yourself…and moving forward.

The truth is, there is only us to educate others. You don’t see a multi-million dollar ad campaign with billboards on the highways that announce how to spot pathological relationships do you? That’s because it doesn’t exist. Sadly, no one has funded a national campaign to warn and educate others. However, what exists is The Institute + You = Education For Others.

It’s you and me, babe!

As Gandhi said ‘Be the change you want to see in the world.’

Join us in 2010 for Healing Your Heart! We’re here.

Finding Effective Help in 2010!

By now if you have been trying to heal from a pathological love relationship and can’t find effective and knowledgeable counseling you have probably figured out what we have…that the pathological love relationship is NOT widely understood.

Frustrated women hear unhelpful advice from family, friends and even therapists who label their attachment to pathological men as “codependent” or “mutually addictive” or merely “emotional abuse.” Women jump from counselor to counselor and from group counseling experience-to-group counseling experience looking for someone, ANYONE, who understands this intense attachment to a dangerous and pathological man.

She looks for some understanding at ‘what’ is wrong with him. Labeling him an ‘abuser’ doesn’t quite cover the extensive array of brilliant psychopathic tendencies he has. Why was SHE targeted by him? Why does she feel both intense attachment and loathing for him at the same time? Why do her symptoms more resemble ‘mind control’ than mere ‘abused woman syndrome?’ Why is the bonding with this man more intense and unshakeable than any other man? Is it abuse if he never physically harms you but has the mental infiltration of a CIA operative?

What we are finding out from our research about women who have been in pathological love relationships is that all the normal dynamics of regular relationships DON’T apply to these types. All the normal dynamics of addictive relationships, codependent relationships and dysfunctional relationships DON’T apply to these types either. No wonder women can’t find the help they need…it hasn’t been taught YET! Our research is pointing towards women who DON’T fit into the stereotypes of women we normally see in shelters, counseling centers and in other abuse situations. These are not women who have the kinds of histories we normally associate with abuse nor do they have the kinds of current lives that fit the demographics of most counseling programs and shelters. Their personality traits and behaviors fit no other ‘typologies.’ And their current symptoms don’t match the simply ‘dysfunctional’ love relationship.

Could it be that the dynamics in a pathological love relationships really ARE different than other types of relationships? Could this be why women in these types of relationships aren’t helped by the more prevalent types of intervention offered to other types of abusive relationships? Why does the Power & Control Wheel model seem ineffective with these types of women? Why are these women LESS likely to seek traditional counseling? And if they do, why are they less likely to be helped by it? Why are these women’s personality traits so vastly different then shelter women? Or abused women?

Too many women have been through the ringer of counselors-not-understanding-psychopathology/family-lumping-all-relationship-types-together/ friends-saying-’just-get-over-it’/ and counseling-programs-telling-she’s-just-codependent. Too many women have stopped seeking help because they are tired of too many people ‘not getting it.’ Psychology has to allow itself to grow beyond a one-size-fits-all approach when dealing with women emerging from pathological love relationships because all relationships are not created equal especially when one of them is pathological. Not understanding the effects of pathology on relationships, self concept, and recovery deters a woman’s ability to heal. Understanding the DIFFERENCES in these types of relationships is critical.

The Institute developed programs and materials exactly for this reason. We developed our telephone counseling program for women in immediate need of validation of their experiences, our retreat programs specifically geared to ‘Healing the Aftermath of the Pathological Love Relationship,’ our Therapist Affiliate Program training which provides other therapists nationwide the clinical training to help women heal from these types of relationships, our inpatient treatment center for those needing crisis help, and our 40+ products all developed to teach pathology to others.

Why? Why all the effort in treatment related issues? Because the absence of trained counselors is screamingly evident. Our mailing list writes us week after week asking “Can you recommend someone in Florida, Michigan, the United Kingdom, Canada, California, Oregon…? Why don’t other counselors understand this? Why can’t anyone explain to me what is going on! If one more counselor or family member suggests I am codependent or a relationship addict, I’m going to scream! Why is this so hard to understand?”

Much like the beginning phases of the addiction field, the pathological love relationship field is feeling the same ‘misunderstanding phase’ that other theories of counseling have gone through. When the field is new or the knowledge is groundbreaking, there is an overt lack of trained responders. Unfortunately, those that suffer the new phases are the victims/survivors that wish there were more trained service providers.

The Institute operates as a public psychopathy education project which means we try to train anyone and everyone in the issues of pathology–that includes the women in the relationships AND those who are likely to be emotional supports to women recovering from these relationships. Please bear with an entirely new emerging field of psychology that is trying to race to catch up to the knowledge of what is needed for this population of people. After all, until us no one had even bothered to STUDY the female partners of psychopaths and partners of other pathological types. No one created research projects to study the personality traits, histories and chronic vulnerabilities of women who have been in these relationships. So to that degree, we are virginal in our exploration of these issues.

As an Institute, we try to be immediately responsive to needs. In the last year we have exploded in growth in our outreach–our weekly newsletter continues to reach more and more people, our blogs we write for other websites such as Psychology Today and Times Up! helps us to reach an even larger audience with the educational value of our expertise, our list of books, CDs and DVDs that are in every country of the world, our expanded retreat format, private 1:1′s with Sandra, our telephone assessments and counseling which doubled in size this year, our weekly teleconferencing support groups, and our Therapist Training Program–all are born out of our desire to reach YOU! As needs are repeatedly identified by our mailing list, we try to quickly ascertain how to develop a program to meet the need. That’s because we recognize that the services available out there are slim. We provide what we can, knowing that we are a drop in the bucket to the need that exists. So unless we duplicate ourselves through products and services many women will go untreated.

I know for many women who are struggling to recover from the diabolical aftermath of a pathological relationship that it seems that too few services exist. Please remain hopeful that not only this Institute but other therapists and agencies hear your cry and are reaching out for training so they can help you. We too are always looking at how we can expand our scope and reach. If you have ideas about how we can help you further, please give us your thoughts.

In the meantime, if our brand new treatment program can be of help please use it.

Or if you are a therapist, please come to our trainings. If you are a survivor, we’d love for you to bring healing to you through our phone counseling, support groups or retreats.

The fact is, the more we learn the more we can teach but we can only do so much.

One agency like ours can’t heal the world. But we can teach what we know and heal those who come for it which is why we are always encouraging therapists to get trained. (Jan 29-31 in Clearwater, FL, Feb 5-7 in Jacksonville, FL!) Don’t lose heart that there are few services that understand your unique situation with a pathological. But remain hopeful that in a new field of psychology, we’re growing as fast as we can!

Watch with us vigilantly as we see a new field of psychology emerging! Please let 2010 be the year of healing for you. We’ve worked hard so that you have many of our resources that can help you move forward. Much healing to you in 2010!